• 15 Jul 2009 at 12:51 PM

Performance Stats: The Greenlight Unit

By Bess Levin

Picture 1722.pngFor those of you who are too busy to read Greenlight Capital’s second quarter letter, here are the Cliffs Notes. Basically what’s been a’ poppin’ at the fund for the last few months can be summed up thusly: they’ve been fucking their wives.

“Despite plummeting global industrial production, the Greenlight baby making machine is working overtime and we expect at least a couple more Greenlight babies before year-end.”

Earlier: Greenlight Capital Second Quarter Letter
Previous coverage of the Greenlight Package.

Comments (33)

  1. 1
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 12:55 PM

    Einhorn, you dog!

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 12:56 PM

    How come I never hear about my PM’s baby making machines?
    -confused SAC investor

  3. 3
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 12:57 PM

    @3 because they’ve all got V’s? tell you what, next quarter I’ll write about our menstrual cycles.
    -Stevie

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 12:59 PM

    break me off a piecea that!
    -CG

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 12:59 PM

    @3 sick but true

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    Only one word can describe all of this, KERFUFFLE!

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:01 PM

    Sure, just treat my like an object. Like a piece of meat, here to do your bidding.
    -The Greenlight Baby Making Machine

  8. 8
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:02 PM

    FYI, ladies of SAC, the Greenlight Baby Making Machine is up and running as we speak. Take a number.
    -TGBMM

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:02 PM

    I work at the worst fucking hell whole you can imagine. it’s not UBS or jeffries, fyi. But i sit here and my blood pressure skyrockets every day because these people are the worst f’n aholes i’ve ever dealt with.

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:03 PM

    @9 nobody cares. we’re talking about greenlight’s d-unit here.

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:03 PM

    Is that a photo of the specimen? it’s breathtaking.

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:05 PM

    5:15′s letterhead will be watermarked with an Acela piercing a tunnel aperture.

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:08 PM

    Einhorn, you old sailor, you!

  14. 14
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:09 PM

    In an unedited version of the letter, Einhorn continued:
    “I had a dream about this moment… When I was making love… to my wife Sheryl. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said “No, Gabriel! Leave!” And I said “No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch.” Let him watch what is being consecrated here.”

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:10 PM

    @14 nice work

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:12 PM

    No fair. All we ever get to hear about is how the SAC tampon factory is working overtime, what with everyone’s cycles being synced.
    -SAC investor

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:13 PM

    @16 holy shit. gross, but damn good.

  18. 18
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:15 PM

    I’m offended by this post.
    -impotent i-banker

  19. 19
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:25 PM

    Anyone have numbers for 1st year 15 year old MS BSD media group interns?

  20. 20
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:28 PM

    My toes curled as i read that letter. spectacular.
    i think someone should be kind to @9

  21. 21
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:30 PM

    I’m so einhorny right now.
    -erin callan

  22. 22
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:32 PM

    AT 9- We care because, why?

  23. 23
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:34 PM

    The Greelight Unit is looking pretty tiny in that pic.

  24. 24
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:35 PM

    @ 14- Thanks for sharing.

  25. 25
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:35 PM

    @24 It’s the motion in the ocean, bitch!
    -The Greenlight Baby Making Machine

  26. 26
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:36 PM

    @25 you love it.
    -14/Dave

  27. 27
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:45 PM

    @9 learn to spell, it will help you find another job

  28. 28
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:46 PM

    Finkle is einhorn, einhorn is finkle!

  29. 29
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:47 PM

    @9 at least you have a job

  30. 30
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:53 PM

    @9 i’m taking next week off, do you want to sub in my place with the possibility of a long-term gig?
    -the greenlight baby making machine

  31. 31
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 1:58 PM

    @ 31 I am there.
    - b. Obama

  32. 32
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 2:00 PM

    @25 – You nailed it, kid. NAILED IT!

  33. 33
    Posted by guest | July 15, 2009 at 5:44 PM

    @9 You can tell a lot about a commenter by his grasp of homophones.

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