Performance Stats: The Greenlight Unit

Picture 1722.pngFor those of you who are too busy to read Greenlight Capital’s second quarter letter, here are the Cliffs Notes. Basically what’s been a’ poppin’ at the fund for the last few months can be summed up thusly: they’ve been fucking their wives.

“Despite plummeting global industrial production, the Greenlight baby making machine is working overtime and we expect at least a couple more Greenlight babies before year-end.”

Earlier: Greenlight Capital Second Quarter Letter
Previous coverage of the Greenlight Package.

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104 Responses to “Performance Stats: The Greenlight Unit”

  1. guest says:

    Einhorn, you dog!

  2. guest says:

    How come I never hear about my PM’s baby making machines?
    -confused SAC investor

  3. guest says:

    @3 because they’ve all got V’s? tell you what, next quarter I’ll write about our menstrual cycles.

  4. guest says:

    break me off a piecea that!

  5. guest says:

    @3 sick but true

  6. guest says:

    Only one word can describe all of this, KERFUFFLE!

  7. guest says:

    Sure, just treat my like an object. Like a piece of meat, here to do your bidding.
    -The Greenlight Baby Making Machine

  8. guest says:

    FYI, ladies of SAC, the Greenlight Baby Making Machine is up and running as we speak. Take a number.

  9. guest says:

    I work at the worst fucking hell whole you can imagine. it’s not UBS or jeffries, fyi. But i sit here and my blood pressure skyrockets every day because these people are the worst f’n aholes i’ve ever dealt with.

  10. guest says:

    @9 nobody cares. we’re talking about greenlight’s d-unit here.

  11. guest says:

    Is that a photo of the specimen? it’s breathtaking.

  12. guest says:

    5:15’s letterhead will be watermarked with an Acela piercing a tunnel aperture.

  13. guest says:

    Einhorn, you old sailor, you!

  14. guest says:

    In an unedited version of the letter, Einhorn continued:
    “I had a dream about this moment… When I was making love… to my wife Sheryl. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said “No, Gabriel! Leave!” And I said “No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch.” Let him watch what is being consecrated here.”

  15. guest says:

    @14 nice work

  16. guest says:

    No fair. All we ever get to hear about is how the SAC tampon factory is working overtime, what with everyone’s cycles being synced.
    -SAC investor

  17. guest says:

    @16 holy shit. gross, but damn good.

  18. guest says:

    I’m offended by this post.
    -impotent i-banker

  19. guest says:

    Anyone have numbers for 1st year 15 year old MS BSD media group interns?

  20. guest says:

    My toes curled as i read that letter. spectacular.
    i think someone should be kind to @9

  21. guest says:

    I’m so einhorny right now.
    -erin callan

  22. guest says:

    AT 9- We care because, why?

  23. guest says:

    The Greelight Unit is looking pretty tiny in that pic.

  24. guest says:

    @ 14- Thanks for sharing.

  25. guest says:

    @24 It’s the motion in the ocean, bitch!
    -The Greenlight Baby Making Machine

  26. guest says:

    @25 you love it.

  27. guest says:

    @9 learn to spell, it will help you find another job

  28. guest says:

    Finkle is einhorn, einhorn is finkle!

  29. guest says:

    @9 at least you have a job

  30. guest says:

    @9 i’m taking next week off, do you want to sub in my place with the possibility of a long-term gig?
    -the greenlight baby making machine

  31. guest says:

    @ 31 I am there.
    – b. Obama

  32. guest says:

    @25 – You nailed it, kid. NAILED IT!

  33. guest says:

    @9 You can tell a lot about a commenter by his grasp of homophones.

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