Things have been going pretty, pretty, pretty well for JPMorgan lately. Unlike the so-called devil worshipers at 85 Broad, the bank was allowed to enjoy the success of the second quarter. Its pin-up CEO he has to beat off the press, the people, and the president with a stick. And security has finally successfully gotten Jimmy Cayne to stop loitering in the alley behind 383 Madison Avenue where he was accosting SeamlessWeb delivery guys during munchie runs. Things couldn't float on effortlessly forever, though, and last week, the Dimonettes' good luck streak hit a bit of a snag. And by snag, I mean flesh-eating beasts.
The House of Dimon has been hit with a bedbug infestation on the 8th floor. A sales person had the problem at home and a week later the critters were spotted on the trading desk. Now JPM is bringing a specialist into the building and employees' homes.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:32AM
gross
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:33AM
Another good reason to get rid of the legacy BS employees.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:33AM
this sort of thing happens all the time at Citi. it's not big deal.
-vp
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:34AM
@3 seriously
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:35AM
it was me!!!
-jc
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:37AM
that's fucking disgusting
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:38AM
Because I see the possibility of at least 10 jokes resulting from this thread, and the ease by which they could be written, I am only going to offer the punchline to one here:
"What took me so long? Well I woke up in a natural gas trader's mustache on a G-8 going to Calgary......."
~Shecky Buffett
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:43AM
obviously legacy bear guys
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:43AM
@8 blow me.
-ace
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:44AM
I blame Bob Pisani.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:48AM
I think Gary Busey said it best when he stated, "Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling." (Tip of the hat to QuoteLucy...)
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:49AM
First crabs from Melissa Francis, now this!?!
JD
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:49AM
@11 so you're saying bed bugs are a green initiative?
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:49AM
@12 you're good.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:50AM
@13 what did the buse say about drinking your own piss?
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:56AM
To: Floor 8 employees
Re: Frontline treatment update
All personnel who picked up their Frontline packet from the 2nd floor nurses office are advised to check the contents. It has come to our attention that some received Frontline for Cats and not the prescribed Frontline for Dogs. Please check your packets.
--HR
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:58AM
@16 nice
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 10:59AM
Scratching your skin off is the new killin' it !
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:02AM
Like legacy Bear employees and bad assets, it is nearly impossible to get rid of bedbugs without major problems, outside assistance, and toxic chemicals.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:02AM
bedbugs - the only way to get jpm traders out of their moms basement before noon
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:03AM
I'll tell it, Shecky:
Two bed bugs were living behind a JPM trader's 6 panel flat screen station. First bedbug says, "Hey..You hear their going to spray us here at work and at the trader's home?? Second bedbug says, "WE better get out of here."
First bedbug says, "I'm jumping in a trash can tonight and let the office cleaners get me out of here." Second bedbug looks around and sees a great looking female auditor at a workstation nearby. Second bedbug says, "I'm going to jump on her foot and crawl up here leg and "walk" out of here this evening. I'll meet you at th Shake Shack in 2 weeks..."
Two weeks go by and the 2nd bedbug doesn't show. First bedbug waits another 3 weeks and finally decides his friend the 2nd bedbug "didn't make it..."
Then, the 2nd bedbug comes crawling up to the Shake Shack exhausted. After greetings exchanged, the 2nd bed bug tells his story: "Well, I jumped on her leg and crawled up to the panty line and got snuggled in. She went home, showered and damn near drowned me. Then she powdered herself and nearly choked me out. Then she put on some tight jeans and nearly crushed me! I suppose she went out partying because I could hear a driving beat and music and then someone spilled a drink in her lap and I got drunk and passed out."
First bedbug asked, "So why'd it take you 5 weeks to get here?"
2nd bedbug said, "What took me so long? Well I woke up in a natural gas trader's mustache on a G-8 going to Calgary......."
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:10AM
I'm not so sure about this. Has anyone confirmed? Bedbugs like beds where there's lots of exposed sedentary flesh to nibble, not trading desks, where people are moving and clothed.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:14AM
We thought "bedbugs" were listening devices planted to use in "honeytrap" situations for the benefit of state security.
~Friend of a friend with a Slavic accent
Posted by Becky Boot Fan , Jul 27, 2009 11:15AM
@15, probably something along the lines of "...it's not necessary but I do it anyhow because it's sterile and I like the taste."
Posted by merkin capital partners , Jul 27, 2009 11:17AM
I got bed bugs when I stayed at the El Greco in AC. It was no big deal.
CG
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:18AM
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She gave birth in the "spring".
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:19AM
Well at least it's not another outbreak of anal warts.
JD
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:20AM
2 years ago Morgan Stanley was over run with asslobsters, so this situation is pretty tame.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:23AM
@21....FTW!!!!
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:24AM
@22: bedbugs like anyplace - clothes, etc. - where they can be near human flesh. If you travel and someplace in your hotel room had bedbugs, those bugs are in your suitcase and coming home.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:27AM
@21 I laughed.
Serious question: Are you at work? You sure have lots of free time. Just sayin'
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:31AM
Dammit, you drunken boone-swilling soon-to-be homeless buffoon! When I said we should bug that pretty boy, this was not what I meant. This is the kinda amateur-hour crap that winds up with us begging Timmy for our bonuses.
And I don't appreciate that you picked blood-sucking critters, either. I don't find that very funny.
-Vikula
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:33AM
@31.....yes Iam and yes I do. That is because I delegate many tasks to you. Why are you fucking around on this site??? Shouldn't you be getting those reports ready for me to review? Let's talk about this after 4:00pm OK? See you then.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:43AM
@32 are you an idiot? we're talking about jpm, not bac. why are you addressing ken lewis?
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 11:48AM
Maybe @21 is a Lehman quant?
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 12:07PM
@21 --- Fantastic.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 12:44PM
What is @31's point?
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 12:47PM
@34 - retard...
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 1:33PM
You can bet Lloyd is back of this.
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 1:40PM
@39 you mean "behind this"?
Posted by Rahodeb , Jul 27, 2009 2:16PM
@34 - you see, Vikram is addressing Ken in reference to their secret plan to "bug" J.P.Morgan (note the periods after the J and the P: they updated the logo months ago, try to catch up assholes). There are several humorous parts to the joke. First, Vikram addresses Ken as a Boone's-swilling, soon-to-be-homeless buffoon. Second, Ken has apparently "bugged" J.P.Morgan (seriously – it changed months ago) with actual insects, not listening devices. Lastly, Vikram (a.k.a. Vikula) takes offense to the use of blood-sucking animals in Ken's drunken shenanigans. For further explanation, please visit your nearest archived Dealbreak containing the terms "Vikula", "Boone's Farm" and/or "Boy Toy" (I should point out that a Google image search of these words might be NSFW, but you don't sound even remotely employable, so that shouldn't be too much of a concern).
Posted by guest , Jul 27, 2009 2:58PM
@41...excellent dissection of the joke.
~The Joke Briefer
Posted by guest , Jul 30, 2009 9:14AM
help me howard