Some of you will actually be getting bonuses this year, and in a few cases, huge ass bonuses. Since it’s never too early to start researching which trinkets you might blow the money on, we’re thinking we ought to discuss a possible contender: the home (and stuff) of a busted Mexican drug lord. If convicted, the pad belonging to Zhenli Ye Go is going to get auctioned off and wouldn’t it be fantabulous if one of you made it your/our own? I know what you’re probably thinking right about now– Bess, you dumb b, the manses in movies like Scarface aren’t actually like that. They’re not real. They’re played up for the big screen. They’re exaggerations, right? WRONG. “You realize that the mansions in movies like ‘Scarface’ aren’t exaggerations,” says Omar Yaffar, a 36-year-old manager at a branch of the Mexican Finance Ministry known as the Asset Administration and Disposal Service. “The real thing can be more amazing.” Think “Hansel and Gretel meets Pablo Escobar,” which for the coke blowing candy lovers in the audience (you know who you are, don’t deny it) should be argument enough to fork it over for this thing. For the others, who need a little more convincing, this is what you could be coming home to:
* a labyrinth of garden trails among man-made ponds fed by waterfalls
* a cave-like underground hot-tub complex about the size of a backyard swimming pool, featuring faux stalactites and a fireplace
* a glass skylight that allows bathers to gaze up at lions or a pair of albino tigers that dwell in a cage on the roof (the animals have since been donated to a zoo but you could get them back, easy, or bring in your own)
* Versace dinnerware to go with Baccarat wine glasses and Lalique Champagne flutes
Other items that will be up for grabs at the same auction, and which I really think you’ll need to feel comfortable in your new home:
* A Rolex watch and band custom-jeweled to resemble leopard’s skin
* De La Cour watches featuring skull or marijuana-leaf motifs
* a pair of gold pistol grips with raised eagle busts adorned with diamonds and emeralds
* those coke-smuggling sharks
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A room full of Yo Yo’s!!!!!!
A room full of laser encrusted coked up Mexican cocaine sharks!!!!! ahahahahhaha.
Can’t afford the house but I must have that watch.
-jimmy c
jc@3 fag
Hopefully the comments on this post will be several levels above the drivel and uncouth utterances so prevalent today. Class it up, please.
dibs on the killer fish.
-SC
@5 die
@5 FUCK OFF. and dibs on the sharks.
Dibs on the coke in the sharks. You can have the fish.
Is that Putin’s Christmas list?
@5 – I am going to shit in your mouth and make you read every post written by Greg.
The Zenforcer
“the coke blowing candy lovers in the audience”
hell yes!
-steve in stamford
no, really, I’ll suck dick for that watch. (it’s not gay if it’s for money or goods, right?)
-j cayne
I will be purchasing my second Porsche.
New Canaan killing it.
Berkowitz, is that you? get back to work, Stevie wants a new pony.
-SAC
Why are there mint leaves on that watch?
@14
Probably a Boxster.
@5: you asked your mother to write that sentence, didn’t you?
You know there is all of this judgment around drug dealers these days. Did this guy defraud investors to the tune of $60 XXL Bernie style? No, he met the needs of thousands of Americans and made a lot of people very happy, enhanced a lot of sex lives. And what? They arrest him.
And he put his ass out there every single day so if he wants to spend his money on some beautiful and original art – he is entitled to do so.
that was a real, legitimate offer, btw, of fellatio for that watch. to reiterate, i’m not gay. i just so desperately want to wrap that cannabis-encrusted timepiece around my wrist THAT BAD!
-jc/13
14- how are you going to fit all the sister wives in there? Is it a cayenne?
Cayman, actually.
@19… that’s the kind of liberal thinking that is ruining this country.
I’ll take a couple of teenage cokewhores, thanks…!
…and then I got my wish…b/c I’m a muthafuckin gay fish…
Jimmy Canye West
Does that mansion have a Cristal powered bidet for my Egyptian cat to use?
Say chello to my leetle friend.
http://xrl.us/TonyMontana
@26 I don’t think so. My Cocaine shark took a large bite out of your cat.
@23 = closeted, repressing mormon banker?
@14 – you may want to look into a zip card. I know people who have seen the numbers.
“…..this place is something you’re going to want to strongly considered making your own.”
Grammar Bess.
“Grammar Bess.”
douchebag 31
I will blow my bonus on paying for a night of unbridled passion with J. Cayne and Barney Fwank taking turns blowing me on the roof of 85 Broad.
Lloyd Faygish
There’s way to many fagelas on this site.
I’m going to buy Ruth Madoff a nice seafood dinner and then never call her again.
34 = jimmy cayne
I will do what I do every year with my bonus;
8 ball of the yamyam
3 shots of Louis XIII
Punch as many hipsters in the face as I can find in a 5 hour period.
You suck Greg – just getting ready for his next post
This will sound extravagent and over-the-top, but…
Maximizing 401(k) and IRA contributions, setting aside money to help parents purchase a condominium for retirement.
@38 — now that was funny
I agree with @ 5. The comments here are so immature it utterly disgusts me. Who are you people? I hope beyond hopes you are not my colleagues ever.
@39 = BALLER
@41 we’re your boss. now get back to work.
@41 you agree with five because you ARE five. you’re also the same person who noted on a recent opening bell that you were “done with this site” on account of disgust at the immaturity of your fellow commenters. is this some sort of performance art?
BOOM! goes the egg all over @41′s face.
You’re Fucking Out!
Busted. More busted than CG’s last hookup in the Equinox steam room.
-41
25 has got to be in the running for post of the month
41,
Feel free to buy yourself a cake fart, on the house buddy.
“your/our own”
bess, you think we’re ready to take that step in the relationship?
Wait ’til they get a load of me.
The real debate today is not on Dealbreaker. It’s on the NY Time article on Pot legalization which has attracted over 350 comments in a few hours. Many strongly in favor… Bess where are you when we need you.
BTW, I have an informed source who tells me that the reason we’ve never seen a photo of Bess is that she is actually a 57 year old, 5’7″, 284 pound male, ex-con managing DB from a HalfWay house in rural Alaska. A distant cousin of Sarah P.
“It’s on the NY Time article on Pot legalization which has attracted over 350 comments in a few hours”
51 = nyt employee trying to drive traffic in an attempt to stave off the paper’s inevitable bankruptcy.
also, speak for yourself. some of us have actually seen a picture of and, gasp, met bess.
@51 why do all the bess obsessed trolls sound mentally ill?
wow, 51, an article on a highly polarizing topic attracted a lot of comments? holy shit, the internet is a crazy place!
Dear BL,
Apology in advance for the poor attempt at satire. Am certain that you’re not 284 or a resident of Alaska. Just find it slightly amusing that your stealthy profile makes J.D. Salinger look like Donald Trump in comparison.
For the record, am not obsessed, just guilty of a poor judgment in seeking to poke fun at you.
@51
@25…and then I got my wish…b/c I’m a muthafuckin gay fish…
Jimmy Canye West
________________
Agreed @47 -FTW
@55 “Just find it slightly amusing that your stealthy profile makes J.D. Salinger look like Donald Trump in comparison. ”
what the hell does that mean?
17 win
Where to spend this years bonus? Buy Walmart Stock or buy something at Walmart!!!