As you’re aware, Sony executives canceled Michael Lewis’s baseball flick last month, and now the script is getting a re-write by Aaron Sorkin.* It still remains to be seen if this thing’s gonna get done, though, which is why we’re stepping up to the plate and getting down on our knees to practically beg some hedge fund or otherwise deeply pocketed chump to get behind the film. Why? Because it features a cameo by a certain down on his luck friend of Dealbreaker, who could really use the pick me up (and practice in front of the camera, in preparation for the low budget porn he’s probably going to have to start taking part in to make ends meet).
Excerpts From The Scrapped Moneyball Script [Deadspin]
*A preemptive ‘fuck you’ to Sorkin if you even entertain the idea of cutting LD’s scene.
Bess, this presumes that Dykstra can read, and will be able to memorize his lines.
“I don’t read nothing.” Ain’t that the truth.
-LD
“This is where the big man sits”
-Lenny
LD is either
A) bipolar
B) a meth head
C) ‘roided out
D) snakebit
E) all of the above
I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, they’re nothing compared to these fags you got here in San Francisco.
-Lenny
Also, he needs to work on his acting chops before appearing on the next season as my retarded mentor.
–kenny powers
LENNY:
I don’t know how they fill that stuff out….
JEFF:
Huh? What??? Catbox. Foam Finger.
LENNY:
What?
CRAMER:
Oh, Jesus.
LENNY:
What the fuck are you guys talking about?!
JEFF:
Nod if you understand. Tweak car Shamwow HUH?????
CRAMER:
Buybuybuybuybuybuybuybuy!!!!!!
LENNY:
Did you know that long ago there was a baseball player who had the same name as a candy bar today?
Bean: Who do you read?
LD: I like Mike Lupica.
B: Mike Lupica?
LD: He’s a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful…
B: No, no, no. I mean authors.
LD: Lot of good ones. I don’t even want to mention anyone because I’m afraid I’m going to leave somebody out.
B: Name a couple.
LD: Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.
B: Art Vandelay?
LD: He’s an obscure writer. Beatnik, from the Village.
B: What has he written?
LD: Venetian Blinds.
Does he have a no nudity clause?
anyone here want their cock sucked for 1 dollar? one dolla one dolla one dolla, I suck yo cock.
–lenny dykstra
To me this is the biggest indication that Cramer has to be put on a deserted island. How do you sit across from LD and think that this guy has clue one?? Bernie Goldberg lit his as* up on real sports.
CNBC as a whole needs to go away, its an abomination.
@11 not just one clue, but many. In fact I believe the sagely advice I conveyed was that Lenny Dykstra is one of the greats in this business.
-JC
“Billy watches Dykstra sip from his beer bottle as he watches MTV, not a care in the world.”
those were the days.
Dykstra: I mean read. It’ll ruin your eyes. I don’t read nothing.
Cramer watches Dykstra snort a line as he watches porn, not a care in the world.
Cramer: You keep a book on stocks?
Dykstra: you fuckin’ kidding me?
Cramer: Charts, technical analysis?
Dykstra: You high? No I don’t smart ass.
Cramer: Well how do you know what to buy for your clients?
Dykstra: I tell ‘em to watch your crappy show. Jimmy you must have me confused with someone who gives a shit.
Cramer: You really have no idea?
Dykstra: I don’t even know what day it is Jim. Hey man you got any weed?
@11 you took my words out of context. on a 1,000 year context, LD WILL prove to be one of the greats in this business.
@14 [Cramer then goes on HBO to pronounce Dykstra one of the greatest investor of all time]
Dykstra: I don’t even know what year it is most of the time.
Dykstra: I don’t even know what city I’m in most of the time.
Dykstra: I don’t even know where my cock is most of the time.
Lenny Dykstra: Ya’ll get that tanning bed i sent ya’ll last year?
Angelo Mozilo: Yeah, you mean the one you sent three years ago?
Lenny Dykstra: Wow. Three years… hmm. Well, it IS a tanning bed.
@14, that was hysterical, you are the winner. First prize is a year subscription to LD’s newsletter
Dykstra: [on phone with prostitute] Alright, so let me get this straight. So I gotta pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a fuckin’ hotel room too? Well that seems like I’m spending too much money for nothin’ I got a house. You can just get your ass over and we could just do the blow job here. And can I wear the ‘SCREAM’ mask? The mask from ‘SCREAM’ while I do you from behind.
[prostitute hangs up]
Dykstra: Hello? Hey?
Dykstra to Tits Cabrera: Honey, I love you. I think you’re a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead
14 ftw by a landslide
I don’t care about the movie, I just want to meet Brad Pitt.
-LD
LD: A-Rod, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
A-Rod: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!
LD: I’ll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let’s do this.
@26 sick but true
Cramer just now to Mel Francis: “We will do anything for fees.”
ANYTHING?
Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.
– Dykes
LD is nothing but a Mexican Coke shark in sheeple’s clothing.
I’ll put up the money, but only if LD takes me as his date to the premier. Otherwise no deal.
-stevie
“Getting down on [y]our knees.” A good start, but I’m afraid it’s going to take more to get this film made.
Calls himself a player? Couldn’t spell “shit” if you spotted him the “t”. As if, mofo.
~Kenny Powers
Anyone have the full script? The link on the link was taken down.
I think Lenny’s troubles can be outlined very succinctly in this piece. Even provides a soundtrack. Good day to you.
http://deadspin.com/5312028/lenny-dykstra-gets-played-off
No love for Sorkin, huh…
How ’bout we get David Mamet to write it instead?