• 31 Jul 2009 at 4:55 PM

Write-Offs: 07.31.09

By

$$$ U.S. House Passes Bill Allowing Ban on Incentive Pay [Bloomberg]
$$$ Andres Piedrahita denies responsibility in Madoff fraud [CR via clusterstock]
$$$ Hiring: Goldman Sachs, Fifth Third, Wells Fargo [The Deal]
$$$ Job of the Week: UBS Needs an associate director of investment banking. You. [DB Career Center]
$$$ We have not heard a single update about this morning’s bull rider. Bull rider, if you’re reading this, get in touch.
$$$ Programming note: I’ll be on vacation next week through the 12th. Equity Private will be subbing, and of course Greg will be here with the topless photos.

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    Comments (90)

    Older Comments
    1. 1
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:01 PM

      Wow – EP and Grichaels all next week? Sounds like it’s going to be a fantastic week! (for comments of course)
      -2StopShop

    2. 2
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:01 PM

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
      Greg + EP = Disaster.
      Watch them pageviews/comments drop.

    3. 3
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:02 PM

      EP in the HIZZOUS!

    4. 4
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:10 PM

      Good week to have my knee scoped. The percocets will help.

    5. 5
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:10 PM

      bon voyagee, B. Lovin! send postcards!

    6. 6
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:11 PM

      I heart EP. Sure she is Asian ?

    7. 7
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:14 PM

      6,
      I think she’s German.

    8. 8
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:21 PM

      Well, I guess next week is as good a time as any to start shooting smack.

    9. 9
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:21 PM

      @7 : And why do you think that ?

    10. 10
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:23 PM

      Well, I guess next week is as good a time as any to start shooting smack.

    11. 11
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:24 PM

      8 & 10 looks like you started already

    12. 12
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:28 PM

      Damn, if I wanted to read EP and her new fans I would just go to Zero Hedge. Judging by the comments over there on Dodd’s diagnosis, that place is where the cesspool of commenters moved to.
      But the combo with Greg really spells disaster.
      Bess have a good vacation, and I’m happy to hear you are going to be sending Greg your topless pics while on vacation. That’s the only way to prevent this disaster.

    13. 13
      Posted by MarshallStack | July 31, 2009 at 5:38 PM

      Good week to go visit the folks at the beach then.

    14. 14
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:44 PM

      Enjoy your vacation Bess, but for the love of God, where is William Richards????
      Next week is going to be awful and I like Greg’s posts.
      What a depressing end to an epic day, I feel like Chris “C-Money” Theoharis must be feeling right about now.

    15. 15
      Posted by ep | July 31, 2009 at 5:47 PM

      *sinister laugh*

    16. 16
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 5:49 PM

      I want topless pics of Greg’s mom!
      Greg

    17. 17
      Posted by Novice | July 31, 2009 at 5:58 PM

      Oh Christ she’s already here.

    18. 18
      Posted by NegativeConvexity | July 31, 2009 at 6:00 PM

      Dr. Egon Spengler: There’s something very important I forgot to tell you.
      Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
      Dr. Egon Spengler: Don’t cross the Greg Michaels and Equity Private posts.
      Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
      Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
      Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, “bad”?
      Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

    19. 19
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 6:06 PM

      @15 Step it up. You are the witty one now.
      /sigh

    20. 20
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 6:10 PM

      And receipt guy, please don’t abandon us in this time of need.
      -19

    21. 21
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 6:11 PM

      I heart EP. Even if she is German.

    22. 22
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 6:19 PM

      @21
      She’s German alright.
      I found her pic:
      http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2006/05/23/haraldschmidt256ready.jpg

    23. 23
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 6:52 PM

      Bess have a great vacation. We’ll miss you. Hopefully EP doesnt eat us all for lunch.

    24. 24
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 7:12 PM

      EP is from Nova Scotia.
      Check the Wiki!

    25. 25
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 9:27 PM

      Dearest Greg:
      Greetings from Martinique!
      I have to apologize. Normally I would have left the traditional “letter to a successor” in the desk drawer over at the office, but:
      - I’m only on vacation.
      - My departure was so horribly rushed. (Charter service is not what it used to be though a lack of famous-name bankers seems to have freed up some jet time).
      I hope you will forgive this less romantic but more utilitarian attempt to give you some (fake) pearls of wisdom. Even fake pearls have their uses.
      A few words about the vile and caustic Shark-with-dorsally-mounted-neodymium glass-laser infested cesspool that is the Dealbreaker comment section:
      - As with any cesspool, make sure you’ve had your shots before wading in. Small cuts quickly grow infected and, left untreated, may consume a limb. You may consider a proactive series of antibiotics. Sure, this will likely create a few strains of drug-resistant commenters, but no more so than the years of cocaine immunity-building therapy many have already undertaken of their own accord.
      - Feeding frenzies are common where large collections of mindless predators roam. Be very careful once there is blood in the water. Things can get out of hand quickly. This is rarely the time to pour a platelet-filled bucket of fish heads into the pool.
      - While the mindless predators are common, and hazardous in great numbers, the more intelligent hunters, while fewer in number, are far more dangerous. One 15 stanza bite from these can leave you literarily crippled for a week.
      - Dominance is key, but must be used mercilessly with the full force of your effort and sparingly. If you chose to try and assert it, your attack must be swift, utterly crippling, leave little chance for riposte and expertly mounted. A poor attempt at dominance assertion can be fatal and once you lose the respect of the commenters, all is lost. There is nothing more dangerous than an ego-wounded commenter.
      - Alliances can help. Occasionally praising a noted commenter can create a much needed ally. Alternatively, adopting for praise a particularly meddlesome predator can fatally diminish that commenter in the eyes of his/her peers. That commenter may find him/herself set upon by peers. This works wonders when blood is already in the water. Consider the careful study of Aikido.
      - Nipping is a weak attempt to test resolve. With some exceptions, commenters are an insecure bunch and need to strive for seniority even in their own subgroup and sub-clique pecking orders. This results in instant and merciless attacks on small errors in grammar or punctuation, or 70 comment debates on word selection. The great untapped secret of the Dealbreaker comment cesspool is that it is the world’s most effective market-driven, distributed, free copy editing service. You can foster this dynamic by gently thanking the first couple of nitpickers with a “Wow, my fault. Thanks for the catch!” Of course, this effect is also totally dependent on the commenters not realizing they are being used in this way.
      - Remember that like Sharks with swimming, commenters must comment constantly, or die. Accordingly, take much of their behavior with a grain (imperial asston) of salt. If they comment that much they probably aren’t employed. (There is also the horrible possibility that they are employed to comment- but we will speak of this abomination no more).
      - Posts about commenters draw the most comments. This is narcissus personified. Know, but do not abuse this fact.
      - If all else fails, you have their IP addresses.
      Some comments on composition:
      If ever you get down on yourself try this experiment: Head over to Borders and pick up the latest Harlequin romance title you can find. Pick the one with the cheesiest, most Fabio-looking male model on the cover. Pick a chapter at random and skim for a cheese-platter paragraph that catches your eye. (I make no value judgments about what may or may not move you in this respect). Now replace “his” with “The Chinese Finance Minister’s” and “her” with “Timothy Geithner.” Replace “member” with “cash.” Post with a picture of Tim in front of a Congressional Committee. You will learn quickly that writing standards mean nothing in this business (English is my third or fourth language depending on how you count) and your post will be the most read and commented entry on Dealbreaker all week. Remember this lesson. I’ve tried similar experiments thrice, and was never discovered. (Just mentioning this will augment my read-post count now as a flurry of readers go back to try and discover these secret passages in my prior writings- learn from this too).
      You can never go wrong with a good contest. Bad contests are quickly forgotten.
      Sex sells- unless its sex with bankers or lawyers. (Exception: Heads of investment banks or law firms).
      Read the mood. Attack the unpopular subjects in the news. Praise the underdog heroes (then attack them later). Dealbreaker is about vicious gossip. Reporting on things that go well is bad copy- unless you are mocking it. Channel your inner tenth-grader in the social contest of life. Nasty. Vicious. Kill or be killed. Able to see weakness and attack it immediately. Write this way then moderate it slightly with some humor. Readers are at their core tenth-graders waiting to get out. Facilitate their escape.
      Never try to out-finance the readers. You will almost always lose unless you are in the top 0.01% in the sub-discipline your post deals with. (Hint: You aren’t, and even if you are you still lose because those who aren’t can’t tell the difference and there are 200 voices of idiocy to your one of clarity). Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
      Don’t write for good reviews. It might work for a while but you will quickly learn that the only popular whore on Dealbreaker is Ashley Alexandra Dupré. Try ignoring comments for a week. (You’ll only make it for a day, but it’s a good effort to undertake).
      Final word:
      Dealbreaker readers hate change. Period. Until you aren’t change anymore they will try to wear you down with unadulterated nonsense. The commenters are liars and would like to confuse us. But they will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological and powerful. Remember that. Do not listen.
      Wearing a crucifix probably won’t help. Carrying cash might.

    26. 26
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 9:32 PM

      Any article about the cash for clunkers program?
      http://cashforclunkerseligibility.blogspot.com/

    27. 27
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 9:35 PM

      @25 – Dude – WTF?

    28. 28
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 9:36 PM

      I love you EP and we *all* miss you lots. Welcome back to the cesspool, I’m sure the bites won’t fester.

    29. 29
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 10:11 PM

      Glondor, lord of snu snu, squisha squisha dink dink.
      cgimmesum

    30. 30
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 10:26 PM

      @25 Holy f*ck! How long did that opus take you?

    31. 31
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 10:38 PM

      Sob! Do you wanna see me crawl across the floor to you? Do you wanna see me beg you to take me back? I’ll gladly do it cuz …

    32. 32
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 10:45 PM

      The Opus belongs to EP. tWas the last thing she posted before disappearing off the face of the earth.

    33. 33
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 10:47 PM

      As long as we have the Joke Briefer everything will be fine.

    34. 34
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 11:10 PM

      25 was the horrifically lame comment EP left for Greg. Typical EP in that it was 8,000 words, none of them funny, though you know she found it hilarious.

    35. 35
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 11:14 PM

      Jonesin’ badder than PTJ for the Colonel.

    36. 36
      Posted by guest | July 31, 2009 at 11:20 PM

      I hope you are all proud of yourselves. Clearly, @29 just had a stroke. Thats just great.

    37. 37
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 2:04 AM

      Not gonna lie…very excited for next week. I’m beaching it, but will be patiently waiting for EP to drop the bombs on you bitches.
      -Not Bess

    38. 38
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 8:52 AM

      While Bess is gone I recommend threads with the following page view “builders”:
      1. Which B school is best of all?
      2. Is the CFA better than an MBA?
      3. Topless women of the best MBA school.
      4. CFA exam upskirt shots. (SAC candidates excluded.)
      5. Compare and contrast MCC with Liz Claman.
      6. Should Mark Haines demand a “peephole” clause in his CNBC contract?
      7. “Teflon” Sue Herrara.
      8. Cody Willard or Gaspo as an underwear model?
      9. What is in the CNBC snack machine?
      10. Use of the word “twat” in social commentary via Japanese haiku.

    39. 39
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 10:34 AM

      37,38 & that opus above(25?) YAWN.
      I kept waiting for the punchline…yawn.
      God, I hope this isn’t a preview of next week.

    40. 40
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 11:05 AM

      @25, Full of fail.
      Thanks for playing though.
      Great googly moogly.

    41. 41
      Posted by Anal_yst | August 1, 2009 at 11:20 AM

      I, for one, welcome our new (if not temporary) EP overlords!

    42. 42
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 11:35 AM

      @41,
      of course you do, ZeroHedge is your new home. You couldn’t get DB to pay you for your writing, such as it is. Nor could you get The Atlantic, or anyone else but ZeroHedge to do it.
      Really, I’ve often thought you shouldn’t crap on Greg when you have, given your sitution.

    43. 43
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 11:39 AM

      sitution=situation
      I may be a moron, but you may be one too.

    44. 44
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 1:18 PM

      What’s up with the markets today??? It’s like nothing is happening…..
      ~AIG Quant Research Department

    45. 45
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 2:18 PM

      @44 FT fucking W!!!

    46. 46
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 2:18 PM

      @44 FT fucking W!!!

    47. 47
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 2:18 PM

      @44 FT fucking W!!!

    48. 48
      Posted by guest | August 1, 2009 at 3:50 PM

      @42
      Do you think EP is paying Anal for writing at ZH? I find that hard to believe. It might be the other way around.

    49. 49
      Posted by guest | August 2, 2009 at 4:19 AM

      Some Anti-Bailout Motivation From Coach Bob Knight
      http://dailybail.com/home/anti-bailout-motivation-from-coach-bob-knight-im-tired-of-th.html
      78 seconds of pain for someone.

    50. 50
      Posted by Anal_yst | August 2, 2009 at 12:32 PM

      @42
      What the fuck are you talking about?
      You’re so completely uninformed I can’t even believe I’m dignifying your inane idiocy with a response.
      STFU unless you have a clue, which you very clearly don’t.

    51. 51
      Posted by Gordon Ghetto | August 2, 2009 at 6:56 PM

      On another note, this show looks hilarious, both intentionally and unintentionally. I expect maximum ridicule from DB readers.
      http://www.megan.vh1.com

    52. 52
      Posted by guest | August 2, 2009 at 8:38 PM

      @50
      Anal, if you are going to deny something, don’t make it a non-denial denial. May as well don’t comment at all, but now that’s too late.
      Anyway, it surprises many that hard-core pro-street guys like you, and one-two, and EP end up writing for that poser Tyler Durden at ZH with its faux populist reporting. You guys hate populists, we hate populists as the leftist wackos that they are, time to say you are sorry.
      (It’s possible that you all are doing this to try to stir up the masses so as to convert the GOP to the Ron Paul party, but good luck with that. It’s not going to happen.)

    53. 53
      Posted by guest | August 2, 2009 at 11:31 PM

      Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!

    54. 54
      Posted by Anal_yst | August 3, 2009 at 2:37 AM

      @52
      If I choose to write for a particular outlet it should not be construed as a tacit acknowledgement/implicit support of everything or anything that particular outlet supports. To think otherwise, as you seem to, is nothing short of ridiculous, especially considering what you seem to acknowledge as my (and others) rather opinionated/independent-ish track record, don’t you think?
      Glad you’re concerned though, not to worry, I’m not going soft.

    55. 55
      Posted by guest | August 3, 2009 at 6:42 AM

      @51 she’s hideous

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