Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:01PM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Greg + EP = Disaster.

Watch them pageviews/comments drop.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:02PM

EP in the HIZZOUS!

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:10PM

Good week to have my knee scoped. The percocets will help.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:10PM

bon voyagee, B. Lovin! send postcards!

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:11PM

I heart EP. Sure she is Asian ?

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:14PM

6,

I think she's German.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:21PM

Well, I guess next week is as good a time as any to start shooting smack.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:21PM

@7 : And why do you think that ?

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:23PM

Well, I guess next week is as good a time as any to start shooting smack.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:24PM

8 & 10 looks like you started already

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:28PM

Damn, if I wanted to read EP and her new fans I would just go to Zero Hedge. Judging by the comments over there on Dodd's diagnosis, that place is where the cesspool of commenters moved to.

But the combo with Greg really spells disaster.

Bess have a good vacation, and I'm happy to hear you are going to be sending Greg your topless pics while on vacation. That's the only way to prevent this disaster.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:44PM

Enjoy your vacation Bess, but for the love of God, where is William Richards????

Next week is going to be awful and I like Greg's posts.

What a depressing end to an epic day, I feel like Chris "C-Money" Theoharis must be feeling right about now.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 5:49PM

I want topless pics of Greg's mom!

Greg

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 6:06PM

@15 Step it up. You are the witty one now.

/sigh

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 6:10PM

And receipt guy, please don't abandon us in this time of need.

-19

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 6:11PM

I heart EP. Even if she is German.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 6:19PM

@21

She's German alright.

I found her pic:

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2006/05/23/haraldschmidt256ready.jpg

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 6:52PM

Bess have a great vacation. We'll miss you. Hopefully EP doesnt eat us all for lunch.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 7:12PM

EP is from Nova Scotia.

Check the Wiki!

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 9:27PM

Dearest Greg:

Greetings from Martinique!

I have to apologize. Normally I would have left the traditional "letter to a successor" in the desk drawer over at the office, but:

- I'm only on vacation.

- My departure was so horribly rushed. (Charter service is not what it used to be though a lack of famous-name bankers seems to have freed up some jet time).

I hope you will forgive this less romantic but more utilitarian attempt to give you some (fake) pearls of wisdom. Even fake pearls have their uses.

A few words about the vile and caustic Shark-with-dorsally-mounted-neodymium glass-laser infested cesspool that is the Dealbreaker comment section:

- As with any cesspool, make sure you've had your shots before wading in. Small cuts quickly grow infected and, left untreated, may consume a limb. You may consider a proactive series of antibiotics. Sure, this will likely create a few strains of drug-resistant commenters, but no more so than the years of cocaine immunity-building therapy many have already undertaken of their own accord.

- Feeding frenzies are common where large collections of mindless predators roam. Be very careful once there is blood in the water. Things can get out of hand quickly. This is rarely the time to pour a platelet-filled bucket of fish heads into the pool.

- While the mindless predators are common, and hazardous in great numbers, the more intelligent hunters, while fewer in number, are far more dangerous. One 15 stanza bite from these can leave you literarily crippled for a week.

- Dominance is key, but must be used mercilessly with the full force of your effort and sparingly. If you chose to try and assert it, your attack must be swift, utterly crippling, leave little chance for riposte and expertly mounted. A poor attempt at dominance assertion can be fatal and once you lose the respect of the commenters, all is lost. There is nothing more dangerous than an ego-wounded commenter.

- Alliances can help. Occasionally praising a noted commenter can create a much needed ally. Alternatively, adopting for praise a particularly meddlesome predator can fatally diminish that commenter in the eyes of his/her peers. That commenter may find him/herself set upon by peers. This works wonders when blood is already in the water. Consider the careful study of Aikido.

- Nipping is a weak attempt to test resolve. With some exceptions, commenters are an insecure bunch and need to strive for seniority even in their own subgroup and sub-clique pecking orders. This results in instant and merciless attacks on small errors in grammar or punctuation, or 70 comment debates on word selection. The great untapped secret of the Dealbreaker comment cesspool is that it is the world's most effective market-driven, distributed, free copy editing service. You can foster this dynamic by gently thanking the first couple of nitpickers with a "Wow, my fault. Thanks for the catch!" Of course, this effect is also totally dependent on the commenters not realizing they are being used in this way.

- Remember that like Sharks with swimming, commenters must comment constantly, or die. Accordingly, take much of their behavior with a grain (imperial asston) of salt. If they comment that much they probably aren't employed. (There is also the horrible possibility that they are employed to comment- but we will speak of this abomination no more).

- Posts about commenters draw the most comments. This is narcissus personified. Know, but do not abuse this fact.

- If all else fails, you have their IP addresses.

Some comments on composition:

If ever you get down on yourself try this experiment: Head over to Borders and pick up the latest Harlequin romance title you can find. Pick the one with the cheesiest, most Fabio-looking male model on the cover. Pick a chapter at random and skim for a cheese-platter paragraph that catches your eye. (I make no value judgments about what may or may not move you in this respect). Now replace "his" with "The Chinese Finance Minister's" and "her" with "Timothy Geithner." Replace "member" with "cash." Post with a picture of Tim in front of a Congressional Committee. You will learn quickly that writing standards mean nothing in this business (English is my third or fourth language depending on how you count) and your post will be the most read and commented entry on Dealbreaker all week. Remember this lesson. I've tried similar experiments thrice, and was never discovered. (Just mentioning this will augment my read-post count now as a flurry of readers go back to try and discover these secret passages in my prior writings- learn from this too).

You can never go wrong with a good contest. Bad contests are quickly forgotten.

Sex sells- unless its sex with bankers or lawyers. (Exception: Heads of investment banks or law firms).

Read the mood. Attack the unpopular subjects in the news. Praise the underdog heroes (then attack them later). Dealbreaker is about vicious gossip. Reporting on things that go well is bad copy- unless you are mocking it. Channel your inner tenth-grader in the social contest of life. Nasty. Vicious. Kill or be killed. Able to see weakness and attack it immediately. Write this way then moderate it slightly with some humor. Readers are at their core tenth-graders waiting to get out. Facilitate their escape.

Never try to out-finance the readers. You will almost always lose unless you are in the top 0.01% in the sub-discipline your post deals with. (Hint: You aren't, and even if you are you still lose because those who aren't can't tell the difference and there are 200 voices of idiocy to your one of clarity). Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Don't write for good reviews. It might work for a while but you will quickly learn that the only popular whore on Dealbreaker is Ashley Alexandra Dupré. Try ignoring comments for a week. (You'll only make it for a day, but it's a good effort to undertake).

Final word:

Dealbreaker readers hate change. Period. Until you aren't change anymore they will try to wear you down with unadulterated nonsense. The commenters are liars and would like to confuse us. But they will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological and powerful. Remember that. Do not listen.

Wearing a crucifix probably won't help. Carrying cash might.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 9:32PM

Any article about the cash for clunkers program?

http://cashforclunkerseligibility.blogspot.com/

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 9:35PM

@25 - Dude - WTF?

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 9:36PM

I love you EP and we *all* miss you lots. Welcome back to the cesspool, I'm sure the bites won't fester.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 10:11PM

Glondor, lord of snu snu, squisha squisha dink dink.

cgimmesum

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 10:26PM

@25 Holy f*ck! How long did that opus take you?

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 10:38PM

Sob! Do you wanna see me crawl across the floor to you? Do you wanna see me beg you to take me back? I'll gladly do it cuz ...

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 10:45PM

The Opus belongs to EP. tWas the last thing she posted before disappearing off the face of the earth.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 10:47PM

As long as we have the Joke Briefer everything will be fine.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 11:10PM

25 was the horrifically lame comment EP left for Greg. Typical EP in that it was 8,000 words, none of them funny, though you know she found it hilarious.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 11:14PM

Jonesin' badder than PTJ for the Colonel.

Posted by guest , Jul 31, 2009 11:20PM

I hope you are all proud of yourselves. Clearly, @29 just had a stroke. Thats just great.

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 2:04AM

Not gonna lie...very excited for next week. I'm beaching it, but will be patiently waiting for EP to drop the bombs on you bitches.

-Not Bess

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 8:52AM

While Bess is gone I recommend threads with the following page view "builders":

1. Which B school is best of all?

2. Is the CFA better than an MBA?

3. Topless women of the best MBA school.

4. CFA exam upskirt shots. (SAC candidates excluded.)

5. Compare and contrast MCC with Liz Claman.

6. Should Mark Haines demand a "peephole" clause in his CNBC contract?

7. "Teflon" Sue Herrara.

8. Cody Willard or Gaspo as an underwear model?

9. What is in the CNBC snack machine?

10. Use of the word "twat" in social commentary via Japanese haiku.

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 10:34AM

37,38 & that opus above(25?) YAWN.

I kept waiting for the punchline...yawn.

God, I hope this isn't a preview of next week.

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 11:05AM

@25, Full of fail.

Thanks for playing though.

Great googly moogly.

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 11:35AM

@41,
of course you do, ZeroHedge is your new home. You couldn't get DB to pay you for your writing, such as it is. Nor could you get The Atlantic, or anyone else but ZeroHedge to do it.

Really, I've often thought you shouldn't crap on Greg when you have, given your sitution.

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 11:39AM

sitution=situation

I may be a moron, but you may be one too.

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 1:18PM

What's up with the markets today??? It's like nothing is happening.....

~AIG Quant Research Department

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 2:18PM

@44 FT fucking W!!!

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 2:18PM

@44 FT fucking W!!!

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 2:18PM

@44 FT fucking W!!!

Posted by guest , Aug 01, 2009 3:50PM

@42

Do you think EP is paying Anal for writing at ZH? I find that hard to believe. It might be the other way around.

Posted by guest , Aug 02, 2009 4:19AM

Some Anti-Bailout Motivation From Coach Bob Knight

http://dailybail.com/home/anti-bailout-motivation-from-coach-bob-knight-im-tired-of-th.html

78 seconds of pain for someone.

Posted by guest , Aug 02, 2009 8:38PM

@50

Anal, if you are going to deny something, don't make it a non-denial denial. May as well don't comment at all, but now that's too late.

Anyway, it surprises many that hard-core pro-street guys like you, and one-two, and EP end up writing for that poser Tyler Durden at ZH with its faux populist reporting. You guys hate populists, we hate populists as the leftist wackos that they are, time to say you are sorry.

(It's possible that you all are doing this to try to stir up the masses so as to convert the GOP to the Ron Paul party, but good luck with that. It's not going to happen.)

Posted by guest , Aug 02, 2009 11:31PM

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!

Posted by guest , Aug 03, 2009 6:42AM

@51 she's hideous