August 2009

  • News

    Write-Offs: 08.31.09

    $$$ Allen Stanford To Undergo Heart Tests [Reuters] $$$ Chris Flowers: Checkmate For A Wall Street Wizard? [Fortune] $$$ Activist funds find going tough [FT] $$$ Bailout profits? Don’t make me laugh. [TBP]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 5:57 PM
  • News

    It’s The FSA’s Way Or The Highway

    When not tending to its duty as financial regulator, the FSA is busy playing the HR game. Figuring that who better than a regulator would know the hallmarks of senior executive success, the FSA has been busy administering competency tests to prospective C-suite candidates. Since they started deciding whether applicants had the “necessary skills, experience […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 5:42 PM
  • News

    What The IRS Can Do For You

    While private wealth clients were busy paying fat fees to their favorite Swiss bankers to figure out ways to dodge the tax man, clients at Topeka-based Renaissance were getting tax fraud plans straight from the crew at the IRS. A former IRS district director, Jesse Ayala Cota, will be spending the next two years behind […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 4:33 PM
  • News

    AIG’s New CEO Will Do Unspeakable Things To Andrew Cuomo. You Don’t Even Want To Know.

    “The worst thing that will ever happen to him is when he and I meet in the room and I close the door,” Benmosche, 65, said of Cuomo. “I ain’t going to meet with him with anybody else in the room. I won’t tell you what I’ll say to him, but I will tell you, […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 4:30 PM
  • News

    Misguided Investment Banker Attributes Pals Being Broke/Not Idiots As Signs Of Maturity, Indication They’ve Become Hip To The Evil Of Drugs

    So I missed this earlier during our discussion of hard-up coke dealers cold-calling clients, but apparently the fact that one guy’s friends and colleagues aren’t buying drugs anymore because either they’re unemployed and can’t afford to do so or because those with jobs are being slightly more cautious and not blowing rails in the bathroom […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 4:17 PM
  • News

    Sheryl Weinstein Would Like Us To Know Her Breasts Are Real, And They’re Spectacular

    Or at least they were back when she and Bernie were having an affair, a hundred years ago. Now, probably not so much but the point is this: her newly released (and deeply discounted) book is nothing if not the pushing of agendas. One, to shout it from the rooftops that Bernie’s penis was so […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 3:48 PM
  • News

    Barry Tannenbaum Has An Alibi

    It looks like “the world’s leading risk consulting company” was about as helpful as global financial regulators in identifying elite Ponziers. In addition to giving Sir Allen’s empire a clean bill of health, investigators at Kroll viewed Barry Tannenbaum and his surefire HIV antiretroviral investment scheme in a “very positive light” in their 2007 report. […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 3:04 PM
  • News

    Tool Of The Week: Psyching Out Your Competition

    You’ve heard of psychologically breaking someone, yes? It’s a tool all the best money mangers use, but up until now, haven’t discussed publicly. A demo of what we’re talking about, featuring new SAC Chief Strategist Mike Tyson, is after the jump. It may get a little dark for those of you with weak stomachs, but […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 1:43 PM
  • News

    FASB Takes A Trip Down Memory Lane

    After going through a crisis described as ‘once in a lifetime’, it would make some sense for regulators to take a close look at what the world looked like during a six-sigma event on the off-chance lightning strikes twice. But the folks at FASB would rather focus on the now alternate universe where such thoughts […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 12:20 PM
  • News

    What Gets Hank Paulson’s Stomach Lining Going?

    The following anecdote is from a new profile in Vanity Fair by Todd Purdum, who sat down with the former Treasury Secretary at various points throughout his term. Paulson paused. “Now let me … I’ll be there in one minute … Let me just make a … I have been, you know … I finished […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 11:57 AM
  • News

    Bear Stearns Version 2.0

    There were a lot of lessons learned during the fall of Bear and Lehman. By now, you’d figure people would have taken a step back, examined the fatal decisions made, and do everything in their power to avoid history repeating itself. When former Bear CEO Alan Schwartz started at Guggenheim earlier this summer, he was […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 11:22 AM
  • News

    Investment Bankers Being Stalked By Their Coke Dealers

    At least one, anyway. Have you, like “Nate,” employee of [make your best guess here], stopped purchasing your usual stash in the wake of having no money only to find your hook-up calling you from private lines, showing up at your apartment, hiding in your closest, and demanding to know why you never see each […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 10:48 AM
  • News

    UBS Employee/Dawson’s Creek Fan Pushing Himself This Morning

    The spread at left is to be consumed by a UBS analyst by the end of the day. Given that it represents only one item from each row in the vending machine, and he has from the opening bell all the way to the close to finish it all,* I wasn’t going to share the […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 10:29 AM
  • News

    Prepare For Liftoff

    We now have a launch date for the furry woodland one’s new Golden Era of banking. For banks that can stay afloat during the next 16 months and not wind up in the body count of around 500 SheBair warned about, get ready for earnings growth to hit ludicrous speed. Dick Bove said in a […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 10:05 AM
  • News

    Sheryl Weinstein: I Kept Bernie’s Ego In Check By Periodically Reminding Him Of His Shortcomings

    Having already established herself as whore (I don’t say that to mean, I say that to be accurate), it shouldn’t be that surprising to find out that Sheryl Weinstein gave away all the “best” parts of her story re: banging Bernie in the excerpts leading up to the book’s release, leaving us with little reason* […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 9:45 AM
  • Opening Bell

    Opening Bell: 08.31.09

    Lehman Claims Could Reach $100 Billion (Reuters) The majority coming from Joe Gregory. Kidding (kind of) but seriously: PWC says it’s gonna be huge. Cerberus to Raise New Distressed Funds (Bloomberg) According to chief operating officer Mark Neporent, the requests to pull $4.77 billion came from other managers who needed to provide liquidity to their […]

    / Aug 31, 2009 at 7:18 AM
  • News

    Hedgies Still Paying Record Rents In Greenwich

    If you think hedge fund investors are pissed about subpar returns, gated redemptions and high fees, wait until they hear what some of their managers are paying in rent. Despite the sputtering economic recovery, some Greenwich-based hedge funds continue to pay over $100 per square foot for space at the best location in town, One […]

    / Aug 30, 2009 at 5:00 PM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 08.28.09

    $$$ Obama Pay Czar No Stranger To Big Paychecks [Reuters] $$$ Deloitte Snagging Chrysler Audit from KPMG? [GC] $$$ Mary Schapiro: “We Need Significantly More Money” [ZH] $$$ Police baffled as dozens of ‘suicidal’ cows throw themselves off cliff in the Alps [Daily Mail] $$$ Job of the Week: UBS needs an associate director. You. […]

    / Aug 28, 2009 at 4:00 PM
  • News

    SOMEBODY SAVE BIFF BASNESS!

    You guys, this is Greenwich Plaza, home of, among others, AQR. We don’t want to jump to any conclusions about what happened, and fingers crossed this is just a drill, but please, someone, if this is serious, make sure our boy gets out okay.

    / Aug 28, 2009 at 1:43 PM
  • News

    AIG CEO Sees No Need To Work In The Office

    According to Robert Benmosche, the people who have been on his case for kicking off his AIG career by tending his grapes in Croatia, have it all wrong. The truth of the matter is he really doesn’t need anybody else around and can fulfill all of the duties of CEO of one of the most […]

    / Aug 28, 2009 at 12:15 PM
  • News

    Sleep Where Steve Schwarzman’s Crabs Hath Slept

    Steve and the wife have put their East Hampton pad on the market, asking $7.2 million for the place they bought in 1996 for $2.3 million. The couple is set to move into a new home being built in Water Mill, having decided they’ve had it with this dump, but perhaps one of you peasants […]

    / Aug 28, 2009 at 11:33 AM
  • News

    Iceland To Save Itself By Parting With Half Of Yearly Economic Output

    One of the worlds largest, most heavily leveraged hedge funds, Iceland, is fully embracing the ‘you’ve got to spend money to make money philosophy’. By forking over $6 billion to British and Dutch depositors of the failed internet banking arm of Landsbanki, Icesave, the country hopes to pave the way to promised land known as […]

    / Aug 28, 2009 at 11:06 AM
  • News

    Jon Najarian, Is This Your Handiwork?

    Also, Kudlow was “running late” this morning? Okay. Earlier: CNBC Employee Demands More Amanda Drury Cleave

    / Aug 28, 2009 at 10:51 AM
  • News

    Giants Looking To Hit Lehman Hard

    Size-wise, Joseph Gregory is going to have to take a number in the Lehman collection line. Standing $70 million ahead of him is the New York Giants. Big Blue is looking for just over $300 million back for payments owed under interest rate swaps which ran into a slight problem when their counterparty collapsed. Between […]

    / Aug 28, 2009 at 10:05 AM

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