$$$ Allen Stanford To Undergo Heart Tests [Reuters]

$$$ Chris Flowers: Checkmate For A Wall Street Wizard? [Fortune]

$$$ Activist funds find going tough [FT]

$$$ Bailout profits? Don’t make me laugh. [TBP]

When not tending to its duty as financial regulator, the FSA is busy playing the HR game. Figuring that who better than a regulator would know the hallmarks of senior executive success, the FSA has been busy administering competency tests to prospective C-suite candidates. Since they started deciding whether applicants had the “necessary skills, experience and integrity” to fulfill their potential duties back in October of last year, 15 of the 174 individuals under consideration for positions close to the top of the totem pole withdrew their names before a decision had been made and 12 of the 15 pulled out after the initial encounter with the FSA.

The FSA said: “In a number of cases, applications for senior roles have been withdrawn following interviews that raised questions concerning the candidate’s competence.”

Given some of the FSA’s recent initiatives, one hopes this will be a 360-degree review process.

Applicants pull out as FSA gets tough on top bank jobs [Times Onlne]

While private wealth clients were busy paying fat fees to their favorite Swiss bankers to figure out ways to dodge the tax man, clients at Topeka-based Renaissance were getting tax fraud plans straight from the crew at the IRS. A former IRS district director, Jesse Ayala Cota, will be spending the next two years behind bars for helping clients cheat his former employer.

Owners of home-based businesses who paid to become members of Renaissance received services including tax preparation, tax advice and so-called “audit protection.” The “Tax Advantage System” offered by Renaissance was based on claims that business owners could legally reduce the taxes they paid by converting their personal expenses into business deductions. Cota and other defendants assured Renaissance clients that the tax reduction methods were legal, even though the tax returns filed using Renaissance’s methods were based on providing fraudulent information to the IRS.

See- the gap between Wall Street and Main Street isn’t really that big after all.

“The worst thing that will ever happen to him is when he and I meet in the room and I close the door,” Benmosche, 65, said of Cuomo.

“I ain’t going to meet with him with anybody else in the room. I won’t tell you what I’ll say to him, but I will tell you, there won’t be a nice word.”—Bloomberg

So I missed this earlier during our discussion of hard-up coke dealers cold-calling clients, but apparently the fact that one guy’s friends and colleagues aren’t buying drugs anymore because either they’re unemployed and can’t afford to do so or because those with jobs are being slightly more cautious and not blowing rails in the bathroom at work means everyone’s a grown-up now, and has come to the conclusion that illegal substances = bad (blowing guys down at the Port Authority for a bump bad).

Damien, 27, who quit doing coke almost two years ago, has been contacted by three different cocaine dealers, all wanting his business, since June. “None of my friends mess with that anymore,” Damien says, “It’s like they grew up overnight when the banks died.”

Or at least they were back when she and Bernie were having an affair, a hundred years ago. Now, probably not so much but the point is this: her newly released (and deeply discounted) book is nothing if not the pushing of agendas. One, to shout it from the rooftops that Bernie’s penis was so small that it could fit into an electrical socket (she knows for sure because on one fateful night, they tried) and two to make herself sound like a hot piece of cheating whore ass (and maybe score herself another fake billionaire to “pal around” with). We’ve already been told, many times, how hot she was in the heat of the moment. Now let’s discuss the bod.

We were sitting across the table from each other when I walked over, straddled him, and opened two of the buttons on my blouse. He looked down and moaned.

“Have you had surgery?” he asked.

“No.” I smiled. “I have my mother to thank for these. But you can check for scars if you want.”

And since we’re unfortunately here, let’s find out what happened next.

It looks like “the world’s leading risk consulting company” was about as helpful as global financial regulators in identifying elite Ponziers. In addition to giving Sir Allen’s empire a clean bill of health, investigators at Kroll viewed Barry Tannenbaum and his surefire HIV antiretroviral investment scheme in a “very positive light” in their 2007 report. With promised quarterly returns of 15% making it through the fraud filters, the two thumbs up from Kroll helped more investors get in on BT’s golden touch. While the crew at Kroll may be licking their wounds for showing the risks of risk consultants to the world, there is one person who’d like to buy Team Kroll a round or two.

“The accusation of me running a Ponzi Scheme is unfounded and drivel. I was not running a Ponzi scheme at all…Thank goodness there is, at last, someone who believes that I am not all evil,” Tannenbaum said

Once the inevitable happens and Kroll gets sued for missing the boat on this one, Barry may have to reconsider his perceived evil quotient.

US investigators gave all-clear to alleged Ponzi pair [Guardian]

You’ve heard of psychologically breaking someone, yes? It’s a tool all the best money mangers use, but up until now, haven’t discussed publicly. A demo of what we’re talking about, featuring new SAC Chief Strategist Mike Tyson, is after the jump. It may get a little dark for those of you with weak stomachs, but if you’re willing to sacrifice some queasiness in order to win, let’s get it on.

After going through a crisis described as ‘once in a lifetime’, it would make some sense for regulators to take a close look at what the world looked like during a six-sigma event on the off-chance lightning strikes twice. But the folks at FASB would rather focus on the now alternate universe where such thoughts as ‘what would happen if two major investment banks, the entire auto industry, and one of the largest insurance companies went literally or effectively bankrupt’ are met with genuine laughter. The accounting overlords have a proposal in the works which would require companies to utilize alternative methodologies to provide valuations for their Level 3 assets based on “reasonably possible” scenarios. If you want to know what they’re worth when those unreasonably possible scenarios hit, you’re on your own.

FASB eyes more disclosure on illiquid assets [Reuters]

The following anecdote is from a new profile in Vanity Fair by Todd Purdum, who sat down with the former Treasury Secretary at various points throughout his term.

Paulson paused. “Now let me … I’ll be there in one minute … Let me just make a … I have been, you know … I finished this thing on Thursday night, flew over to Tokyo, flew back, and—”

And with that Paulson ducked into the private bathroom adjoining his office, closed the big paneled door, and audibly, violently, and repeatedly threw up. He emerged a moment later as if nothing had happened, but in a few minutes he did the same thing all over again. I asked if he wouldn’t rather stop, and resume our conversation another time. “That’s O.K.,” he said. “I’m just going to go through this all. I won’t remember it. You know, I barely remember the details now.”

If you had to put your finger on it— or down your throat— what would you guess induced the audible vomiting scene above?

a. The Bald had recently completed a REAL vending machine contest, and as he is not a pussy, did so in a matter of thirty minutes, making the upchuck understandable, though regrettable nonetheless.

b. Bernanke had just asked his bro to “check out this growth and tell me if you think I should be worried.”

c. He’d gotten wind of a sick rumor going around that this year’s Goldman alumni mixer would not include the much-loved tea-bagging of passed out Lehman executives booth.

d. He was feeling fat.

e. In a horribly misguided attempt to ingratiate himself to the Secretary, Ken Lewis had sent HP shots of himself in various states of undress on the BAC trading floor.

f. Same as above but swap CG for KL, and drape some Italian deli meats across his loins.

g. your call.

There were a lot of lessons learned during the fall of Bear and Lehman. By now, you’d figure people would have taken a step back, examined the fatal decisions made, and do everything in their power to avoid history repeating itself.

When former Bear CEO Alan Schwartz started at Guggenheim earlier this summer, he was still being a bit coy about his vision for the future when he said, “Fate has dealt me an opportunity to start from scratch”. But now the blueprint for Guggenheim’s future success is clear. Schwartz is going to bring the firm’s investment banking, research and brokerage divisions to a new level by turning them into “the next Bear Stearns.” Give the guy some credit- at least this time around he is giving people a little time to prepare.

At least one, anyway. Have you, like “Nate,” employee of [make your best guess here], stopped purchasing your usual stash in the wake of having no money only to find your hook-up calling you from private lines, showing up at your apartment, hiding in your closest, and demanding to know why you never see each other lately? You don’t have to be afraid anymore. You’re not alone.

Then the stock market crashed, and people started losing [coke dealer] Sammy’s number. But he didn’t lose theirs. “It was a 646 number,” says Nate, 26, who works at an investment bank; he got three calls from Sammy in one week. (Sammy’s contacts — five years’ worth — are stored in a small black notebook with cross streets, physical descriptors, and even sketches corresponding to each name.) When Nate called back, Sammy picked up right away: “He was like, Hey Nate, it’s me, Sammy, where ya been?” Last November, Nate was forced to switch jobs, and took a notable pay cut. “It’s not all fun and games anymore. I told him thanks but no thanks.”

(Of course, Nate needn’t be such a prick about the whole thing. Obviously Sammy is all too aware of the lack of good times up in this piece, and is just trying to make a living, just like Nate, though possibly with more integrity.)

Hit By Recession, Cocaine Dealers Resort To Cold Calling [NYM]

The spread at left is to be consumed by a UBS analyst by the end of the day. Given that it represents only one item from each row in the vending machine, and he has from the opening bell all the way to the close to finish it all,* I wasn’t going to share the challenge with you, given our new stance on the subject. However, I’ve decided to keep you posted on the progress, due to anecdotal evidence (by his own admission, the participant “cried during the final episode of Dawson’s Creek”) that leads us to believe this actually might prove difficult for the li’l fella, and all we ask is that you push beyond your own comfort zones.

*Vomiting disqualifies him, as does cheating, and considering the source, we’ll obviously be on the lookout.

Update: From the front lines: “Our young contestant has been working relentlessly through the trans-fat buffet served up for him. He started out with much enthusiasm, but recently, since he wrestled with a Cheese Danish, has gone all quiet and now claims to be “pacing” himself. It is not looking good. In fact, he has only consumed about 3500 calories, leaving some 5000 on the table.”

Still left: Doritos Cheese Nachos, Famous Amos, Grandma’s Mini Sandwich Cremes, Cheetos, 2 x Reese’s Peanut Butter Pieces, Olde Tyme Pretzels, Twizzlers, 2 x M&Ms, Twizzlers Nibs Cherry Bits, Genisoy Sweet Crisps, Lay’s Baked Crisps, EatSmart Veggie Crisps, BabyRuth.

Update II: FAILURE: “It seemed inevitable when, around 3 p.m., our contestant took up the “brace” position, which allegedly saves lives when airplanes crash. At 4 p.m. with 5 bags still on the table, some 1500 calories, he silently admitted defeat and then promptly headed to the restroom. We will be returning the prize to the donors shortly.”

We now have a launch date for the furry woodland one’s new Golden Era of banking. For banks that can stay afloat during the next 16 months and not wind up in the body count of around 500 SheBair warned about, get ready for earnings growth to hit ludicrous speed. Dick Bove said in a research note that US bank earnings are ripe to grow by 300-500% from 2011 to 2015. They’ll need to- who else is going to help the FDIC pay for all those who don’t make the cut?

Having already established herself as whore (I don’t say that to mean, I say that to be accurate), it shouldn’t be that surprising to find out that Sheryl Weinstein gave away all the “best” parts of her story re: banging Bernie in the excerpts leading up to the book’s release, leaving us with little reason* to actually purchase the thing. But, like fools, we did anyway (less than a week after coming out it’s already 20 percent off). So you don’t make the same mistake, and fund this crazy bitch’s existence, we’re going to just run through what I guess she figures are the money shots now. Also, those “intimate” photos we were promised? Not a single one of the climax generator. All the pics of Ponzi Boy are ones we’ve seen already, printed in little known publications like the Post. Perhaps feeling like she owed us something, Sheryl threw in a handful of her own family, including her wedding to the guy she cheated on with Bernie (and is still married to), and her son’s Bar Mitzvah. Because nothing says “I’m sorry” like plastering your husband’s face next to a line about blowing some other dude. Moving on, here’s a fun (harrowing) bit by Sheryl about taking Berns down a few notches:

We sat discreetly holding hands in one of the plush upholstered banquettes, quietly discussing the possibility of a rendezvous in Florida…”I didn’t realize you had such small hands,” he suddenly announced.

“I’ve been told I have a small mouth, too.”

“I never noticed that,” he said.

I smiled at him in a telling way. He got the message, and nervously cleared his throat. It was a dig. Every once in a while I liked to bring him back to earth when he was becoming too full of himself.

Nice! If you’re a crazy ho. Which, Sheryl will have you know, she wasn’t. Actually, she doesn’t address her mental instability, but she does make it clear to us, like she did to Bernie, that whatever conclusions might’ve been drawn to apply the term “skank,” what we have on our hands is a woman of straight class.

Lehman Claims Could Reach $100 Billion (Reuters)
The majority coming from Joe Gregory. Kidding (kind of) but seriously: PWC says it’s gonna be huge.

Cerberus to Raise New Distressed Funds (Bloomberg)
According to chief operating officer Mark Neporent, the requests to pull $4.77 billion came from other managers who needed to provide liquidity to their investors, meaning it had nothing to do with Cerberus and wasn’t one of those “lack of confidence” situations. Therefore: you should not hesitate to fork over cash for the new funds.

Barney Frank Said To Back Broader Fed Audits (WSJ)
According to Ron Paul. “Barney told me, ‘It’s going to come. You’re going to get what you want,’ ” Mr. Paul said.

Swiss Banks Expect To Avoid Witch-Hunt (FT)
They haven’t been promised anything but are hopeful, the alternative involving latex gloves. Boris Collardi, chief executive of Julius Baer, said: “I don’t want to say we’re relaxed but we’re prepared. There may be some requests for information [from tax authorities] but I don’t think we face the risk of another John Doe summons. It’s like we’ve been driving in a 60kph zone and after you’ve passed it, someone tells you it was 30. The interpretation of the rules has changed. It’s a very unpleasant position to be in, but the most important thing is that we won’t compromise on fishing expeditions or banking secrecy.”

Preaching The Gospel Of Momentum (Barron’s)
Barron’s: You employ about 200 people. But none of them do fundamental research and follow companies like General Electric or Nestlé, right?

Asness: It’s actually just me and David [Kabilllar] and one really big computer.

As Disposals Slow at AIG, ILFC Chief Makes Pitch (WSJ)
Steven Udvar-Hazy to possibly step up to the plate and buy about $2 billion of the company’s aircraft portfolio (and start a rival business).

Scavengers scan beaches seeking valuable trinkets (NYDN)
Your new revenue stream?

Woman Hires Hitman For Just $200 (CBS12 via BI)
$100 up front, $100 after the job got done.

The Flash-Trading Thorn In NYSE’s Side (WSJ)
Goes by the name William O’Brien.

If you think hedge fund investors are pissed about subpar returns, gated redemptions and high fees, wait until they hear what some of their managers are paying in rent. Despite the sputtering economic recovery, some Greenwich-based hedge funds continue to pay over $100 per square foot for space at the best location in town, One Hundred West Putnam. One firm in particular is paying over $600,000 a month, while another spent over $10 million on renovations and never moved in.

Who benefits most one might ask? Greenwich-based Antares Investment Partners, run by partners Joe Beninati, 45, and Jim Cabrera, 46. The firm and its founders have been the subject of a three part series on its torrid rise and fall in the Greenwich Time last week.

$$$ Obama Pay Czar No Stranger To Big Paychecks [Reuters]

$$$ Deloitte Snagging Chrysler Audit from KPMG? [GC]

$$$ Mary Schapiro: “We Need Significantly More Money” [ZH]

$$$ Police baffled as dozens of ‘suicidal’ cows throw themselves off cliff in the Alps [Daily Mail]

$$$ Job of the Week: UBS needs an associate director. You. [DB Career Center]

You guys, this is Greenwich Plaza, home of, among others, AQR. We don’t want to jump to any conclusions about what happened, and fingers crossed this is just a drill, but please, someone, if this is serious, make sure our boy gets out okay.

According to Robert Benmosche, the people who have been on his case for kicking off his AIG career by tending his grapes in Croatia, have it all wrong. The truth of the matter is he really doesn’t need anybody else around and can fulfill all of the duties of CEO of one of the most troubled companies in the world by telecommuting.

Steve and the wife have put their East Hampton pad on the market, asking $7.2 million for the place they bought in 1996 for $2.3 million. The couple is set to move into a new home being built in Water Mill, having decided they’ve had it with this dump, but perhaps one of you peasants might be interested? Your money will buy you 3,250 square feet, four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a pool house, and tennis court. You probably won’t be dining on $4 million/leg crabs but at least you’re not 5’6? Small victories?

Blackstone’s Schwarzman Lists Hamptons Home [WSJ via Cityfile]

One of the worlds largest, most heavily leveraged hedge funds, Iceland, is fully embracing the ‘you’ve got to spend money to make money philosophy’. By forking over $6 billion to British and Dutch depositors of the failed internet banking arm of Landsbanki, Icesave, the country hopes to pave the way to promised land known as EU membership and access to international bailout funding. With the some EU-based businesses so enamored with what’s coming down the regulatory pipe that they’re running away as fast as they can, Iceland’s $6 billion would likely be better used as a dowry for the Swiss than a quid-pro-quo payment for EU membership.

Iceland’s Approves Bank Bill, Averting Diplomatic Crisis [WSJ]

Also, Kudlow was “running late” this morning? Okay.

Earlier: CNBC Employee Demands More Amanda Drury Cleave

Size-wise, Joseph Gregory is going to have to take a number in the Lehman collection line. Standing $70 million ahead of him is the New York Giants. Big Blue is looking for just over $300 million back for payments owed under interest rate swaps which ran into a slight problem when their counterparty collapsed. Between building a $1.6 billion stadium with the Jets, and shelling out close to $100 million for the third best quarterback in the Manning family, the Giants are not short on cash outflows. But they really have only themselves to blame. When you choose not to business with a firm that speaks your language and invites people to a huddle, sympathy is tough to come by.

‘Blood Oath’ Sealed Stanford Deal, Court Is Told (NYT)
You really can never trust a person, especially in the money game. Sometimes you need a little added security that they’re going to be loyal to you no matter what. So why this happened, okay? “At a meeting in 2003, [Stanford and his chief regulator, Leroy King] became blood brothers, cutting their wrists and mixing their blood in a “brotherhood ceremony” that Mr. Stanford’s chief financial officer said promoted an elaborate scheme to hide a multibillion-dollar fraud from American and other regulators. After the pact, King called Mr. Stanford “Big Brother.” He received Super Bowl tickets, valued at thousands of dollars, for himself and his girlfriend. And he accepted regular bribe payments from a secret Swiss bank account that Mr. Davis said he was told to handle by Mr. Stanford.”

SEC’s Schapiro Calls Derivatives Data ‘Critical’ for Probes (Bloomberg)
Regulators need “information that allows us to construct an audit trail, so that we can find insider trading, manipulation and other concerns that can reverberate through the entire marketplace,” Schapiro said in an interview for Bloomberg TV.

Madoff Victims Fight Picard Over Profits (NYP)
Irving Picard wants to cut checks for whatever money each investor gave to Madoff (minus whatever they with withdrew), which is pissing of the people who’d just prefer he gave them the $50 billion.

Treasury Document Called AIG Investment ‘Highly Speculative’ (Bloomberg)
“A slide with the phrase was included in documents obtained in a Freedom of Information Act request by Judicial Watch. The sentence was omitted from another version of the slide in a presentation describing the November revision to AIG’s rescue in which the insurer got $40 billion from the Treasury. (“The prospects of recovery of capital and a return on the equity investment to the taxpayer are highly speculative,” according to the first of the two Treasury slides.)”

Banks ‘Too Big to Fail’ Have Grown Even Bigger (WaPo)
“It is at the top of the list of things that need to be fixed,” said Sheila C. Bair, chairman of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. “It fed the crisis, and it has gotten worse because of the crisis.”

Hedge Critic May Get SEC Risk Post (NYP)
University of Texas law professor Henry Wu, “known for his research uncovering shady dealings in the derivatives market,” is probably going to be named head of the SEC’s Office of Risk Assessment.

$$$ The Most Powerful Banker You’ve Never Heard Of [BW]

$$$ Hassan Nemazee’s about to come into some money. [Cityfile]

$$$ Alternatives to Sarkozy’s pay caps [The Deal]

$$$ Merrill Lynch Seething With Anger Over Treatment Of Dan Sontag [BI]

$$$ Racketeering 101: Bailed Out Banks Threaten Systemic Collapse If Fed Discloses Information [ZH]

$$$ SHIA LaBEOUF NOT RBS-BOUND. We *love* our tipsters, but a tip for giving ‘em to us? Letters are tricky! Make sure to double-check. (Money Never Sleeps was at RBC last night, not RBS, and will start filming there in November. Employees are being offered roles as extras.)

The home of two of the largest, and emptiest, trading floors in the world, Connecticut, is going after any residents on UBS’s now infamous list who weren’t able to obtain tax favorable citizenship elsewhere and flee to higher ground. If you thought they were going to do this the easy way and use people with immunity from prosecution to connect the dots for them, think again.

“UBS is naming names of tax evaders, and we have reason to believe Connecticut citizens are among them,” Blumenthal said on Thursday. “We will vigorously pursue them for unpaid taxes, including anyone who comes forward under the federal tax amnesty program.”

The old adage is true- old habits die hard.

Rewarding failure is having a bit of tough time catching on in Germany. While Dick Fuld disciples argue that managing a company into bankruptcy is worth about $233 million, three former Dresdner employees were being given the message by their new master, Commerzbank, that massive losses do not provide too much leverage for suing for million dollar performance bonuses.

“Given the huge losses at Dresdner Kleinwort last year, Commerzbank objected to the bonus and severance claims of the former Dresdner Kleinwort senior management,” Frankfurt-based Commerzbank said in a statement. “We continue to contest these arrangements that we inherited with no clawback position and have no further comment.”

Hopefully these guys realize this should be viewed as just a dress rehearsal. Pay day doesn’t really come until the company you are trying to bankrupt actually goes bankrupt.

[via Gawker]
You can do so here, and he’ll possibly answer you tomorrow night when he participates in a roundtable discussion on Bravo concerning the issues of the day with a fashion stylist’s assistant and a Real Housewife of Atlanta. Please note you’ll probably up the odds of a response by shying away from topics such as lending standards and stick with subjects along the lines of fabulous frocks and what the deal is with Kim’s mysterious boyfriend AKA “Big Poppa.” Also, pick for this season’s Top Chef? It’s so hard!

YES, girlfriends, this is finally happening.

The US may need to assemble a panel for over a year to reach the main conclusions from the financial crisis, but thanks to one turn on the Citi merry-go-round, several Norwegian municipalities have already completed the job. Should the seven municipalities pull off a major upset and win their $200 million lawsuit against the now $5/share company for their investment losses, those gains would pale in comparison to some of the valuable life lessons learned over the past several years.

“The small communities who went to the market all hoped to get rich,” a chastened member of Vik’s city council, Morten Oystein Holmberg, said in an interview at his home overlooking the gentle rapids of the Vikja River bubbling toward the Sognefjord. “As politicians, now we know we are not entitled to gamble with citizens’ money. That’s my conclusion.”

But it’s not just politicians in Norway who have a new outlook on the world. The folks who were supposed to help represent the municipalities’ interests also see the world differently now.

“The only ones who made money from these investments were the issuer and the broker,” (lawyer Jon) Skjorshammer said in his sleek offices overlooking an Oslo boat slip. “And now the lawyers,” he added, chuckling softly.

This has been a great laugh alright. No doubt people couldn’t contain themselves when the elderly were sleeping in the halls in nursing homes as a result of this non-stop comedy show. Hopefully next time Citi just sends some Tickle the Vickle dolls for those craving humor.

Yours wasn’t the only religion thoroughly fucked by Ponzi-Boy (though you are apparently the fall-guys).

There’s another religious group that was taken in by Bernard Madoff, one that’s less well known than the Jewish community he so widely infiltrated: the Sufis.

A number of Sufis, who practice a mystical form of Islam, and Sufi groups on both US coasts entrusted millions of dollars to a California lawyer, Richard M. Glantz, who is a member of the Sufi community. He in turn placed their money with Madoff. The connection: Glantz, raised in a Jewish family, is the son of a New York accountant who had placed $88 million in client funds with Madoff.

For members of the Sufi community, the Madoff news came as a particular blow. A group whose traditions include embracing all religions, woodsy retreats, and meditative dancing, Sufis may have been overly trusting of Madoff, they now say, and unsophisticated about investing.

“I really believe it’s a wake-up call,” Linden said.

Followers of a mystical religion were taken in by Madoff scheme [Boston Globe]

In the competition to see which side of the Atlantic will claim the title for the worst populist driven regulatory legislation, the chairman of the FSA is looking to make it a one horse race. Adair Turner is kicking around the idea of slapping a tax on banks to give to the world’s poor.

“If increased capital requirements are insufficient, I am happy to consider taxes on financial transactions… Such taxes have long been the dream of development economists and those who care about climate change — a nice sensible revenue source for funding global public goods.”

As taxes and regulations continue to bombard everything that moves in London, you’d think the prospect of yet another cash drain would send shivers up the spine of the UK authorities as the city’s competitiveness as a financial center comes under fire.

“It’s clear to me that the FSA has to be very, very wary of seeing the competitiveness of London as a major aim, and that’s not a popular thing to say because it has been defined as an aim,” Turner said.

With friends of a healthy banking sector like these, who needs enemies?

FSA Chairman Proposes Global Tax on Banks to Aid Poor [Bloomberg]

As previously mentioned, shortly after taking Ed Liddy’s job off his hands, new AIG head Robert Benmosche popped over to his Croatian villa for a little vacay. When could we expect Bobby back at the office some people wanted to know? Soon-ish! September 7th to be exact, as it’d be pretty ridiculous to come in right before Labor Day Weekend, when everyone is totally checked out anyway. Furthermore, he doesn’t actually need to be in the office to get shit done, Benmosche told Reuters yesterday in an interview from his home overlooking the Adriatic. He also discussed some other stuff (namely tips for chick slaying), which we’ll get into presently.

On working hard for the money, wherever, whenever:

“People criticise me for being on vacation. I actually started work a week before I was actually supposed to,” he said. “I do have conference calls every day, I have all my information sent here. I can work here as well as in the office in New York.”

On keeping him happy by making it rain, as he has offers of golden showers from a million other institutions coming out the ass:

The new AIG CEO is being paid more than his predecessor, Ed Liddy, who made just $1 a year. AIG said it will pay Benmosche $3 million in cash and $4 million in fully-vested stock. He also could receive a bonus valued as high as $3.5 million.

“It’s the bottom end of a competitive range,” he said, adding that he earned more previously and would be judged ultimately on his performance. “You still need to pay people competitively.”

The top financial regulator in Massachusetts, William Galvin, wants to have a closer look at exactly what was going on inside the Goldman huddle and has subpoenaed GS to open up the playbook. Galvin alleges that clients who were left behind the velvet rope af the Goldman were disadvantaged by those who had access to the platinum level membership benefits. If those clients were disadvantaged and angry before, they should be cheering now. With the details of the huddle system coming to light, clients now know exactly what they’ll get for showing a little more love for Lloyd & Co.

Goldman Subpoenaed on Huddles [WSJ]

Whether it was simply displaying the classic signs of an innocent man or merely a way to get some prolonged time in an air-conditioned room, Sir Allen is now on injured reserve. Apparently the opportunity to advance his ‘it wasn’t a Ponzi’ scheme campaign this morning was a bit too much for Stanford as he was brought to the hospital instead of the courthouse after his pulse topped out around 300 beats per minute. Somewhere in Butner, NC King Ponz is laughing out loud at just how much AS has to learn about this game.

Stanford Taken to Hospital After Pulse Rate Hits 300 [Bloomberg]

Okay, a couple of things here. 1) Not in disagreement with you Naj, but yesterday’s selection wasn’t a nomination for “best of.” It’s merely what was being laid on the table at the time. One in a series. If you haven’t been following along, we’re sort of live-blogging this thing. 2) The challenge has been accepted, but given that you’re working on the inside, perhaps you could do your part and grease the wheels?

Supposedly Money Never Sleeps had a crew up at RBS last night doing “prep work” (as in walking through the space, not setting stuff up) for a few scenes that may be filmed on the bank’s trading floor of the new building on Washington Boulevard. Not sure if this is a cash thing (the Queen’s bitches could use somea that!) or if closeted Shia-lover Fred Goodwin struck a deal before peacing that no one could figure out how to get out of. For those of you incensed over not even being approached about using your facilities for the flick,* take heart! There may be an open casting call for extras at some point next month. Get an acting coach now, as the competition will be fierce, and riding in on a Zamboni with a Pope-mobile-esque enclosure.

*The Swiss love themselves some LaBeouf like the Germans love David Hasselhoff, so this is really rubbing it in their faces, with UBS just across the way.

Update: Sadly for the RBS’ers there will be no Shia up in Stamford. Sorry to get your hopes up, please direct complaints to the tipster who fucked up by telling us RBS when RBC was intended. Acronyms are hard.

Feinberg to Formally Approve AIG CEO Pay Next Week (Reuters)
Benmosche (still on vacation?) will likely get the green light for his $7 million a year salary. Meanwhile, the Compensation Cop has not yet been convinced that Andy Hall, pouting in his German castle, “really wants this.”

Hedgie Paulson Mad About Citi (NYP)
JP has allegedly acquired a two percent stake in Vikram’s funhouse.

US Court Rejects TurboTax Defense (Bloomberg)
Good enough for Tim Geithner apparently does not fly for a couple of bros in Ohio: “Petitioners were not permitted to bury their heads in the sand and ignore their obligation to ensure that their tax return accurately reflected their income,” the court said in an opinion issued yesterday. “In the end, reliance on tax return preparation software does not excuse petitioners’ failure to review their 2006 tax return.”

Treasury warns regulator off financial tax talk (Reuters)
The Treasury warned the chief financial regulator on Thursday to stay out of taxation policy after he said he would support higher taxes on the financial services industry.

A Treasury spokesman said taxation was “a matter for the Chancellor (finance minister)” after Adair Turner, chairman of the Financial Services Authority, said he would back “special taxes” on banks to rein in their activity.

Economic Crisis Strikes Irish Heartland (WSJ)
The Gaelic Athletic Association needs warm bodies.

Stanford’s Private-Equity Stakes to Be Sold (Bloomberg)
And Sir Stan is not happy about it, though really the only recourse he has is to bitch and moan like an impotent prick via his lawyer.

Blackstone Gem (NYP)
Steve Schwarzman’s unit grew 25 percent to $25 billion through the first half of the year, beating HSBC and Man Investments, whose assets dropped 52 and 46 percent, respectively. Crab Hands for everyone.

James Paulsen Sees A Sweet Spot At The 5 Minute Mark (CNBC)

$$$ Hiring: hedge funds [Reuters]

$$$ Bernanke, Victim Of Identity Theft [FT Alphaville]

$$$ Ginnie Mae: Falling Home Prices = Does Not Compute [MoN]

$$$ Failed banks, by the numbers [Dealbook]

$$$ A writer at ESPN wants to know if clients are still being plied with gifts, specifically Legends Suites tickets at Yankee Stadium. If not, why not, and who’s getting playoffs tickets. Get in touch with him here. Will be kept anonymous.

I know he’s not a the CFO of a bank or anything but presumably he’s got access to a coupla private jets? Anyway, I think Phil’s request to meet him on the green this weekend just caught Maria off guard, which is why she got all flustered and claimed to have plans. She’ll be there. She’ll be there.

Richard Fuld was allegedly spotted climbing down the side of the Barclays building on 7th Avenue yesterday “using his dick as a substitute for rope” but it is Joe Gregory who’s gunning for the title Lehman Alum With The Biggest Balls (in addition to going for gold in the Brothers annual Lewis Black lookalike contest) on the eve of LEH going down for the dirt nap. Hombre has filed a claim against Lehman’s bankruptcy estate requesting $233 million in deferred compensation. Shoot it out of one of those tee-shirt guns, stick it in a bunch of garbage bags, or have Dick Fuld deliver it wearing a French Maid costume, just get the guy his money. He left that place in June, and shouldn’t be held accountable for the failures of others. Thank you and good night. (For those of you looking to top this, the bankruptcy court will be accepting claims from creditors until September 22. Let’s see your clippers.)

The tax evasion can squad can take credit for forcing one Swiss private bank to adopt the ‘screw you guys, I’m going home’ philosophy. After the UBS incident, Weglin & Co. decided it had seen enough and the risk of Swiss banks becoming the “extended arm of U.S. tax authority” was sufficient to issue a ‘Goodbye to America’ letter to investors. Between Team IRS’s renewed enthusiasm for its work and proposed changes to the estate tax, the private bank has decided to stop doing business in the US. Apparently it’s not just the UK that’s getting into the Pyrrhic victory game.

Susan Sarandon has signed on to play ShiBeouf’s mother in Money Never Sleeps, and the actor has also apparently been getting some on-set ass from co-star Carey Mulligan. Way more pressingly: the role of The Short Seller has yet to be filled, after Javier Bardem dropped the bomb on a hopeful hedge fund industry, dying for a bowl-cut, and dropped out. Josh Brolin is rumored to be in talks for the part, but I’m not feeling it. Any thespians out there wanna give the casting couch a shot? Bring a little authenticity to this thing? Get your best opportunity for a ShiBe sucker punch?

Some charities in South Africa may get a lesson in collateral damage. Some donation made by Dean Rees, accused of helping SA Ponz King, Barry Tannenbaum, bring in investors, may be coming back in a second life as a charitable donation to the victims of the scam. Before Rees moved to Switzerland (of all places), he was “earning” hundreds of million of rand in Ponzi commissions and shelling out pieces of it to charities to make him morally hedged. But now the trustee for Tannenbaum’s estate has indicated that no matter how much the Johannesburg School for Blind, Low Vision and Multiple Disability Children might need the cash, the investors who wound up with slightly less than their promised 3%/wk return need it even more.

“If we find, eventually, that whatever monies those charities received were from ill-gotten gains, then investors would require us to go and get the money back — even if it sounds morally repugnant,” Shirish Kalian, a trustee of Tannenbaum’s South African estate, said by phone from Johannesburg yesterday.

It’s an impressive feat to make a guy who lied about investing in AIDS drugs look ethically superior but with any success, these investors may succeed in doing just that.

Tannenbaum-Linked Charitable Donations May Have to Be Returned [Bloomberg]

The nobody gets left behind stimulus plan is starting to really stretch its wings. The government decided that 1700 prisoners in Massachusetts needed a helping hand with their ability to do business behind bars and sent each of them a $250 stimulus check. While inmates may be far more familiar with the intrinsic value of a pack of Marlboros than the US Dollar, one of their brethren would undoubtedly be glad to help them put their money to work. One can only hope there is some prisoner that goes by the name of Jackhammer or the like that is selling his flock on the virtues of the split-strike conversion strategy that The Godfather in Butner said would be perfect for their little windfall.

Stimulus Checks Mistakenly Sent to 1,700 Inmates, Federal Agency Says [Fox News]

In a “secret presentation,” the findings of which were summarily laughed off before segueing to more important matters like what to do with those evil hedge funds. Maybe if Jimbo had used words like “ass rippling bad,” “shit that will haunt your dreams,” and “straight up scariest environment imaginable” they would’ve taken him seriously? Next time Big Jim will consider painting a more harrowing picture. Sayeth Chanos:

“So there were some canaries in the coal mine by April 07 and Paul [Singer] pointed them out. I then segued into my presentation which told the assembled regulators that in fact if Mr Singer was correct and I believed he was, that the problem would not be hedge funds it would be the regulated banks and brokers who were leveraged 30-1, many of which held glowing, toxic radioactive pieces of securitisation which they could never sell. The German finance minister who was chairing the meeting thanked me politely and then thanked Paul and said ‘so what do you think about Hedge Funds?’”

So despite having received this stark warning, the only response from the politicians was ‘yeah, yeah but what about tightening up regulation on you guys?’ We were completely and officially ignored.”

Brown ‘ignored’ warnings re toxic loans and financial crisis
[LES via clusterstock]

Maybe! From someone supposedly in the know:

Pretty sure this slore worked at Barclays. “Ex-banker” is an extremely generous way to describe herself. “Pitchbook monkey bitch” would be more like it. She is worse in person than she comes off in the article.

First off, PMB? Cold. Second, while Barclays is apparently the early contender, why don’t Citi or UBS or the big ballers at Jefferies get a shot? And most importantly, which firm will step up to the plate and claim ownership next? Girlfriend is living off the taxpayer dime (“we thank God for unemployment insurance because it pays us to live in our expensive luxury apartments with no income”) and could use a new gig. Who’s got an opening?

If the case of Bradley Birkenfeld is any guide, the US government better hope he knew all there is to know about tax evasion because the reward for coming forward and giving the JV investigators at the IRS every detail they failed to uncover isn’t looking so sweet. After coming forward and helping the IRS get back $52 million in back taxes from his former tax evasion client, the powers that be turned around and slapped the former UBSer with a stiffer penalty than both his client, Igor Olenicoff, and his boss for failing to mention that he had been involved in the scheme. While Olenicoff enjoys his two years of probation and Birkenfeld’s boss is running free in Switzerland, the whistleblower will be spending the next three+ years in a federal jail.

Unless there are legions of people who just happened to stumble upon reams of detailed Swiss bank account information intended for the shredder, motivation for helping out the IRS seems hard to come by. The government has said it wants to send a strong message to tax evaders. With well thought out decisions like this one, the message is clear- don’t say a word and keep your passport handy.

Judge Rips SEC On BofA Pact (WSJ)
Rakoff: “Whatever this chain of vague expressions may mean, if it is intended to suggest that Bank of America settled this case to curry favor with the SEC or to avoid retaliation by the SEC, the Court needs to know the specifics.”

Sen. Edward Kennedy Dies After Battle With Cancer (WSJ)
Pour one out for T-Bone tonight.

The Ex-Banker Living On Alcohol, Hook-Ups, And Unemployment (NYM)
“Dinner with one of my old men. I am currently dating a few to finance my Manhattan meal plan. I promised myself the liquid diet, but not when you are having a free fabulous dinner at Del Posto. Mumble an excuse after dinner about not feeling well and having to call it an early night.”

Elle Macpherson Can’t Counter London Gloom as Americans Flee (Bloomberg)
Andrew Wesbecher is one of the many Americans escaping high taxes and a shrinking financial industry across the pond even though Elle is one of his neighbors. Of course, he might’ve stayed put if Arki Busson’s ex had done the neighborly thing and invited him over for tea and whatnot but no matter. According to Mark Tilden, “Expats feel the tone has changed; it’s less welcoming. London’s ability to attract talent has gone down.”

Citadel Cuts Name From Unit (WSJ)
Citadel Solutions LLC will become Omnium in order to “boost the perception that its fund-administration arm is managed independently from its hedge-fund business, employees of the firm have told people.”

April Thank You From Obama Started Embrace of Bernanke at Fed (Bloomberg)
Apparently Obama always liked Bernanke just fine, but he really started taking a shining to the guy on Good Friday, and it was his idea to wear matching outfits to yesterday’s press conference.

Goldman’s Trading Huddles Called Off Sides (NYP)
William Galvin: “We want to know everything that occurred in the trading huddles and how it was disseminated.”

$$$ Sarkozy to Deny Work to Bankers Bucking Bonus Rules [Bloomberg]

$$$ Antares unraveled as money, markets shrank (Now’s your chance to shack up in Biff Basness’s old office.) [Greenwich Time]

$$$ anal_yst on writing under the name “anal_yst.” [The Atlantic]

$$$ Nemazzee Complaint [scribd]

$$$ KPMG accountancy chief fiddled £545,000 to pay for his new wife’s luxury tastes [Daily Mail]

$$$ Is it me or does T. Geith get a little testy around the time he’s asked to justify why he’s Treasury Secretary? [WSJ via ZH]

It has been a rough two years for the Celtic Tiger. Faced with a GDP contraction around 8.5% this year and unemployment headed towards 15%, there are more than enough reasons for the Irish to head to the pub and grab a pint of the Black Stuff and listen to some Christy Moore. But things are so bad on the Emerald Isle that people are foregoing this time honored tradition and pubs have fired close to 5,000 workers so far.

“Rural pubs seem to be suffering the most and those pubs which relied on tourism trade are also well down,” Padraig Cribben, Chief Executive Officer of the VFI, said in the report. “We are now calling on the government to help us save the pub trade in Ireland.”

Having seen countless head-scratching auto and bank bailouts around the world that drive most people to drink, the least the Irish government can do now is make sure people still have a place to do just that.

Irish Pub Closures Lead to 4,800 Job Losses, Report Shows [Bloomberg]

Jamie Dimon was recently interviewed on a whole slew of topics, the most pressing one being Obama’s supposed hard-on for the guy, fueled by the media. Our favorite Boy Toy CEO stressed that he barely knows the President, and certainly not in the biblical sense, and in response to the query, “Are you Obama’s favorite banker?” which we all know is the god damn truth, JD answered, “I’m not sure he has favorites.”

This, of course, was a lie,* uttered for a couple reasons. The first is that it was a terrible question. Even if James wanted to answer “fuck hell yeah,” or “yeah man, he’s my number one fan— worships daily at The Church of JD,” Dimon’s not going to come out and say it (and he didn’t have to, thanks to being teed with such an easily evaded query). It’d make Lloyd’s blood boil, and obviously things are easier on him if he doesn’t have the general public thinking he’s got Obama wrapped around his finger. Maybe, we could’ve gotten there eventually, if the interviewer had used a little thing I like to call finesse. Maybe, next time, he’ll ease into that shit slowly, with more subtle but leading Q’s like:

“Do you get the impression Obama thinks about you when he’s doing his wife?” “Do you suspect he’s pressing Tim Geithner to enact Pantless CEO Fridays, a take-off on Hawaiian Shirt Day?” “Have you been told point blank that when he does karaoke to ‘Mickey,’ he swaps your name in so the line goes, ‘Oh Jamie your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind hey Jamie, hey, hey, hey Jamie’?” and “Does it weird you out that he’ll fill your entire voicemail with one message after the other like ‘Hey Jamie just checkin’ in, give me a ring,’ ‘Hey Jamie, I’m at a pay phone…pick up pick up pick up,’ ‘Hey James, I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah…has that ever happened to you? Anyway… call me, we’ll talk about it,’ and ‘Hey man. It’s me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later’?”

Now that the Senate Ethics Committee has opined that Chris Dodd’s status as a VIP friend of A-Moz and associated discounts does not violate the moral high road, the Senate Banking Committee Chairman can get back to his bread and butter- playing Monday morning quarterback for the financial crisis. The Countrywide circle of trust member now wants to make it known that the Beard can expect a “thorough and comprehensive” renomination hearing during which Dodd will prominently display his ability to recount revisionist history.

I still have serious concerns about the Federal Reserve’s failure to protect consumers and I strongly believe these responsibilities should go to an independent consumer financial protection agency,” Dodd said in a statement…Dodd said reappointing Bernanke was “probably the right choice,” although he believed the Fed chairman had been too slow to act during the early stages of the financial crisis.

The Beard actually may have been a bit slow on the trigger. Had he been faster, BB might have been able to avert the likes of Countrywide from engaging in dubious lending and modification practices and force certain senators to go elsewhere for taxpayer funded freebies.

Mail-call:

I hear there is a SWAT team outside of the Barclays building 745 7th avenue. Unrelated but I also heard Phil Mickelson is in the building.

Update: A source confirms that while there was indeed a SWAT team outside the building, they were not called to the scene to deal with Dick Fuld in a ski mask. Apparently the NYPD periodically conducts a standard exercise called “Operation Hercules” (seriously) in order to “show potential terrorists that they are patrolling major areas throughout the city, and can get anywhere their services might be required on a moment’s notice.” Separately, Mickelson is indeed in the hizzous, “saying hi, shaking hands, workin’ hard for the money.”

For insurance companies looking to hedge their bets should billions of dollars worth of destruction not come to fruition by the end of hurricane season, a new way to benefit from pain and suffering is emerging. After Tom Brady went down last year, the natural reaction for most football fans wasn’t ‘I hope the injury isn’t serious’ or ‘I hope he makes it back soon’, it was ‘I am so happy he wasn’t on my fantasy team’. However, for those who had the top pick last year and got hosed by Tom’s leg, you can rest a bit easier this year. Several companies are now offering insurance for fantasy football picks.

If any of the stipulated top 50 players go down for a significant part of the season, and you’ve paid for their insurance, Fantasy Sports Insurance will pay your entry fee back. In order to collect, you have to select a player (one policy allows you to group three players), pay the insurance — roughly 10 percent of your entry fee — and watch that player miss roughly two-thirds of the games with an injury

Now when you see one of your picks writhing around in pain from some cheap shot to the knees, you can breathe a sigh of relief. His career may be over and he may never be able to walk right again, but you’ll get your entry fee back.

Except when it will, in which case it’s prettay, prettay, prettay easy to pull off. This guy knows what we’re talking about.

Hassan Nemazee, chairman of Nemazee Capital Corp. and a fundraiser for President Obama and Hillary Clinton, was arrested on charges that he tricked Citigroup Inc. into lending him as much as $74 million using phony documents.

Nemazee got the loan by telling Citibank that he held accounts with hundreds of millions of dollars which could serve as collateral, U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara said today in a statement. He used fake addresses and phone numbers to mislead the bank, prosecutors said.

The accounts “either never existed or had been closed years before Nemazee submitted the documents referencing those accounts,” Bharara said in the statement.

As the saying goes, Citi crime never sleeps. A former sales assistant at the loss powerhouse was barred from the securities industry after putting a new spin on liar loans. In this case, Tamara Lanz Moon didn’t so much borrow money from clients such as widows, a U.S. diplomat, and her father as flat out steal it.

Moon allegedly falsified accounts and forged signatures to steal about $55,000 from the diplomat, $30,000 from her father and more than $120,000 from at least three elderly widows

The former Pandito worker bee made off with over $850,000 for non-client approved ventures like remodeling her house before Citi gave her the boot. Being fired from Citi and barred from the securities industry by Finra, you’d think Moon would be fighting for her financial life- maybe even getting a little depressed these days. But in the current anything goes as long as it goes environment in mortgage modification world, it’s only a matter of time before she takes some perverse pleasure in going back to her former employer for a little help on the remodeled house that got her into this mess initially. Welcome to the new housing circle of life.

Finra Bars Ex-Citigroup Aide for Stealing From Widows [Bloomberg]

Peruvian police expecting to find a shipment of cocaine hidden in a crate holding two live turkeys were surprised to discover the drug surgically implanted inside the birds. Acting on a tip, officers stopped a Turismo Ejecutivo SRL bus outside the city of Tarapoto in the central jungle state of San Martin, officials said Monday. Police were puzzled when they found the turkeys in the crate, but didn’t find the cocaine, Tarapoto’s anti-drug police chief, Otero Gonzalez, told the Associated Press. They then noticed that the two turkeys were bloated.

“Lifting up the feathers of the bird, in the chest area, police detected a handmade seam,” he said.

A veterinarian extracted 11 oval-shaped plastic capsules containing 1.9 kilograms (4.2 pounds) of cocaine from one turkey and 17 capsules with 2.9 kilograms (6.4 pounds) from the other, he said.

Both turkeys survived the removal.

Peru police seize cocaine sewn inside live turkeys [AP]

Earlier: What We Can Learn From The Mexicans

That’s right, ladies, Nails hath taken us for a ride. Earlier today we noted that LD, in a fit of genius, had ripped the toilets out and pissed on the walls of his Sherwood mansion in an attempt to get an insurance company to hand over $10 million or whatever they’ve got in their wallets, since he has no money. He also demanded that they give him a place to stay in the meantime, as he’s been living like a hobo, claiming that he spent the night on Sunday in the lobby of the Westwood Hotel. And when he did that, he lied to us. Because I have time on my hands, and none of you are making any news happen, I called up the front desk to get a little more color on the matter, and find out what LD looks like when he’s sleeping (soundly, like (someone with the mind of a) child without a care in the world, or violently, like someone whose dreams are haunted by Jim Cramer?). I was transferred to a fellow who was on duty that night and he told me that LD was full of shit. “He definitely didn’t stay here. Security never would’ve allowed that….though he might’ve been spotted loitering for a few hours before being asked to leave.” Sounds about right, and also like a total crock. It’s pretty incredible to think that we can’t trust the guy, at this stage in the game. Despite this upset, we’re willing to overlook things, if LD promises to take us up on the offer to write a weekly column on private planes (and tell us what he did with the missing toilets). Finally, if any one has some leads on where he actually was Sunday, let us know. A meth lab? On the set of a new porno called “Sonic And Nails”? Wherever one would go to pawn off Jon Kruk’s testicle? He needs to be held accountable.

According to a recent study, people are happier in poverty than facing foreclosure. Close to 1 out of every 2 people struggling to find somebody to modify their mortgage needs a serious pick-me-up.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine questioned 250 homeowners going through foreclosure in Philadelphia and found that 47 percent showed symptoms of depression, with 37 percent exhibiting signs of major depression. The rate was especially high considering previous research showed that only about 12.8 percent of people living in poverty were depressed, the study found.

However, for those worried that there won’t be a white knight to help them keep their home, help is on the way. The bank that Fox-Pitt Kelton analyst David Trone said could lose up to $68.6 billion through 2010 stemming from bad loans, Citi, is adding 1400 people to its mortgage unit to expand its book of delinquent borrowers. So cheer up people, Vikula has got you covered.

Very supposedly layoffs are planned to go down “some time this week, possibly as early as today” at DE Shaw. Apparently, not to worry, the cuts “will not affect any A-team players. This is just a cutting of fat.” Given that the firm went through axings as recently as June (“a result of efficiency right-sizing analysis”) we’re skeptical. If you (David) know anything, let us know.

Earlier: Diabolical Genius At DE Shaw

That’s what he’s telling Jane Wells, anyway. Last night being one of his “sleep days,” LD says he stayed in the lobby of a Westwood hotel. Why isn’t L-Dykes chilling in the mansion he’s been temporarily allowed to stay in after filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Apparently his house is uninhabitable. And why would that be? Because our favorite ball player is a smarter than any of you have ever given him credit for, and in a fit of genius one night decided to tear through the place with a bat and a pair of pliers, ripping up floors and doing god knows what with toilets, in an attempt to get insurers to hand over $10 million. I just want you to take a moment and visualize what the scene that resulted in the following was like:

Dykstra says the main house, the one he bought from Gretzky, is riddled with water damage which Dykstra estimates will cost $10 million to repair. The palatial estate is pockmarked with torn up flooring, holes in walls, missing toilets, as inspectors have tried to determine the extent of the problem. Dykstra is also demanding the insurance company make good on its policy to put him up in a temporary residence because he says the house is now unlivable. “I don’t mean to be crude,” he says, “but where do they expect me to (go to the bathroom)?”

Of course, it wouldn’t kill Jim Cramer to make some space for the guy, or at least free up an outhouse, considering his financial troubles are all JC’s fault, but I guess that’d be too much to ask.

The Beard may be coming back for a second tour of duty but, as proven yesterday, that doesn’t mean people will listen to him. Chief District Judge Loretta Preska of the federal court in Manhattan decided that despite the warnings from the Fed that allowing disclosure of companies and securities that received some form of government safety net would lead to “imminent competitive harm”, she would rather sit back and see some more evidence.

“The board essentially speculates on how a borrower might enter a downward spiral of financial instability if its participation in the Federal Reserve lending programs were to be disclosed,” she wrote. “Conjecture, without evidence of imminent harm, simply fails to meet the board’s burden.”

So after trillions of dollars in losses and damage to the global economy partially attributable to a lack of foresight by central banks and regulatory bodies, the message federal judges want to send is prevention is a bad thing. Either that or the judge wants to see if the Beard can save the day again.

What a gift! Also, she claims Bernie “didn’t know how to deal with the intimacy,” and feigns being bashful at the end, sort of implying that the interviewer is being inappropriate when he asks what it was like kissing the Ponz Master, as though she hasn’t discussed,* among other things, girth.

*AND WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT.

Obama to Reappoint Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke (WSJ)
Another term for The Beard! The President credits Benji with “pulling the economy back from the brink of depression,” according to Rahm-bo.

Regulators To Examine Goldman’s Trade Tips (WSJ)
The SEC and FINRA supposedly intend to look into Goldman’s weekly “huddles” to look as though they give a shit to people who think there’s something illegal about giving bigger clients preferential treatment.

Allen Stanford Must Stay In Jail (Reuters)
Sir Stan and his lawyer are not happy about this turn of events, telling the judge: “Allen Stanford deserves to be released and needs to be released in order to effectively assist in his own defense.” And also, you know, to escape.

Woman Is Charged in a Ponzi Scheme Involving Professional Football Players (NYT)
Think of the canines: “Federal prosecutors have charged a woman who once advised Michael Vick and several other football players with stealing $3 million from eight victims in a Ponzi scheme. Prosecutors say the woman, Mary Wong, worked out of her Omaha home and purported to sell investments in luxury properties in Arizona, Tennessee and Michigan along with private jets and other investments. Vick sued Ms. Wong in January, seeking to recover at least $2 million from her…According to Vick’s lawsuit, Ms. Wong persuaded Vick to give her power of attorney, putting her in control of his finances, but did not disclose the sanction she received from the New York Stock Exchange for depositing a customer’s money into her personal bank account.”

Ex-Merrill Exec Sues BofA Over Departure (Reuters)
Bob McCann would like to take a job at a new firm but some people are saying he didn’t give “a good enough” reason when he left BAC/MER in January, other than, “this place is a shithole.”

Ten Years Of Putinomics (FT)
All of them topless.

BofA: SEC’s Merrill Charges Were In Error (NYP)
“The very premise” of the SEC’s complaint “is fundamentally in error,” the bank said in documents submitted yesterday to US District Court Judge Jed Rakoff of the Manhattan federal court, who has blasted the SEC’s pact with BofA.

$$$ Chanos: Short Big Pharma [BI]

$$$ Citadel’s Lehman Loss [Reuters]

$$$ Senator Assails S.E.C. and Urges Broad Overhaul [Dealbook]

$$$ BofA’s saga over Merrill bonuses continues [The Deal]

You guys, I can’t even with this woman. The book’s out tomorrow, so just accept that we’re going to be relentlessly pounded with anecdotes like the following for at least another 24-72 hours, culminating with a no-holds barred interview/demo on CNBC conducted by Mark Haines and whichever random tourists outside the stock exchange are willing.

[Sheryl Weinstein writes that] Madoff had a penis so small that “it would fit easily inside the opening of a single-serving honey jar” that sits on a hotel room service breakfast tray.

PW Review: ‘Madoff’s Other Secret: Love, Money, Bernie, and Me’ [PW]

If a recent survey of 250 CEOs of large companies is any indication, the Pay Czar’s machete is going to be getting a lot of use. The study found the median spending on “all other compensation” increased by 7.5% during the past two years. While those that receive perks are apparently really making them count, fewer CEOs overall are getting access to the good stuff.

- Possibly switching to the newly purchased corporate yacht, only 68.8 percent of companies offered personal use of corporate aircraft, compared to 76.4 percent in 2007;

- Following the lead of our Treasury Secretary, tax-preparation services fell from 68 percent to 57.2 percent; and

- To make their homes more affordable for sale, home security systems fell from 37.2 percent to 30.4 percent.

Exclusive Report: Perks Still Common, Despite Economy [Compliance Week]

Afraid that the rally in pharma might come to an end soon, the President’s Council of Advisers on Science and Technology did their part today to keep the ball rolling. By putting out a report certain to avoid inducing panic that says that up to 1 out of every 2 Americans will be inflected with the virus, the White House can claim credit for any renewed interest in the makers of swine flu vaccine. The next campaign for this crew- ‘How Being Alive May Kill You’.

‘Cause that’s the kind Bernie has, according to Journal which will not allow itself or brother from another mother, the Post, to be made a fool.

We wrote the below post earlier today, under the headline “Bernie Madoff is Dying of Cancer.” Since then, the Bureau of Prisons has issued a vague statement saying “the article in the New York Post is inaccurate,” though the Bureau has not indicated what about the Post article is inaccurate. We checked back in with our source, who reiterated that Madoff does, in fact, have a “serious” form of cancer, though the source could not confirm that it was life threatening. Of course, we’ll let you know what we get as the story unfolds.

Bernie Madoff Cancer Update [WSJ]

GM may not know how to design a car people want, but it does know a thing or two about bailout arbitrage. Before GM’s first ride on the bailout/bankruptcy merry-go-round, it agreed to try to spin off its German arm, Opel. Having missed out on the opportunity to get Opel fully involved in the bailout sweepstakes the first time around, GM looks set to make sure the US government gets stuck with part of the bill the second time.

General Motors is looking at shelving a German-backed bailout of its Opel European car arm amid growing fears that long-running talks on the deal will end in failure. The US carmaker and its advisers are studying a scenario that would see GM abandon the German plan and instead raise roughly €3bn ($4.3bn) of rescue funds for Opel and its British Vauxhall brand from the US and other European governments, including the UK and Spain.

And with that, the seeds of the forthcoming Troubled Auto Relief Program were sown.

GM looks at shelving Opel plan [FT]

Oh hell no. No cancer for Little B, apparently, and supposedly the Post story was “riddled with inaccuracies,” meaning Bernie may not in fact be treated to delicious wrap sandwiches on the reg, or making friends with the “homosexual posse” on the inside, or it’s that bit about the relationships being “strictly platonic” that’s a crock, or the part about him scoring the lead it Carousel. It’s all hugely distressing as we were quite pleased to learn this morning that Berns was spending his days getting high, being wined and dined, mixing it up some hard bodies and dancing like nobody’s watching. I don’t like the idea of taking away even one aspect of the picture we were painted but apparently we have to. So let’s get into this.

Be forewarned that your failures may be reported (copied and pasted) in venues other than Dealbreaker. When you puke on the desk, Times UK will be watching. When bow out after two fun size bag of chips with three hours to go, the Journal will be watching. And when you run to the men’s room, doubled over in pain, AndyRS will be watching. Of course, they’re probably not going to be as hard on you as us, but they will slip nasty little digs in about fear of a future financial system in your hands which I will not stand for. Only myself and your fellow readers are allowed to verbally abuse and defile you for being pussies, got it? Anyway, now that we know others are taking note, accept this as a sign it’s time to step it up and out of the box, perhaps this afternoon.

With money successfully printed and bailouts in place, central bankers are currently deciding whether or not to play Russian roulette with their respective economies and, very likely, their jobs and proceed ahead with politically friendly but economically destructive regulatory legislation. The Beard may have received many enthusiastic thumbs up from fellow economists for his work so far, but with Laconic Larry waiting in the wings, he still seems a bit hesitant to go all-in on seeing whether or not the economy can survive the regulatory vice right now.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke used a weekend Fed symposium to single out the creation of rules limiting risk as one of the “difficult challenges” ahead.

But the Beard should take some solace. The head of the household at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. will have the mother of all challenges if he has to explain people why his guy went ahead with selected well thought out proposals and proves Dr. Doom’s double-dip recession call as being spot on.

Central Bankers Warn Recovery Shouldn’t Delay Tougher Oversight [Bloomberg]

And any suggestions for improvement. Everyone is here to please, particularly Big Lar.

Ralph Cioffi, the manager in charge of the two ridiculously named Bear Stearns funds—High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Fund and High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Enhanced Leverage Fund— that bit the bullet in 2007 is set to take the stand October 12, along with this partner in (possible) crime, Matthew Tannin. Ahead of the big day, Gabe Sherman at New York has checked in to see how things have been going for Big R since the perp walk. Not so good! In fact, one might say downright bad. First off, he had to sell his Southampton house this past July for “millions less” than his $11.875 million asking price. Then, he was forced to get rid of two Ferraris, leaving him with only one. But most upsetting? The hardest thing to take? The mother of all blows to the ego?

It’s been a lonely time for Cioffi ever since he was paraded in front of reporters last June. Only one of Bear’s top brass called after he was indicted. Alan Schwartz, Cayne’s successor, called once.

That’s right. At a time when the offer to smoke a J is probably just the thing that could lift Cioffi’s spirits, there’s been nary a peep from his stoner boss. Of course, there’s a logical explanation for the silence— Cayne is too busy running down his list of opponents, in alphabetical order, and telling reporters they’re all gay— but it would be nice if he could pencil this in. Cioffi could probably also be suckered into paying for the weed and chips, so everybody wins.

Alistair Darling is admittedly moving closer towards his goal of quelling public outrage in the UK at bank and hedge fund compensation. Part of the solution appears to be threatening enough regulation that the high rollers at hedge funds decide the rewards of staying in London aren’t worth the risk of lawmakers actually passing the proposed stifling legislation and are fleeing to recently tax cooperative Switzerland.

Richard Jordan a partner at law firm Thomas Eggar told Financial News: “Around 40% of my work involves advising people on ways to leave the country. We have reached a tipping point in terms of hostility to the UK tax system.” Financial News estimates that hedge funds managing nearly £10 billion of assets have moved to the tax haven of Switzerland in the past year.

Evidently a Pyrrhic victory is more palatable to some that no victory at all.

Many a “teachable moment” has emerged from the Madoff saga but I think the most important one we can agree on is “if you’re going to run a Ponzi scheme, don’t fuck one of your lunatic investors because she will go circus freak crazy on your ass.” Sheryl Weinstein’s anger is understandable, to an extent, but holy invisible D this woman scares the shit out of me. She continued to tell her “story” this weekend, re: what it was like to bang Bernie and while it’d probably be better to just pretend the whole thing never happened, I can’t look away. This thing is happening and I’m taking you with me. Strap in as Sheryl straps on.*

Before getting down to going down on Bernie, has anyone wondered what the awkward conversation with her husband, who until recently hadn’t known about the affair, was like? Was he totally blind-sided? Completely devastated? Not so much. He pretty much sensed all along she was an adulterous whore.

We sat down after dinner one night. I told him that I had something to share with him. Before he could say anything, I plunged in. “I had an affair 15 years ago.”

He didn’t appear shocked or angry, but he asked: “With whom?”

This was the hard part. “With Bernie,” I said.

“You’re kidding!” He almost laughed. “With Bernie? Him? What about Joey?”

Joey was my college boyfriend, whom I’d stayed in touch with over the years. “I thought if you were going to have an affair with anyone it would be him,” Ronnie said.

“No, it was Bernie.”

The Mad Max goodwill tour kicked off Saturday with a community chat about health care. Avoiding the temptation to one-up B-Frank’s exchange about allegations that some the Obama administration’s plans are reminiscent of a certain failed nation-state, the calm, cool collected one did take a little time to refer to some opponents of the public health care option as “neanderthals”. Maxie really wants a public option, but she knows it’s going to cost something. One guess who is going to pay for this plan. The answer comes 3:35 in.

The Post reports that Bernie-boy may be suffering from pancreatic cancer, a rumor we’ve been hearing since January that he’s been pushing while behind bars by taking “20 pills a day” and telling fellow inmates he could go at any moment. In the meantime, his new friends are apparently making things as comfortable as possible for the big man. According to sources, a whole bunch of prisoners are “trying to kiss his butt” via his stomach “by regularly cooking sandwich wraps for him back at their cells.” And if you thought that meant dry, unimaginative turkey meat, think again! Berns has been ingratiating himself to “the homosexual possse,” and while we’re assured the relationships are “purely platonic,” they certainly include a little aioli and some roasted red peppers. Additionally, it sounds as though someone has been performing a little manscaping on Big B, and also getting him stoned.

…a bare-chested Bernie has been killing time at the prison participating in Native American religious purification ceremonies held at an on-grounds “sweat lodge,” other sources said.

He accepted invitations from Native American inmates to join them at their weekly prayer services. The ceremonies involve praying, using heated rocks to induce sweat and smoking from a ceremonial pipe.

Also, several gangs are said to be lobbying hard to recruit Bernie into their crew, not going so far as to say, but to definitely imply they have people on the outside who can “deal with” Sheryl “It was the smallest D I’ve ever seen” Weinstein.

Goldman’s Trading Tips Reward Its Biggest Clients (WSJ)
Shocker (or not at all): “Every week, Goldman analysts offer stock tips [to about 50 favored clients…including Citadel Investment Group and SAC Capital] at a gathering the firm calls a ‘trading huddle.’ But few of the thousands of clients who receive Goldman’s written research reports ever hear about the recommendations.”

UBS Faces Gruebel Gloom Until 2011 as Withdrawals Curb Recovery (Bloomberg)
Why will no one trust the Swiss bank? Why is everyone acting like it did something wrong? WHY?

UBS Chairman Says Clients “Not Harmless Victims” (Reuters)
Kaspar Villiger: “Sure, now that tax evasion being viewed as ‘illegal’ they’re all ‘this is an outrage’ but at the time? They were sooo into it.”

Nouriel Roubini: The risk of a double-dip recession is rising (FT)
Doom: “There are also now two reasons why there is a rising risk of a double-dip W-shaped recession. For a start, there are risks associated with exit strategies from the massive monetary and fiscal easing: policymakers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they take large fiscal deficits seriously and raise taxes, cut spending and mop up excess liquidity soon, they would undermine recovery and tip the economy back into stag-deflation (recession and deflation).”

Harvard Endowment Regroups (WSJ)
“We are looking to have a greater portion of our assets managed internally over the next few years,” Jane Mendillo, Harvard’s investment chief, says. “That will allow us to be more nimble, have better transparency into the portfolio and have more liquidity.”

Now Pitching: A Hedge Fund (NYP)
Lock you money up with TODD Stottlemyre, and if you can’t meet his minimum, Lenny Dykstra’s offer to manage whatever cash you’ve got in your wallet is still on the table.

Plain Talk From Judge Weighing Merrill Case (NYT)
Apparently we’re still talking about those bonus payouts and whoever approved them is going down.

$$$ Sunbathe topless on Bernie’s boat. [WH]

$$$ Cerberus Investors Exit Funds [WSJ]

$$$ Buy the Dow Jones Industrial Average [WSJ]

$$$ Bankers Craving Bonuses Fudge Loan-Loss Reality [Bloomberg]

$$$ Job of the Week: BlackRock needs someone to deal with the SEC. You. [DB Career Center]

$$$ Ex-Wives and Others Eagerly Await the UBS Tax-Cheater List [Time]

$$$ Cody Willard coming to a big screen near you. [mediabistro]

Earlier this afternoon I got thinking about the fact that I should blow out of this place a little early today, which I’ll be doing shortly, which got me thinking about the weekend. Then I started wondering what your favorite Rego Park born and bred journalist might have planned for himself, and decided to get him on the horn and find out. Thank god I did! ‘Cause he’s got a message for all of you I’ve been asked to pass on. Chaz will be partying with his pal “Eddie” tonight (the same Eddie CG insists I remind you owns a family-run chain of gay strip clubs and was supposed to attend our dinner but was a no-show), at some place called Marie’s Crisis Cafe. He’d love for you to come out! After recovering from what will likely be an epic night, Gaspo says he’s going to keep it low-key. “I’ll be out in Connecticut this weekend,” Chazza told us, probably mixing drinks. “I’m gonna sit in my back yard, drink martinis out of a plastic glass, and read my book. At some point I’ll go for a run, and later, I’ll throw some steaks on the grill.” If that sounds like something you’d be interested, he’d love for you to join, if not, go fuck yourself, Hoss. CG doubts you’ve got anything better lined up.

Big boy just pocketed $25.87 million for his 640 Park Avenue co-op, after buying it for $21 million in January 2007. He and the wife originally asked for $32 million and were apparently pretty incensed by the lowball but rolled with it. Where should he spend the cash money? In other news, while we were out Chaz-boy said he’s been vindicated and Tits Cabrera recycled old material and then offered to chest-bump CG (she said “high five” but you know that’s just code).

Ladies, there’s a chance you’ll get to find out where exactly Amanda Drury is staying yet, and, if you play your cards right, trail behind her during the Aussie’s morning ritual of bagels and hobos. Melissa Francis promised last week that if enough people tuned in to watch her and the Druries on The Call, she’s draw you a map to AD’s hotel room. Then, shattering your universe, someone over at the network cruelly and unjustifiably decided to put Amanda and her D’s on Power Lunch and then over to The Call while Mel was on vacation. We’ve now received word that the girls will be making their debut duet this Monday. Prepared accordingly.

I’m posting the above spread, to be consumed in 7 hours (by 4PM CST) an analyst at an unnamed firm in Chicago not because I support it but because there is nothing else going on and I made some poor decisions last night that are making this morning a bit rough. In truth, I’ve grown weary of the day long endeavors to consume 5 cookies and a bag of chips. Not challenges in general, but the pussification of something that started out so right. If you’re going to do snacks, you get an hour. If you’re not working against time, then you should eating something disgusting, or that demonstrates marginal creativity. I’ll keep you posted on this last one, but only because it’s being subsidized by Ken Griffin. Moving forward, give me something good or nothing at all.

Update: “14 down, most of the heavy stuff is done, taking some time to settle and then attacking the light stuff.”

Update II: 24 items done. Challenger says, “I’m going to explode. The picture really doesn’t do any justice to the difficulty of this task.”

Update III: Hour and 45 to go, 13 items left, 8,000 calories down. “Vision is blurry and equilibrium is off a bit.”

Update IV: “Couldn’t finish Oreos, popcorn, pretzels and potato skins. Overall 9,000 calories in 7 hours. But had to throw in the towel. It’s worth mentioning that each item left had been opened and partially eaten.”

Any way you want it, it’s probably there. Standard tee with tits. Tee with no T’s. Tank top for your lady friend. Sleeveless for your Charlie Gasparinos. Plus: gear for dogs, babies, business cards, calendars, neckties, mousepads, beer steins and more. Anything that requires stitching (fleeces, hats, Polos) will be available Monday. Naked has decided to donate all proceeds to this cause, so load up good. I don’t know if there’s a rush order option, but personally I want mine for tonight. Also, progress has been made to get Drury, the inspiration for this whole thing, in one of these babies before her time here is up. Fingers crossed.

Here’s the latest trailer for Capitalism: A Love Story which you’re surely counting down the seconds to Fandango. Goldman Sachs is only mentioned once or twice, and Moore disses some guy at AIG for having a receding hairline which must’ve burned bad.

Two things are troubling in Charlie Gasparino’s latest story on Goldman Sachs, which has apparently been freaking out over how it’s going to manage the 85 Broad haters come bonus season, when Lloyd Blankfein is expected to make it rain golden showers. The first is that you might get the mistaken impression Chaz is an anti-Semite. This could not be further from the truth. Charlie loves Jews. Some of his best friends are Macabis and since I’ve known him he always takes the time to inquire “how the dreidel spinnin’s goin’, Heeb girl” come December. So please, people e-mailing us, get off CG’s ass for the description of current Goldman management below.

People inside Goldman tell me that some senior executives say they believe the onslaught of negative stories detailing Goldman’s manifold ties to upper levels of government, charges that it somehow fraudulently profited from the subprime crisis, and now the press about the firm’s record earnings is so out of proportion to reality that the coverage contains an element of anti-Semitism—subtly playing off the racist myth of a conspiracy of Jewish bankers controlling the world for their own benefit. (Goldman was founded by a Jewish immigrant, and after years of being run by Gentiles Jon Corzine and Hank Paulson, is once again run by a Jew, Lloyd Blankfein.)

The second issue we’re working through this morning is who the goddamn fuck has been running his mouth re: Lloyd Blankfein’s looks?

…one thing government bureaucrats don’t like is bad publicity, even if it’s in fringe media publications.

That’s why Goldman has been looking for months for the right person to fill the job of “brand manager.” It’s the reason senior executives at the firm meet almost daily on how to repair the firm’s image. It’s the reason Blankfein “looks like shit,” according to one Wall Street CEO who considers himself a friend of the Goldman CEO.

It shouldn’t be too hard to narrow this down (loose lips Lewis is a strong contender), at which time we can go confront the chump, and demand he say it to LB’s face. Let’s see how tough he is in the presence of a fishnet bodysuit.

Benmosche Accepts AIG Job as Friend Says U.S. Turning Socialist, Being Asked 3 Times (Bloomberg)
“He said, ‘How does it feel, here we are moving forward, and you guys are becoming socialists,’” Benmosche said during an Aug. 4 staff meeting, according to a recording. “I said, ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ I started to think about the motivation I had to doing this job.”

Rise of the Super-Rich Hits a Sobering Wall (NYT)
In 2007, Mr. McAfee sold a 10,000-square-foot home in Colorado with a view of Pike’s Peak. He had spent $25 million to buy the property and build the house. He received $5.7 million for it. When Lehman collapsed last fall, its bonds became virtually worthless. Mr. McAfee’s stock investments cost him millions more. One day, he realized, as he said, “Whoa, my cash is gone.”

Tiger Asia Engaged in Insider Dealing, Hong Kong Regulator Says (Bloomberg)
Tiger Asia was approached by a placing agent before market opening on Jan. 6 to participate in the planned Bank of America placement of Construction Bank shares, the SFC said. Tiger Asia was informed of the size and discount range of the share offering, it said.

Morgan Stanley Plans Hiring Spree (Reuters)
John Mack’s got 400 jobs and 400 cannolis to pass out. Get some of that.

FDIC Seeks To Attract More Buyers Of Banks (NYT)
The second most powerful woman in the world “taking extraordinary steps to attract buyers for troubled institutions.” Swimsuit calendar.

AIG Says Madoff Suit Without Merit (WSJ)
In a statement Thursday, the insurer said it will cover, under some product lines, losses that are a result of a fraud, but only if the policyholder suffered an actual net loss and has done so for claims related to the Madoff scandal. Everyone else can S a small D.

Switzerland’s Profit on UBS: $1.13 Billion (WSJ)
Toberlones for everyone.

Sail Away With A Piece Of Madoff Memorabilia (Telegraph)
B-boy’s boat, a “spanking white, classic gin-palace” featuring “a luscious master bedroom, a double room and a further twin room, plus all the mod-cons and the obligatory sunlounger decks” could be yours.

______________________________________________________________

“New intern challenge. We’re not in for the long-haul. This one’s a sprint. 4,200 calories. He has until 2:45PM (London time). Call it a farewell lunch if you will.”

Update: No cash prize at stake. Apparently he’s doing this “for respect.”

Update II: “Done. Nearly a photo finish at the end there. He managed over 1000 calories an hour. Now to take him to the pub to celebrate.”

$$$ SheBair: 2nd most powerful woman in the world. [Forbes]

$$$ Goldman Sachs spent $630,000 lobbying gov’t in 2Q [AP]

$$$ TARP Oversight Panel Hires Former S.E.C. Official [Dealbook]

$$$ Matt Taibbi Tangles With Maria Bartiromo Over Health Care [BI]

$$$ The world’s first cocaine bar [Guardian]

The Barney Frank show was just the warm-up act; Mad Max is having a town hall of her own this Saturday. But Maxie says you shouldn’t expect the same type of fireworks out of her as B-Frank because, in her words, “I just don’t seem to have that kind of anger”. An explanation of the source of all the conflict starts 3:20 in.

In a new article over at Time, William Cohan discusses the whole vampire squid thing with Li’l Blanks. Sayeth LB: “Oddly enough, the Rolling Stone article tapped into something. I saw it as gonzo, over-the-top writing that some people might find fun to read. I was shocked that others saw it as being supporting evidence that Goldman Sachs had burned down the Reichstag, shot the Archduke Ferdinand and fired on Fort Sumter.” They then go on to discuss Goldman playa hatas in general, LB’s gold-plated scrot, etc, which is all well and good but what we’re interested in is what in the hell this about:

Blankfein also developed some pretty bad habits. Once upon a time, he smoked two to three packs of cigarettes a day. He was overweight. He often dressed inappropriately or ostentatiously. And he had a love of gambling in Las Vegas.

The cigs, fine, the gambling, who cares, and the extra lbs just mean more LB to go around. But inappropriate and ostentatious dressing? Those are pretty strong words to toss out there without a follow-up, especially when we’re talking about a Jewish kid from the Bronx. What kind of a threads could he have possibly be sporting that would elicit such a description? Are we talking pimp canes? Or duds that would be most appropriate in Southern Connecticut, such as the ones at left, but wouldn’t be considered inappropes so much as required? I need someone who knows to let me know.

Forget Congress or any other official in government. When it comes to a truly frightening force with an axe to grind with short-term traders, look no further than Mark Cuban. Fresh off the SEC putting their house in order to possibly take another crack at proving its insider trading case again him, the man who has been fined around $1.5 million by the NBA for persistently screaming that he is right and those who have the authority for policing the game are wrong, has a new target.

“Our government doesn’t know the difference between an investor and a speculator or trader. If we did, we would understand that we should tax the trader/speculator more heavily than the investor…The government should raises taxes significantly on profits from short term capital gains on the sale of public stocks, indexes, commodities, futures held for 24 hours or less and extend the length of time required to qualify for long term capital gains and reduce the tax rate on long term gains.”

This coming from somebody who doesn’t know the difference between being an owner and being a coach/ref/teammate/mascot- sounds about right.

Let’s drain profits from traders, Mark Cuban says [LA Times]

Earlier: The Proposal To Bring Back Buy-And-Hold

Mandy tells TVNewser she starts each day with a bagel and “the hobos in Central Park” which may or may not be a pet-name for Dennis Kneale. Also, she says, despite all the negative stereotypes of New Yorkers, “everyone’s been really nice.”

According to Chaz, something’s eating away at former Citigroup consigliere Bobby Rubin. Something that absolutely torments him. Tears him up inside. Prevents him from getting a solid 8 hours. Gives him indigestion. Moment’s pauses. Could it have something to do with the sticky economic situation he might’ve had a hand in getting us into? Sort of but not really. The problem, Gaspo reports, isn’t that simple. Rubes knows he didn’t do anything wrong. His conscience is clear, and when he strips naked and roles around in the pile of hundos Vikram delivers to his home office each week even though a delivery guy could do it, Bob doesn’t think, man, I fucked some shit up hardcore. What does get to him, though, is that he knows it’s what everyone is thinking. Wrongly, yes, but they’re still thinking it.

It’s that blame that Rubin can’t seem to shake; in fact it’s becoming more intense as the one year anniversary of the financial crisis’s most turbulent period approaches. And as the debate about Rubin’s culpability grows among the chattering classes, people who know Rubin say this debate is also growing inside his head. Rubin has been privately wrestling with his role as senior adviser to former Citi CEOs Sandy Weill and Chuck Prince when the risk taking began (and reached immense proportions), and falling back on the fact that he didn’t have “operating responsibilities,” meaning he had authority but no direct responsibility to manage those risk takers.

Even among his peers on Wall Street, who revered him for so long, there is a general belief that Rubin is fairly culpable for the Citigroup implosion that led to a massive government bailout. This general belief, even among people who consider themselves friends, is what keeps Rubin up at night, according to people who know him. “Bob feels pretty strongly that what happened at Citi wasn’t his fault,” says one associate. “He also knows that he faces an uphill battle changing people’s opinion about the matter.”

And then you’ve got your pissants at the Post to deal with.

It’s fair to say the relationship between derivative market participants and regulators closely resembles the relationship between the Harlem Globetrotters and the Washington Generals. You know who is going to win; you know there are going to be some clever ways of getting around the defense; and you know the team from DC will be embarrassed in the end. Already sensing defeat before the currently proposed derivatives legislation has been passed, CFTC chairman Gary Gensler wants the Obama administration to tighten the screws a bit more on the market and stay one step ahead of the loophole exploitation squad.

“The story of market regulation has largely been one of rules being set and then end runs being worked out and ways to avoid the intent of the regulation being discovered,” said William F. Hederman, an analyst at Washington Research Group. “Here’s an attempt by the regulator to be proactive and an attempt to see those end runs ahead of time and close some of them off.”

Who knows- they may close some of them off initially. But, much like the Generals, it’s only a matter of time before regulators think they’ve won only to find their pants around their ankles.

It turns out AIG head honcho Robert Benmosche’s statement that “My first charge is to get the company to operate at the level it used to operate, being the world’s best” wasn’t quite accurate. Before he gets around to that, and more in line with his admission that “I’m not going to rush to do this”, Benmosche was out repairing AIG’s image by carefully selecting grapes for his beloved Croatian wine near his villa.

Remember Stephen Dent, the DuPont heir who got worked over by a tag team prostitute/pimp married couple after he met the wife on a straight and narrow website called SeekingArrangements.com? He probably would’ve gotten fucked sooner or later even without the assistance of a bald TV psychologist (Dent was a regular on SA.com, and also kind of an idiot who regularly sent money to women he met online) but apparently it was Dr. P who sped things up a bit, after tipping off Dawn (left) and Christopher Jessop as to where they could find a treasure trove of suckers.

In an interview with police, Christopher Jessop, 30, of Mansfield, Ohio, called himself the mastermind of the scheme that successfully bilked 54-year-old Dent out of more than $200,000. Jessop said he came up with the idea after watching a segment on “Dr. Phil” that detailed the sugar daddy dating site SeekingArrangement.com.

“I was like, baby, you know, get on the computer and see what this is about,” said Mr. Jessop, detailing a conversation he had with his wife, Dawn Jessop, to Greenwich detectives in a March 19 jailhouse interview. “The next thing I know, I mean, these rich guys are just sending us money for nothing…just conversations over e-mail.”

Mother Russia has never been afraid to do things her own way. Most recently, the Finance Ministry decided that governments who have been spending copious amounts of time and effort trying to curtail tax evasion have it dead wrong and are taking a different approach. To encourage economic growth by allowing people to spend their money instead of handing it over to the government, the Finance Ministry has backed a multifaceted plan from the Duma to withhold criminal charges for first time tax evaders and raise the evasion amounts that would qualify for criminal charges for repeat offenders.

For individuals, the criminal charges for major tax evasion would rise to 500,000 rubles unpaid (if the percentage of unpaid taxes is more than 10 percent of the overall sum) or up to 1.5 million rubles ($47,000). Massive tax evasion would be up to 2.5 million rubles (when 20 percent is unpaid) or 7.5 million rubles ($234,000).

At least one government is getting serious about reducing the tax burden on its people.

Finance Ministry Backs Tax-Evasion Changes [Moscow Times]

We’re still working out the aesthetics but circa tomorrow, you will be able to purchase an HB for TF’ing on the following items:

* beer mug

* beer stein

* business cards

* polo shirt (sans tits)

* hat

* mouse pad

* magnet

* fleece (no t’s)

* neck tie (no t’s)

* postage stamp

* t shirt (with tits)

* t shirt (no t’s)

* tote bag

* coffee mug,

* poster

* skateboard,

* BBQ apron

Update:

* key chain

* Keds

* Bumper sticker

Presumably part of the reason for the pay upgrade for the new AIG CEO is to cover his duties as company therapist. The $7 million man, Robert Benmosche, is making it known that the abuse AIG employees have suffered at the hands of the Treasury, the Fed, the pink ladies, and pretty much everybody else needs to end.

“I’m appalled at how much pressure has been put on all of you to just sell it no matter what, because the Fed wants out, or the Treasury wants out. If they want out in a hurry, they shouldn’t have come in in the first place.”

As much as the Beard would love to have that one back, the fact is AIG is still among the living and their workers need to purge themselves of the pain of the past couple years for them to focus on the task at hand. And what better way to clear their conscience than some couch time with the man at the top.

“It’s time the people in Congress stopped talking about you as the problem, because you’re the solution,” he said. “It’s not your fault, it’s their fault, it’s the regulators’ fault.”

So people, stop dreaming about becoming a shepherd and get back to what you do best- infuriating the free world by allocating bailout money to oversized compensation packages.

Benmosche Tells AIG Workers He’ll Rebuild Units Before Sales [Bloomberg]

An analyst, late 20’s, at a hedge fund that shall remain nameless on Park is currently attempting to best this morning’s showing out of Great Britain, i.e. successfully completing a spread of candy and other assorted snacks without throwing up with minutes to go. He has 9 hours to eat 40 items (full accounting after the jump), which strikes us as an exceedingly long period of time but the bar has been set extremely, embarrassingly low. Started 15 minutes ago, so far has housed both packs of Ho-Ho’s and all the Lay’s chips.

Update: I’ve been informed that the contestant does not have to swallow the gum (he has to chew each piece for 2 minutes), and also asked to noted that the bulk of these items “have been expired for 1-2 months.”

Update II: Done: Lays, Doritos, De-lish-us Cheese Popcorn, both bags of pretzels, Cheez-Its, Baby Ruth, Twix, Beanut M&Ms, both sets of Ho-Hos, and a pack a mints. Says, “My stomach knows what I’m doing. There is no sneaking up on this one.”

Update III: Done: T.G.I. Fridays Potato Skins, both bags of Krunchers! Kosher Dill, reg. M&Ms, Reese’s NutRageous, and the Famos Amos cookies. “His pace is troublesome, and he has a long battle ahead of him.”

Update IV: Left: Chili Cheese Fritos, Veggie Wheat Thins, Original Fritos, Cheetos, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Hostess Pudding Pie, Suzy Q’s, Ice Breakers gum.

Update V: Threw in the towel 35. Left was: Suzy Qs, both Fritos, Cheetos, and Pudding Pie.

Cityfile reports the joyous news that after months of relentless bitching from the wife, five girls and former investors over their lives being ruined ‘cause he had to do business with that dick, Walter Noel has finally been able to get some me-time in out at the Sebonack Golf Club in Southampton. His game’s pretty much for shit but surely he’ll be able to step it up during his sabbatical from the investing gig (though it may be brief, as we’ve heard the world’s greatest son-in-law has been able to secure some Colombian drug money for the new shop).

Bernanke, a Hero to His Own, Can’t Shake Critics (NYT)
Those bastards in Congress won’t get off his ass but on the bright side the Beard was able to attend his son’s wedding and get home in time for dinner a few times in the past couple months.

London always finds a way to shell out for bonuses (Telegraph)
According to headhunters, “guaranteed bonuses are increasingly being abused.” Since the Financial Services Authority outlawed multi-year guarantees but said it would tolerate those for a single year, “guarantees have come back in fashion,” one recruitment consultant said. “People are being offered amazing guarantees.”

SEC Plays Keep-Up in High-Tech Race (WSJ)
The regulator is trying to “take a close look at flash quotes, high-frequency trading and other dark corners of the stock markets” but really has absolutely no idea what it’s doing, if Mary Schapiro can be totally honest.

Switzerland Selling UBS Stake After U.S. Tax Accord (Bloomberg)
You get a little bad press re: breaking the law and all of a sudden no one wants anything to do with you.

Bear Stearns Exec Ignored Conflict Warnings (Reuters)
Probably too busy getting high. No, but seriously: Ralph Cioffi apparently “routinely ignored warnings of potential conflicts of interest, and was rebuffed when he tried to pledge some money toward a loan to build a luxury Florida condominium.”

Ind. money manager sentenced for Fla. plane crash (AP)
Marcus Schrenker gets four years, cries. “To this day I cannot believe I could do something so reckless and selfish,” he told U.S. District Judge Roger Vinson on Wednesday. “I believe a divine force gently put the aircraft down in the swamp. It is my hope the residents of Milton feel my pain. If someone had gotten hurt, I do not know what I would do.”

UK Movie Aims To Find Lehman Lessons (NYP)
One “former high-ranking” exec (Dick Fuld) is not happy with the casting of Corey Johnson as the Gorilla. “[He’s] way too young — not hard enough, not serious enough — [and he] looks bewildered,” this person said. “Dick was never bewildered.”
______________________________________________________

This morning in gorging yourself for sport: “Today sees the famous vending machine challenge occurring in London. 6000 calories in 5.5hours by an intern at Citi. Currently finished 16 out of 27 items. Looking 50/50 to finish with a 2pm London Time cutoff.” We’ll keep you posted.

Update, 8:20AM: 40 minutes and 4 items to go

Update II: “Had 8 minutes to go…1 mars bar left….and he vomited! on the desk! FAIL!!!!”

$$$ Derivatives traders turned cabbie sells TV pilot [NYP]

$$$ Citigroup’s Asset Guarantees to Be Audited by TARP [Bloomberg]

$$$ 12 Things You Absolutely Must Know Before Investing Again [clusterstock]

$$$ Paul Singer’s 2nd-Quarter Letter [Dealbook]

$$$ An Artist’s Impression Of A Goldman Sachs Bonus Securitization Offering [zh]

On a relative basis, this is progress.

General Motors Co. said it canceled plans for a new Buick sport-utility vehicle announced Aug. 6 after potential customers said the model lacked the “premium characteristics” they expect from the brand.

GM Cancels Buick SUV One Week After Announcing It [Bloomberg]

Okay, people, we weren’t going to discuss the made for TV movie coming out on BBC this fall, since 1) it’s already been cast and 2) we had our hands full with more pressing issues but it’s been brought to our attention that there are at least three very important roles that need filling. First off, Erin Callan and David Einhorn. Who do you think could pull off the parts of the players that comprised 2008’s love that dare not speak its name? And much more importantly, that of our number one bitch?

As Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, B-Frank has heard a lot of stuff this year that he’s likely found rude, objectionable, offensive, and flat out wrong. But at a recent town hall meeting, after some hyperbole on the state of the US economy, one woman ignited a fire in Barney not seen since the Mark Haines incident.

When they’re not praying for hurricanes, some insurance companies are apparently living in mortal fear of additional paperwork. The insurance lobby in the IOU state scored a major victory when they talked down state lawmakers from proceeding with legislation designed to combat insurance fraud in workers’ comp cases. While the idea of sending out notices to injured workers to verify that they actually received the services billed may have looked good on paper to some, the massive impediment from the postage involved was too much for insurance companies to take.

Sending out notices is “prohibitively expensive” and would confuse injured workers, said Steven Suchil, an attorney with the American Insurance Assn.

It would be a real shame if insurance companies took the risk that injured workers might understand whether or not they had their arm reattached and lose some of their ability to cite fraud as a primary reason for raising rates.

Crackdown on workers’ comp billing fraud is dealt a setback [LA Times]

I don’t know how I missed this (actually I know exactly how, it’s that I was trying to close the tab as quickly as possible) but after informing us this morning that Bernie Madoff’s penis is not just tiny in length but in “circumference” as well, Sheryl Weinstein went on to note the silver lining of getting down with a small D. According to the classiest woman on earth who, by the by, is still married to the husband she cheated on with Berns, sticking it in her mouth was nothing:

“On the bright side,” she concluded, because of its size, “oral sex would be a breeze.”

Maybe the administration was actually up to something clever with the cash for clunkers program. Figuring US auto companies wouldn’t thin the dealer herd enough, could it be the program was really a test to see who reads the fine print and who doesn’t? Some overexcited dealers who thought being reimbursed by the federal government in a “timely manner” meant getting their cash in a matter of days are currently going bank-to-bank trying to find loans to complete transactions. With the overabundance of banks looking to throw money at auto dealers, there may be hope yet for capitalism in this country.

Fonts for the name are still being considered (everyone is in agreement that using one of the following is the way to go, with AQR and SAC proving particularly popular) but what are your thoughts on the above? I think it’s subtle enough that you could wear around town, and it highlights the fact that the firm is Handbridge and not Gigantic Rack Capital. Naked has also rightfully pointed out that we have a few types of customers on our hands. The ones who “don’t give a fuck and want full tits,” the ones who want just the fund name and tagline sans picture, and everyone in between. So we may offer three positions, to accommodate your various comfort levels.

Update: Greg and I have figured out what’s off about the image. The hands are kind of just laying there, instead of pushing up and together. I think, personally, I’ll be going with the name/tagline only tee (plus the fleece, obviously).

In related news, I’m working on getting her to model our company tee. Plan B is Gasparino.

After all of the attention (and collective bitching) about hard-to-value, illiquid assets, FASB’s revived interest in bank lawsuits is nothing short of dark comedy. One year after starting a probe into investor complaints that banks were a little light on providing “the likelihood, timing and amount of future cash flows associated with loss contingencies”, FASB is back at it.

Companies would need to disclose the amount or an estimate of a claim, the maximum potential loss and likely insurance coverage along with details on a dispute’s origin, its status, expected timing of a resolution and most likely outcome. A table would be required to display potential losses from litigation.

With any success, FASB may wind up establishing an impressive perpetual litigation feedback loop. The last thing banks need now is to be sued for providing inaccurate expected loss/gain estimates for the things they’re being sued for.

FASB Weighs Disclosures Fought by Citigroup, JPMorgan [Bloomberg]

Naked is still working with his designer to tweak the T’s but would like to know what you think of this font. Too much? Just enough? Let’s get into this. Also, it goes without saying but we’ll do so anyway that after the shirts we’ll be doing mugs, mousepads and, if you play your cards right, fleeces.

Earlier: Handbridge Capital Swag, Comin’ At Ya

Edward Filippi, previously with Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc., raised $35 million for a hedge fund investing in energy, metals and agricultural derivatives.

The Ground Zero Strategic Commodities Fund may begin trading in the first quarter of next year, according to Filippi, who spent a year selling commodity investment products for Lehman.

Ex-Lehman Banker Filippi Raises $35 Million for Commodity Fund [Bloomberg]

Putting the doctrine of inevitable discovery to good use, Nomura has decided that it should not reward executive search firm Hogarth Davies Lloyd with “finding” employees that fell into their lap through the Lehman bankruptcy. In 2007, Nomura agreed to pay the headhunter £50,000/mo plus a minimum of 25% of the first year’s pay for each person Nomura retained. But in the era of trying to get something for nothing, Hogarth believes they should earn their standard fee for placing the executives Nomura took on anyway when they acquired Lehman’s Asian and European operations and is filing a lawsuit.

“There is a dispute about the extent of Hogarth Davies Lloyd’s role in the Lehman Brothers’ acquisition and the fee that is properly due,” said Stephen Sidebottom, Nomura’s head of human resources for Europe, in an e-mailed statement today. “The claim is misconceived and Hogarth Davies Lloyd is seeking a commercially absurd sum.”

By now you’d think executive search firms would know banks accept bailouts, governments provide them.

Yesterday Sheryl Weinstein, the woman writing a book about being screwed by Bernie Madoff, informed us that contrary to popular belief, Berns ain’t packin’. She stopped short of going into greater detail, presumably because she’s got a plan to milk this thing through Labor day. What we’re looking at is a long slow build up that will involve us waking each morning to learn another fact about Bernie’s D that we won’t be able to unlearn, hard as we try, until she shoots her load in our face sometime around September 7. Here’s today’s offering:

“Bernie had a very small penis,” she writes. “Not only was it on the short side, it was small in circumference. That he was now pointing it out to me was telling. It clearly caused him great angst. I wanted to be careful how I responded. Men and their penises have a strange and unique relationship.”

Oh, but don’t worry about the Invisible D preventing B from getting the job done. Weinstein, horrifically, goes on. “I liked this man and didn’t want to emasculate him,” she said. “His tiny penis hadn’t prevented me from climaxing.” Tomorrow: cock-bush, yea or nay? I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility Sheryl’s going to tell us.

California to get $1.5-billion loan from JPMorgan Chase (LATimes)
Jamie Dimon helps Arnold end IOU program a month early, with money repaid in late September.

Multiple Explosions In Baghdad Kill At Least 75 (WSJ)
“The officials said the deadliest blast was a car bomb near the foreign ministry, which killed at least 48 and wounded more than 240. They said the toll may climb as rescue workers continue to search through rubble and debris. The ministry is close to the fortified Green Zone. The officials all spoke on condition of anonymity because they weren’t authorized to release the information.”

The Greenback Effect (NYT)
Warren Buffett: “But it was a wise man who said, “All I want to know is where I’m going to die so I’ll never go there.” We don’t want our country to evolve into the banana-republic economy described by Keynes.”

Freddie Mac Names New Chief Operating Officer (Reuters)
Bruce Witherell, come on down!

More Banks In Europe Identified In Tax Probe (WSJ)
Credit Suisse Group AG, Julius Baer Holding AG, Zürcher Kantonalbank and Union Bancaire Privée. UBS, you are not alone!

U.S. Says Building Criminal Cases Against UBS Clients (Reuters)
At least 150 tax evaders are going down.

Amanda Drury Will “Happily Go Down Under” With Joe Terranova (CNBC)


2:25, the offer is made.

You probably didn’t realize it at the time, but on July 2, the world changed. It was on that afternoon, just after we’d slapped up a picture of Amanda Drury sporting aggressive amounts of cleave, that a Dealbreaker reader asked, “you think they’re big enough to TF? Looks like she might need to use the hand bridge.” Though he was posting under “guest,” his name was NakedShort, and he’d just injected the HB into Dealbreaker vernacular. Then, several weeks later, as we discussed the abomination that was FashionMeetsFinance, and the scandal taking place re: its guest list, another one of your own RSVP’ed to the event listing his company as Handbridge Capital. Today, Naked took it on home. The above image is currently being tweaked (the T’s will be slightly smaller, as they currently do not require an HB to TF, and we strive for accuracy above all things), but it will be up for grabs very soon, possibly as early as tomorrow. But first we need a tagline, and we need you to give it to us. Do your worst.

$$$ Regulators urged Citi to replace CFO [FT]

$$$ Bogus Tax Returns [GC]

$$$ The Final Nail in Bob Guccione’s Coffin [Cityfile]

$$$ Paul Krugman vs. Niall Ferguson [Daily Intel]

If you believe Pali Capital, Goldman may not have the balls to pay its people so they can make it rain with $100s, not $50s. As part of the firm’s rationale behind its GS upgrade from ‘neutral’ to ‘buy’, Pali said there may be a fourth quarter fade in cash earmarked for bonus day.

In their report, Pali’s analysts predicted that Goldman might choose to set aside 40 to 50 percent less cash in the fourth quarter for employees as a result of what they described as compensation “complaining” and political pressure surrounding this hot-button issue.

We’re not sure if Pali was serious about this or is baiting Goldman to prove them wrong and guarantee a New Year’s Day cage match between Lloyd & Mad Max.

Analysts See Upside in Lower Goldman Bonuses [Dealbook]

The insurance industry is currently hoping for a late summer rally of its own- in multi-billion dollar, hurricane-related destruction. After suffering through three years without an epic success like Hurricane Katrina, insurers are getting a little anxious that it’s mid-August and the death and destruction counter from tropical storms this year is barely registering.

“If there are no major storms, more capacity will become available and prices will start to come down,” Shivan Subramaniam, chief executive of commercial property insurer FM Global, said in an interview…Subramaniam estimated that a storm must incur between $9 billion and $10 billion in insured losses to convince already strapped customers they need to pay more for coverage.

Just what the world needs now- mother nature giving AIG another bailout.

Thanks to a DB reader, a good example of what the insurance companies are crossing their fingers for follows after the jump.

He’s on “hiatus” for the forseeable future (two weeks, though anything could happen).

Several of you have emailed us today wondering if you’re getting fired. The short answer, in our professional opinion: no, probably not. Apparently a bunch of the Queen’s bitches have been made nervous by the uncharacteristic sight of the London bosses in Stamford this afternoon. But you needn’t be, chippies. Not sure why this wasn’t made clear but the visits are merely those friendly chats known as annual reviews, which were previously scheduled for March but put off due to extenuating circumstances. Those who’ve been through already report the experience was relatively painless and that it was actually something of an ass kissing session in an attempt to keep those who survived the guttings several months back happy. So get in there and milk it. You could probably get away with anything you want, and even some stuff you never agreed on beforehand without much argument. (Note: I suppose if your review didn’t go well you could conceivably be looking at a “pack up your shit and don’t come back” meeting down the road but it’s unlikely, if you’ve made it this far. In sum, we spent the last couple days live-blogging tits and dick sizes, so there has to be someone in your office who’d know better than us.)

Well that didn’t take long. Only months after getting a stay of execution, cost conscious and always timely General Motors is using a self-described “uptick” in sales on the heels of cash for clunkers to fire up production (and overtime pay) to prepare for the furious recovery in the auto market. While economists debate meaningless things like unemployment, availability of credit, and income growth, the government’s auto prostitution program was all auto consulting firms and the new GM needed to see to flip the switch back to the ‘overproduction’ position.

“They’re probably seeing some demand that goes beyond what they would deem a boost just from cash-for-clunkers,” said Erich Merkle, president of Grand Rapids, Michigan, consulting firm Autoconomy. “There are signs this economy is going to improve fairly quickly.”

And on a related note:

The dramatic jump in auto sales attributed to the “cash for clunkers” incentive program is fading fast, according to Edmunds.com, which said automotive purchase intent slid 31% from its peak in late July

Who says lightening never strikes the same place twice?

From: Duncan Niederauer

Sent: Tuesday, August 18, 2009 2:35 PM

Subject: GAP at NYSE Euronext

As you know, one of the many market benefits we promote to current and prospective listed companies is NYSE Euronext’s global visibility platform. This week, every employee can play an important role in helping one of our listed companies leverage that platform to build its brand.

On Friday, August 21st, NYSE Euronext will help Gap Inc. celebrate its 40th anniversary by encouraging all employees, trading-floor staff and representatives to wear jeans to work. This will be the first time in history our dress code will be relaxed, and we are proud to do so in support of a listed company’s initiative. We anticipate photographers and
news media to be present in and around our building, capturing this brand building effort for the world to see.

In support of our efforts, Gap Inc. will raffle off 50 pairs of jeans to NYSE Euronext employees. Please click here to enter the drawing.

So please join me in taking part in this fun opportunity to sport your favorite pair - preferably GAP brand! — jeans! Your participation is greatly appreciated.

- Duncan

If there is one thing the administration cannot stand it’s folks who try to play jurisdictional tax arbitrage. The UBS incident proved there is a zero tolerance policy here for unpatriotic individuals who try to skirt their responsibilities with the tax man. However, it turns out there is somebody who can get away with tax evasion and is bold enough to not even try to hide it. The US embassy in London is currently delinquent to the tune of £3,446,420 from accrued traffic congestion fees it has run up ever since the city imposed the £8 fee.

The US embassy spokesman said: “Our policy on the congestion tax is a long-standing policy decided on by Washington. The US government’s position is that this a tax and therefore is prohibited by various treaties.”

It’s good to see there are at least some tax agreements the administration does not have any issues with.

Obama’s ambassador to London will not pay congestion charge backlog [Guardian.co.uk]

We didn’t intend for this to be Bernie Madoff Wick Dipping Day but so be it. Did you work as an administrative at some point in the last few decades? There’s a good chance you got boned by Bernie, says another book about to be released on the topic of Berns’ roving D. According to author Jerry Oppenheimer, the Ponz Master “had flings with numerous secretaries that frequently ended with hush-hush settlements,” including one for $250,000. Most of the girls were “the same type as Ruth” in that they were blond* and blue eyed, and also not the same type, in that they were “young.” Apparently many a tryst took place “in the office,” which should add a little something to the guided tour of the Lipstick Building’s 17th floor that a couple of Bernie’s lovechildren are planning for this fall (people love a good conception-on-copy-machine story). Anyway, not that we necessarily want to hear or picture more on this subject, but one can’t help but think that this would be a great time for anyone touched by Bernie to come forward and weigh in on whether or not Sheryl Weinstein’s assessment of the Madoff package is fact or fiction.

*Ruling out the possibility of an affair with long-time secretary/Liza Minelli doppelgänger Eleanor Squillari, which might explain recent instances of cattiness re: Bernie’s girls: bitch be jealous.

**Sidebar: That’s definitely my new fave pick of the big man.

The Putin Lending Plan for Sberbank (07/22/09):

A significant part of the [branch] network is not profitable but you cannot abandon it,” he said. “This is your payment for the state support.”

The Results (08/18/09):

The head of a Moscow branch of Sberbank, Russia’s largest state bank, is suspected of plundering over $180 million, the Interior Ministry said on Tuesday.

“A criminal investigation has been opened against an organized group comprising the head of a Sberbank branch, its economic security officers and their accomplices, who plundered large amounts of money,” said Alexei Shishko of the ministry’s economic security department.

No word yet on how this will impact vacation permission slips.

The following post is by a hedge fund manager friend of DB who shall remain nameless. He runs the emerging markets desk at his firm.

Damn it felt good to be a Nigerian banker - until recently. Now, one of the largest banks is complaining of being the victim of “gang rape” (we’ll get to that in a bit) and it along with several others have ended up wards of the government. At the end of last week, Nigerian authorities finished their stress test of the first batch of ten top banks. The results must not have been pretty: the Central Bank promptly intervened in the running of five of these banks, firing the existing top management and replacing them with Central Bank appointees and simultaneously injecting a total of $2.5B of new Tier II capital.

The Nigerian banking system may sound like the punch line to a joke involving the rate of interest on yams or the subject heading of an email addressed confidentially to the reader on the basis of his reputation as a trustworthy and discreet individual, but in point of fact it was for a time both an emerging markets reform “success story” and, for its size, a not insignificant beneficiary of the boom in capital flows to the emerging markets. In 2004, then-Central Bank Governor Chukwumo “Charles” Soludo pushed the government to institute a new banking law. It required the then-fragmented and undercapitalized sector to meet new increased minimum capital requirements by 2005, sparking a wave of consolidation and recapitalization. From an unruly mob of small, flimsy institutions, many with capital bases less than $10M, emerged a surviving group of around 25 larger, cleaned-up banks.

Been dying to get some face time with Biff Basness? Now’s your chance! Shoot Bubba a resume today.

AQR has started hiring big time. They have hired a hoard of useless green PhDs recently and are looking for more. Morale of the non-PhD crowd, which is doing most of the grunt work when PhDs are polishing their nails in front of partners, is pretty low. I expect a major churn out in February, after the pay day.

It looks like the Treasury wants to throw down with the bespoke derivatives clan. Riding the wave of structured product tar and feathering, the Treasury believes it has found the solution to curbing the issuance of customized derivatives- which would naturally make the world a better place.

Through higher capital requirements and higher margin requirements for non-standardised derivatives, the legislation will encourage substantially greater use of standardised derivatives and thereby will facilitate substantial migration of OTC derivatives onto central clearing houses and exchanges,” says the Treasury

Before they start lighting up the Cohibas and patting themselves on the back for a job well done, the masterminds behind the plan to increase the cost of doing bespoke business may want to reconsider what they’ve done. Faced with mounting pressure to become profitable without reducing headcount by 50% every 3 months, banks are now being told that if they still want to make large chunks of change on bespoke transactions, they better come up with clever ways to circumvent new capital and margin requirements. The Treasury can thank themselves for the next evolutionary step in structured products antics.

Move to curb non-standard OTCs [FT]

JO&C or attempting to S your own D?

Last week, after hearing a lady named Sheryl Weinstein had written a book about being screwed by Bernie Madoff both as an investor and as one of the skanks he was banging on the side for years, we asked everyone to guesstimate what B-Boy might have going on downtown. Most of you figured he had to be packin’, on account of the evidence at left. Not so, says Weinstein! The Daily News has a few of the “intimate details” included in the tome today. Notable among them: “This man was not well-endowed.”

Obviously the question we’re all asking ourselves is, was he “not well-endowed” relative to Weinstein? Do we have an abnormally large vagina situation on our hands? Are we going to get a completely different take from Berns via his attorney Ira Sorkin later this afternoon, saying the problem didn’t lie with his small penis but rather, with Sheryl’s “HUGE vagina,” as Sorkin makes a wide ‘V’ symbol with his hands? Apparently not. Supposedly Mades was all too aware of his shortcomings, going so far as to call up Weinstein the day after their first time together to apologize. That detail sort of strikes us as a crock, and possible indication of a lady doth protest scenario but S Dubs then goes on to speak rather highly of Ponzi-B’s skills. “I didn’t have a problem,” with the invisible D, Weinstein claims she told B. “When we made love, I was on fire.” (Ed: The Daily News seems to think Weinstein was describing how hot Little B got her though she very well could’ve been describing her own performance.)

Also:

Shanghai Mayor Sees Bankers Bereft of Conscience (Bloomberg)
“Financiers have the least conscience in the world when it comes to making money,” Han, 55, said in an interview. “By saying that, I would have offended many bankers and financiers, but this is my personal experience.” Sing it, sister.

UBS tax deal may pave way for bank’s recovery (Reuters)
An interesting theory out today is that by simply handing over the names of the clients it helped avoid pay taxes, the Swiss bank’s name and “image” will no longer be tainted, and that people will stop leaving the comment “UBS sucks” on every post mentioning it.

Supreme Court To Hear Case On Executive Pay (NYT)
Jones v. Harris Associates, this fall, re: doling out huge bonuses, while one’s company bites the big one. Judge Richard Posner had this to say last summer, which no doubt pleased Eliot Spitzer greatly: “Executive compensation in large publicly traded firms often is excessive because of the feeble incentives of boards of directors to police compensation.”

Jury Finds Butler Did It (NYP)
Ex-Credit Suisse broker Eric Butler, possibly going to jail for 45 years, cried after being convicted of securities fraud.

‘Terminator’ Producers File Suit Against Hedge Fund Backer (Media Decoder)
For the love of god tell us another one of these is about to come out. It’s August, and we need this.

Regulators Were Told Of Stanford Fraud, Investors Say (Reuters)
“These agencies along with Stanfor