The Post reports that Bernie-boy may be suffering from pancreatic cancer, a rumor we’ve been hearing since January that he’s been pushing while behind bars by taking “20 pills a day” and telling fellow inmates he could go at any moment. In the meantime, his new friends are apparently making things as comfortable as possible for the big man. According to sources, a whole bunch of prisoners are “trying to kiss his butt” via his stomach “by regularly cooking sandwich wraps for him back at their cells.” And if you thought that meant dry, unimaginative turkey meat, think again! Berns has been ingratiating himself to “the homosexual possse,” and while we’re assured the relationships are “purely platonic,” they certainly include a little aioli and some roasted red peppers. Additionally, it sounds as though someone has been performing a little manscaping on Big B, and also getting him stoned.
…a bare-chested Bernie has been killing time at the prison participating in Native American religious purification ceremonies held at an on-grounds “sweat lodge,” other sources said.
He accepted invitations from Native American inmates to join them at their weekly prayer services. The ceremonies involve praying, using heated rocks to induce sweat and smoking from a ceremonial pipe.
Also, several gangs are said to be lobbying hard to recruit Bernie into their crew, not going so far as to say, but to definitely imply they have people on the outside who can “deal with” Sheryl “It was the smallest D I’ve ever seen” Weinstein.
Injuns will protect Mades. He make big pow-wow with Chief running ass.
I’m making my shank right now – can’t wait to meet this mofo.
236598124
Bern quoted
“Me smokem big meat, get wrap.. around”
hysterical — good start for a monday AM
He’s still not having as much fun as me this summer.
–CG
platonic my ass.
prison sounds awesome!
-andy m
It is most definitely NOT the smallest D up in my V using my Es I ever saw. Thank god he’s jewish, ’cause that lipstick would’ve been able to place some rouge on Mt. Rushmore.
- Harrison Williams
what kind of pansy prison is this…sweat lodges peace pipes and cooking? what happend to the prisons of old…I want someone to go OZ all over bernie.
@9 i’m way too pretty for that shit.
-berner
it’s 10am and counting and i’ve yet to receive my breakfast sandwich. not happy.
-big b
Meep Meep Meep
MEATBONER
MEEP MEEP MEEP
@11 nice
Sounds like they sent him to summer camp by mistake. Or he did that shit from idiocracy “uhh I’m actually supposed to be getting out of prison today…”
I thought I had it down to two and then the Haitians made this beautiful pitch…
@9 – I assume you mean the pre-”aging pill” OZ? Like season one? In which case, I agree.
@16 naturally
8,
http://pro.corbis.com/images/BE028330.jpg?size=67&uid=7537DD00-C44F-403B-AEC7-72E50BB4C662
Do they allow conjugal visits?
-BF
Too bad Bernie wasn’t sentenced in Scotland. With his medical condition, they’d have to let him go.
The last paragraph convinced me…
Bernie = George Bluth
“I feel like the prettiest girl at the ball!”
@9. It’s a medium and low security prison wherein you find such hard core OZ characters as the Adelphia founder, a former Rite Aid Vice Chair, a cunning Prof of Economics, and an intelligence analyst cum jewspy.
Truly a dangerous place.
suck it bernie
bare chested means he wasn’t wearing a shirt, not that he shaved his chest. Nice try though.
@24 wrong, nice try though.
Bernie Madoff is dying of cancer….the scottish government has called for his immediate release.
Bernie Madoff is dying of cancer….the scottish government has called for his immediate release.
@15, great quote. No touching!
Doing the ghost dance, sharing recipes. Well, at least he went to jail, and didn’t pass peacefully while napping in Aspen. Still, so worth it.
http://z.hubpages.com/u/1249178_f520.jpg
@25 waxes big b’s chest. I know because there is nothing in the article that says bernie waxes or shaves his chest and because I know how to look up the meaning of a phrase so I don’t look like an ignorant d-bag on the internet.
@31 you’re god damn right I wax his chest. also, blow me.
-25
@31 why do you say “@25 waxes big b’s chest” like it’s a bad thing?
@31 actually, “barechested” can also refer to a chest without hair, not just a man without his shirt on. but kudos for not being an ignorant dbag on the internet.