You probably didn’t realize it at the time, but on July 2, the world changed. It was on that afternoon, just after we’d slapped up a picture of Amanda Drury sporting aggressive amounts of cleave, that a Dealbreaker reader asked, “you think they’re big enough to TF? Looks like she might need to use the hand bridge.” Though he was posting under “guest,” his name was NakedShort, and he’d just injected the HB into Dealbreaker vernacular. Then, several weeks later, as we discussed the abomination that was FashionMeetsFinance, and the scandal taking place re: its guest list, another one of your own RSVP’ed to the event listing his company as Handbridge Capital. Today, Naked took it on home. The above image is currently being tweaked (the T’s will be slightly smaller, as they currently do not require an HB to TF, and we strive for accuracy above all things), but it will be up for grabs very soon, possibly as early as tomorrow. But first we need a tagline, and we need you to give it to us. Do your worst.
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I love this site.
The Harder You Squeeze, the Better the Return
Handbridge Capital – We keep your assets liquid.
Handbridge Capital provides a healthy liquidity stream.
HC – IN YOUR FACE!
HB Capital: Let’s Rub One Out
an event driven fund
LMFAO
Keep your growth assets on the right course.
“Securely Bridging Your Liquidity Gap”
~The Joke Briefer
Handbridge Capital – The trick in a short squeeze is to be long.
The key to getting through a short squeeze is being long.
Position is everything.
Not your normal distribution.
Two tits in hand is worth more than one in the bush.
Put your assets in our hands
Handbridge Capital: We Make Lemons Into Lemonade.
Handbridge Capital: We Enhance Your Assets
Handbridge Capital: The Harder You Squeeze, the Better the Return
-41 on previous thread.
@8 and @9: genius!
Ro-bust Returns
We’ll Rub You the Right Way
structuring your assets for guaranteed returns
BRAVO JOKE BRIEFER BRAVO
WE MISSED YOU!
Handbridge Capital: If you’re not careful, you’re going to put an eye out!
Cup my breasts and milk my balls!
MW
we milk our investors
Structured Investments, Explosive Returns
Providing a firm overview of deep fundamental research
comment removed by moderator
Together We’ll Go Far
Naked, re: design,
I was thinking more along the lines of this:
http://imjustcreative.com/wp-content/uploads/inappropriate-religious-logo-better.jpg
Abstract enough you don’t realize it right away but obviously fucked. Like, the hands would look like an actual bridge, the tits like the arches until one looks closer.
I don’t really want to walk down the street with tits on me that everyone and their mother can see from a block away.
Besides, such obvious tits-on-tits irony will catch on with the female hipster crowd, though, if you wanted to turn it into a whole series poking fun at wall street I’m sure you’d make some decent money.
-14 from the other thread
HB Cap- Strategically Positioned
Bridging the gap to the point of no return …
push huppies
@27 Here’s an idea: Why don’t you just make it look like McDonald’s Golden Arches instead of female anatomy and then you could call it a Happy Meal
Handbridge: beating the high water mark
A stream that will keep you liquid.
BlackPoint
For the trade: “2-and-20 never felt so good.”
For the pitch book: “You’re gonna like the way you look. I promise.”
Tits and money, gimmee sumadat!
CG
Besides, the whole detailed sketch combined with the bold font just doesn’t work.
And no, I am not gay. It’s just that I am a perfectionist when it comes to tits, and, given that this crowd will molest any tit with its nipples still intact, I feel it important to uphold some standards.
-27
P.S.
Handbridge Capital: There are worse ways to lose your life savings.
Handbridge Capital: something witty about protecting your assets even in a u-shaped recession.
Handbridge- Making mountains out of molehills
Handbridge- Always in the groove
Handbridge- Well hedged against inflation
Handbridge- A division of Whiteneck Corp.
Handbridge- Our returns never sag
Coming together for better returns
Handbridge Capital: Two-Bagger Returns or Bust(ed).
Handbridge Capital – Our Logo Looks Like Tits
Handbridge Capital – Delivering unabridged liquidity and happy endings to our customers for 20 glorious years.
Handbridge Capital – Where Going Tango Upsilon Can be a Good Thing
@30. How bout you piss up a rope. I’ve been doing nothing but drinking and watching my secretary’s tits bounce around since lunch so my remarks are quite qualified and relevant. I’ve put a lot of thought into this. I even worked up a spreadsheet if you’d like to see it.
Handbridge Capital – Reinventing the carry trade
Handbridge Capital – There is liquidity all over the place after periods of high volatility
@8 is the winner and it isn’t close.
No load. Just kidding.
Tits? Tits are for poofs.
Dennis Kneale
@45. Pretty much but 36s whiteneck is not bad.
@46 – that made me laugh.
Brett Favre has your back, and front.
@46. pretty good.
Handbridge Capital: We squeeze to please.
First the straddle, then the strangle.
- Albert DeSalvo.
For the biggest upside of your life
Up to our neck in liquid capital.
Handbridge Capital – We keep you in the UES on $2.5 million
Handbridge Capital – An offshoot of SAC Capital
Handbridge – we won’t fuck you, but you can fuck us
Balls.
Balls in your mouth.
Set your own watermark
57,
Steve doesn’t blow loads…he blows lines, son.
Vinny Gobstopper
Ice Rink Management, Co.
Hormone-free traders since 2007
Hndbridge Capital: The Pearl Necklace in your portfolio
Would someone find a way to combine trannys, traders/managers who gobble up the tranny dick, and the fake vs. real handbridge? Thanks.
Securely Managed Assets
Even bigger than Bernie’s cock
“Delivering Junk Yields on A-Rated Instruments”
-ExcessEC
Helping SmallCaps finish in the money(shot) since the invention of hands
Giving pearl necklaces to all A and B class holders
If you’re looking for traction in the asset valley, handbridge is your solution
Reach for HB when HJ just won’t do.
Handbridge Capital: Tactically injecting liquidity across triple A through triple B.
-Dobber
i went looking for inspiration at the big johnson store but sadly the ‘finance’ topic seems to be missing
@67 are you talking about the shirt or the HBC steepener trade?
What are first year HandCap numbers?
We provide leverage to outsize those small returns
The Evolution of Bridge Financing……….
“Handbridge- A division of Whiteneck Corp.”
This is genius.
Handbridge Capital
0 Risk – Feel safe to blow it all in one place.
Handbridge Capital: Focused on Silicon Valley.
Finding alpha by turning betas into deltas
@ 73
58k median, 20k bottom, 100 top tier (although I think they’re lying and your girlfriend doesn’t even enjoy that much money anyway)
Handbridge Capital – Pushing together toward success.
Handbridge Capital – Promising white hot returns up to your ears
“You and US”
or
“Put it between the bags”
@83- I like “put it between the bags”
-amanda d
Returns like love come in spurts
Returns like love come in spurts
Returns like love come in spurts
85-87: those all suck.
Dennis Kneale won’t touch these
Edit as necessary but this is what passes for brainstorming on MetroNorth with 2 beers.
Handbridge -
Navigating the market’s peaks and valleys for our clients.
The boobs may be fake but the returns are real.
What we lack in boobs, we make up for in returns.
Rewarding results for our clients at our fingertips.
Amazing client returns are within our grasp.
- Fixed Income
Handbridge Capital: ‘You’re the one that will need the TARP, not us”
@91 not true. the chick in the picture is a handbridge cap employee. the investor is the one with his d between her b’s. ergo, he will be the one shooting his load, and she’ll need a TARP lest she get shot in the eye.
@93 dont taint this with talk of that slut.
Handbridge Capital: “Exploiting ratings divergence opportunities with synthetic ‘credit enhancement’”
Handbridge Capital – We’ll carry your load for you
Handbridge Capital – Guaranteed to go tits up
Handbrigde Capital: Our palms don’t have nipple imprints for nothing, come slide in with us.
Handbridge Capital – Deploy your capital in a controlled fashion
The situation is fluid
HC – Helping you delta until you vega on our beta.
HC – Helping Christ make bank.
@100 – Nice. Simple. Perfect. Second only to my favorite:
“No load. Just kidding.”
Both very Hemmingway.
Handbridge Capital – We’ve never “Madoff” with more than 2 and 20 and the occasional pearl necklace.
“the situation is fluid” is pretty perfect, as it make sense, and also is a good insidery joke about gasparino.
1st yr HandCap numbers (3 buckets):
36-24-36
EDIT — only if she’s 5’3″
@Naked – had enough yet? This has the potential to get seriously out of hand – in a good way, of course.
gay to play
with HC you never need a bail-out
Fuck the alpha – have some smegma.
You ain’t never seen capital deployed like this!
Handbridge – earning the right to be our customer’s first choice for facials, one load at a time.
- Fixed Income
Bringing things closer together
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. That chinchilla hiding in a blue muumuu is really not “aggressive amounts of cleave.” Call me when she’s gassed up those funbags.
Using our structure to secure your growth.
@114, uh, for a business network, yeah, that is a aggressive amts of cleave. idiot.
Handbridge a district of CHESTER in England – so hilarious!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handbridge
Accessing liquidity in shallow valleys
Bridging the gap to provide you with superior returns
Finding creative ways to leverage our assets
Ensuring relief between peaks
Sometimes you need a helping hand to realize maximum returns
Optimum realization from small cap funds
A safe place to park your…capital.
@119 – let me edit, please:
A safe place to pork your capital.
Has Tax Chick joined in the fray at all or is she taking the moral high ground on this one?
Handbridge Capital: The only true portfolio of pearls outside of Silicon Valley
-Dobber
Handbridge Capital (Bank Debt Desk): Specializing in flex-up deals with minimal coverage
Handbridge Capital – Put your Spank in our Bank
@117 – it used to be called Royal Handbridge. Now wouldn’t that be something.
@125 ewwwww
HC – Put your Mittens on our Sweater Kittens
Handling Fluid Situations for over 150 years.
-the guy from Detroit
It’s all about the MAYO!
@124 That’s spunk. You spank til you spunk.
You’re gonna love my nuts!
Hey, check out what Bloomberg is doing from 10am to noon, along with Margaret Brennan and Donohoe it’s turning into an arms race!
@132 STFU. We’re talking about handbridges and tittyfucking.
@14
Put your hands in our assets
#46 is by far the best
If you guys get fleeces, I’m jumping ship.
-steve c
Handbridge Capital – Enhanced Natural Resource instrument
We achieve PEAK returns while avoiding the CREV-ASSES
Handbridge Capital.
Our business strategy is kind of like pushing two small- to medium-sized breasts close enough together that you can interlock your fingers, then moving one’s penis back and forth below those interlocked fingers, thus increasing the friction between penis and breasts. And then you blow a gigantic load on her face. Financially.
handbridge capital – a light pool liquidity provider
Handbridge Capital: Maximizing returns on sub-prime assets
Handbridge Capital: Optimizing your returns, utilizing sub-prime asset concentration.
R.Go
HC – for when she thought YAZ was a stock
Wow. Just Wow. I am in the presence of greatness this evening.
This why my initial idear (to sound like A. Drury)
(ATMTTFWHB)²
FTW!
But centered obviously, keep in mind I thought the tag line on the back would be one to two lines TOPS.
@27 fuck you. are so funny, not at all!
The Guy Who May Have Messed Up The Punctuation On That Comment
@46 naiiiiled it.
Get your fat tail over here.
HandBridge, formerly known as Boobin & Smegma, now a wholly-owned subsidiary of JO&C Merkin
Handbridge Capital – Providing Liquidity From Leveraged Assets
@ 148 – nice
“Where A is junk and investment grade starts at C”
HBC: divesting your personal assets further
I have run out of wine ……….. fuck it. Me FTW.
R.Go
inspired by 150
‘Double A rated assets into a synthetic C tranche’
We’re always pushing to secure your assets
-Handbridge Cap’s auditor
HBC… Where the ultimate fluid liquidity lies between the markets peaks and valleys.
– The Cats Ass
Make adjustments not excuses
B an L
They will always find a way to ripp off people. This sums it up well:
“Capitalism is not fair particularly when humans and institutions intervene. Take the rule of cash for your old cars. Well people find loopholes, and the get cash paid for by the taxpayer (U and I). The only way to get “even” is to profit like sharks are doing. If you dot not do a thing, then it means you are paying for the car of a next guy. I like loopholes, and easy money. U?
http://cashforclunkerseligibility.blogspot.com/
I still enjoy “Structured Investments, Explosive Returns.”
Subtle, concise, accurate.
“No Load. Just Kidding.” is solid too but sounds a tad more vulgar if you’re wearing it to a midtown gym, for instance.
“Yield enhancement the old-fashioned way”
Keeping Abreast of the Action
Some more:
Trading In Treasury Securities
or
Totally In Treasury Securities
So far, I’m voting:
Structured Assets. Explosive Returns.
–or–
Put Your Capital Where it Belongs
DB is the best site in the world, bar none.
“We believe the key reason for our success is our policy to not hire CFAs, MBAs or Ph.Ds”
Let me offer one humble comment for judging this- the tagline needs to specifically allude to use of a HB during TF. Thus, for example, while funny #46 is not the best (“No Load. Just Kidding.”) as this could just as well refer to BJ Capital, AF Corp., Facial Family of Funds, and Bukake Investments.
“We drive returns, structure creative ways to deploy your capital and arm wrestle. Its what we love to do, its what we do best”
#152, epic ..
“We’re there when it counts.”
@139 – awesome. Obviously not going to win, but it’s awesome.
Handbridge Capital.
Because beggars can’t be choosers.
SBII:
“We’re there when it _really_ counts.”
Always there to lend a helping hand.
Beta an Leverage on our Thetas
“Where we’re going we dont need roads”
137 here, I thought about it some more:
Handbridge Capital – Long play on Enhanced Ausie Resources
Maybe with a subtle ausie flag behind the main graphic.
@naked – well played. you are forever etched in DB history…now for your tagline. agree it should be no longer than 2 lines, one line probably better. with that as starting point:
HC – put your world in our hands
or
HC – we’re the better hands people
When times are hard, we’re there to lend a helping hand.
Handbridge Capital. It’s the result that matters.
A Leveraged Long Strategy in Small Caps.
HC: Too hard to fail.
“You’re in good hand”
–Winner.
@Naked: You are a genius. And a wonderful, wonderful man. Did you friend who drew this use Muffie Benson-Perella as the model?
I hear they’ve already raised 36C in funding.
How about this one? Keep in mind this is an actual quote and if it makes the shirt maybe we can fire one of to J. Dimon:
“The wise man bridges the gap by laying out the path by means of which he can get from where he is to where he wants to go.”
-John Pierpont Morgan
We work hard so you don’t have to.
@172
Nice.
i love this site. my first stop in the morning.
@NS: great quote. Except, alas, it isn’t the man of course doing the bridging here.
Maybe:
“The wise woman bridges her gap by laying out the path by means of which her man can get from where he is to where he wants to go.”
–(with apologies to) J. Pierpont Morgan
Handbridge (Venture) Capital: “Specialists in taking A & B rounds to C & D”
My further edit:
“The wise woman bridges her gap by laying out the path by means of which her man can get from where he is to where he wants to blow.”
–(with apologies to) J. Pierpont Morgan
Ask about our high frequency strategies
Handbridge Capital – Structured leverage that funnels emerging market liquidity into our portfolio.
Handbridge Capital – We’re the stable platform you need to rise to success.
HB Capital: “Helping You Come out of the Peaks and Troughs Head First”
“We’re going to talk to you like a child…if you understand what we’re saying, just say ‘yeah.’”
Handbridge Capital: In good times and bad, we take it on the chin.
@189
Nice!
Structured Assets; Explosive Returns
FTW
Leveraged assets – Satisfied Clients
As seen on CNBC’s Squawk on the Street with Erin Burnett.
HC – Mind the Gap
“64% of the time we beat a sloppy vajayjay everytime”
“Bridge loans to bridged loads”
“Your Investment Package is Safe in Our Hands”
or
“Your Family Jewels are Safe in Our Hands”
or
“Increasing Family Jewels, One Hand at a Time”
or
“Your Bridge to Success is in Our Hands”
How will you know who submiited the winning tag…so we can pick up the free t-shirt? 1st 3 #’s of cell are 699 for reference
@202 Hey Fucko, I invented the t shirt do you think I am asking for anything for free? The fact that you will be a part of something truly legendary should be sufficient.
HB Capital: Bridging the Liquidity Gap.
I hereby nominate this thread for the DB Thread Hall of Fame. Epic.
Guaranteed Deposits.
@189: Even better.
@205: seconded
and @Bess/NS: How about we narrow this down? Pick the top 5 or 10 out of this explosive load of contributions and let’s really nail this down.
First!
Structuring B-Rated Assets for Enhanced Liquidity.
Lockup required. Situation is fluid.
Handbridge Capital – “Now with three attractive locations to deposit your liquid assets”
Handbridge Capital – Giving our investors happy endings since 1992.
@209- or just make that “Structuring Investment-Grade Assets for Enhanced Liquidity”
Laying the Foundation…
#182, I literally burst out laughing …
This post certainly blew the fuck up in epicness.
Handbridge Capital- Proud to be a Pyramid Scheme.
We take liquidity seriously.
We take liquidity… seriously.
@213 I think “structuring B-rated assets” works better because there’s no such cup size as BBB , the AD twins look like B’s, anything bigger than a B probably doesn’t need a handbridge, and anything smaller is a single landmass so unbridgeable.
That phrase perfectly captures the concept of a handbridge, and it makes sense from a financial perspective.
“Enhanced liquidity” is just one of many directions one could go with the sexual stimulation aspect of the joke.
-209
1. Building bridges for our clients since 2009.
2. Accepting long and short strategies since 2009.
3. Go long under our bridge, you won’t regret it.
4. Handbridge Capital, keeping you liquid during the red tide.
5. Handbridge Capital, because you’re not allowed downstairs.
@216- nice.
HC – Willing to get our hands dirty when facing sub-prime assets.
HC- Using synergies to enhance our assets
A take on Prudential’s “The face you can trust” ad campaign.
HC: The face you can trust… with your deposit.
Handbridge Capital – Why settle for a stock-jockey, when you can get a tit-jockey instead ?
HC- Using the madoff-weinstein asset enhancement model
“Bridging the Gap – to your Satisfaction”
-2Stop
net long to gross short…we don’t discriminate!
We make money the old fashioned way. We EARN it!
HCP: Reward yourself
We work hard for the money
Your deposits are HBC insured
Put your hard earned seed capital in our HCP Liquid Assets Opportunities Fund
Offering guaranteed returns in the valleys between every portfolio’s peaks
Invest your seed capital in our HCP Liquid Assets Opportunities Fund
The Best so far:
- Guaranteed Deposits.
- No load. Just kidding.
- We take liquidity… seriously.
- Position is everything.
- Lockup required. Situation is fluid.
- An event driven fund
- Now with three attractive locations to deposit your liquid assets
- The key to getting through a short squeeze is being long.
Put your hard earned seed capital in our HBC Liquid Assets Opportunities Fund
Offering guaranteed returns in the valleys between every portfolio’s peaks
Invest your seed capital in our HBC Liquid Assets Opportunities Fund
Put your hard earned seed capital in our HBC Liquid Assets Opportunities Fund
Offering guaranteed returns in the valleys between every portfolio’s peaks
Invest your seed capital in our HBC Liquid Assets Opportunities Fund
@172 Nice.
What about “Stimulating your Delta with our Thetas”
@139 FTW!
turn your small nut into a large wad
We bridge the capital gaps and squeeze the last drop of returns out the long term holdings. Please put your hard earned asset into the only secure, warn and personal service available.
Handbridge Capital LLC.
Where your asset thrives.
We Keep the Returns Cumming.
Recieve Enhanced Yields Through Structured Natural Resources
Always on Top
Our Structures Deliver Enhanced Security and Superior Liquidity
Our Leverage Creates Juicy Returns
HC: Make the most of your assets
Handbridge capital, where every investor gets a pearl necklace.
HC: We put the investor on top.
HC – servicing hard assets
HC – Drinking your Milkshake
Covered Positions since Flash is Banned
“A hands-on approach to sub-prime assets”
AA
@246 – brilliant!
Graphic Logo (small):
http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/4789/handbridgelogopic3sm.jpg
Got Milk?
“Handbridge Capital. Unlike our competitors, we minimize spread.”
HC – I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day.
how is Kirk?