Jamie Dimon was recently interviewed on a whole slew of topics, the most pressing one being Obama’s supposed hard-on for the guy, fueled by the media. Our favorite Boy Toy CEO stressed that he barely knows the President, and certainly not in the biblical sense, and in response to the query, “Are you Obama’s favorite banker?” which we all know is the god damn truth, JD answered, “I’m not sure he has favorites.”
This, of course, was a lie,* uttered for a couple reasons. The first is that it was a terrible question. Even if James wanted to answer “fuck hell yeah,” or “yeah man, he’s my number one fan– worships daily at The Church of JD,” Dimon’s not going to come out and say it (and he didn’t have to, thanks to being teed with such an easily evaded query). It’d make Lloyd’s blood boil, and obviously things are easier on him if he doesn’t have the general public thinking he’s got Obama wrapped around his finger. Maybe, we could’ve gotten there eventually, if the interviewer had used a little thing I like to call finesse. Maybe, next time, he’ll ease into that shit slowly, with more subtle but leading Q’s like:
“Do you get the impression Obama thinks about you when he’s doing his wife?” “Do you suspect he’s pressing Tim Geithner to enact Pantless CEO Fridays, a take-off on Hawaiian Shirt Day?” “Have you been told point blank that when he does karaoke to ‘Mickey,’ he swaps your name in so the line goes, ‘Oh Jamie your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind hey Jamie, hey, hey, hey Jamie’?” and “Does it weird you out that he’ll fill your entire voicemail with one message after the other like ‘Hey Jamie just checkin’ in, give me a ring,’ ‘Hey Jamie, I’m at a pay phone…pick up pick up pick up,’ ‘Hey James, I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah…has that ever happened to you? Anyway… call me, we’ll talk about it,’ and ‘Hey man. It’s me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later’?”
Maybe next time he won’t completely blow it.
Then again, the Dizzle is nothing if not sharp even with our superior line of questioning might not slip. ‘Cause the other reason he didn’t want to give the impression he and ‘Bama are tight? The jealous streak of someone who would not think twice about climbing into Jamie’s bedroom window and gutting him like a fish. Do not fuck with this bitch. Cross her and she’ll make you wish you were never born. I’m talking next level, Fatal Attraction type shit. Middle fingers won’t be the only thing missing when she’s done.
*In fairness, it’s not just the President. Everyone wants a piece of Jamie Dimon. You want a piece of Jamie Dimon and you don’t even know it.
I prefer ‘turgid’
tur·gid Pronunciation (tûrjd)
adj.
1. Swollen or distended, as from a fluid; bloated: a turgid breasts; turgid penis.
“Hey Sheryl, how do my acetate?”
@2 thanks, none of us knew what that word meant til you left the definition just now.
I’d hit it. Twice.
-BO
Can you blame BHO? I mean look at JD he may only be 5-8, but he’s 7 feet in my heart
It’s true, the president doesn’t have favorites. Except for favorite congressmen. he’s loved me ever since i performed ‘happy birthday mistah president.’
-barney
I’d like to have sex wit’ Jamie Dimon. But, you know, in a straight way.
-CG
Buck Turgidson
I got wood just thinking about him. I didn’t even think this thing worked anymore. What a world.
-ken lewis
His teeth look very European, no? I want to be European.
-Boss Hog
Everyone loves JD…everyone except JPM employees.
@1 tumescence is a noun and turgid is an adjective. it’s really not a matter of which you prefer.
I’m not sure JD was downplaying this. To say that BO’s tumescence is overblown could be taken to me that it’s really, really turgid.
@1 tumescence is a noun and turgid is an adjective. it’s really not a matter of which you prefer.
I’m not sure JD was downplaying this. To say that BO’s tumescence is overblown could be taken to me that it’s really, really turgid.
JD: This is a one-shot thing we got goin’ on here.
BHO: It’s nobody’s business but ours.
Speaking of being wrapped around fingers, what the hell is up with Dykstra’s forefinger on his right hand? Its hacked off, or something.
@13/14- with the added word (perceived tumescence), it makes sense.
-erection expert
This is true. I told Jamie from the start that if he ever cheated on me I’d cut his dick off.
-Rahm
Speaking of Rahmbo, did you know that the middle finger on his right hand is hacked off?
-Pfluger
jesus bess, are you fucking him or something? what a BJ of a post.
I think I’m in love. (With Bess, or at least her writing, not J-to-the-D.) This is absolutely pitch-perfect, from the photos, to the title, the tags, and the body copy. Brava!
“plus if you’ve never been finger-banged by a guy half an index finger you don’t know what you’re missing”
oh, I have.
@22 Blarney you filthy whore!
Shit Beth, get your facts straight. Rahmbos index finger is NOT HACKED OFF. Its the middle finger, of his right hand.
Apparently, Dykstra’s right index finger is hacked off.
CG ought to do some fact checking here, for Christ sakes…
-Pfluger
My tumescence is indeed negligible, but Sheryl still perceived it. Vidi, vici, veni.
That’s more like it, Beth. I mean Bess.
so jd says obama doesn’t have favorites and after going through the bess machine we get the background story that JD’s said it because he’s scared of possessive lover rahm emanuel climing into his bedroom and cutting off his dick out of jealousy? did I get that straight?
@27 yes you got that exactly right.
Levin you are one crazy bitch
@20 is right. This post was pure baby-making. I feel like I just watched Bess and JC explore each other’s bodies and, needless to say, I am extremely turned on right now. I need to walk this situation off.
And by JC I mean JD. You old Carney posters are messing with my head.
-30
@30 so you’re saying you had no problem with it, yes?
@25 – but did she also say “Vidi”?
@25 – but did she also say “Veni”?
@33 No.
@34 Yes.
The real joke was Barry blow drying his hair.
Hey, man, you don’t talk to Jamie D. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…