dykstratwizzlers.jpgThat’s what he’s telling Jane Wells, anyway. Last night being one of his “sleep days,” LD says he stayed in the lobby of a Westwood hotel. Why isn’t L-Dykes chilling in the mansion he’s been temporarily allowed to stay in after filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Apparently his house is uninhabitable. And why would that be? Because our favorite ball player is a smarter than any of you have ever given him credit for, and in a fit of genius one night decided to tear through the place with a bat and a pair of pliers, ripping up floors and doing god knows what with toilets, in an attempt to get insurers to hand over $10 million. I just want you to take a moment and visualize what the scene that resulted in the following was like:

Dykstra says the main house, the one he bought from Gretzky, is riddled with water damage which Dykstra estimates will cost $10 million to repair. The palatial estate is pockmarked with torn up flooring, holes in walls, missing toilets, as inspectors have tried to determine the extent of the problem. Dykstra is also demanding the insurance company make good on its policy to put him up in a temporary residence because he says the house is now unlivable. “I don’t mean to be crude,” he says, “but where do they expect me to (go to the bathroom)?”

Of course, it wouldn’t kill Jim Cramer to make some space for the guy, or at least free up an outhouse, considering his financial troubles are all JC’s fault, but I guess that’d be too much to ask.

220 comments (hidden for your protection)
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Comments (220)

  1. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:47 AM

    $10 million in damages? I’m thinking you could almost rebuild for $10 million.

  2. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:54 AM

    he looks so regal in that pic

  3. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:55 AM

    one of the greats.
    -jc

  4. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:56 AM

    Does anyone else get the vibe that we are in the Apocalypse when baseball players offer financial advice and disgruntled investors write sexual tell all books? More importantly, how will these things affect my positions?

  5. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:56 AM

    are those twizzlers???

  6. Posted by Seaman Bodine II | August 25, 2009 at 10:56 AM

    I can’t wait for Michael Vick to launch his PE firm.

  7. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:57 AM

    Somebody has got to find out what he did to those toilets.

  8. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:57 AM

    @4 he’s not offering investment advice anymore.

  9. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 10:58 AM

    @7 you dont want to know.
    -LD

  10. Posted by Seaman Bodine II | August 25, 2009 at 11:00 AM

    It would be very cool, though, if Donald Trump put Nails on his next reality TV show, Celebrity RIA.
    Dysktra Long Only Asset Allocation
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  11. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:00 AM

    @8 – He said ‘Financial’ not ‘Investment’…if you’re going to be a douche at least attend to your details.
    …and SW isn’t ‘writing her book anymore’ either. You = UBS.

  12. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:00 AM

    Cramer: Guys like us that work on ranches are the loneliest guys in the world. They ain’t got no family and they don’t belong no place. They got nothin’ to look ahead to…
    Lenny: But not us Cramer. Tell about us.
    Cramer: …well, we ain’t like that Lenny. We got a future. We got somebody to talk to that gives a damn about us. If them other guys gets in jail they can rot for all anybody cares.
    Lenny: But not us, Cramer, because I… see, I got you to look after me, but you got me to look after you.

  13. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:00 AM

    I hate to change browsers, but to comment on this is worth it.
    Bess, your title and the tag are the funniest things I’ve read in the last 24 hours. Keep it up!
    Now get your IT guy to fix the comments input for firefox.
    I’m on a mac.

  14. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    @7 no shit

  15. Posted by Prime Brokerage Dude | August 25, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    Those twizzlers never get old !

  16. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:02 AM

    Hey – it’s the Big Lar creams his jeans hour! The Druries are better today, although sort of back to uni-boobish.
    CNBC must have imposed a dress code on her with respect to The Cleave.
    Free the Druries! Free the Druries!

  17. Posted by Perkins Maxwell | August 25, 2009 at 11:03 AM

    Bess–why’s he talking to Jane Wells and not to YOU?

  18. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:06 AM

    @perkins– ive had enough assholes ripped.
    -LD

  19. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:08 AM

    Cramer: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lenny.
    Lenster: What?
    Jimbo: I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.
    Lennarama: What’s that make us?
    Jimmy: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

  20. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    @5 “are those twizzlers??”
    no, they’re candy flavored dildos.
    -sw

  21. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:14 AM

    @20 fuck you whore

  22. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:14 AM

    Guys, giving my first interview tomorrow and will be sitting down with some kid whose looking to join as an assoc. (which i am) at my pe shop.
    I need to ask a few absurd questions…got any good ones to add to my arsenal?

  23. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:16 AM

    @22 how much attention do you think should be paid to the scrot during oral sex? just a nuzzle or full out in the mouth?

  24. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:16 AM

    Lenny Dykstra. I’d molest that.
    Dennis Kneale

  25. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    @22 chick or dick?

  26. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    @22, try this: If you could be a Power Ranger, which one would you be?

  27. Posted by turd_ferguson | August 25, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    I have odds on Nails new tell all book about intimate affairs with JC. He will also go down the it was very small and thin but I did climax road.

  28. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:21 AM

    @22 – how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

  29. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:22 AM

    @22 – at what cup size does a handbridge become unnecessary?

  30. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:23 AM

    @22 – ask them to give you the angle of the hands on their watch.

  31. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:23 AM

    @22, 26 here, and when you ask this, make sure to wince when he/she answers and furiously write some notes down.

  32. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:23 AM

    22 – try: “Is it inWestor or inVestor?”?

  33. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:24 AM

    @22 can wear the scream mask, when I do you from behind? the mask from scream?

  34. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:25 AM

    @22: Here’s some…..
    1. An associate is rummaging around a managing director’s desk one night and finds a million dollars in $20 bills. What should he do?
    Answer: “Credit sales, debit cash.”
    2. What is the square root of 37,000?
    Answer: “192.35, asshole.”
    3. You get laid off as a trader and have to explain why to a potential new employer in an interview. What is the best excuse for such an event?
    Answer: “I made $175 million for my desk last year but my boss said it was a $400 million market, so he laid me off.”
    4. Ask the potential associate this question in reverse role-playing: OK associate, my colleague Jack and I had a bad year. You, Mr. Associate have to reduce the headcount. Do you lay me or Jack off?
    Answer: (Subjective…….)

  35. Posted by Perkins Maxwell | August 25, 2009 at 11:33 AM

    @18: actually Nails is into pain. He’d love to be Bess’ little bitch.

  36. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:35 AM

    @22 -
    Erin Burnett, Becky Quick, or Mandy Drury. You have to f*#k one, marry one, and kill one. Go!
    Lightning round:
    BofA or Wachovia?
    Ruth Madoff or Sheryl Weinstein?
    Ken Lewis or Vikram Pandit?
    Pool party with Barney Frank or
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    Vending machine or Subway challenge?
    Having drinks and meatballs with C-Gas or mudwrestling with Meredith Whitney?

  37. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:36 AM

    22 here.
    this is good stuff. keep them coming. might make the interview full of these questions, actually.
    -Long time reader, second-time poster

  38. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:37 AM

    CNBC – Bald guys and hot chicks. All day.

  39. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:38 AM

    Dear Lenny,
    Sorry to hear about the house man – bummer. However, I can’t let you stay with me again. You kinda made everyone feel nervous and weird what with you walking around in your jockstrap and all. Buddy you gotta ease up on the Hubba Bubba and Redman, and you still owe me for that case of Lancers you drank. I guess if you gotta take a dump you can come by – just don’t leave a high floater like last time – that was nasty.
    Your Pal,
    Jimmy

  40. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    @22- why not turn the tables and ask him to come up with an absurd interview question. Everyone is ready to answer how many dishes are in the US, but not too many are preprogrammed to come up with their own questions on the spot.

  41. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:47 AM

    Bernie is so small (“How small is he?”), his dick can fuck a Twizzler!
    -sw

  42. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:50 AM

    @22
    Tell him to assign each letter of the alphabet a number in the following manner: A=26, B=25, C=24, etc. Then give him one minute to name as many synonyms for “sad” whose sum numerical value is 107 as he can.

  43. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:51 AM

    @22 “cfa or mba”

  44. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 11:53 AM

    @22 – if you had worked for Bernie and found out about the Ponzi scheme, would you have kept quiet, ratted him out or squeezed him for a piece of it?

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  47. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 12:12 PM

    Lennie said, “George.”
    “Yeah?”
    “I done another bad thing.”

  48. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 12:17 PM

    I feel for dis guy. He coulda been a contendah, like me.
    CG

  49. Posted by EvilBuzzard | August 25, 2009 at 12:37 PM

    To quote Shekky Green. “Lenny came from a broken family. Too bad he broke most of it himself.”

  50. Posted by guest | August 25, 2009 at 3:01 PM

    Ya see this? See this here? Instead of buying 100 shares of GE for $1300, i buy 10 call options and conrol 100 shares. All for $70.
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