How’d you like to get this on your “360 Review?”:
Citigroup “did not manage its business in such a manner as to provide the level of service and security necessary for any security broker and the plaintiff to attract and/or retain clients,” he wrote. The bank was “unstable, mismanaged and not a secure place for” his clients, “as can be seen from the value of defendant’s stock today.”
Ah, hindsight is 20-20. Nay?
Sure, this missive issued from a member of the Plaintiff’s bar, but you just have to like an article that manages to cut Castle Vikula’s supply line, lay a devastating siege and begin tunneling under the north wall all in about three sentences.
Nice.
Citigroup Sued Over Signing-Bonus Loans by Broker [Bloomberg]
“For the month of July, Greenlight Capital Qualified, L.P. returned 3.3% (net). Greenlight Capital Qualified, L.P. has returned 23.7% for the year-to-date. The partnership is approximately 87% long and 57% short.”
Earlier: Performance Stats: The Greenlight Unit
That’s what his former secretary, Liza Minelli doppelgänger Eleanor Squillari seems to be implying! When asked about the matter of her boss getting down with Sheryl Weinstein, whose upcoming book promises an “intimate” look at the Madoff package, the administrative assistant recalled that “Weinstein would often call Madoff and that he would roll his eyes and then they would go and meet at a hotel.” Meouch bitch. And yet: nice try. But we’re not fooled, sister. Conclusive evidenced is yet to prove whether or not Bernie was doing Sheryl out of charity, but I got the distinct impression during her interview with Vanity Fair that Liza wanted a piece of Big B herself, despite attempts to convince us that she wasn’t into the on-the-job ass grabbing, and girlfriend is just jealous. Of course, the only way to settle this is an in-depth account of every single one of his sexploits over the last 100 years, up to and including whatever tail is currently being slayed on the inside.
Don’t spend it all in one place my transvestite beauts.
SAC Capital International:
July 2009: 1.64%
YTD: 18.26%
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As previously mentioned, the specimen at at left is set to be described in “intimate detail” in an upcoming tell-all all by Sheryl Weinstein, a Madoff investor who alleges she got freaky with the big man. There will also be photographs. And, as a promotional tie-in, the release of a possible sex tape, distributed by Andrew Madoff’s production company. Since odds are most of you have taken a little bit or a lot a bit of time already to think about it, what do we think we can expect, specs-wise? Obviously the sweatpants seem to indicate a pretty decently sized appendage but perhaps B-boy was stuffing? And in terms of grooming– serious manscaping or a brillow pad that could rival even the most notoriously overgrown cock-bushes?
Now that summer internships are coming to an end and it’s time to go back to b-school, the crew from the Daily Show checked in with some recession dodgers at Harvard and MIT to find out if they’ve had a chance yet to reflect and fully embrace the MBA Oath. The results are stunning.
Being married to the (Hebrew) mob clearly has its benefits but where it’s a real buzz kill is in the getting shitfaced in public department. It’s more or less frowned upon, particularly if your husb is high-profile enough for the scene to get press. All the Mrs. Goldman girls in the house know what I’m talking about. Sometimes you just wanna get hammered in front of an audience and act out, for whatever reason, but can’t because you know once Lloyd gets wind of it he’s going to come down on your ass with an earful about not attracting negative attention that could later contribute to little pissant journalists writing salacious and baseless lies about the firm and its inability to blow less than a .85 on random breathalyzer tests, copy that should be reserved for bitches o’ Bank of America. The relentless harping to “make ‘em virgins ladies” and the persistent fear LB’s gonna grab you by the elbow and escort you out of the room, then hose you down like a junkie if he smells even a hint of booze on your breath would explain why certain wives have resorted to simply acting like miserable shrews sober. So it’s only natural that once you’re the outside, ’cause your man quit or got fired, you’d want to suck in the freedom that is getting loaded and charged with DWI’s without judgment, and that look, above, which is LB’s “What do you think this is, a god damn halfway house, ya fuckin drunk? I’m not happy and there’ll be hell to pay” face.
IT’S been a rough year for Ray and Jane Iwanowski. The couple was flying high last year, with Ray, 42, running the Global Alpha hedge fund for Goldman Sachs. In September, they bought a 4,184-square-foot, nine-room apartment at 823 Park Ave. for $13.5 million. But then, in March, Ray and his partner Mark Carhart both retired from Goldman, having suffered investment losses and client redemptions which brought the fund’s assets down from $12 billion in 2007 to $2.5 billion. And on July 26, Jane, 48, was arrested in East Hampton on a misdemeanor charge of DWI after driving her 2003 BMW into a tree near the Iwanowskis’ nearby house.
Madoff Had Affair With Ex-Hadassah Finance Chief, Her Book Says (Bloomberg)
Did Bernie Madoff run around on Ruth? The girls who dispensed In addition to the massage parlor handies aren’t talking but some lady named Sheryl Weinstein, who’s writing a book, says yes. In addition to allegedly screwing Weinstein manually, Bernie-boy also ripped off her and her husband, Ronald, who were Madoff investors left with pretty much nothing. Bonus: the tell-all will supposedly include photographs, i.e. crotch shots of Big B.
Huge Bonus Hangs Over Pay Review (NYT)
So far the only thing Citi has come up with re: convincing the Compensation Cop that it should be allowed to pay Phibro trader Andrew Hall his $100 million bonus is that the contract was signed prior to the government announcing it’d be getting involved in this shit. This would be because everyone staffed with figuring out how to get Andy his clams is an unimaginative fuck. Treasury officials have apparently noted amongst themselves that they’d sooner give Vikram the go-ahead to build his $10 million zen garden than let Hall have his money.
Lehman Sues AIG For $9 Million In CDS Payments (Reuters)
Lehman alleges that AIG is using the bank’s failure as an excuse not to make payments, and that this violates U.S. bankruptcy law.
Citi hires external help to probe management (FT)
Naturally it was Sheila Bair and Co who required the C-izzle to pay Egon Zehnder to put on the rubber gloves and check out what Vikula’s got going on under the hood.
Apartments To Rent: $2 Billion (NYP)
“The bill, which is called the TARP for Main Street Act and was sponsored by House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank (D-Mass.) and Rep. Nydia Velazquez (D-Brooklyn and Manhattan), would use TARP funds that have been returned by banks and plow it into programs that, according to the bill, would create “sustainable financing” for the complexes as well as provide funding for property rehabilitation.”
John Paulson bets on BofA with 2% stake (FT)
How do you like Ken Lewis now, Ken Lewis wonders from a water hole down the road upon hearing the joyous news, before buying rounds for everyone and putting it on his “new friend in Connecticut.”
UBS and US Strike Tax Evasion Deal (FT)
5,000 names will probably be revealed. In addition to having the scarlet ‘T’ for tax evader and also Tim Geithner stamped on their chests, the clients will likely be forced to pay “a big fine.”
SEC Charges Coming For Pequot, Samberg (NYP)
Art intends “to defend the matter vigorously.”
University of Pennsylvania Endowment Beats Harvard With Stocks (Bloomberg)
Give it up for the Quakers, who managed to suck less than their Cambridge counterparts: “The Philadelphia university’s stocks outperformed market indexes, said Kristin Gilbertson, chief investment officer of the fund. Penn’s endowment fell 16 percent in the year ended June 30 to $5.2 billion, better than Harvard’s estimated 30 percent decline and the 26 percent loss for the Standard & Poor’s 500 Index, including dividends.”
Twelve hedge funds got an eye-catching lesson in semantics when their $4.2 million investment designated for an “integrated global community of trading partners” allegedly wound up being poured into porn and the construction of a swingers ranch. Milton (Todd) Ault 3rd, a Dean Witter and Prudential alumnus, apparently sought to invest some of the hedgie money in follow up projects to his firm’s, Zealous Inc., earlier cinematic masterpiece, a porn based on Sarah Palin.
“These hedge funds didn’t do their homework when they made their investment,” said Ault, adding that the funds have already recouped a chunk of the money…Last September, Ault merged Zealous into Adult Entertainment Capital Inc., a publicly traded firm that issued a press release about plans for a 140-acre East Coast project for the “fast-growing swingers lifestyle.”
Evidently plans for the sequel to Palin Erection 2008 are on hold for now.
Maybe it’s because more and more New Yorkers are using mass transit instead of driving. Or it could be payback for the Giants rolling past the Cowboys on the way to the Super Bowl a couple years ago. But whatever the reason is, Exxon is still on the hook for poisoning the Big Apple’s groundwater.
The trial concerns six wells, five of which New York says are poisoned with MTBE (methyl tertiary butyl ether), in and near the Jamaica area of the Borough of Queens. The city says it wants to build a water- treatment plant there called Station 6 that will treat 10 million gallons a day.
Exxon lawyers argued during the trial that the city doesn’t intend to build the water-treatment plant, and that the six wells were turned off and unusable because of contaminants other than MTBE.
Other contaminants? What other contaminants could possibly be in the crystalline waters off of Queens?
The groundwater contains pharmaceutical and human waste, dry-cleaning fluid from a company once located near the site, and 70,000 gallons of diesel fuel spill at a nearby bus depot
Well, at least there’s no dispute the water sample was authentic.
Exxon Loses Phase One of New York Groundwater Trial [Bloomberg]
