GM may not know how to design a car people want, but it does know a thing or two about bailout arbitrage. Before GM’s first ride on the bailout/bankruptcy merry-go-round, it agreed to try to spin off its German arm, Opel. Having missed out on the opportunity to get Opel fully involved in the bailout sweepstakes the first time around, GM looks set to make sure the US government gets stuck with part of the bill the second time.
General Motors is looking at shelving a German-backed bailout of its Opel European car arm amid growing fears that long-running talks on the deal will end in failure. The US carmaker and its advisers are studying a scenario that would see GM abandon the German plan and instead raise roughly €3bn ($4.3bn) of rescue funds for Opel and its British Vauxhall brand from the US and other European governments, including the UK and Spain.
Oh hell no. No cancer for Little B, apparently, and supposedly the Post story was “riddled with inaccuracies,” meaning Bernie may not in fact be treated to delicious wrap sandwiches on the reg, or making friends with the “homosexual posse” on the inside, or it’s that bit about the relationships being “strictly platonic” that’s a crock, or the part about him scoring the lead it Carousel. It’s all hugely distressing as we were quite pleased to learn this morning that Berns was spending his days getting high, being wined and dined, mixing it up some hard bodies and dancing like nobody’s watching. I don’t like the idea of taking away even one aspect of the picture we were painted but apparently we have to. So let’s get into this.
Be forewarned that your failures may be reported (copied and pasted) in venues other than Dealbreaker. When you puke on the desk, Times UK will be watching. When bow out after two fun size bag of chips with three hours to go, the Journal will be watching. And when you run to the men’s room, doubled over in pain, AndyRS will be watching. Of course, they’re probably not going to be as hard on you as us, but they will slip nasty little digs in about fear of a future financial system in your hands which I will not stand for. Only myself and your fellow readers are allowed to verbally abuse and defile you for being pussies, got it? Anyway, now that we know others are taking note, accept this as a sign it’s time to step it up and out of the box, perhaps this afternoon.
Ralph Cioffi, the manager in charge of the two ridiculously named Bear Stearns funds–High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Fund and High Grade Structured Credit Strategies Enhanced Leverage Fund– that bit the bullet in 2007 is set to take the stand October 12, along with this partner in (possible) crime, Matthew Tannin. Ahead of the big day, Gabe Sherman at New York has checked in to see how things have been going for Big R since the perp walk. Not so good! In fact, one might say downright bad. First off, he had to sell his Southampton house this past July for “millions less” than his $11.875 million asking price. Then, he was forced to get rid of two Ferraris, leaving him with only one. But most upsetting? The hardest thing to take? The mother of all blows to the ego?
It’s been a lonely time for Cioffi ever since he was paraded in front of reporters last June. Only one of Bear’s top brass called after he was indicted. Alan Schwartz, Cayne’s successor, called once.
That’s right. At a time when the offer to smoke a J is probably just the thing that could lift Cioffi’s spirits, there’s been nary a peep from his stoner boss. Of course, there’s a logical explanation for the silence– Cayne is too busy running down his list of opponents, in alphabetical order, and telling reporters they’re all gay– but it would be nice if he could pencil this in. Cioffi could probably also be suckered into paying for the weed and chips, so everybody wins.
Alistair Darling is admittedly moving closer towards his goal of quelling public outrage in the UK at bank and hedge fund compensation. Part of the solution appears to be threatening enough regulation that the high rollers at hedge funds decide the rewards of staying in London aren’t worth the risk of lawmakers actually passing the proposed stifling legislation and are fleeing to recently tax cooperative Switzerland.
Richard Jordan a partner at law firm Thomas Eggar told Financial News: “Around 40% of my work involves advising people on ways to leave the country. We have reached a tipping point in terms of hostility to the UK tax system.” Financial News estimates that hedge funds managing nearly £10 billion of assets have moved to the tax haven of Switzerland in the past year.
Evidently a Pyrrhic victory is more palatable to some that no victory at all.
Many a “teachable moment” has emerged from the Madoff saga but I think the most important one we can agree on is “if you’re going to run a Ponzi scheme, don’t fuck one of your lunatic investors because she will go circus freak crazy on your ass.” Sheryl Weinstein’s anger is understandable, to an extent, but holy invisible D this woman scares the shit out of me. She continued to tell her “story” this weekend, re: what it was like to bang Bernie and while it’d probably be better to just pretend the whole thing never happened, I can’t look away. This thing is happening and I’m taking you with me. Strap in as Sheryl straps on.* Before getting down to going down on Bernie, has anyone wondered what the awkward conversation with her husband, who until recently hadn’t known about the affair, was like? Was he totally blind-sided? Completely devastated? Not so much. He pretty much sensed all along she was an adulterous whore.
We sat down after dinner one night. I told him that I had something to share with him. Before he could say anything, I plunged in. “I had an affair 15 years ago.”
He didn’t appear shocked or angry, but he asked: “With whom?”
This was the hard part. “With Bernie,” I said.
“You’re kidding!” He almost laughed. “With Bernie? Him? What about Joey?”
Joey was my college boyfriend, whom I’d stayed in touch with over the years. “I thought if you were going to have an affair with anyone it would be him,” Ronnie said.
“No, it was Bernie.”
The Mad Max goodwill tour kicked off Saturday with a community chat about health care. Avoiding the temptation to one-up B-Frank’s exchange about allegations that some the Obama administration’s plans are reminiscent of a certain failed nation-state, the calm, cool collected one did take a little time to refer to some opponents of the public health care option as “neanderthals”. Maxie really wants a public option, but she knows it’s going to cost something. One guess who is going to pay for this plan. The answer comes 3:35 in.
The Postreports that Bernie-boy may be suffering from pancreatic cancer, a rumor we’ve been hearing since January that he’s been pushing while behind bars by taking “20 pills a day” and telling fellow inmates he could go at any moment. In the meantime, his new friends are apparently making things as comfortable as possible for the big man. According to sources, a whole bunch of prisoners are “trying to kiss his butt” via his stomach “by regularly cooking sandwich wraps for him back at their cells.” And if you thought that meant dry, unimaginative turkey meat, think again! Berns has been ingratiating himself to “the homosexual possse,” and while we’re assured the relationships are “purely platonic,” they certainly include a little aioli and some roasted red peppers. Additionally, it sounds as though someone has been performing a little manscaping on Big B, and also getting him stoned.
…a bare-chested Bernie has been killing time at the prison participating in Native American religious purification ceremonies held at an on-grounds “sweat lodge,” other sources said.
He accepted invitations from Native American inmates to join them at their weekly prayer services. The ceremonies involve praying, using heated rocks to induce sweat and smoking from a ceremonial pipe.
Also, several gangs are said to be lobbying hard to recruit Bernie into their crew, not going so far as to say, but to definitely imply they have people on the outside who can “deal with” Sheryl “It was the smallest D I’ve ever seen” Weinstein.
Goldman’s Trading Tips Reward Its Biggest Clients (WSJ)
Shocker (or not at all): “Every week, Goldman analysts offer stock tips [to about 50 favored clients...including Citadel Investment Group and SAC Capital] at a gathering the firm calls a ‘trading huddle.’ But few of the thousands of clients who receive Goldman’s written research reports ever hear about the recommendations.”
UBS Faces Gruebel Gloom Until 2011 as Withdrawals Curb Recovery (Bloomberg)
Why will no one trust the Swiss bank? Why is everyone acting like it did something wrong? WHY? UBS Chairman Says Clients “Not Harmless Victims” (Reuters)
Kaspar Villiger: “Sure, now that tax evasion being viewed as ‘illegal’ they’re all ‘this is an outrage’ but at the time? They were sooo into it.” Nouriel Roubini: The risk of a double-dip recession is rising (FT)
Doom: “There are also now two reasons why there is a rising risk of a double-dip W-shaped recession. For a start, there are risks associated with exit strategies from the massive monetary and fiscal easing: policymakers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they take large fiscal deficits seriously and raise taxes, cut spending and mop up excess liquidity soon, they would undermine recovery and tip the economy back into stag-deflation (recession and deflation).” Harvard Endowment Regroups (WSJ)
“We are looking to have a greater portion of our assets managed internally over the next few years,” Jane Mendillo, Harvard’s investment chief, says. “That will allow us to be more nimble, have better transparency into the portfolio and have more liquidity.” Now Pitching: A Hedge Fund (NYP)
Lock you money up with TODD Stottlemyre, and if you can’t meet his minimum, Lenny Dykstra’s offer to manage whatever cash you’ve got in your wallet is still on the table. Plain Talk From Judge Weighing Merrill Case (NYT)
Apparently we’re still talking about those bonus payouts and whoever approved them is going down.
GM may not know how to design a car people want, but it does know a thing or two about bailout arbitrage. Before GM’s first ride on the bailout/bankruptcy merry-go-round, it agreed to try to spin off its German arm, Opel. Having missed out on the opportunity to get Opel fully involved in the bailout sweepstakes the first time around, GM looks set to make sure the US government gets stuck with part of the bill the second time.
