For insurance companies looking to hedge their bets should billions of dollars worth of destruction not come to fruition by the end of hurricane season, a new way to benefit from pain and suffering is emerging. After Tom Brady went down last year, the natural reaction for most football fans wasn’t ‘I hope the injury isn’t serious’ or ‘I hope he makes it back soon’, it was ‘I am so happy he wasn’t on my fantasy team’. However, for those who had the top pick last year and got hosed by Tom’s leg, you can rest a bit easier this year. Several companies are now offering insurance for fantasy football picks.

If any of the stipulated top 50 players go down for a significant part of the season, and you’ve paid for their insurance, Fantasy Sports Insurance will pay your entry fee back. In order to collect, you have to select a player (one policy allows you to group three players), pay the insurance — roughly 10 percent of your entry fee — and watch that player miss roughly two-thirds of the games with an injury

Now when you see one of your picks writhing around in pain from some cheap shot to the knees, you can breathe a sigh of relief. His career may be over and he may never be able to walk right again, but you’ll get your entry fee back.

Except when it will, in which case it’s prettay, prettay, prettay easy to pull off. This guy knows what we’re talking about.

Hassan Nemazee, chairman of Nemazee Capital Corp. and a fundraiser for President Obama and Hillary Clinton, was arrested on charges that he tricked Citigroup Inc. into lending him as much as $74 million using phony documents.
Nemazee got the loan by telling Citibank that he held accounts with hundreds of millions of dollars which could serve as collateral, U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara said today in a statement. He used fake addresses and phone numbers to mislead the bank, prosecutors said.
The accounts “either never existed or had been closed years before Nemazee submitted the documents referencing those accounts,” Bharara said in the statement.

As the saying goes, Citi crime never sleeps. A former sales assistant at the loss powerhouse was barred from the securities industry after putting a new spin on liar loans. In this case, Tamara Lanz Moon didn’t so much borrow money from clients such as widows, a U.S. diplomat, and her father as flat out steal it.

Moon allegedly falsified accounts and forged signatures to steal about $55,000 from the diplomat, $30,000 from her father and more than $120,000 from at least three elderly widows

The former Pandito worker bee made off with over $850,000 for non-client approved ventures like remodeling her house before Citi gave her the boot. Being fired from Citi and barred from the securities industry by Finra, you’d think Moon would be fighting for her financial life- maybe even getting a little depressed these days. But in the current anything goes as long as it goes environment in mortgage modification world, it’s only a matter of time before she takes some perverse pleasure in going back to her former employer for a little help on the remodeled house that got her into this mess initially. Welcome to the new housing circle of life.
Finra Bars Ex-Citigroup Aide for Stealing From Widows [Bloomberg]

That’s right, ladies, Nails hath taken us for a ride. Earlier today we noted that LD, in a fit of genius, had ripped the toilets out and pissed on the walls of his Sherwood mansion in an attempt to get an insurance company to hand over $10 million or whatever they’ve got in their wallets, since he has no money. He also demanded that they give him a place to stay in the meantime, as he’s been living like a hobo, claiming that he spent the night on Sunday in the lobby of the Westwood Hotel. And when he did that, he lied to us. Because I have time on my hands, and none of you are making any news happen, I called up the front desk to get a little more color on the matter, and find out what LD looks like when he’s sleeping (soundly, like (someone with the mind of a) child without a care in the world, or violently, like someone whose dreams are haunted by Jim Cramer?). I was transferred to a fellow who was on duty that night and he told me that LD was full of shit. “He definitely didn’t stay here. Security never would’ve allowed that….though he might’ve been spotted loitering for a few hours before being asked to leave.” Sounds about right, and also like a total crock. It’s pretty incredible to think that we can’t trust the guy, at this stage in the game. Despite this upset, we’re willing to overlook things, if LD promises to take us up on the offer to write a weekly column on private planes (and tell us what he did with the missing toilets). Finally, if any one has some leads on where he actually was Sunday, let us know. A meth lab? On the set of a new porno called “Sonic And Nails“? Wherever one would go to pawn off Jon Kruk’s testicle? He needs to be held accountable.

According to a recent study, people are happier in poverty than facing foreclosure. Close to 1 out of every 2 people struggling to find somebody to modify their mortgage needs a serious pick-me-up.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine questioned 250 homeowners going through foreclosure in Philadelphia and found that 47 percent showed symptoms of depression, with 37 percent exhibiting signs of major depression. The rate was especially high considering previous research showed that only about 12.8 percent of people living in poverty were depressed, the study found.

However, for those worried that there won’t be a white knight to help them keep their home, help is on the way. The bank that Fox-Pitt Kelton analyst David Trone said could lose up to $68.6 billion through 2010 stemming from bad loans, Citi, is adding 1400 people to its mortgage unit to expand its book of delinquent borrowers. So cheer up people, Vikula has got you covered.

Very supposedly layoffs are planned to go down “some time this week, possibly as early as today” at DE Shaw. Apparently, not to worry, the cuts “will not affect any A-team players. This is just a cutting of fat.” Given that the firm went through axings as recently as June (“a result of efficiency right-sizing analysis”) we’re skeptical. If you (David) know anything, let us know.
Earlier: Diabolical Genius At DE Shaw