Profiling Abby Joseph "The Oracle" Cohen's fall out of the financial cheerleading tree, CNBC's JeeYeon Park managed to hit (and break) every metaphoric branch on the way down. Between the two of them, no rhetorical equity booster is left unbowed, including:
"...held up during the difficult portion of the recession." (It being all behind us now, this is clearly a safe observation, right?) "...new bull market." (a/k/a "It's different this time." a/k/a "A new paradigm.") "...stocks should likely perform better than bonds." (Should likely). "...not only good, but fabulous by comparison." (Thanks for asking!) "...staircase pattern." (Stairway to heaven, one assumes). "...job losses were slowing." (The precious second derivative decline. Thank the maker!) "...unlikely to turn all at one [sic] or on a dime." (Bit dangerous to put Titanic references in an otherwise positive pump job, but we digress...)
Being the aesthetics that we know you to be, we've decided to give you a chance to hone your literary and poetic skills in the comfort of your own deskchair. Yes, a contest.
Best haiku using as much of Cohen's unique vocabulary as syllapossible gets to vote on our new fall intern. Scoring will be completely arbitrary, unfair and primarily focused on creative use of words and phrases like "fabulous" and "V-Shaped."
Go!
Stocks in 'New Bull Market,' But Climb Will Be Slow: Cohen [CNBC]
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 4:49PM
EP, I've got a Drake's coffee cake for you if you can bring back Bess to finish out the week tomorrow.
Posted by NotNasser , Aug 06, 2009 4:50PM
Being the aesthetics that we known you to be...?
Sorry, but aesthetics is a branch of philosophy. You don't kn us to be a branch of philosophy. If that is what you think we are, you are mistaken.
You may have meant that you know us to be aesthetes, people who have "or who profess to have refined sensitivity toward the beauties of art or nature."
Still a tad heavy-handed in the irony department, but at least that would make for a coherent sentence.
Posted by Seaman Bodine II , Aug 06, 2009 4:50PM
I love this (paraphrased):
Last year sucked ass, so when we get to the end of this year, people will be so stupid they'll say, "wow, upside!"
Way to go.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 4:52PM
The title "Take the Plunge" with a picture of the charming, but-less-than-chubby-inducing AbJoCo made me throw up in my mouth.
But just a little.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 4:53PM
To EP:
Climb the Upward Steps
Into a New Paradigm
Lost Track of the Facts
--- Greenwich Short Seller.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 4:55PM
that is one ugly man
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 4:57PM
that is one handsome woman
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 4:57PM
I hate that guy.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 4:59PM
Wow, EP. Talk about LAZY!
Hope you are not being paid to do this and are doing this as a favor to BL/DB, for getting you through some tough times.
Posted by onetwo , Aug 06, 2009 4:59PM
A New Bull Market
A resurgent economy
Stairs to stock heaven
Market climbs worry wall
Stocks should beat bonds in long run
Someone kick record player
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:00PM
Cohen's bulls are out
Don't expect to find a V
Those are goldman sachs'
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:01PM
Cohen's bulls are out
Don't expect to find a V
Those are goldman sachs'
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:01PM
Cohen's bulls are out
don't expect to find a V
those are goldman sachs'
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:03PM
Fabulous Q4
AbJoCo's V makes me sick
Bow before GS
-FoF Analyst
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:05PM
Hey Equity Private
How about a performance update on your Obama/"first analyst" portfolio? It's been awhile.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:08PM
Ah, staircase pattern!
All that remains
Of the the difficult portion.
--
Job losses slowing.
Unlikely to turn
but fabulous by comparison.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:11PM
a new paradigm
should likely perform better
than two-thousand-eight
-morganovich
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:13PM
@10 + @16-
Learn to count.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:14PM
Why is Al Franken's photo attached?
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:18PM
AJC Haiku
*************
I saw it coming
Then it fell eight thousand points
Dow Sixteen thousand!
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:21PM
Caption: Hisss. I will eat your soul!
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:21PM
They want the "V" shape
But they must climb my stair steps
To get the "Fabulous"!
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:31PM
No conspiracy
Our hive is simply V shaped
Futile to resist
Posted by Investorcluzo , Aug 06, 2009 5:33PM
What the fuck is this
A haiku for every post
English class is done
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:35PM
Wow, a post about AJC without mentioning Goldman Sachs, impressive EP.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:35PM
16 here @18, you uncircumcised louse, rules were made for weaker moments.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:37PM
Duh, @24
Don't milk a "cow" with one teat!
You did not like school
Posted by collateral , Aug 06, 2009 5:39PM
Let's not look backwards
This time I know I am right
Stocks will likely rise
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:39PM
did not @24
read the last paragraph well?
Haiku was assigned
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:45PM
Abbey is a bull
Pumping and pimping all day
While Goldman front runs.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 5:46PM
Hairy vagina
Untamed, wild beast of Goldman
A queef in the wind
Posted by Anal_yst , Aug 06, 2009 5:48PM
Eighty Percent Off
my oh-eight S&P close
I suck d*ck at this
Posted by Investorcluzo , Aug 06, 2009 5:51PM
@27/@29 - was not questioning why there were haikus. was pointing out that this isn't english class...I would rather a contest for the best not from greg's mom.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 6:08PM
Cluzo....you must have had a rough day. Take off the black leather zippered head mask and spit out the red gag ball. You deserve a break. Take one!
~Epstein Towel Company
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 6:37PM
@9
No favors. She needs the money. Plus charity is against her religion. And playing the Obama Portfolio short didn't help her one bit.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 6:42PM
I'd hit that.
Sir Allen
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 7:07PM
I vote for #31
-BLM
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 7:18PM
"The precious second derivative decline. Thank the maker!"
Don't you mean first derivative?
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 7:54PM
The servant waits
while the master bates
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 8:42PM
Dude looks like a lady.
- Fixed Income
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 8:54PM
she is
sofa
king
hotttt!!!!
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 9:25PM
As winner, I vote for the new fall intern with the best tits.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 10:26PM
18 here @16-
save it you undereducated dolt.
this one is for you:
even little kids
know how to count to seven
but not you, you douche.
Posted by guest , Aug 06, 2009 11:07PM
Old sweater is gone
New suit, same Bull
Cash for Clunker-Babushka.
Posted by guest , Aug 07, 2009 7:40AM
16 @ 18/43 Ha!
Seriously, though, forget what your third-grade teacher said. She can't hurt you any more. Go read some R. H. Blyth.
Posted by guest , Aug 07, 2009 8:35AM
EP: Are you going to pick a winner?
Posted by guest , Aug 07, 2009 9:28AM
18 @16-
haiku really scarred you somehow, huh?
did you get nervous and pee your pant in front of the class when you had to read yours or something?
Posted by guest , Aug 07, 2009 10:15AM
Abby J. Cohen
Is a worthy Strategist
But EP is not.
Seriously, spare us the editorializing. What were those parentheticals supposed to do? Make us laugh at how much smarter you are than Goldman Sachs' Senior Investment Strategist? At people who aren't as bearish as you?
This isn't an investment newsletter. Stick to the gossip and news, spare us your windbaggy opinions.
For the record, I really like your posts when you do that.
Posted by guest , Aug 07, 2009 11:37AM
The bulls they are a-comin'
So says AbJoCo of Gold
The public takes the load
Posted by guest , Aug 07, 2009 2:40PM
Why can't I have some
Regulatory capture
Of my very own?
Posted by guest , Aug 07, 2009 5:42PM
To the girls in the back office at 18, 43, 47, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your hard work.
Here's an olive branch:
Ah, staircase pattern!
Of the the difficult portion,
all that now remains.
Job losses slowing —
Fabulous comparison,
unlikely to turn.
~16