• 29 Sep 2009 at 11:21 AM

Bernie Madoff Most Likely Broke Yesterday’s Fast With A Bacon, Egg And Cheese Sandwich

By Bess Levin

Screen shot 2009-09-29 at 11.16.17 AM.png
Oh joy, another book is out about Bernie Madoff. This one is by ABC’s Brian Ross and despite presumably never having slept with Ponzi Boy, manages to (sort of) get into dick size as well, though not is as harrowing detail as Sheryl Weinstein. Sitting down with Diane Sawyer, Ross informs us that:
1. During those dark days of house arrest? “Bernie and Ruth walked around naked.” (Yes.)
2. Ruth thinks “the Gentiles are responsible for this.”


3. Berns and Ruth are furious that the soon-to-be destitute Andy and Mark went to the FBI right after finding out the whole thing is a scam, rather than give the couple time to just, you know, get a few things together.
Also: Madoff was apparently given Monday off to get closer to God, though some are skeptical he actually took the holiday seriously, particularly his brother, Peter. (It seems Pedro still hasn’t gotten over the fact that Bernie used to tease him, an Orthodox Jew, about not being able to eat the delicacy that is pork, while the non-observing bro would rub pieces of raw bacon all over his face while going on about “how good this is, you want a bite” on the reg, not to mention deluging him with daily links to bacon-infused treats and making the main feature of the annual holiday party a pig roast).

Comments (18)

  1. 1
    Posted by pfluger | September 29, 2009 at 11:27 AM

    It is all the goys’ fault that Ruth must now ride the subway, with the little people. She should sue.

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 11:31 AM

    @1 that’s what I’ve been telling people!

  3. 3
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 11:35 AM

    serious question- how does ross know they walked around naked?

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 11:36 AM

    Jews don’t believe in hell, right? So what does Bernie care.

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 11:40 AM

    How did the Madoffs’ sons end up so damn WASPy looking?

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 11:53 AM

    I would thoroughly enjoy Bernard Madoff’s penis up my ass.
    Dennis Kneale

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 11:55 AM

    @5 – wondering the same thing

  8. 8
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:07 PM

    @5 ruth was pretty waspy looking herself. she was also a whore though, so berns was most likely not the father.

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:22 PM

    @6
    Bernard MADOFF, not a SAINT Bernard

  10. 10
    Posted by Suits | September 29, 2009 at 12:33 PM

    Mayo wasn’t funny. Shamwow wasn’t funny. Wideclops wasn’t funny. The Dennis Kneale stalker isn’t funny.

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:34 PM

    Suits isnt funny

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:38 PM

    Whay about me? Am I funny?
    -CG

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:42 PM

    @10, every single message board “running gag” is hilarious. All the people who comment here are comedically gifted. Dont be a hater.

  14. 14
    Posted by pfluger | September 29, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    @13:
    Yes, Chaz, you are.
    As explained previously, however, your comic image is completely unintentional. That’s a reason why you are funny.

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:52 PM

    physical relationships with canines are ALWAYS funny, and fulfilling!
    DK

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:53 PM

    How do I know if I am funny?
    Tim Tebow

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | September 29, 2009 at 12:54 PM

    Handbridge isn’t funny. Asslobster isn’t funny.

  18. 18
    Posted by NakedShort | September 29, 2009 at 12:56 PM

    @17 since when is Handbridge not funny?
    ————————————-
    @16 Tebow you know was isnt funny? Your spotter fucking up
    -Stefan Johnson

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