Ugh, Goldman. This probably seems silly to those of you who don’t work there, but it’s really hard being a Master of the Universe sometimes. Particularly on payday and especially when you know the ridiculous success of the last few quarters is going to mean ka-ching! on your face. Sure, it should be a cause for celebration but because certain jerkoff writers– no names necessary: Tatt Maibbi– have turned the public against you, what with his anecdotal evidence of sucking people’s blood (one time!), you can’t do anything that might draw attention to the jingle jangle of coinage in your pants. You can’t even dance. And when you can’t do that, is there even a point to this thing?
Goldman’s bonus pool is expected to swell to an estimated $16 billion after what’s expected to be another stellar quarter, and Blankfein is struggling to figure out how to pay his employees in a way that keeps them happy while avoiding another round of populist and political outrage like the bank experienced over the summer.
And while a typical CEO would be cheering such news, for Blankfein another gold-plated quarter represents a huge headache, as the firm’s success has been greeted with intense scorn on both Wall Street and Main Street.
According to people familiar with the matter, Goldman’s human-resources department is toying with a number of changes to employee compensation, including imposing longer vesting periods for stock options. Also under consideration is paying top executives’ bonuses almost entirely in stock to keep from making the biggest cash payments. Sources speculated that the cash cut out of the bonus pool might be used to buy back stock.
‘Damage’ Control [NYP]
fuckers
assholes.
-dick fuld
I’ve got a serious jingle jangle in my pants right now.
-s____ s_____
Shut your dicksucker, bess.
-LB
first they can’t buy anything extravagant, now this??? wtf, who’s going to buy my damn apt when people can’t get jumbo loans and only cash deals are getting done?
I’ve had about all the fun I can take with these tags.
-Boone’s Boy
@4 “shut your dicksucker” ftw
It’s stories like this that make me vomit brownie batter all over my Croft & Barrow cords.
-Michael Moore
@8 you’d never waste food like that.
would they prefer to work for RBS? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.
These things have a way of working themselves out. After paying back AIG there won’t be much revenue left.
@11 don’t make me laugh.
-LB
Stop with the GS worship. We can handle things! We’re smart! We’re smart and we want respect!
- Jeffries Trader (formerly at Wachovia)
@13 who here is worshiping GS?
nothing happens to @13 while mother merrill is still around
he looks so cranky in that pic.
sprint points and Mayo for the top brass
Who wants to see my 3rd leg?
LB
@9
Well what I forgot to add was that I would then scoop up the regurgitated brownie batter and eat it.
@15 FTW (you broke my heart @13)
Um…can some of you help me? I need to order 214 ‘metal melting chalices’……214 bottles of propane…and 214 copies of “Goldplating Scrotums for Dummies”. Barnes and Noble only had 3 copies on site and another 12 avaiable online.
~Intern on Broad Street
No secret sauce, just a bigger book per employee due to collapsed competitors.
@19 okay that makes more sense.
I used to work at Goldman Sachs.
-Jim Cramer
a word to the wise at gs- when your boss makes it ‘ka-ching! on your face,’ be sure he’s got good aim, because that shit will STING like no other.
@25 a tip for busting facials: you don’t have to be a Navy Seal to have good aim. Sometimes, you just have to use two hand to get your target. Don’t think of additionaly support as a bad thing, the interns won’t judge you….just make sure they swallow.
Here is the solution to Lloyd’s problem:
EXT. ROBERT’S LOUNGE – NIGHT
Private Christmas party. As they arrive, HENRY and KAREN
are hugged by JIMMY in the doorway. It is a Lufthansa
victory party, but no one mentions the robbery.
JIMMY
(grabbing Henry
around the neck
and kissing his
head)
Come here.
(to Karen)
Look at this genius.
JIMMY keeps his arms around HENRY and KAREN as FAT LOUIE
CAFORA shows up with his new wife, DOLORES, who is also
over 200 pounds. They are beaming with pride.
FAT LOUIE
(to Jimmy and Henry)
Come outside. I gotta show you.
Just for a minute.
WE SEE a new pink caddy convertible. The sticker is still
in the window.
FAT LOUIE (O.S.)
Is that beautiful? I got it for
Dolores.
JIMMY
(whispering angrily
at Fat Louie)
You fucking nuts? Didn’t I say not
to go buy anything for a while?
You got a fucking car?
FAT LOUIE
(trying to placate
Jimmy as he enters
the bar)
Don’t get excited. It’s okay. My
mother bought it for us. It’s a
wedding present. It’s in her name.
JIMMY
You’re crazy. The bulls are across
the street. They’re watching
everything we do.
CUT TO:
ROBERT’S LOUNGE – COPS IN FRONT
CUT BACK TO:
JIMMY as he watches Fat Louie walk into the bar.
JIMMY
(angrily whispering
to Henry)
The fat fuck ought to wear a sign.
WE SEE a sailing ANGELO SEPE walk in the door and WE SEE
that his WIFE is wearing a $30,000 sable coat.
JIMMY
Jesus Christ! Are you all fucking
nuts?
SEPE
(to Henry)
What’s the matter with him?
Before HENRY can answer, WE SEE JIMMY start to grab the
coat off MRS. SEPE’s back.
SEPE
Hey? What the fuck are you doing?
MRS. SEPE
(hysteria risin)
Angelo! He’s taking my coat!
Angelo!
Meanwhile, WE SEE JIMMY grabbing the coat off MRS. SEPE’s
back and begin to roll it up and shove it under SEPE’s
arm.
JIMMY
(furiously, to Sepe)
Didn’t I tell you not to get
anything big? Didn’t I tell you
not to attract attention? In two
days, one fuck buys a Caddy and
another buys a ten thousand dollar
mink.
(to Henry)
Can you believe this shit?
(to Sepe, with some
menace)
Now get the fuck home and get rid
of the coat. Bring it back to where
you got it. I don’t care what you
do, just get rid of it.
MRS. SEPE
(to Sepe, hysterical
and angry)
I’m not giving it back. Angelo? Do
you hear me?
WE SEE SEPE angrily grab his WIFE’S arm and leave.
SEPE
Did I tell you to shut up? Shut
up!
JIMMY
(to Henry, as they
walk toward the
bar)
Fucking guys. Can you believe
them. I told them all: Don’t .
attract attention. Act normal.
crony capitalism as its finest -
Perp walk these guys already
@26/call me, PMB doesn’t pitch, she catches. Try to keep up.
I like these Jefferies traders. They’re amusing. Like the little yappy dogs trying to get your attention.
They’re still not getting laid though.
When you understand that former Goldman employees run the US government (the biggest economic actor in the US economy) and inform the current Goldman employees of new government policies in advance (Hank-gate), then it’s easy to understand the ability of Goldman’s traders to make large prop trading gains every quarter. If only the US securities markets were regulated properly and the SEC prosecuted insider trading… then Blankfiend’s face wouldn’t have a perpetual smirk.
-Hater
there are four categories of people:
1. the ones who work at goldman.
2. the ones who wish who could work at goldman but can’t so hate everyone in category #1.
3. the ones who have no f-ing clue what goldman does or what it means to work there, but hate everyone in category #1, just in case, because they think that category #1 steals their money and/or because they understand that they will never live as well as people in category #1.
4. me and those who do not work at goldman, do not wish to work at goldman, but have a healthy respect for those who have the stamina to work there and the pockets deep enough to carry the loose change.
gs needs a better pr department. they also need to publicly renounce their policy of human sacrifices and the drinking of the blood of the christian babies:-))
@34,
5. Alumni.
6. The other Paulson who feels sorry for them
@34
alumni can eatle ve divided between #2 and 4.
@33
Does anyone know if that NY terrorist bomber was planning to blow up the f’n GS building?
What a celebratory occasion for America that would be.
The Guy from Delaware
I’ve worked at Goldman.
If you like bleeding from your ass for 5 years while being a toadie with little imagination, there is no better place to work.
lM9bYJ Really informative blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.