The company that knows a thing or two about receiving guarantees is now providing one of its own. With the ink barely dry on the congressional report highlighting the rather stark likelihood that the taxpayers’ auto investment donation will yield anything other than a loss, the new GM has a plan that may end the discussion quickly, and for good. Starting Monday, GM is kicking off its 60-day “Satisfaction Guaranteed” promotion which will allow you to take a two month test drive and then, should you so desire, get 100% of your money back. So the company believes that people who put down a significant amount of money should have the option of seeing how their new asset performs before committing to it fully. If only the US taxpayer had been granted the same courtesy.
G.M. to Make a 60-Day Money-Back Offer [NYT]

A GMAC analyst is attempting the VMC circa now. The challenger apparently recently succeeded in an eating contest in which he consumed 5 mayonnaise, 5 ketchup, and 27 mustard packets within 10 minutes so I guess this is an attempt to stay limber but not push himself in any way whatsoever?

Challenger has from 9:30am – 5:30pm to consume 1 item from each slot of the vending machine. Challenger may drink at his or her option. Challenger use the bathroom, but any “reversals” are a DQ. List of the items:
Fritos Original
Lay’s Classic
Doritos Nacho Cheese
Cheetos Crunchy
Rold Gold Tiny Twists Pretzels
Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar
Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream
Uncle Ray’s Sour Cream & Onion
Uncle Rays BBQ
Baked Lays Sour Cream & Onion
Act II Butter Lover’s Pop Corn (currently an un-popped bag – may consume popped or un-popped)

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$$$ Dutch Banks Agree To Limit Bonuses [NYT]
$$$ Greenspan Apology: Still MIA [FS]
$$$ Know your eligible princes. [Cityfile]
$$$ Live-blogging the Lehman made for tv movie on BBC– Dick Fuld choked a teddy bear a few scenes back.
$$$ Pic of the Day. Berns’s throne room:

It appears the Governator looked back to his Terminator days for insight in closing part of California’s $26 billion budget gap. While the state continues to fight about whether or not to unleash tens of thousands of prisoners on its more law abiding citizens, stray animals are getting the opposite treatment and being “dealt with” quicker to keep costs at shelters under control.

The recent budget compromise between Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and legislative leaders to reduce a $26 billion deficit included a provision that reduces the mandatory holding period for stray animals from six days to three days.

So the next time your dog takes off and you’re deciding between chasing after him or just waiting until he returns, remember the phrase ‘I’ll be back’ becomes less applicable for him with each passing minute.
Budget crisis cuts holding time at pet shelters [SF Chronicle]

Maybe he was just a huge Seinfeld fan who thought some performance art was the best way to honor the show. Or that a fake statue and some photoshop work would always offer enough credibility to entice people to part with millions without a second thought. But whatever the real reason, Brice Carrington is headed to jail for at least 4 years for a unique investment scam. Borrowing a page out of Kramer’s Scarsdale Surprise playbook, Carrington posed as an Academy Award-winning sound engineer armed with a fake Oscar statuette and photographs to convince potential investors of his Hollywood connections and buy into his fictional online sound effects library. A $2.65 million home and luxury car collection later, the Oscar winner agreed to a plea deal (without a Raquel Welch clause) and will learn his final fate on Jan. 8th.

With any luck, this may finally be enough to get Andrew Cuomo into the octagon. Bobby Benmosche gave it his best by warning AC about the enormous can of whoop ass he can expect once the Croatian wine duties have been attended to. But maybe it takes a more eloquent message to get the NY Attorney General’s blood boiling enough to do his best Bruce Banner impression and embark on a rampage in Charlotte that will only end when he’s holding Ken Lewis upside down by the ankles.
Bank of America’s lawyers responded to Cuomo’s most recent round of Merrill conspiracy accusations by stating, repeatedly, and in a colorful variety of ways, that his Office’s letter is a delicate mixture of selective hearing and remedial reading comprehension. If “The worst thing that will ever happen to him is when he and I meet in the room and I close the door” can’t get the Hulk fired up, let’s hope “the basic premise of the letter is simply wrong” and “the letter contains a number of spurious and false allegations” can.

The departure of Randy White from David Ganek’s Level Global Investors had insiders buzzing this morning with wishful thoughts that this art lovin ex-SAC super trader’s fund is in trouble. Not so!
Dealbreaker caught up with the firm and learned team Ganek (which runs a long/short equity fund) is actually thriving. After only ending 2008 down 6 percent Level Global is now cruising in positive territory up 8 percent ytd. And their AUM which was $2.3 billion in beginning of 2008 is now $4bn.

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Walking through the master bedroom, with a vaulted ceiling, dark wood floors and his-and-hers bathrooms and closets, Schowalter says she wants to keep buyers focused on the property, not Madoff.
Taking a break from cleaning, a Marshals Service contractor, Mike Clawson, tells Schowalter of the difficulties he has encountered as he has tended to the 20-foot-tall ficus hedge in the front yard and the rest of the trees and greenery that provide privacy from the houses immediately next door.
People have walked by cursing him, assuming he works for Madoff, says Clawson, as he chomps on a cigar from the Dominican Republic. One woman hurled a bag of dog excrement at him, narrowly missing, he says.

Marshals Service Markets Madoff’s Home [Bloomberg]

The stage is being set for round two of TARP. But instead of just being upfront about the need for some more printed money, the administration has turned this charade into a full blown three ring circus. TARP 2.0 is now one step closer to lift off after a congressional panel revealed what anybody with a pulse knew months ago: not all of the $81 billion that went out the door to GM and Chrysler is likely to come back. And while improved disclosure is an absolute must when it comes to banks and the products they sell to individuals, the doctrine evidently has its limits when tens of billions of taxpayer dollars are being thrown about.

“Congress and ultimately the American taxpayer have been left in the dark concerning details of Treasury’s review process and its methodology and metrics at a time when Treasury committed additional TARP funds to these companies,” the panel said.
“The Treasury auto team failed to disclose to the public both the factors and criteria it used in its viability assessments, the scope of outside involvement in its evaluations, and its basis and reasoning for selecting particular benchmarks,” according to the report. “Simply, its disclosures did not go far enough.”

On the off chance the New GM fails to exceed its predecessor’s all-time market cap high (which would put the taxpayer investment at roughly break even), the bailout for the bailout appears more likely by the day.