Looking for a last minute party this Labor Day? Look no further. Do it in debatable style in the comfort of a Montauk home that just went on the market. That’s right girlfriends, we’re talking about Bernie’s beach house, which could be yours if you’ve got between one and seven million dollars to spend. While we agree that the spread isn’t the most aesthetically pleasing place money will buy, CNNMoney is working overtime this morning to convince potential buyers that this place is a dump not worth more than a ten-spot and certainly not the millions US Marshals are seeking* (perhaps in an attempt to drive down the price before swooping in and snapping it up themselves).
What are the views like? Nice, the arbiters of taste concede, but that’s where the good times end the tacky-ass kitchen begins. The rest of the home is “unremarkable considering its previous occupant’s staggering wealth,” we’re told. “Think Formica countertops and smallish bedrooms.” Oh shit, bitches– was this review written by the size queen du jour? Probably but we’ve got more backhanded compliments to get to. Does the place give off a relaxed vibe? Yes, but the sort you’d find in a trailer park where one wouldn’t be bashful about putting his feet up or tracking shit through the rug. “A visitor probably wouldn’t hesitate to walk in with sandy shoes,” Les Christie writes. As for the furniture, which the house doesn’t even come with (you’ll have to provide your own exercise bike for the master bedroom)? “The sectional sofas look built for comfort rather than style, and the rugs don’t make any big statements either.” Seriously? Or are you just fucking with us, Les? It’d better be the latter ’cause I need the rugs I’m not buying to speak to me! I need them to dance! You dig? It doesn’t matter that they’ll be long gone by the time I move in– I’ll know they were once there, laying on the floor, like–like rugs or something, making everyone uncomfortable by not saying anything, and it will fuck with my aura, not to mention my flow. Pretty sure I’m not alone here.
Now that I’ve regained my composure, how ’bout the fact that the home is a mere 150 feet from the beach, a distance federal zoning laws no longer permit– that’s pretty sweet, right? Yeah if you wanna die. It’s only because CNN care about you that they say this: “The proximity means…the home faces a big flood risk.”
Going to bat for the shack, since no one else will, is US Marshall Roland Ubaldo, putting his interior design degree to good use, and restraining every impulse he has to wrap his hands around Christie’s neck. “Every room is situated so that you have a left to right, 180 degree angle of the Atlantic Ocean,” said Roland, doing damage control. “It’s a panoramic view. You’re talking about guest bedrooms, master bedrooms, foyer, you name it, [all of them] have a view of the Atlantic Ocean; it really is breathtaking. There’s an understated elegance, I believe, in this whole residence. It’s simple, stylish, but it is understated.”
Surely at least one of you might agree? Consider the added incentive to make an offer today: if you don’t, Sheryl Weinstein has threatened to buy the place and start live streaming weekly key parties.
*Which, you know, will go toward investors that got ripped off.
tag please
Love the hidden TV. Classes up the joint real nice.
-CG
truly hideous
I think Rolando should buy it on his Marshall’s salary. Just Saying’
@4 you think im not trying to get a loan from the bank?
The outside says Seville Row, while the inside screams condiment-dick.
rolando, a geigh? not that there’s anything wrong with that.
150ft! That’s fucking scary. One giant storm surge and Berns would have been history…
@rolando how’s having dozens of DB logins working out for you? You must be an unemployed basement dweller, no?
I missed it yesterday – why is Erin Burnett talking about underwear?
@8 wtf are you talking about?
@9 because cnbc is the lamest network on earth and thinks it’s being “scandalous” by making reference to undergarments. now stfu and stay focussed.
I’ll buy it if they let me Cankle fuck Dolly Lenz. That’s right bitches, I went there.
@8 Flood insurance is relatively pretty inexpensive because its the only disaster risk that insurance companies can nationalize.
@10 I’m talking about the douche bag @5 who creates a new login identity for almost every post he/she/it makes. If you’ve been paying attention you would have noticed this over the last few days.
-8
The bedrooms are small but I climaxed in every one of them.
SW
@14, and how do you know its the same person that is doing this? are you Bess?
@14 actually, the new commenting system, which has been up for about a week now, lets you type in a different “nickname” every time you comment. no one is creating new logins every time they leave a note from biff basness, Rolando, or SherylWeinstein’s Vadge. I do, however, applaud your attempt to start shit with 10.
bunk beds b1tches! nothing says fraud (or cult) better than bunk beds…
@naked – how was the party? any sales?
separately, on the insurance front, premiums have been rising. however, as the folks in FL learned, the wealthy folks on the coast are being subsidized by the unwashed masses inland. that said, it ain’t cheap and we’re talking high deductible polices.
@14 how’s that egg on your face? you should get that cleaned up.
@17 Bess, I missed that feature and stand corrected. Apologies to Rolando…
I did wonder why the username was grayed out – now I know.
Flood insurance is also relatively cheap b/c the event (which is strictly defined) is partially tied to something not insured (which is loosely defined) that supercedes the flood insurance.
Scene: Interior of Madoff beach house. Real Estate bus tour passengers enter home and comment:
**************************
Weinstein: Oy!!
Cuomo: ………….
Imus: Nappy!
Curly Benmosche: Just wait! Just wait! I’ll moiderize him!! Not gonna be nice!!! Nyuck, nyuck……
Cuomo: ……………….
Imus: New york?? Huh? Giddy-up….Hannity….
Spitzer: I’m back!!
Dupre: (breaks wind)
Curly Benmosche: Close the door!! Not niceness!!! Slappity slaappity!!!!! EEeeeuunh….nyuck!
Cuomo: …………..
Drury: Did they have six in here??? Eeewww…..
D-Rat: Lookit, hey OK, now before the Lehman stay with me lookit and then whoops right? Uh-huh and wait! Yes the market fell laundry on an flop table wet!
Mays: Not getting in that tub without a KaBoom rubdown!!!!
Curly Benmosche: Croation Rubdown!! Croation Smackdown coming!! Close that door, it’s gonna get ugly!!!
Cuomo: ???????????
Imus: Kaboom?? What? Should I duck? Urgle…..henh
Curly Benmosche: Kaboom!!! Kaboom!!! Yeah baby!! Kaboom!!!
SAC: Not enough bathrooms…..
El-Erian: Sugar high!!!!
Imus: Those cheerleaders from Sugar High are snappy…henh..huh?
Art Cashin: Halloween!!!!!!
Drury: The water dreens backwids in the loo!!!
Weinstein: Peter Tracks!!!!
AJC: Straight up!!!
PTJ: Straight down!!!
Kneale: DICKWEEDS!
******************************
A One Act Play by the Trader between Trades
@Cluzo..shirt was a smash hit, Moms included.
As a FL resident the unwashed masses inland arent subsidizing the wealthly coast elite the state is. Private insurance is still offered inland (think Orlando) and is cheap as balls. The high risk areas (all of S. Florida, Keys, Panhandle) use the states insurance fund (Citizens) which is fucking expensive AND is thinly capitalized (yields on Citizens backed muni bonds are still through the roof). So wed better hope to have another tame hurricane season or Florida will be headed the way of California.
One of you little bitches go get me a loosie!
@19. Nope. Just a simple exchange of information. Hope you learn’t something, Johnny.
@25 you were the one who came out guns blazing to flame someone for making multiple logins when no one has done such thing. you looked like an idiot. admit it and move on, or off yourself.
@naked – nice work (on the tee). I would say that the unwashed masses are being penalized (maybe a subsidy is too strong a word), because short of the take-out companies setting up shop in the state, the private co’s are avoiding (leaving) that state like the plague! heaven help us if citizens takes a big hit making it bk forcing charlie to go hat in hand to d.c. we saw how well that worked for arnold…
You need money?
Go to the banker.
You need honey?
Go to the bee.
You need a beach house?
Don’t look no foither darling.
Just come on home to Bernie.
@ Cluzo – Bunk beds and hale bopp make a helluva party
Waiting for the Geico gecko wearing a life jacket on the porch hawking storm insurance…
-@29
Bo & Peep.
@30 Don’t you mean Gekko on the beach screaming that money never sleeps?
Levin,
Any way we can get as our default the comments to be visible (via browser cookies or whatever)? Between the extra click and scrolling my desk manager is convinced you are bilking us for 1bps.
bess, you are on *FIRE* today! LOVED IT.
greg, you’re still shit!
girls – no chance of this washing away as most of the homes on the south side of montauk (the atlantic ocean side) are high on bluffs.
I disagree. I think the rug really tied the room together, did it not?
Nice photos of Bernie’s little beach cottage courtesy of the good Progressives at Huffington post.
The home is NOT high on a bluff, the bathrooms will not make ladies “go wild,” and the bedrooms appear a bit spartan…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/01/madoffs-montauk-beach-hou_n_273581.html?slidenumber=5#slide_image
Global warming bitches.
You guys are all retards.
Anyone want to get drinks after work tonight? I’m looking to celebrate my 21st!
@39/40 happy to see the new commenting features are helping you pass the time in Hackensack, NJ.
@39/40 – you must be new to the site. you should know better than to fk with bess. she will quickly call you out. btw, what’s your mom making for lunch?
@41 – Happy your happy.
-I am Bess Levin(icus).
@43 – #43 here, your grammar is better than that, take 5.
-39/40
This is starting to get me really annoyed you ‘tard. I will rip your ears off if you keep doing this.
Didn’t mean any harm, just pointing out the flaws in the new system. No need to go banning any IPs.
39/40
Also been away for the past week and a half, so just seeing the new submission form for the first time. So not sure just how old the joke was. Again, my apologies.
39/40
@39/40/46 – if you noticed, when you posted under a fake “guest” name – you can’t click to prior comments. thus, the system isn’t flawed – but your logic was…
@47,39,40
All you have to do is follow three simple rules for this new commenting system. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside the comment thread. Never start anything inside the comment thread unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.
I was banned over the weekend because I said nice things here!
I was banned over the weekend because I said nice things here!
@50/51 here…sorry for the double post. I am a rookie on the newer system.
Naked
You been watching the Road House marathon on TNT?
39/40/47
@53 Yes the marathon rotates from CMT to TNT to Spike about every 6 weeks, FYI
@54 noted. But I think I’ve seen that movie a few dozen times now… Was somehow always on TV when I’d get home after a night out.
39/40/47/53
Yea a big risk of flood if you beleive the Al Gore,John Kerry Global Warming rising tide myth
@56 really didn’t need to be politicized but thanks for your anger (and what I’m sensing is global-warming-is-a-myth ignorance. tell us about the time the world was created in a matter of days).
How quaint, a weekend at Bernie’s.
I think the formica in the kitchen was the same 80′s “modernism” formica found throughout the office at the Lipstick building.
And they say the Berns didn’t have timeless taste, bah!
@56….thank you for using “yea” with your subliminal Biblical reference. Please use “verily” after it in the future.
~J. Swaggart
Forgiveness, LA
The NY Post has more pictures of the Bernie Beach House.
The artwork includes a clay animal with horns inspecting a clay pot:
http://www.nypost.com/photos/galleries/news/regionalnews/pp_20090901_madoff_beach_house/photo13.htm
Here is Bernie’s chair, and the narrowest cocktail table I’ve ever seen:
http://www.nypost.com/photos/galleries/news/regionalnews/pp_20090901_madoff_beach_house/photo12.htm
And here we have one of Bernie’s night stands, complete with what I suspect to be a dried up souvenir of one of his hot nights with Sheryl.
http://www.nypost.com/photos/galleries/news/regionalnews/pp_20090901_madoff_beach_house/photo11.htm