First off, let me just say that we love when you people give us tips, any tips, big and small. As we would like nothing more than the flow of information to continue at a pace, and because this is somewhat contingent on keeping you employed, this morning I’d like to address an issue of tip line etiquette that’s become something of a problem. You are of course free to contact us however you like (more on that momentarily) but if you’re going to go the e-mail route, and if you’re giving us the lowdown on something that might scream “I’m not doing my job!” consider not sending us the 411 from your work account? I’m ballparking it here, but the last six or so food eating challenges have fallen into our laps via places like imjerkingoffatwork@jpmorgan.com or pssstoverhere@citi.com and firemefiremefireme@cnbc.com. Some of you have bosses who are totally cool with this productive use of your time. However, there remain some unimaginative fucks who’ve yet to embrace the value added of a (successfully completed) show of gastrointestinal fortitude. So much so, apparently, that a few ahead of the curve firms have specifically hired in-house junior detectives to crackdown on the fun. Like this little minx who attempted to put her sleuthing skills to work yesterday:
Hi Bess,
I’ve been receiving some internal inquiries re: one your posts on DealBreaker today (Nothing To Fear: Steve Rattner Will Drag This Lil’ Fella Across The Finish Line).
Is this in relation to GMAC Financial Service? If so, can you provide me with some background? What GMAC location? Who, etc.? I find this rather entertaining (I’m new to the Vending Machine Contest concept) and hope to provide some feedback to colleagues.
Thanks,
[redacted]
GMAC Financial Services
I don’t want to be too harsh because this lady was just doing her job, albeit poorly. Plus, she’s not alone in her attempt to “trick” the info out of us. Some of the tri-state area’s most notable hedge funds have gone the “act casual” route (“So, I’m new to this, where do the investor letters come from? It’s just so interesting to me, I’d love to hear more about it, who specifically sent you the returns, where they live, SSN, etc etc etc.”), though none have nailed it so perfectly as she. So right off the bat, props where props are due. [Redacted] knew to appeal to our baser instincts, namely having our egos massaged and lavished with well-deserved praise. Oh, do you find this “rather entertaining,” [redacted]? I mean, I know it is but I love when other people tell me as much, particularly when they lay it on extremely thick. Make it rain obscene compliments on my face, [redacted]. And taking an exercise in goring oneself on snack packs and referring to it as a “concept,” thereby adding a certain level of prestige to the whole thing was also good. I actually almost hit reply and began composing a detailed primer on the whole thing, starting with that fateful afternoon at Ulysses and bringing it all the way through yesterday afternoon. No, just fucking with you! This might’ve worked on some local yokel financial website, but not on Dealbreaker, where we’re not so easily had. You’re going to have to wake up pretty early to take DB.com for a ride, guy.
In sum, send us tips however you want, but our professional recommendation, unless the content of the message is a glowing piece of prose on your boss being “the absolute tits,” is to do so from a secure line. We were able to protect the innocent this time, but in the event you’ve got a slightly sharper PI among the ranks, do yourself a favor and don’t create such a blatant e-trail. If you need an added level of security and would like to call it in, we can be reached at the office at 212-334-1871 ex. 5, or shoot something brief to the text line at 973-495-0177.
What a cock bag
what a stupid slore
What’s Greg’s extension? Just curious.
Bess,
Let’s play “just the tip”
-Cody Willard
Thanks for answering the question of why a few threads have been nuked without explanation.
Dear Bess,
I really love your work and the various concepts you bring forward every day. Also kudos to Greg over at the hard news desk. He is very inciteful. Anyway there’s been quite a buzz over here about some of your posts re “hooker-fucking” [love it!!!] and scoring blow in the cafeteria. Anyway, we’d like in on some of that [summadat!] and were wondering could you provide us with the particulars of some of these concepts. Did I say I really love your tags?
Sincerely
A. Caveman
acuomo@ag.state.ny.gov
Do you think they have a good PI at the Community Bank in Paxawachatti, I’m just curious.
-Motor Branch Teller
ron blarney totally would’ve responded to that email.
@3 – No, it’s supposed to go:
“Hi Bess,
I’ve been receiving some internal inquiries re: Greg’s posts on Dealbreaker.
Are they in relation to anything anyone cares about, ever? If so, can you provide me with some background on who actually cares? I find this rather entertaining (I’m new to the concept of ‘Greg’s Posts’) and hope to discuss further with him on his private telephone extension.
Thanks,
[Redacted]
[Redacted]@ZeroHedge.com”
Hope this helps.
@6 ftw
What do YOU mean, “you people?”
Al Pacino
You maybe asking right now as a potential employee of Handbridge Capital Partners will I be judged if I rip my shirt off and engage in a challenge of gastrointestinal fortitude?
No, you will be celebrated and probably promoted is successful.
I am working with legal right now to structure a challenge honoring “Hotel Reciept Guy”. Initial thoughts are 3 12″ Subway Meatball Sandos in 33 minutes. You must include mayo or mustard, lettuce or onions.
Dear Beth:
Lemme know what I can do to help ya here. Maybe your readers could funnel their tips to me first, and den I can send ‘em right ova dare, to you.
Ya see, I’m a COLUMNIST, a serious, world renowned journalist, and I know how to keep my high level sources confidential. I know how to keep my lips zipped up, fuckin’ tight! I’d never squeal.
- CG
PS – I got really pumped this morning at the gym, and I have a new book coming out soon.
I drink Muscle Milk everyday for lunch so I can keep my ridiculously ripped physique.
CG
@14/pfluger
Your animus toward CG is unrivaled–and highly entertaining.
Beth, you filthy animal liar. Here’s a tip: burn.
-biff
Dear Bess -
Did you know that the original Lassie’s real name was “Pal”?
Your friend,
DK (collie_luvr@aol.com)
I love lamp!
Drop a dime but use your favorite ***’s phone, email etc.
what a dumb fucking bitch. did she really think that was going to work?
they’ve got some geniues at gmac.
That GMAC whore needs to go back to whore island.
The Glute Punisher
@16:
Thanks. But no animus. I love that Jabroni. Just like the NY Post is incomplete w/o Cindy Adams, so CNBC is incomplete without The Raging Bull of finance.
@3 3″. Barely beats the bernster
@13/naked
gotta make it local and colorful. I’m thinking 10 (single) shackburgers in an hour. I do agree that sprints are more entertaining than marathons
i love picturing redacted writing this email and thinking “they’re going to walk right into my trap.”
that bitch is a dirty pirate hooker. im gonna punch her in the mouth
Bess,
I thought I was your snack pack
@26 Never heard of it. Havent lived in NYC since 2003, sounds interesting though.
@27 I also love picturing redacted writing the email. In my mind shes about 36, single, slightly overweight, probably has been on again off again with Jenny Craig the past 23 months also she works out at Curves 2 times a week. For some reason I can’t shake the image of redacted having a horrible itchy yeast infection, the kind where she has to squirm back and forth in her chair during the day to make the itching stop. I could be wrong, but thats just MHO.
“If you can nod…don’t talk.
If you can talk…don’t write.
but never ever e-mail”
-E Spitzer
Someone in “fuck me boots” from HR is livid and now trolling the hallways at GMAC…
-fake GMAC analyst
to bad you couldn’t mess w her a bit, by finding out who her boss was and sending her that name…just sayin
@ 30, you could be a bit too generous. I agree with the physical attributes and workout schedule but I’m thinking she hasn’t gotten laid since college. Also thinks she is bitter about life ingeneral and doesn’t have much more than her job in her life…..and her cats.
dumb bitch… if she was halfway intelligent she would have googled vending machhine challenge, and then if she was devious at all she would have asked for a name/office under the eguise of setting up an inter-office challenge
[Redacted]Clops!
@34 …and don’t forget the elastic waistband pants for when she goes home after a long day of sleuthing/crushing lean cuisines to reward herself with a half-gallon of ice cream while watching desperate housewives
@37 you think Desparate Housewives? Redacted strikes me more as a Gilmore Girls via Netflix type of gal.
@35 not to defend her, but there was no need to google anything, as she knows exactly what the VMC is, and was trying to act dumb so bess would give her info.
@38 know how i know you’re gay? you know the subtle differences between a chick who watches desperate housewives and one who watches gilmore girls.
@40 that’s gay?
@NS I believe you were just invited to a try out for the other team.
at 38- You forgot about GOssip Girl
Three words: One Tree Hill
@ NS – they’re just jealous you’re batting for the other team.
Was busy today and just saw this but thank you ladies (and gentleman) for making my day.
Btw I’m thinking we got ourselves a Breyers girl, no Ben & Jerrys or Hagen Daas for this one, no way, far too high in fat.
Lets just hope there’s no LuLu Lemon/SoLo pants anywhere near this (ht @36) [redacted]CLOPS, for everyone’s sake.