$$$ “The financial system nearly collapsed,” the buzzed man in the bar told me, “because smart guys had started working on Wall Street.” [NYT]

$$$ Allen Stanford coughed up blood today. [AP]

$$$ Liz Claman: “If Yahoo fan groups spring up around us [because we’re hot], that’s great. But it’s so tertiary to us. We are interested in communicating to viewers about money.” [Poynter]

$$$ Group Of Nuns Attacks Goldman Over Large Bonuses [BI]

Since Bill Gates handed over the reigns to Steve Ballmer, Microsoft has been searching for a polarizing figure to become synonymous with the brand. Somebody that can compete with Steve Jobs and Apple, become the face of the franchise, and stand for everything the company believes in. To help promote the release of Windows 7, Microsoft may have finally found who they’ve been looking for: the Griffin family.

Taking its inspiration from Texaco Star Theater, a Milton Berle-hosted 1950s variety show that was television’s first big hit, the computer giant is teaming with “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane to sponsor a 30-minute show to air on the Fox network next month.

The show will run without commercials, and promises to feature “unique Windows 7-branded programming that blends seamlessly with show content.”

With any luck, in a few short months the addition of the Griffin household to the Microsoft team will allow Steve Ballmer to kick back and declare ‘victory is mine’. And celebrate by enjoying a piece of his favorite pie. Heavy on the Cool Whip.

Timmy G must be longing for the days when all he had to answer for was being tricked by Turbo Tax into not paying his taxes. According to Neil Barofsky, TG already has $168 million in AIG retention bonus dirty money on his hands and is on pace to add $198 million more. The rage stems from last March when “a failure of oversight by Treasury” led to multi-million pay days for executives of bailout champion AIG. But that was March when everybody was worried about Dow 5,000, not breaking out the confetti in celebration of Dow 10,000. This was back in the day when some people thought the economy really was going off a cliff. It’s not like he really had the time to deal with minor details like who at AIG was being paid what.

Unlike some people we don’t care where this thing closes. What we’d instead like you to do is predict the number of times, from the second this post goes up until the closing bell, our favorite business network verbally* mentions “Dow 10,000.” Don’t know what the prize will be for whoever gets it closer without going over but it’s gonna be good. For those of you with booze on hand, feel free to take this thing to its obvious drinking game conclusion and then bill us for the trip to the ER to have your stomach pumped.

“What do you mean it’s not important?! This is the god damn cat’s ass! Fuck you! Give me something! Don’t we screen these guests beforehand?! Jesus.” Also good: “How many of us think we’re going to close above 10,000? Gimme a show of hands. Get those things in the air.”

One of the many lessons Bernie left behind is that it pays to hedge. It helps to prevent mild irritants like losing everything you had when the guy you entrusted all of your assets to turns out to be more of a masterful liar and thief than an investment demigod. But if you elected not to hedge the first time around, you probably will the next time. Two people burned by King Ponz have apparently learned their lesson and are hedging their exposure to the next phase of the Madoff saga, the lawsuit free-for-all.

It’s not just the Wall St/Main St. strife creating a cleavage issue. There is a revolution brewing. Battles lines are being drawn in the sand. Personal legacies are on the line. Indeed, some states believe that the time has finally come to test whether or not the recovery can walk on its own two legs without its PR firm cheering it on. The time has come to stop the stimulus signs.

“The more we reflected on it, the more we realized they were absolutely right: it’s not the best use of the money,” said (press secretary for the Georgia Department of Transportation David) Spear, who added that the decision would save tens of thousands of dollars that could be spent on more construction work.

But surely there must have been some method to the madness of carpet bombing the country with $1200 a piece signs.

Fucking women. It’s not that financial services firms in the UK don’t want to employ them, or think they couldn’t do just as bang-up a job as the men. This is not one of those situations.* The Brits love the ladies and would like nothing than more to hire them, and maybe maul them a little on the job. And therein lies the problem. Not with the grabbing of asses, per se. Nothing wrong with that. The issue is with the obscene potential pay-out these chippies could collect in the event their colleagues or superiors decide through no fault of their own to get pawsy.

Whoever came closest to 1:22 without going over, please get in touch to collect your prize at this time. Over at CNBC they had the story queued up and ready to go before we “breached” 10k, obit-style.

Goldman’s chief economist may call for a collective deep breath when it comes to the costs of the financial crisis, but for the EU, the collective itself may be the problem over the coming years. The European Commission has raised the deficit alert level for the U.K., Spain, Ireland, Greece and Latvia to “serious concern” for their efforts trying to avoid a complete economic meltdown. Having avoided disaster for now, the fiscal five of concern now get to focus on their new status quo in which “avoiding exponentially increasing debts is a policy challenge already in a medium-term perspective.” While a situation like that could also be an issue for the US, unless we’re going to potentially kick states out of the union for piling on obscene levels of debt, it’s Washington’s problem. However, to keep your EU membership card, there are standards.

Here are five statements recently made by five different money managers:

* You will get your Q3 letter before the end of Q4

* No, I’m not retiring so that I can start Long Island’s first tobacco plantation

* Ball parking it, our assets under management are in the range of this figure

* If you fucksticks don’t get it together I’m going to seriously consider eliminating KFC Fridays.

* Trust me, the 3&50 is worth it. You’re on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

According to a new study, one of them is a lie.

So that we’re all prepared for the balloons, streamers, and Maria Bartiromo, jumping out of a cake on the floor of the stock exchange, please predict when, down to the minute, this thing is happening. Is today at 12:47? Tomorrow at 3:15? Look into your crystal balls and let us know. The first to guess correctly will win either the last pair of Money Crocs we have left, or the opportunity to accompany me when I interview Christine Mancision, the girl who was nearly danced to death (I left her a voicemail at Luxor Capital and I’m confident she’ll want to discuss this thing further).

Say you’ve fleeced some local banks and credit unions out of 200k. It’s not a fortune, but given how hard you had to work for it, it’ll do. But the authorities are on to you and you have to make a run for it. You decide to make a run for the border- but which border? Even though you’re in Seattle and Canada is a stone’s throw away, you decide to head for warmer weather and Mexico. You hit the border and floor it to Cancun just in time for spring break. You’ve done it. The authorities can’t find you and you’re living the life. In fact, you’re having such a good time, you want all your friends to know about it. So you update your Facebook page and throw in some pearls of wisdom you’ve stumbled upon since arriving in Mexico.

8:59 Music hold. (Mozart? Whatever it is it sounds regal.)

9:03 CFO Mike Cavanagh in the house. “Great strength” in investment bank. Reading of the slides.

9:07 Wamu integration going “nicely.”

9:20 In the investment bank “we’re seeing great results in the markets biz.” Retail financial services side: “under pressure. Nothing new here.”

9:25 We’re “hearing” a lot of stuff about possible regulatory changes. We’re confident we’ll be able to handle whatever the gov throws our way.

JPMorgan Reports $3.6 Billion Profit For Third Quarter (BW)
Sayeth Jamie Dimon: “”Our net income of $3.6 billion in the quarter reflected the strong earnings power of the company, with broad-based growth across the Investment Bank, Asset Management, Commercial Banking and Retail Banking. However, credit costs remain high and are expected to stay elevated for the foreseeable future in the Consumer Lending and Card Services loan portfolios. Accordingly, we have added $2.0 billion to our consumer credit reserves, bringing the firmwide total to $31.5 billion, or 5.3%1 of total loans. Tier 1 Common Capital, another key element of our fortress balance sheet, was also strengthened through capital generation during the quarter, to $101 billion, or 8.2%.”

Wall Street On Track To Award Record Pay (WSJ)
An estimated $143,400 on average, up almost $2,000 from 2007 levels.

BofA Emails Show Pique at U.S. Over Dividends (WSJ)
Some emails show that apparently a few people at BofA weren’t happy with the government’s request to “screw shareholders.”

Who Wants A RBS Branch? (FT)
The bank has 300 or so to give away.

Blackstone See “More Than Green Shoots” Of Recovery (Reuters)
“We can certainly do transactions in the $3-$4 billion range at this stage in the cycle,” Stephen Schwarzman said yesterday. “And with low leverage involved, deals of that size can use in excess of $1 billion equity.”

Geithner Aides Reaped Millions Working for Banks, Hedge Funds (Bloomberg)
Gene Sperling got $887,727 from Goldman Sachs and $158,000 for speeches mostly to financial companies (including Allen Stanford’s firm) last year; Lee Sachs, reported more than $3 million in salary and partnership income from Mariner Investment Group.

Kitchen worker among AIG staff who received ‘retention bonuses’ (FT)
$7,700 in cash. And Ken Feinberg wants it back.