Have you ever wanted to learn how to kill a person with your bare hands, as a matter of self-defense or just cause? Are you going to be in Vegas the weekend of the 14th? I am and I thought we could take this class together, which comes highly recommended by the “senior staff” at Goldman.*
Good afternoon,Las Vegas’ Tim Larkin is teaching Investment Bankers ‘How to Kill’ as a method of self defence at a closed-venue in Las Vegas on 14th and 15th November. He has taught senior staff of Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, Deutche Bank and Credit Suisse and also Scotland Yard.
“Investment Bankers also need to be able to protect themselves against attacks with sharp-edged weapons particularly when travelling to emerging markets,” says Tim Larkin. “Target Focus Training also improves mental agility which is fundamental for success in business.”When approached by one or multiple attackers, Larkin says “We have only 5 seconds to act to save our lives. Passivity and negotiation is not an option if you want to survive. Ultimate violence is.”
If you can’t make it, Charlie Gasparino, author of The Beatin’ That Bear Stearns Took, will be holding his own seminar on the same subject matter the first week of December in the alley behind Tropix, his favorite joint in Rego Park where they have a lax policy on underage drinking. Tuition’s on the house but you’ll need to buy him a week’s worth of martini’s afterward. Bring your own crowbar. No pussies.
Wall Streeters Can Get Special Lesson In ‘How To Kill’ [BI]
*It’s unclear if that includes Lloyd Blankfein, though presumably not, as he grew up in the Bronx and doesn’t need to be taught shit about how to defend himself.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:17PM
Hahaha, pussy ass sell side bitches need to be taught this shit. My interview involved me shanking 2 wolves and a 6 year old Portuguese boy.
-SAC Trader
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:17PM
WTF, no symposium on dodging shoes?
-Gucci loafer.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:17PM
killing people is the new killing it.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:18PM
This news would've been helpful to be several years ago. thanks.
-eddie l.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:19PM
Will it work against crazy, overweight unattractive, home wrecking production assistants?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:20PM
@5
Only if you have the self control to not have affairs with them.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:23PM
@5 put a mound of jujubees infront of them.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:24PM
@6 ahh, who would find out? I'll do it on the west coast where this stuff happens all the time. DOH.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:26PM
#5 sounds like the bitter bug bit you
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:26PM
"pussy ass sell side bitches" ftw
Posted by pfluger , Oct 23, 2009 4:26PM
I am concerned that providing bankers with the skills to kill multiple attackers will be misused, and result in excessive risk taking.
I am proposing that the course be restricted to training bankers to kill a maximum of three attackers simultaneously, with annual limits yet to be decided.
-Ken Feinberg
Posted by NakedShort , Oct 23, 2009 4:27PM
My Mom bought me a rape whistle with my initials engraved on the side when I graduated college to take care of situations like this.
Haven't used it live yet but I do find myself reenacting the scene from Titanic where Rose blows on the lifevest whistle to alert the search party her and Jack are near quite a bit.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:28PM
@11 FTW
Posted by Anal_yst , Oct 23, 2009 4:29PM
Just make sure not to use your newfound skills in the workplace; there, conflicts will be decided either in the Octagon, or with Sock'em Boppers.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:31PM
How many notables do you think this scoops up? I'd say the over/under is 6, bye Chris Dodd.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/33452864
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:33PM
Killing people is the next growth area for investment banks or is this training for next year's bonus pool allocations?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:33PM
@15 we're talking about ripping people's faces off. stfu and focus.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:34PM
pfft, i grew up in queens, went to high school in the bronx, and worked in crown heights. bring it, "emerging market" bitches
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:35PM
I prefer to club dem to death with my schlong.
CG
Posted by Alphaholic_Anonymous , Oct 23, 2009 4:35PM
Kids from public IBD need this more than anyone.
Posted by Juan Maria Fernandez y Krohn , Oct 23, 2009 4:36PM
If only I took this class... what a success I'd have been...
Posted by pfluger , Oct 23, 2009 4:36PM
Where is CG? This type of a story is screaming for CG's expertise in the subject matter.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:37PM
19 ftw
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:37PM
according to his bio, Tim Larkin was taught by........ CG!!
Posted by Inside the Buyside , Oct 23, 2009 4:41PM
@10,
Depends. Over the years, with NYC and London based i-bankers, I've had meetings in some pretty sketchy places (Bogota, Rio, Johannesburg, Moscow, etc.). Some of these folks were savvy.
Of course some had security, some were just stupid and others talked tough but would likely become incontinent if, on the street, an overly aggressive twelve-year old went for their wallet.
-ITB
Posted by pfluger , Oct 23, 2009 4:41PM
Ha. It was just a matter of time....
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:41PM
killing it is the new killing it.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:41PM
How about classes to defend yourself if Jeff Chiang runs into you with a football tackle?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:42PM
Is there a weirder mental image than LB doing a Crane kick to Ken Feinberg's face?
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:44PM
Kill a man and just use the World Series Defense
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:44PM
I heard Chaz will be conducting a lat torture class at 24 hour fitness the same weekend.
-big hairy muscled mole filled backs FTW
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:44PM
I prefer passive aggression. Effing with people's mentals is great.
Posted by JD , Oct 23, 2009 4:44PM
Whenever I have to kill a person with my bare hands, I just push a button.
Usually, though, I kill them with my deadly good looks and murderous charm.
Posted by Kenny Lew , Oct 23, 2009 4:47PM
Hope there aren't too many current or former BofA IB folks in attendance. I don't think they like me very much.
Maybe I should attend. I've got the asphxiation stuff down pat and could always add to my repertoire.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:48PM
Only fucking virgin sturgeons is the new new killing it.
Dennis Kneale
Posted by Demian Maia , Oct 23, 2009 4:49PM
Laughing out loud...
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 4:51PM
Pshh, just read the below and you're good to go.
http://www.alexvayner.com/how-to-win-a-street-fight/
Posted by pfluger , Oct 23, 2009 4:54PM
This year's bonus will be distributed in the form of heavy socks filled with coinage and/or brass knuckles with the BoA/Merril company logo embossed.
- Director of Corporate Security/Payroll
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 5:00PM
@12/NS - ...come back... come back...
Posted by CG , Oct 23, 2009 5:07PM
Mocking Rego Park is a very very bad idea.... ....Stick to your hood in South Williamsburg.
_ CG
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 5:15PM
HaHaHa.
One or two self-defense seminars does not a killing-machine make.
TGFD is really looking forward to the seeing the first pissed-off MainStreeter step up to test those well-honed skills.
Obviously the shitcake bankers must be getting nervous, because something must be going on that we don't know about.
Chairman MAObama and all that White House staff trash talk about "justice at the end of a gun barrel" likely is causing anxiety among the best and brightest.
Keep whooping-it-up at Goldman; maybe the new breed of American Maoists will think 85 Broad might be a good place to start testing their theories.
Wouldn't that be fun to watch.
The Guy from Delaware
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 5:17PM
@40 the rego park bit has been a long running joke on db for several years, which chaz actually referenced a few weeks ago on fast money.
Posted by stevie c , Oct 23, 2009 5:23PM
I had to fire my bodyguard/driver so I'm there.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 5:24PM
I kill people by slitting their throats with crisp $100 bills
- B. Franklin
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 5:32PM
@ 41 stfu Joe Biden, don't you have fake eyelashes to put on or another gaff to make?
Posted by Joe Mac , Oct 23, 2009 6:42PM
I'm the foot fucking master. Got my technique down and everything. Don't be ticklin' or nothing!
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 7:39PM
Among other things, Bess will graduate with a black belt in ultimate phisting.
Well, back to the arena.
Posted by guest , Oct 23, 2009 9:27PM
@47 you mean the asylum?
Posted by SonnyListon , Oct 24, 2009 8:28PM
I knew one Marine and one Legionnaire back in the good old Cold War who could laugh their asses off at this clown and kill him or any of his Securitized Stooges in a hell of a lot less time than 5 seconds. But I am sure he teaches them to explode violently while also watching the new CNBC app on their phones.
Posted by Becky Boot Fan , Oct 26, 2009 8:44AM
@30, ...and blame it on the Riot Juice.
Posted by Jimmay , Oct 30, 2009 10:19PM
Man these guys could learn somthing by going to dealtutor.com and getting some investment banking training.