Have you ever wanted to learn how to kill a person with your bare hands, as a matter of self-defense or just cause? Are you going to be in Vegas the weekend of the 14th? I am and I thought we could take this class together, which comes highly recommended by the “senior staff” at Goldman.*
Good afternoon,
Las Vegas’ Tim Larkin is teaching Investment Bankers ‘How to Kill’ as a method of self defence at a closed-venue in Las Vegas on 14th and 15th November. He has taught senior staff of Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan, Deutche Bank and Credit Suisse and also Scotland Yard.
“Investment Bankers also need to be able to protect themselves against attacks with sharp-edged weapons particularly when travelling to emerging markets,” says Tim Larkin. “Target Focus Training also improves mental agility which is fundamental for success in business.”
When approached by one or multiple attackers, Larkin says “We have only 5 seconds to act to save our lives. Passivity and negotiation is not an option if you want to survive. Ultimate violence is.”
If you can’t make it, Charlie Gasparino, author of The Beatin’ That Bear Stearns Took, will be holding his own seminar on the same subject matter the first week of December in the alley behind Tropix, his favorite joint in Rego Park where they have a lax policy on underage drinking. Tuition’s on the house but you’ll need to buy him a week’s worth of martini’s afterward. Bring your own crowbar. No pussies.
Wall Streeters Can Get Special Lesson In ‘How To Kill’ [BI]
*It’s unclear if that includes Lloyd Blankfein, though presumably not, as he grew up in the Bronx and doesn’t need to be taught shit about how to defend himself.
Hahaha, pussy ass sell side bitches need to be taught this shit. My interview involved me shanking 2 wolves and a 6 year old Portuguese boy.
-SAC Trader
WTF, no symposium on dodging shoes?
-Gucci loafer.
killing people is the new killing it.
This news would’ve been helpful to be several years ago. thanks.
-eddie l.
Will it work against crazy, overweight unattractive, home wrecking production assistants?
@5
Only if you have the self control to not have affairs with them.
@5 put a mound of jujubees infront of them.
@6 ahh, who would find out? I’ll do it on the west coast where this stuff happens all the time. DOH.
#5 sounds like the bitter bug bit you
“pussy ass sell side bitches” ftw
I am concerned that providing bankers with the skills to kill multiple attackers will be misused, and result in excessive risk taking.
I am proposing that the course be restricted to training bankers to kill a maximum of three attackers simultaneously, with annual limits yet to be decided.
-Ken Feinberg
My Mom bought me a rape whistle with my initials engraved on the side when I graduated college to take care of situations like this.
Haven’t used it live yet but I do find myself reenacting the scene from Titanic where Rose blows on the lifevest whistle to alert the search party her and Jack are near quite a bit.
@11 FTW
Just make sure not to use your newfound skills in the workplace; there, conflicts will be decided either in the Octagon, or with Sock’em Boppers.
How many notables do you think this scoops up? I’d say the over/under is 6, bye Chris Dodd.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/33452864
Killing people is the next growth area for investment banks or is this training for next year’s bonus pool allocations?
@15 we’re talking about ripping people’s faces off. stfu and focus.
pfft, i grew up in queens, went to high school in the bronx, and worked in crown heights. bring it, “emerging market” bitches
I prefer to club dem to death with my schlong.
CG
Kids from public IBD need this more than anyone.
If only I took this class… what a success I’d have been…
Where is CG? This type of a story is screaming for CG’s expertise in the subject matter.
19 ftw
according to his bio, Tim Larkin was taught by…….. CG!!
@10,
Depends. Over the years, with NYC and London based i-bankers, I’ve had meetings in some pretty sketchy places (Bogota, Rio, Johannesburg, Moscow, etc.). Some of these folks were savvy.
Of course some had security, some were just stupid and others talked tough but would likely become incontinent if, on the street, an overly aggressive twelve-year old went for their wallet.
-ITB
Ha. It was just a matter of time….
killing it is the new killing it.
Is there a weirder mental image than LB doing a Crane kick to Ken Feinberg’s face?
Kill a man and just use the World Series Defense
I heard Chaz will be conducting a lat torture class at 24 hour fitness the same weekend.
-big hairy muscled mole filled backs FTW
I prefer passive aggression. Effing with people’s mentals is great.
Whenever I have to kill a person with my bare hands, I just push a button.
Usually, though, I kill them with my deadly good looks and murderous charm.
Hope there aren’t too many current or former BofA IB folks in attendance. I don’t think they like me very much.
Maybe I should attend. I’ve got the asphxiation stuff down pat and could always add to my repertoire.
Only fucking virgin sturgeons is the new new killing it.
Dennis Kneale
Laughing out loud…
Pshh, just read the below and you’re good to go.
http://www.alexvayner.com/how-to-win-a-street-fight/
This year’s bonus will be distributed in the form of heavy socks filled with coinage and/or brass knuckles with the BoA/Merril company logo embossed.
- Director of Corporate Security/Payroll
@12/NS – …come back… come back…
Mocking Rego Park is a very very bad idea…. ….Stick to your hood in South Williamsburg.
_ CG
HaHaHa.
One or two self-defense seminars does not a killing-machine make.
TGFD is really looking forward to the seeing the first pissed-off MainStreeter step up to test those well-honed skills.
Obviously the shitcake bankers must be getting nervous, because something must be going on that we don’t know about.
Chairman MAObama and all that White House staff trash talk about “justice at the end of a gun barrel” likely is causing anxiety among the best and brightest.
Keep whooping-it-up at Goldman; maybe the new breed of American Maoists will think 85 Broad might be a good place to start testing their theories.
Wouldn’t that be fun to watch.
The Guy from Delaware
@40 the rego park bit has been a long running joke on db for several years, which chaz actually referenced a few weeks ago on fast money.
I had to fire my bodyguard/driver so I’m there.
I kill people by slitting their throats with crisp $100 bills
- B. Franklin
@ 41 stfu Joe Biden, don’t you have fake eyelashes to put on or another gaff to make?
I’m the foot fucking master. Got my technique down and everything. Don’t be ticklin’ or nothing!
Among other things, Bess will graduate with a black belt in ultimate phisting.
Well, back to the arena.
@47 you mean the asylum?
I knew one Marine and one Legionnaire back in the good old Cold War who could laugh their asses off at this clown and kill him or any of his Securitized Stooges in a hell of a lot less time than 5 seconds. But I am sure he teaches them to explode violently while also watching the new CNBC app on their phones.
@30, …and blame it on the Riot Juice.
Man these guys could learn somthing by going to dealtutor.com and getting some investment banking training.