Oh, to be Vikram Pandit. Not only are you devastatingly handsome but you’re at the helm of the world’s most successful financial services company in the world to boot. You and your shop are the catch of Wall Street. Everyone– and I do mean everyone– wants a piece of your shit, even (especially) Grade A slabs of meat, like, for instance, Goldman Sachs and that adorable little Jew they’ve got running the place. Such great power over the poontang, however, is not without drawbacks. Because you get propositioned more times before lunch than most CEOs do in a lifetime, you inevitably have to turn some offers down (we can’t have that thing breaking off on us). But you’ve got to do it gently because 1) you do not want anyone keying your car and 2) you never know when you’re going to wanna put that piece of A in rotation.
Blankfein was reading an e-mail when John Rogers, Goldman’s chief of staff, arrived. As they were reviewing their own battle plans, Geithner called. In his usual impatient tone, he insisted that Blankfein immediately call Vikram Pandit, Citigroup’s C.E.O., and begin merger discussions. Blankfein, surprised at the directness of the request, agreed he would place the call.
“Well, I guess you know why I’m calling,” Blankfein said when he reached Pandit a few minutes later.
“No, I don’t,” Pandit replied with genuine puzzlement.
There was an awkward pause on the phone. Blankfein had assumed that the Fed had pre-arranged the call. “Well, I’m calling you because at least some people in the world might be thinking that combining our firms would be a good idea,” he said.
After another few moments of uncomfortable silence Pandit finally replied, “I want you to know I’m flattered by this call.”
Blankfein now began to wonder if Pandit was putting him on. “Well, Vikram,” he said briskly, “I’m not calling with any flattery towards you in mind.”
[...]
Geithner was by now seriously miffed. He had been trying to reach Pandit since eight in the morning and had just heard back from Blankfein, who had somehow actually managed to get through to Pandit again. The only problem was that Pandit had turned Goldman down, and Geithner hadn’t even had a chance to speak with him.
Finally, he got through.
“I haven’t been able to reach you for four hours,” Geithner barked into the phone. “That’s unacceptable on a day like today!”
Apologizing, Pandit explained that he had been talking to his team about the Goldman proposal, which they had ultimately rejected. “We’re concerned about taking on Goldman,” Pandit said, trying to explain his rationale for turning them down. “I don’t need another trillion dollars on my balance sheet.”
Geithner could only laugh to himself–Pandit should have been so lucky as to own Goldman. “This is a bank,” Pandit said. “And a bank takes deposits and a bank has a prudency culture. I cannot envision a bank taking its deposits and investing them all in hedge funds. I know that’s not what Goldman is, but the perception is that they’d be taking deposits and putting them to work against a proprietary trade. That can’t be right philosophically!”
“Vik its Lloyd is there any possible way we could borrow your deposit base for 9 months or so? We’ll give it right back, swearsies”
Bess is going tag-crazy today
Where’s that picture from, Vito Corleone’s funeral? Is that Tessio cutting a deal with him? Well, Lloyd’s gonna settle scores with all of the five, right after his godson’s bris.
Bess, are you horny today? Your writing is even more vivid than usual.
CG
Hahaha….Blankfein.
Vikram Pandit: See, this is the good part, Lloyd. This is when the job gets fun! Ask… and you shall receive!
Prince Alwaleed: [dancing along] Right…
Vikram Pandit : You play ball… we play ball. I knoowwww… you want the goodies!
Prince Alwaleed: Welcome to the goodie room!
Vikram Pandit : You paying attention? I’m talking… G5, Lloyd! That’s how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa… playa! Big dick playa!
Prince Alwaleed: Swinging past ya knees!
Vikram Pandit : Big dick, baby!
Prince Alwaleed: Yep.
Charlie must be seething with rage today.
@6 Outstanding.
@7:
Lets hope so. Chaz is at his best when he gets juiced. When he starts “tawkin” really fast, and waving his arms around, he says some really crazy and/or stupid and/or obvious shit. That provides comedic relief.
Chaz provides a very, very valuable service. Its just that Chaz is mistaken as to exactly what role he plays. I think his CNBC handlers are in on the joke, and pump his ego to get him “tawkin.”
Vik: Cut/not?
10,
Seriously?
-Hare Krishnas, 25 1st Ave., New York, NY
Is he really devastatingly handsome? Are you kidding me?
He looks so regal in that pic.
@2 Bess = ARS + VF crazy today!
“Is he really devastatingly handsome? Are you kidding me?”
no, bess would never kid you.
That pic makes him look like a casino owner……oh, wait a minute….
~Sam “Ace” Rothstein
That is some sad shit. The saddest part is that no of these assholes are in jail ….yet..
Sorry to interrupt a truly impressive run, Bess, but you simply must correct the spelling of “poontang” in this piece.
I mean, here I am, sprinting alongside you with my tongue hanging out while you riff at lightning, cocaine-fueled speed on Count Vikula, and then you just go and ruin the ride by misspelling the most important word in the piece.
Shit. I want my money back.
Perhaps Bess’ man just has her conditioned to backdoor action, but generally it’s (the tastiest “it” in the world) called poontang. That or Bess is implying that Vikram plays for the wrong team.
I prefer to think the former.
QPzGUe Really enjoyed this blog.Much thanks again. Will read on…
J2BR9c Major thankies for the blog article.Much thanks again. Cool.