Dick Bové: Bank Of America Should Beg Ken Lewis To Stay

Posted by Bess Levin, Nov 20, 2009, 2:40pm

richardbove.JPGThings have been pretty dark for Dick Bové ever since her man, the “brilliant” Ken Lewis was essentially forced out of his job. Other analysts, the colder, unfeeling ones probably wouldn’t have taken it so personally, but Lewis is Bové’s guy and she can’t help it, this hurts, bad (also, she’s just always been a sensitive and highly strung person). Sorry if that’s too much for you to handle but Ken Lewis meant a lot* to the Rochdale rising star. It felt good and empowering to lose it in a tear-stained note to clients, in which she put the words “No other banker in this country can equal Mr Lewis’s achievements and yet every banker wishes s/he could” out there but it didn’t change anyone’s mind and she’s just felt completely helpless for almost two months now. She knows she should be strong for KL but she just can’t. She’s lost weight, she’s gained weight, she’s gone on booze-fueled sex rampages wherein she’ll fuck the first thing in her line of vision, in an attempt to silence the pain but nothing’s helped.

This morning when she woke up underneath a pile of empty pints of Ben and Jerry’s after crying herself to sleep, she couldn’t even summon the strength to get out of bed. But then, something happened. In the other room, she heard Charlie Gasparino’s voice on CNBC, which she’d left on the night before. Lewis’s name was mentioned and, at first, figuring CG was just going to be talking shit about her man, Bové pulled the covers over her head. Then Chaz started saying something about how the board still hasn’t found a replacement and Divé shot out of bed. She ran into the other room wearing only the oversized tee-shirt bearing Lewis’s face she’d had made a few years ago. Biting her nails in fear that her ears were playing tricks on her, Mrs. Lewis (someday?) rewound the DVR. It was true! BAC still hasn’t come up with an ideal candidate willing to take the job. Feeling like her old self for the first time in a long time, she sat down to write. And write she did.

“Mr. Lewis was a key architect in the creation and management of Bank of America. He knows this company better than anyone else and he knows how to operate it,” Bove wrote in a research note issued early Friday morning. “At this point in the company’s history, this is the type of leader needed. Convincing him to return would be the biggest morale builder that management could get.”

Of course, it’s not going to be easy, Dick conceded. Ken Lewis is a fucking catch any bank with its head screwed on straight would know it would be lucky to have and after the way you pigs treated him? Let’s just say you’ve got your work cut out for you. It won’t be unlike the time Lewis and Bové got into a huge fight over the fact that the analyst saw a couple of flirtatious texts on KL’s phone with another woman, and flew off the handle demanding to know “who the whore is.” Bové really thought he was going to leave that time for good but she was able to summon some real tears and after threatening to kill herself, got Lewis to stay. So something along those lines would probably work, with option B being to “accidentally” get pregnant (something Divé’s also done). Bottom line, you do whatever it takes. No one at Bank of America wants to wake up in two months or two years time and realize they made the biggest mistake of their lives when they let Ken Lewis walk out that door.

*More than you’ll ever know.

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Tags: crazy bitches, Dick Bové, hormonal analysts, Ken Lewis, Ken Lewis is the only one who can do this job, option C: offer anal

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