Earlier this morning, a report came out that Goldman Sachs, after promising to pay the vet bills and find homes for five kittens discovered on the site of their new headquarters this past August, had neither paid the bills nor found houses for those cats. Now, like magic, Goldman has put out a statement* that the vet has been paid off, and the cats adopted. And that got us thinking– for a while now Goldman has been uncharacteristically trying to ingratiate itself to the public, and after this weekend’s latest attempt kind of backfired, they’re getting desperate. The old Goldman wouldn’t have thought twice about being accused of leaving those pussies out the cold but the new Goldman, sensitive to the hate, make it its first priority to squash any indication that they are anything but saintly. They want to keep us happy and they seem to be going to great lengths to make that happen. Basically we’ve got them right where we want them and I’d like to see what else we can get out of them.
Did Lloyd Blankfein promise you penthouse? A visit to the secret underground lair where he and Paulson (John, Hank has no business being there) decide the fate of all humanity, just so you could say you’ve been there? Dinner with Alan Greenspan? The answer to where he’s hiding Osama Bin Laden? Tim Geithner, at your birthday party, for the dunk tank portion of the evening? Whatever he’s failed to make good on, let us know now and we’ll see if we can shame them into making it happen.
*Naturally, it was noted by the Masters that “they are now the luckiest kittens in Manhattan,” because even cats know if you’re going to be adopted you want to get taken in by a Goldman employee and not some Citi or Bank of America riff-raff of an owner.
LB promised me he would grow a mustache and give free mustache rides to the masses.
He promised me a rose garden. In the sunshine.
He promised me that I’d never have to wait in line again. No wait, that was his wife.
They promised me all sorts of pussy when I was an AG, now they are giving them away.
~Ness S.
he promised me a zen garden.
-vp
I hate the people who try to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy
Of a welfare Christmas
Can we get LB to rock this Everclear song at the GS christmas party?
no no, seriously, we here at GS LOVE pussy, to insinuate anything to the contrary is a sin against The Lloyd himself.
–LVP
This January, as my 6 young children, all under 7, huddled next to each other, bundled in their snuggies keeping warm because I try to maintain the thermostat at 50F, I realized while looking at their innocent and adorable faces, that it is my duty, my generation’s duty, to do more to secure their future.
My children and I worked on our allotment all through the spring and early summer, to grow strawberries and various early summer fruit to sell by the roadside, to raise money for diesel to drive our VW wagon 1,843 miles to the Third International Conference on Climate Change in Washington, DC.
It was a long journey–2 weeks to get there and back– but a journey well spent, because as my 9 little babies and I stood outside the conference, praying for some dignitary to give us an answer, or hope that they were working on an answer, a kind man, gentle bald man wearing a Hermes tie with bicycles on it, came to my weary children and me and made a promise.
That man was Lloyd Blankfein. And Lloyd Blankfein vowed to me and each and every one of my kids that he would solve Global warming.
It’s been since June and my babies are back in their snuggies. We have heard nothing since. My children often cry to sleep at night, “Momma, why has the man with the Hermes tie not solved Global Warming yet?”
I cry to sleep at night myself, because I don’t know what to tell them.
A football helmet filled with cottage cheese.
Well I was promised they’d get rid of Lehman Brothers and I got no complaints.
Let’s see $50Bn in no-strings cash + $12Bn thru AIG makes $62Bn
So 5 cats = $62Bn in goodwill making each cat worth $12.4Bn.
Invest in cats
Bess: Remind Lloyd of the special promise he made to YOU for your birthday. You remember…. the foursome in his secret inner office: Lloyd in a French maid’s outfit, Stevie Cohen groveling at your feet, and Chazzy G. in a negligee doing pull-ups at your command, while you lord it over them in a chair made of crushed egos and the broken dreams of your competitors..
@11 Or, invest in kitten mittens…
@13, 11…or http://www.dicktowel.com
Why do Jews always promise to pay for something even though they never really intend to actually pay?
Dear Lloyd,
Please, for the love of god and money, fire your entire PR department and hire me instead. Where did you find these people?
Good News: The 5 Kittens are now adopted.
Bad News: They were adopted by Wen Yui’s Chinese Takeout. Meow!!!
Good News: The 5 Kittens are now adopted.
Bad News: They were adopted by Wen Yui’s Chinese Takeout. Meow!!!
Good News: The 5 Kittens are now adopted.
Bad News: They were adopted by Wen Yui’s Chinese Takeout. Meow!!!
Wow! What are the odds that two other people would post the same dumb joke.
-17
Just talked to an HR rep from GS. Turns out that 1 of the cats had already passed level II of the CFA – they hired him on the spot. Now he has a job & a home…heartwarming story.
They promised to name the kittens Bob, Steve, Jon, Hank and Lloyd. Lloyd is the one with almost no hair.
And they are canceling their Xmas party (courtesy of Crain’s: http://www.crainsnewyork.com/article/20091112/FREE/911129993)
So GS execs can give themselves big fat bonuses, but they don’t want to share it with caterers/waiters/busboys, etc. whose yearly income often depends on holiday parties, eh?
God must be smiling …
Is your cat making too much NOIIISSEE??
Goldman is a Bucket Shop
@23 – Ha haha hahaha
HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!
Next they’re going to be evil because they’re NOT supporting the Las Vegas economy like they used to – they’re not patriots, right? This year you’re SUPPOSED to have holiday parties and hold corporate events in Vegas to support the economy, right? How to solve the image problem . . . hmmm . . . I’ve got it – send former Bear employees and stray kittens, and no one from GS. And tell them to tip BIG . . . .
I heard they are using the cats as visual aids for their clients to indicate to them when we are seeing a “temporary recovery from a prolonged decline or bear market, after which the market continues to fall.”
Apparently one of the cats attempted to take proprietary GS trading code and is now facing felony charges.
The slip of paper read ‘ front-run client trades’
@3 FTW