• 12 Nov 2009 at 11:37 AM

Goldman Sachs Stiffs Kittens

By Bess Levin

Screen shot 2009-11-12 at 11.48.25 AM.pngGoldman Sachs has gone on record to say that contrary to popular belief, the bank does not start each morning by clubbing baby seals in the basement of 85 Broad. Today the progress God’s workers made ingratiating themselves to the animal community is flushed down the toilet, with the news that while marine mammals get a pass, kittens with no place to go? Let them die in the streets, even if they were discovered in GS-owned cathouse.
According to a report by The Villager, five kittens were born this past August in the firm’s not yet completed new headquarters downtown. At the time Goldman said it would pay for the kitties’ vet bills and encourage employees to adopt the furballs. Three months later, none of them have a home, and the cat doctor is still awaiting payment. Now. Truth be told, we personally can understand that not everyone likes cats, as they’re fairly creepy. It’s not like Goldman abandoned a bunch of puppies in which case we’d advise every GS’er to get out of town, ASAP. And, by all accounts, Lloyd’s a parakeet guy. But the fact remains that those jerks used these things to come off all warm and fluffy to the public. What kind of sick fucks would do something like that? Goldman, apparently. They acted like they cared when in fact they don’t give a rat’s ass. This makes Goldman a liar. Capital “L”, small “i”, small “a”, small “r”, period. And now, we need to review everything else they’ve ever told us, and ask ourselves, what else have they been lying about? Maybe they do club baby seals. Maybe, despite what they’ve said, egomaniacs actually are employed at 85B. MAYBE THEY REALLY DID NEED THE TARP MONEY.

Goldman Sachs Charged With Abandoning Kittens [NYM]

Comments (28)

  1. 1
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:38 AM

    God is strong in this one.

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:41 AM

    That’s right, and I’ll eat them if I have to just to show you who’s boss.
    Llaroyd Finkenfein

  3. 3
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:43 AM

    Clawbacks!

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:45 AM

    There is no direct mention of cats in the translated Bible. It is known that the Israelites distrusted everything associated with the Egyptians, who ruled over them. The fact that the Egyptians held cats in such high esteem encouraged the occupied population to despise them almost as much as they hated the occupiers, so this may be the reason why they are not mentioned in the Bible.

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:46 AM

    Cats aren’t allowed in the temple they have to stay outside with the moneychangers and the gentiles.

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:47 AM

    I can has structured CDS?

  7. 7
    Posted by CoveredLong | November 12, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    Wait, you expect GS employees to actually PAY for pussy?
    Just because they played ‘just the tip’ with TARP doesn’t make it a paying for puss government organization…jeez, cut the squid some slack.

  8. 8
    Posted by BSD | November 12, 2009 at 11:49 AM

    Relax, Bess. The kitties are saved: http://ftalphaville.ft.com/blog/2009/11/12/82986/goldman-sachs-saves-kittens-really/?source=rss

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:51 AM

    Lloyd Blankfein told me to feed a kitten to an atm machine.

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:52 AM

    Lloyd whets his beak on a cuttlebone.

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:53 AM

    Don’t get PETA involved.
    http://www.petakillsanimals.com
    PETAs view is pets = slavery = death would be better = kill them all

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:55 AM

    @6 ftw

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:55 AM

    Not one of those cunts could reach out and adopt a furball? Not even one of the fat banker chics that have no life?
    Amazing.

  14. 14
    Posted by NegativeConvexity | November 12, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    I would advise depositing these little pests in a sealed burlap sack and tossing them Olympian Discus style into the Hudson.
    On the other hand, if the momma cat had given birth to a flock of little egrets then i know of a special inmate who would nurture them into fine hedge fund managers…

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:02 PM

    why are the vet bills in the thousands of dollars? why are vets even needed? 46mm Americans are without health care and they’re running up thousands of pounds of cat health bills?! when do vets make house calls to deliver babies?
    i think this story is pr plant. surprise, surprise, the vampire squid rights the wrong in a couple hours. that’s gotta make them look good, doesn’t it?

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:03 PM

    why are the vet bills in the thousands of dollars? why are vets even needed? 46mm Americans are without health care and they’re running up thousands of pounds of cat health bills?! when do vets make house calls to deliver babies?
    i think this story is pr plant. surprise, surprise, the vampire squid rights the wrong in a couple hours. that’s gotta make them look good, doesn’t it?

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    Ever wonder why PETA people always look so young? How so many professed vegans look so plump and healthy? Why Pamela Anderson remains fellatious through the years? PETA = People Eating Their Ancestors. Cannibalism.

  18. 18
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    @4,5 Let us not forget that keeping cats saved many Jews from the black death.
    It’s just a shame that they were not equally effective against the white death.

  19. 19
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:12 PM

    I work out here east of the Front Range on the “13-D Ranch” which is owned by the Goldman folk now and our trail boss, Lefty, come a ridin’ up all in a lather yestiddy and said we’ze gonna get a bunch of cats to take care of and all. Me and Poke and Tom and Stretch had a good laff at that but , no, Lefty said he was serious and all. How does a real cowboy sang to cats at night on the prairie? Poke said he knowed the Meow Mix song so I guess we got to learn it too.
    ~Slim Schenkman
    Wrangler
    13-D Ranch

  20. 20
    Posted by Becky Boot Fan | November 12, 2009 at 12:12 PM

    Lloyd should adopt one and hold it for all photo ops, ala Dr. Evil & Mr. Bigglesworth.

  21. 21
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:18 PM

    @6 I just LOLed at my office. Best post in a while.

  22. 22
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:19 PM

    Why is the “Black Death” referred to as “black”?
    ~Nat X

  23. 23
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:20 PM

    Don’t worry guys. I’ve got the inevitable puppy sitch covered.
    -Dennis “Let Me Just Put a Little Peanut Butter Here” Kneale

  24. 24
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:24 PM

    KITTENCLOPS DOES NOT APPROVE

  25. 25
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:30 PM

    @21. Agreed.

  26. 26
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:39 PM

    awwww @6 the GOLcats

  27. 27
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 12:47 PM

    If you know about hantavirus Slim you know cats is good people.

  28. 28
    Posted by guest | November 12, 2009 at 11:01 PM

    cthulhufein love the kittens

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