Last night we got a piece of devastating news. The Pirate that has stood in the lobby of Pirate Capital’s 800 Connecticut Avenue office in Norwalk has gone missing. That’s right– the mascot who’s been there through it all– through the cockminnow fights on the floor, the trips to PetSmart, the proxy battle tee-shirts, the (spawn of) Michael Bolton years, the (spawn of) Michael Bolton abandonment, the AUM shrinkage, and the Sugar Daddy Days– is no longer. And this got us worried. We hadn’t heard from Tom Hudson and the swashbucklers in quite some time, and despite what we figured were assets under management of about 15-large, and the news that Tommy Boy had literally dug his own grave, we just thought that things would be okay. And then this. Getting rid of a stupid Pirate mascot might not seem like a big deal to some other fund managers but for Tom Hudson and his well known eye-patch fetish, it does not bode well. And it gets worse.
Wanting to make sure everyone was okay, we called up the Jolly Rogers this morning. And apparently, they’re no longer going by the name Pirate Capital at all, which we gleaned by the receptionist answering (I shit you not), “Captain Jack, LLC.” And that obviously raises a whole host of questions– When did the name change go down? Did this have anything to do with Hudson wanting to distance himself from the whole bleeding out the ass business that occurred under the Pirate name? And did he think going with the same theme would be the best idea? Will the Pirate be replaced by a Johnny Depp statue from Madame Tussaud’s? We don’t have any answers at this time (people weren’t in a very friendly mood over there this morning, particularly after I identified myself.) But while we wait for a call back, some great news for any completely desperate job seekers out there. We’re told Captain Jack, LLC is hiring! It’s unclear what positions are available at this time, but it’s pretty obvious that if you’re the spawn of a no-talent assclown you should get your res in ASAP.
R
@1 um what?
investigative journalism ftw!
well, blow me down matey
@2, he meant arrrghhh
I’ll be happy to fill in until they find a replacement Pirate.
I won’t shave, will hoist a brown bottle of rum, wave my sword around, and wear a pointy hat.
Maybe I can sell a few copies of my book while I’m there.
-cg
I’m emailing my resume in as I type this!
-No Talent Assclown
‘eh Bess, ‘ow big er yeh brists?
@5 – I mean what I type, and I type what I mean.
Bess,
Do you have an email address for the resumes? I have a tramp stamp of Captain Morgan on my lower back that I got on shore leave some years ago. I think I might fit in well there.
@8- 34B, like any other self-respecting nice Jewish girl who takes care of herself.
-Someone who knows self-respecting nice Jewish girls who take care of themselves
You gotta mute the talking Cadillac ad. Some of us look at this site at work. Tell your sponsors I saw the ad, I heard the ad, I remember the ad, and I want to buy a Cadillac. They’ll be happy, and I’ll be able to keep visiting the site and drinking MHL from a paper bag.
One morning, I woke up with blood on my comforter. I thought I was menstruating but, alas, the nightman had cometh.
-Ping Jiang, Familiar Associate of Unnecessary Touching
@12
Or you could just turn the volume down on your computer or mute it entirely, but I mean whatever that’d be the smart, easy solution.
no tits+no BJ’s=jew chicks
@14 I need sound for other things. The smart, easy solution is always when you demand someone else do it for you.
Captain Jack, eh? Andrew Lahde is back, Baby! And teamed up with Tom Hudson. Dream team.
@17 what the hell does andrew ladhe have to do with this?
@12 – agreed!
@anal_yst – true enough, but that thing goes off and there is not mute button…why should we get punished (having to turn our machines on mute – can’t hear emails arrive) because some no talent ass clows in gm’s market dept finds it necessary to ambush our computers?
15=racist. examine your motives.
@20, jews arent a race, they are members of a religion, anti-semite, maybe, racist NO.
dumb fuck=@20
this all smells very fishy to me.
@22 nice
@21 = palestinian. examine your motives.
Delaware Sec’y of State notes Captain Jack LLC was formed 2/19/1998 — maybe it’s one of those abandoned pirate ships with a ghost crew. . .
@25 but they didn’t identify themselves as CJ at the time. why now? shady shit.
-mike bolton
@16/cluzo
Waaaaa
@18 – Look up Captain Jack in the Urban Dictionary and then maybe you will understand.
I love BJ’s.
Strong Island chick
Captain Jack will get you high tonight….