• 09 Nov 2009 at 6:04 PM

Stress Test Success, Cult Of Bernanke Says

By

emeter.jpgThe Church of Federal Reservology today proclaimed all but one of the country’s biggest banks clear of all the engrams caused by the late economic crisis.
It took $77 billion–slightly more than the $74.6 billion the Church predicted–worth of auditing sessions, but nine of the 10 biggest banks waylaid in the subway by Church volunteers for complimentary stress tests, and can now begin working towards Operating Thetan status.
The nine are now ready to handle anything (beneath a 10.3% unemployment rate next year*) with a properly analytic mind.


GMAC Financial Services, unfortunately, continues to suffer from a reactive mind and will require more sessions. Happily, the Church is able to report that the auto lender is in talks with federal government with an eye towards having those sessions paid for the taxpayer, and is optimistic than an agreement will be reached and GMAC will successfully resolve its remaining engrams.
* The Church takes issue with proclamations that the unemployment rate has already crested 10%, believing it to be an example of the oppression it is suffering under around the world. Should such an unfortunate event cause new trauma to the nine, the Church stands ready to help them resolve any new engrams, and is pleased to accept TARP funds to cover the costs.
Fed: 9 of 10 large banks met capital goals [Reuters]

Comments (6)

  1. 1
    Posted by Peanut Gallery Member | November 9, 2009 at 6:15 PM

    An E-meter? You are getting there, Shazar.

  2. 2
    Posted by american bandersnatch | November 9, 2009 at 6:43 PM

    Any religion based on that kind of cool technology must be correct.

  3. 3
    Posted by Not Jeff Macke but a fan | November 9, 2009 at 8:00 PM

    @2 – I’m amazed at how that needle moves every time I sit down for a chat with the testers at 42nd St. Many’s the time I have come close to signing on. But they’re gonna have to work for their commission with me.
    Jon,
    At your next physical I’m going to hook you up to all kinds of electrical equipment and tell you you’re fine when in reality that’s only true within a 2 standard deviation range of probabilities.
    -Not JM but a fan

  4. 4
    Posted by JD | November 9, 2009 at 8:30 PM

    Let me tell you, just between us, in reality, Citi is grossly undercapitalized, and I mean, WOW. But Vik has put so much of himself into this, I feel bad for the little guy, I really do. So I put in a good word for him to buy him some time to find a better situation.
    I just hope I did the right thing.

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | November 10, 2009 at 2:32 AM

    better than greggers

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | November 10, 2009 at 11:22 AM

    stress tests that suck