December 2009

  • News

    Opening/Closing/Holiday Bell: 12.31.09

    VIP’s a ‘kinky brute’ (NYP) Aspatuck Holdings CEO Jason Meyer is being sued by his new(ly estranged) wife for, among other things, calling her a bitch and “ejaculating on her face after she refused to refer to herself as his ‘slave’ and tell him he was ‘the most powerful man on earth’ while they were […]

    / Dec 31, 2009 at 12:00 PM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 12.30.09

    $$$ Julian Robertson named New Zealand’s first honorary knight [DP] $$$ The Big Lebowski Gets The Academic Treatment: At times Mr. Owens sounds as if he’s been hitting the minibar himself. He writes about how Leon Trotsky is “doubly implicated” in the White Russian, first because he helped defeat the anti-Communist White Russian army during […]

    / Dec 30, 2009 at 4:30 PM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 12.30.09

    Fund Chief Snared By Taps, Turncoats (WSJ) Tears for only hedge fund manager with the sense of humor to tase his employees and hire midgets as jokes: “That morning, the trading day began early like any other at Galleon’s Madison Avenue offices. Then, an investor who lived in Mr. Rajaratnam’s building called to say he […]

    / Dec 30, 2009 at 11:55 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 12.29.09

    $$$ Hovde Capital Advisors: “We Believe Pershing Square Is Out Of Touch.” [PDF] $$$ Citi: The Bank That Couldn’t Shoot Straight [MarketWatch] $$$ Equity’s Lost Decade: The Offering [Hedge World] $$$ Investors Reshape IndyMac [WSJ] $$$ Delayed gratification is overrated: avoid the temptation to postpone pleasure. JO&C right now! [NYT] $$$ Vote for the best […]

    / Dec 29, 2009 at 5:00 PM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 12.29.09

    The Man Who Wired Silicon Valley (WSJ) The hedge fund community has been (potentially) robbed of a tremendous human being: “At Galleon, Mr. Rajaratnam took his fondness for pranks and dares to a new level. When executives from stun-gun maker Taser International Inc. came to make an investment pitch around 2005, Mr. Rajaratnam offered $5,000 […]

    / Dec 29, 2009 at 10:55 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 12.28.09

    $$$ James Grant Interview: Let The Good Times Roll [NYM] $$$ Charlie Gasparino: New York Needs Wall Street [HuffPo] $$$ JP Morgan may scrap £1.5bn London HQ plan over Labour’s attacks on City: “Jamie Dimon made the coded warning to Alistair Darling in an angry phone call after the Government revealed its 50pc super-tax on […]

    / Dec 28, 2009 at 4:20 PM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 12.28.09

    Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff had dizziness, high blood pressure, not assault injuries (NYDN) Prison officials claim the report that Bernie Madoff had the shit beat out of him last week is false, and that he was hospitalized simply for dizziness. His lawyer/barnyard specialist Ira Sorkin agrees: “The Bureau of Prisons said that report was not […]

    / Dec 28, 2009 at 10:55 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 12.24.09

    $$$ Barclays hands out pay rises to investment bankers (some of 150%) [The Guardian] $$$ Goldman Sachs Responds to The New York Times on Synthetic Collateralized Debt Obligations [GS] $$$ A bunch of former Bear Stearns employees got drunk together in midtown. [Bloomberg] $$$ That’s it for us. We hope everyone has a great vacation, […]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 12:00 PM
  • News

    Paul Tudor Jones’ Christmas Display Still On High Alert

    The Wall Street Journal‘s Alan Murray went up to CT last night to check out the Paul Tudor Jones Christmas Extravaganza Light ShowTM. He encountered a bit of opposition from the cops patrolling the scene. Having made the same trip last year, I can empathize, and also throw out the question, when you’re putting on […]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 11:52 AM
  • News

    UBS: Our Coffee Sucks, Too!

    The Swiss will not be outdone by Goldman or Blackstone: “In keeping with the theme, the coffee at UBS (along with many,many other things) is shit. It tastes like motor oil mixed with bird feces and vinegar. It’s Douwe Egberts and the worst part is the machines cost thousands (3 of them on this floor […]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 11:40 AM
  • News

    Bernie Madoff Gets Sh*t Beat Out Of Him

    Bernie Madoff was treated for “facial fractures, broken ribs and a collapsed lung” earlier this week that prison officials will not confirm was the result of a brawl in the yard but that sources say were “consistent with an assault.” This comes as a shock as we were under the impression Berns could hold his […]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 11:07 AM
  • News

    Robert Benmosche’s Balls Are Bigger Than The Government’s Collective Sack, Says Robert Benmosche

    Since taking over AIG in August, Bobby Benmosche has not minced words about the fact that one of the insurer’s greatest impediment to success are the “crazies” in Washington. He’s also promised to protect his employees from these insane people, at any cost, by sticking government officials in a little locked room and doing unspeakable […]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 10:48 AM
  • News

    Move Over, Beard

    And suck it, Gretchen Morgenson. Here’s the real man of the year. Master of risk who did God’s work for Goldman Sachs but won it little love [FT]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 10:18 AM
  • News

    The Most Important Economic Indicator In The World

    Rose only slightly this year. Recovery? Humbug! All that crap in that annoying Christmas song rose just 0.9% in price this year, buoyed by a 43% increase in gold prices but stymied by a big drop in the price of all kinds of fowl. This year, it would cost $87,402.81 to buy all 78 items.

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 9:52 AM
  • News

    You People Voted For Hubert Humphrey. And You Killed Jesus.

    How very quaint that this surprises you.Well, we know Lloyd and his tribe didn’t kill Jesus. The Romans did. Plus, even if, millennia ago, Blankfein’s forebears had a little hand in getting rid of a certain troublemaker, that would put a big dent in said troublemaker’s claims of divine origin, if you know what we […]

    / Dec 24, 2009 at 9:20 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 12.23.09

    $$$ Dimon, Blankfein, Mack to Testify to Crisis Panel [Bloomberg] $$$ Alexis Glick Leaving Fox Business [BI] $$$ For America’s Santas, It’s Hard to Be Jolly [WSJ] $$$ Beck, Burly, Silver & Gold [HedgeWorld] $$$ Clarium Exec Goes to Hollywood [FINalternatives] $$$ Insurgents 2010: Federal Reserve Board of Governors member, Icahn Enterprises Vice-Chairman, Blackstone senior […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 4:37 PM
  • News

    Crap Coffee Situation Not Unique To Goldman Sachs

    Yesterday we discussed the matter of whether or not the coffee provided by Goldman Sachs to its employees tastes like ass. The consensus from the inside seemed to be yes, it does. Today, emboldened by the brave souls at GS who stood up to say to Lloyd Blankfein, via bitching to the press, “this coffee […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 3:59 PM
  • News

    Something Serious Is Going On With Andrew Cuomo

    So, remember those $165 million in retention bonuses paid to AIGFP employees that a lot of people got their panties in a bunch over earlier this year? So much so that the recipients were guilted into giving the money back? For the most part, they never did (only about $19 million has been forked over). […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 3:26 PM
  • News

    What’s Wrong With Bernie Madoff?

    Berns “F*ck My Victims” Madoff has been moved to a medical facility at the Butner prison he’s been shacking up in since his sentencing. Apparently the Ponz Master has been there for a while, but this is the first anyone’s hearing of the transfer. It’s also unclear as why The Don was relocated, and what […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 2:23 PM
  • News

    This Financial Regulation Reform Bill Sucks

    So says the head of the country’s biggest options exchange, Bill Brodsky: “There are micro-market structure issues – flash orders, short-selling, high-frequency trading – that are being wrapped up into financial regulatory reform in a way that has a lot of political overtones,” he said. “This is something regulators should be dealing with without undue […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 1:56 PM
  • News

    Oracle Cuts Back As Ratings Agencies Cut Back

    Warren Buffett’s a pretty moral guy, we think. He’s old, yes, and thinks that railroads are the future as we enter the year 1910. But he isn’t a cheating bastard. He just invests in them: to wit, his 13% stake in the lying, thieving Moody’s Corp., parent of the august Moody’s Investor Services, one of […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 1:13 PM
  • News

    Jeffrey Epstein Settles With Nearly 1/4 Of Victims

    Four girls down, 14 more to go. Unfortunately the settlements are confidential, so we’re not going to get anymore tales of the massage enthusiast wearing red wigs and lipstick and requesting to be called “Janice” (yet). But we’ll always have this.

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 11:11 AM
  • News

    The People Who Brought You Tim Sykes May Be Back

    Though probably not. FYI, just received the below…Are they back???!! To: From: TRADER MONTHLY Date: Tue, Dec 22, 2009 at 7:05 PM Subject: Your Subscription to TRADER MONTHLY Your subscription order form for Trader Monthly has been accepted and you will start to receive your first magazine in 6-8 weeks.

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 10:53 AM
  • News

    This Recovery Sucks

    God bless us, every one!How are we ever going to continue tricking the Chinese into buying our bonds if we can’t properly fudge our economic data or keep a certain lame-duck Treasury Secretary from exposing the lie? So personal incomes rose 0.4% last month. Great. As with all recent economic indicators, that bit of good […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 10:44 AM
  • News

    Allen Stanford Wants Out Of Prison ASAP

    If accused Ponzi schemer Allen Stanford is not released from the big house on bail, it’s very likely that he will go batshit insane, according to a prison psychologist. This is sad for a couple of reasons: 1) it sounds like he really might be losing it and should be let out and 2) no […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 10:15 AM
  • News

    Go Home

    RIM job: Toying with your fragile emotions this holiday seasonChristmas vacation is starting early. At least it might as well, since your BlackBerries have stopped working. Oh, they fixed it? False alarm. Get back to work. E-Mail Delays Again Plague BlackBerry Users [AP via NYT]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 9:23 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 12.23.09

    Citigroup Denies Theft Report (WSJ) Citigroup Inc. denied a report in the Journal that federal authorities are investigating the theft of tens of millions of dollars from customer accounts by hackers, and sought to reassure clients that their funds are safe. Geithner: There Will Be No ‘Second Wave’ Crisis (AP) ”We are not going to […]

    / Dec 23, 2009 at 8:30 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 12.22.09

    $$$ Ackman Says Mall Operator Undervalued [Dealbook] $$$ Pot-Laced Tour Bus Becomes Property of FDIC as U.S. Banks Go Up In Smoke [Bloomberg] $$$ The Great Recession’s Ten Commandments [TRB] $$$ Volcker Goes On The Offensive [The Deal]

    / Dec 22, 2009 at 4:40 PM

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