So, last night was the greatest night of my “professional” life, ever. Period. Done. If I didn’t need health insurance, I’d quit now. As I’d told you ladies weeks ago, Steve Cohen (the magician) was scheduled to perform a charity show, at The Action Center To End World Hunger. The even more magical aspect, to a crazed groupie like myself, was the fact that the event was being sponsored by the other Steve Cohen who, while not a magician by trade, makes the world a more magical place by simply existing. For both reasons, though mostly the latter, I obviously had to make it my business to be there.
In truth, I was slightly nervous that THE SC wasn’t going to show, because a) he’s obviously very busy and b) knowing that the girl who shared his highness’s playing cards with the world was going to be there might scare a person off. While waiting outside for a friend, I noticed two burly looking men who just sort of emanated a “we work for a guy you don’t want to fuck with” vibe. I’ve been briefed that Stevie has a driver/bodyguard (who carries a gun), so I sidled to one of them and casually asked if he was there with you know who. He responded that he was in fact there with SC, but SC “the magician.” So this guy was on his game. At first I didn’t buy it because really? Magicians need bodyguards? But he kept on insisting he does all the security for the magic shows and then actually asked me, “Wait so there’s another Steve Cohen coming tonight? What does that one do?” And because this man is clearly a professional, and I an imbecile, I was sufficiently convinced that he really didn’t work for *our* Steve, and proceeded to say, “Oh, he’s, um, this hedge fund manager. I like to write about him.” Then he asks for my name and casually asks where I work. And I can see a mental note being made, and start to freak out inside that I’ve made a mistake in failing to use my undercover alias, Tess Devlin, but my friend arrives, so I shake it off, figure the guy does work for the magician SC and we go inside.
We’re standing at the bar when I’m informed by an organizer that Steve’s security team has concerns about my presence. This upsets me because a) hot DAMN the bodyguard took me for a ride and I didn’t even know it, which is some next level hustler shit and b) there is nothing to be concerned about because SC is my idol and I would never do anything to hurt him, except maybe make him uncomfortable by uncontrollably hyperventilating in his presence. (Also, his bodyguard carries a gun. I do not.) I assure everyone of this– and by the way, at this point, SC hasn’t even entered the building– and turn back to my friend. We agree that I probably shouldn’t even approach Stevie when and if he enters the building, because it might not go over well and I would be deeply crushed. And then. And THEN. The greatest moment of my life: a tap on the shoulder. I turn around. “Are you Bess,” THE MAN WHO IS THE ONLY REASON I WRITE ABOUT THIS INDUSTRY ASKS? Uh, yeah I am!
He was not swathed in his favorite fabric, which was admittedly disappointing. But ladies, I will confess– he was cool. Seriously. I will retain the details of our conversation for my own pleasure, but I will say it exceeded my wildest dreams (as did his lovely wife). Over the course of our time together I even offered to fetch him another drink, just because I wanted to serve him, as a faithful wench, and because I was huffing on the fumes of the evening (he asked for a glass of red).
I should mention the magic of the other Steve Cohen, who is really amazing and who you MUST check out, and the laudable cause– both awesome. However, the real magic obviously came from meeting the elusive object of my desire. This, girls, is every stalker’s dream come true. Now that my own personal Everest has been summited, I’m really at a loss for what to do with myself. Naturally I think the next logical step would be the writing the authorized biography of a certain someone, or successfully lobbying for just *one* ride on the Zamboni. If you’re reading, no pressure! Just think about it. Okay, I’m done.
Damn. I was hoping for a one of Shazzum’s two sentence bullshit cut and paste internet posts, and I get War and Peace.
@1 take your lame-ass comments else where. this is fucking BESS AND STEVIE.
Bess, what happened to Elizabeth Spring?
it’s amazing the kind of sources you can get with a pair of tits, isn’t it?
-ARS
@2 Fuck you douchbag. I fan my balls in your general direction.
#1 Muthafucka!
awesome
So I guess Gasparino’s new book is about you, Bess
that’s the sound of sorkin putting a gun in his mouth.
@7 huh?
bess, were you wearing your SAC fleece at the time?
TLDR
bess levin you are amazing
2 Qs.
Uno: Did BG don a fleece or suit jacket, with wild lapels?
Dos: Where does BG get said untamely lapels?
Muchos gracias,
-Online Shopper/Emulator
@bess was it good for you?
-SC
Sounds like Bess could hardly wait to get home to starting clicking the mouse.
@15 sounds like they left together
that’s right bitches– stevie comes to bess, not the other way around.
stevie’s security team is afraid of bess? awesome.
Bess you are giddy like a young girl with a crush. Watch out the Zamboni ride may be a different kind of ride ;>
I heard that Muffie was on the Tiger list…can you confirm?
I think SC bought DB and now BL is full of BS.
@21 nope
I wuz sexy and amazing too! And SC is a friend-a-mine. And, and, and…. I don’t need no bodyguards. And, and… just call me Beth.
-cg
Burly bodyguard: Who are you?
Bess Levin: I’m with the band.
Kiss my grits, trollop.
Alex Cohen
@25 sounds like you’ve got competition.
I think I am going to miss the old DB making fun of SC. Now everything will be sterilized, no more playing cards, no more marker insertions, no more zamboni rides…
@27 are you kidding? we’re going to get all the zamboni rides we want now. and from the inside.
Ladies, I will confess— he was cool. And sexay. Seriously. I will retain the details of our conversation for my own pleasure, but I will say it exceeded my wildest dreams (as did his lovely wife).
This made me laugh so hard.
Bess – rumor has it Ping was bartending the event, did your drink taste funny?
slore.
-cg
Is Steve’s wife very pretty? Steve does nothing for me….
If you could not run dealbreaker and party with Steve Cohen and Chaz Gasbag, what would you do?
“I’d probably get a bit stupid and start to make a fool of myself in public, ‘cause there wouldn’t be a stage to go on.”
@33 what are you talking about?
sex farm woman, I’ll be your hired hand
Bess – if I sent you my resume can you forward to Steve on my behalf?
I think bess is going to get that ride afterall, but it won’t be on the Zamb.
@4 It’s amazing all the cooz you can get with a billion dollar bank account.
Tiger Woods
Update- Deal Breaker will now be known as Deal Maker brought to you by SEC.
Actually Bess was always Tess and nothing you thought is what it seems.
-SC
Bess, you are no Della Frye.
@40 who the fuck cares? we’re talkin insider access to the deep fryer here.
Bess just wants to land an IR job at SAC for $750k, and watch Stevie get lap dances at Beamers.
“Seriously. I will retain the details of our conversation for my own pleasure, but I will say it exceeded my wildest dreams (as did his lovely wife).”
Bess,
I’m interpreting this as serious threeway action. Please confirm.
@42 i think it’s obvious what bess wants:
“writing the authorized biography of a certain someone, or successfully lobbying for just *one* ride on the Zamboni”
@43 bingo
These chicks don’t even know the name of my band.
-SC
Bess, call me.
-SC’s security guard
@45 [high-five]
45 = sc
did he mention me?
-pj
Sounds like someone’s a lil’ verklempt today (not that anyone could blame you, that is).
@51 you’d be too
Bess, congratulations on your magical night.
What’s better? Patagonia or Northface?
-Novice
Bess, could you fill in a few details for us:
1. who is taller, you or the big guy?
2. who has larger breasts?
3. does he have a strong, dry handshake or is it limp wristed and sweaty, or does he just slap people of the ass like a football player?
Thanks.
And to think you were going to settle for a phone call Bess.
Congrats on your climax.
@55 are you forgetting the rules of membership in the Magicians’ Alliance?
Bess, I hear we’ll be seeing you at Hanks tomorrow?
Bess you let the team down.
cohen does not talk to ANYONE, especially not journalists. ergo, bess’s tits had to be involved here.
Bess be careful: it might be a trap!
Bess you let the team down.
@59/62 how do you figure?
@59/62 what are you talking about?
60 = sorkin?
re the pic: is that HIS fleece?!?!
Do me next!
-biff
@60 photo please?
@60 seconded
Damn, Levin, you are cold. How many shrimp puffs do I have to offer you to rate a single sentence?
-Gary Busey
@70 you’ll get a mention friday. (shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.)
Congrats, Bess. One rarely gets to meet their crush, let alone spend some quality time. Enjoy the euphoria, girlygirl.
@27 see the tag “don’t worry there will still be tranny jokes” and piss off.
so SC reads here. awesome.
@bess– it’s a small world when you’ve got unbelievable tits, isn’t it?
Bess/71,
Please tell me you, the Buse, SAC, and Alex played a game of gin rummy with The Cards (“TC”)…
I impatiently await Friday.
“We’re standing at the bar when I’m informed by an organizer that Steve’s security team has concerns about my presence.”
incredible
Talk about committing; girl took it to the hoop. Bess is badass!
@77 steve cohen’s handlers are scared bess. so much awesome.
Dealbreaker has jumped the shark.
Last time reader.
@80 uh, are you joking? this is a standard/awesome DB post. bess has never confessed to being anything but a stevie fan girl.
@80 don’t let the door hit you on the way out! xo
I can’t believe what I just read. bess, don’t be a damn homewrecker and don’t stop the snark. you write your book, but don’t stop being you…don’t make us go to *gulp* got to clusterstock!
@cluzo what the fuck are you talking about? where does it say I’ll be stopping “the snark”? nowhere in the post? and did you also read the disclaimer in the tags? and I’m not sure how this post isn’t “me.” Stevie has been one of my demented obsessions from day one. nothing’s changed/changing, other than now I can say I got a hug.
@cluzo Your utter cluelessness is unique; it distinguishes you from those who get it.
Who let this dumb fuck in?
@85 seconded
@bess – the lack of snark (tags aside) made me ill. I’ll allow you this one as it has been your dream, but another softie like this (other than the biography) will not be tolerated.
@85 – bite me. who let you in?
@cluzo- I really don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the tone I have ALWAYS taken with SC, i.e. that of a crazed, deranged stalker, whose Zamboni a ride on would make the perfect birthday present.
@cluzo- it would be lame if she took a “snarky” tone with everyone just because. bess is allowed to have her idols, especially since it’s entertaining to watch. and now, fingers crossed, we’ll get a live-blog atop the zamboni.
I just threw up a little in my mouth.
@90 I just did the same over the intent to cut me down via an “edgy” phrase used by 13 year old girls (ten years ago).
@90 first, “get” it, and then try commenting again.
Bess, did they play “Final Countdown” to SC’s entrance?
@93 yes.
@90 it’s painful that you’re such a moron, but let me spell it out for you so it penetrates your thick brain. bess’s over the top gushing about SC? is just another form of bess’s sarcasm.
-someone who’s not stupid
@90 next time do us a favor and choke on it.
95 = voice of reason
Holy shit Bess! You’re my fave. I hope that next time you The BG someone’s mouth gets peed in against their will.
@92/95/96 And like clockwork a bunch of idiots spring forth to “defend” Bess. So predictable and sad esp. in light of #91.
@98 obviously my fingers are crossed for that to happen as well.
@99 why are they sad? b/c they’re right?
Post: awesomely hilarious. I don’t get the hate: Bess’s attitude with regard to the SC has been nothing but “please God I just want to lick between his toes and worship at the altar that is Stevie” since Day 1.
But best part of this whole past has been watching Bess rip the haters in the comments. You fuck with the Levin, you better prepare to get your ass kicked.
Also @55: 1. SC. 2. BL. 3. Bess’s hand melted in his manly grip.
the fleece looks so regal in that pic
just remembered– bess never told us the story of how she got that fleece (it’s been showing up in posts for what, a year?). BL?
And who wouldn’t want want to see Bess swathed in fleece being fed a deep fried twinkie by the great big-head as she straddles his zambonie?
Bess has always written ridiculously fawningly/sarcastically of SC. nothing new here (except we now know his security team is scared of her, which is great).
^5 102
Nothing like a good old fashioned paradoxical injunction to scare the shit out of the clueless.
i guess its lucky Bess didnt love Ken Lewis too or we would really have zero to talk about tomorrow.
A little bit off topic but, Cohen is a hell of a drug!
@106 I’d say that’s well within the boundaries of normal, healthy, adult sexual fantasy.
Meant to say @105. Freudian slip.
@112 Brilliant, and yet at the same time,has that nice morbid quality.
@112 Didn’t you mean Fraudian slip?
Congrats, Bess. I’ve breathed the same air as Julia Roberts, Christy Turlington, Gwyneth Paltrow, … and I think all of them are probably less sexay than my wife, once the strange factor fades.
Stevie might be investigated by the SEC again, so get it while you can.
Bess = Sycophant
Carney = Increased Page Views
Later.
@116 you’re a tool, who doesn’t get it (and admits to reading blarney). peace.
@116 this is EXACTLY how bess has always written about steve. the only difference is that she’s met him now, and HE came up to HER, because she’s got baller status. don’t be a jealous little bitch.
@116 = a certain former SAC employee who was asked to leave the building.
-in the know in stamford
@116 you’re leaving because of one post? what a little bitch you are.
@116 familiarize yourself with bess’s use of over the top sarcasm, and then kill yourself.
anyone who can’t get over themselves and see how fucking crazy awesome it is that steve cohen went up to our bess is a jerk off who needs to examine his motives.
@116 god damn you’re a dumb ass.
wow, you idiots really don’t get it.
@bess– awesome story.
@the haters– eat a fuckin’ dick. bess’s love/obsession with SC is nothing new.
________________________________
This Can All Be Turned Around In The Next Two Days
Posted by Bess Levin, Dec 30, 2008, 11:55am
One of our New Year’s Resolutions is to stop making fun of Steve Cohen. Though previous gentle ribbings have obviously been public demonstrations of love as expressed by a deeply cynical individual scared to tell the big guy how she really feels, apparently they haven’t penetrated certain fleece wearers up at 72 Cummings Point Road. Since it pains us to know we’re not getting through, and because the keys to the Zamboni machine are all we want in life, a new angle of attack is necessary. A kiss and make-up sheet cake and handwritten note seem like good jumping off points, but we’ll iron out the details later (speak up if you can facilitate this goal).
http://dealbreaker.com/2008/12/this-can-all-be-turned-around.php
this was a funny post. if anything bess is CLEARLY self-deprecatingly making fun of herself (“objected of my demented obsession”). the haters need to fuck off.
@bess– fuck ‘em if they (some of your idiot readers) can’t take a joke.
the things that should be taken away from this post:
1. a billionaire’s security team is afraid of a freaking 25 year old jewish girl.
2. one of the most powerful finance guys in the world went up to bess, not the other way around.
thing that should be taken away from the comments: that some of you guys are serious morons.
every single one of the dbags commenting here who supposedly works in finance would be on his fucking knees sucking SC’s dick the second he walked in. not that you’d ever be in a position to be in the same room as cohen, let alone have him approach you and introduce himself.
Bess your a fcken retard
Bess your a fcken retard
@130/131 at least she’s not a double posting retard, loser.
@130/131- why? because she wrote a post about sc in the EXACT SAME TONE she always has? oh, and kill yourself.
@haters- kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone. bess rocks.
-k. powers
read the tags:
“don’t worry there will still be tranny jokes, blow jobs, objects of my demented obsession, this just happened, zamboni”
and lighten up, losers.
To the morons:
SHE JUST DID A WHOLE FUCKING SERIES OF POSTS FEATURING PLAYING CARDS OF STEVE LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT–and HE still comes up to HER?
That, my friends, is power.
Bess may be a 20-something with a net worth approximately equal to one of Steve’s shittier pieces of artwork but one of them is scared of the other–and the frightened one is not the one who lights his cigars with hundreds.
While Bess was creaming her pants at Stevie’s approach, he was shitting in his at the thought of what she might write…
Bess- When did you change the tags to accommodate your post (and appease the dissenters)? Jackass.
This reminds me of Bess’s older posts about Gasparino. She used to make fun of him…until they hung out. Now it’s gentle ribbing and flirtation.
@137 you moron, those were the original tags. jackass.
1. read post that lead up to event
http://dealbreaker.com/2009/11/steve-on-steve-the-most-magica.php
2. see exact same absurd/over the top prose
3. kill yourselves, losers who are freaking out about this.
you stupid fucking idiots. she ended this post like she’s done all sc posts– making zamboni jokes/making fun of him. now it’s just possible she will actually get that ride. so fuck off.
sarcasm my ass, what a weak in the knees suck-up…I’m outta here…I can’t believe you Bess
“This, girls, is every stalker’s dream come true. Now that my own personal Everest has been summited, I’m really at a loss for what to do with myself. Naturally I think the next logical step would be the writing the authorized biography of a certain someone, or successfully lobbying for just one ride on the Zamboni. If you’re reading, no pressure! ”
= classic bess (unaffected by meeting SC). so.piss.the.fuck.off.
@142 i can’t believe you, for getting your panties in such a bunch over one fucking post. don’t let the door his you on the way out.
@142 christ, you’re an idiot.
143 = voice of reason, among a sea of idiots.
omg i get it now, she’s being ironic and witty…post the conversation Bess if you want us to believe you held your ground any more soundly than a giggling japanese schoolgirl
-142
my god will you bitches SHUT THE FUCK UP, and wait til something actually happens that proves bess is in teh can for SC, like she refuses to write about him getting nailed by the feds? and until then just enjoy the fact that sc/his armed body guard is afraid of her?
@147/142 just kill yourself already
@147- um seriously? READ THE GOD DAMN POST. the giggling school girl was cohen, who was scared of/approached bess like the fan.
@147 ever hear of an off the record conversation? most of the more notable people in finance have them, because unlike you they can’t run their mouths. also, and this goes without saying, but regardless of what was discussed between bess and sac, what do we think the odds are you that you’d bust out the “fuck you cohen, you suck” if face to face with him? oh, right, ZERO.
so bess isn’t allowed to make fun of herself for having some sick twisted obsession with the zamboni driver? the same one she’s always expressed?
@55 the answer to that question (number 2) depends on the answer to the quetion, does bess have double d’s?
@153 you’re being hyperbolic– stevie has C’s, not D’s. get it right.
bess is allowed to be a demented fan girl. it’s when she stops bringing us the cards and amazing piss in the mouth, etc stories (did you forget that, ya fuckin ingrates) that we can take issue with her. until then? STFU.
a post regarding a simple meeting elicits such praise/damnation/wonderment? Tits to you Tess Devlin.
BESS, WHAT WAS HE LIKE? WHAT WAS HIS PERSONALITY LIKE?
129,130,131, is definitely Alex Cohen. You can tell by her handwriting.
Lowest ratio of comment quality to post quality ever.
@159 There’s more than what meets the eye.
This post is so awesome! It goes hand in hand with my planned Penthouse Letters style blog that features Bess Levin sucking and fucking various hedge fund managers and regulators.
The first in a series of many pieces has Bess taking it up the tailpipe from Geinther in the TollHouse Cookies treehouse.
That was a lame attempt at humor.
“I’ve been briefed that Stevie has a driver/bodyguard (who carries a gun), so I sidled to one of them and casually asked if he was there with you know who. He responded that he was in fact there with SC, but SC “the magician.”
Overall good post, but the lack of differentiation between “there” and “they’re” is a buzzkill.
@163 that was the correct usage, ‘tard.
haha 163 how’s it feel to suck so much
163 EPIC FAIL
SAC is brilliant, clearly. But what did he see in short puerto rican w/ a kid who finished high school, got knocked up and lived with her campesino parents in wash hts.