A lot of people think that life inside Goldman Sachs is just the tits. In reality, that assumption could not be further from the truth. Yes, it is true that they never lose money, the government is at their beck and call, their clients ask to be front run (it’s an honor), and the twice daily happy ending massages? Let’s just say the guy in the sky has the perfect touch. But that’s all on the surface. It belies The Real Goldman Sachs, deep down, layers below the handies, and the gifts from Tim Geithner. And TRGS hurts. It bleeds. It suffers from paranoia and self-doubt. It’s neurotic. It keeps itself up at night with the persistent thoughts of, “Why can’t I be like Jim Chanos?” (Marc Spilker cut down those hedges out of jealousy.) It wonders, “Why doesn’t anyone like me?” and in the summer months, gazes wistfully at less successful but beautifully tanned financiers and thinks, “Why can’t you look like that? All this money and you’re a pasty motherfuck.”
But no one sees that. They just see Blankfein and God, shooting hundos out of those t-shirt cannon things they use at sporting events. Maybe today you’ll start to get it. The awesome Bethany McLean, in her latest piece for Vanity Fair, walks us through the hurt.
First off, they can’t even enjoy their money. Everyone’s just a ball of nerves all the time. Strip down naked and roll around in it? I think not.
[Goldman Sachs] does not ooze the smug satisfaction that often comes with great wealth. Rather, it oozes anxiety.
And even if they wanted to they wouldn’t, because no one wants to see some pasty guy sans clothes. Which they are, since no one’s allowed to go to the beach. (Or even spruce up with a Mystic Tan.)
I worked there as an analyst for three years in the early 90s, and I remember that most people couldn’t take advantage of the long line of black cars that waited until midnight outside 85 Broad Street to take them home. Instead, they had to call for cars, because they never got out early enough. I also recall being told that having a tan in the summer was a bad sign, because it meant that you weren’t working hard enough.
And you want to know the craziest thing of it all? They don’t even make that much money! Not enough to really matter, anyway. Not like those…[trails off...Those what? Go on, you can say it]…those hedge fund guys. In fact you want to know what Goldman says to itself on payday? It says “YOU SUCK.” Then it tightens the cilice around its thigh and thinks about how it’ll never be as good as Stevie or Jim or even that crazy little guy they used to work with.
There’s a sense that the [bonus] numbers matter because the new Goldman cares about keeping up with the hedge-fund guys. “Everyone loves to hate Goldman Sachs, and Goldman loves to hate the hedge-fund community,” says one trader. “They’ve gotten rich, but they haven’t gotten rich like Louis or Julian or George.”
But nobody understands that! Nobody gets that when Goldman pays itself huge ass tax-payer supported bonuses they’re only doing it so they can keep up with the HF guys. No, all anyone does is point to the fact that Goldman should count its lucky starts it’s not a hedge fund because hedge funds sometimes lose.
These questions are particularly pronounced among hedge funds. “People worry that they’re in my business, and they’re better than I am,” says one money manager. Asks another hedge-fund trader, “Are they the Yankees? No, the Yankees actually lose! Goldman never loses. And people say they are a hedge fund! This ain’t no hedge fund. Hedge funds lose money.”
And no one ever really, sincerely gives them credit for the work they do. No one ever says, you know what Goldman? You’ve worked really hard, and it’s paying off. No one ever acknowledges that, or event thinks to mention, “You look really nice tonight.” No, it’s all about organized crime.
When I ask him if he does business with Goldman, however, he replies, “Of course we do business with them. We have to. It’s like the Mob who picks up the garbage. You pay their fees, because you need your garbage picked up.”
Or allegations its leader has a juicing problem.
“Blankfein is Paulson on steroids,” says one client, referring to Blankfein’s competitiveness, even though he rarely engages in a show of brute force.
No one ever thinks to ask if Goldman would like some ice cream (which is just great, since they already have a complex about their bodies. Warren might as well have said “no dessert for you, fattie”).
Buffett said he would invest $5 billion in exchange for a hefty 10 percent dividend and rights to buy additional stock over the next five years at a price of $115 a share. “I’m taking my grandkids out to Dairy Queen,” he told the Goldman men. “Call me and let me know what you want to do.”
And no one understands Goldman. No one gets that when Goldman says one thing but does another, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. No one gets that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting an actively regulated market when you’re splicing and dicing toxic debt and selling that shit as if it’s shinola to unwitting third world countries who have difficulty with potable water. And then, when the market bitch slaps you one down day after five years of offering up its fake breasts for you to snort the toxic lines of cocaine that is shit debt like Tony Montana, getting your undescended testicles in bind, crying to the paradoxically named Chris Cox and asking him to change the rules. No one gets that that’s okay!
But that week [last year], as the crisis escalated, Blankfein changed his mind. When Mack and Blankfein spoke on Tuesday, Blankfein said, “You’re right. We have to do something about this.” He then told S.E.C. chairman Christopher Cox, whose agency can use emergency powers to ban a lawful activity, that he was for the ban. “I’m for markets,” says Blankfein, who today describes the situation as “tricky.” “But when it felt like it had gotten abusive, when it was free money to short-sellers who were piling on, it felt less like the market and more like it was being manipulated.” He adds, “I crossed over.”
Nor do they understand a little something we at 85B like to call the art of “just joshin’ ya.
Overall, the firm conveys an attitude of dispassion about the whole affair. When I ask Gary Cohn if he was worried about Goldman’s stock price, which plunged from $207.78 in February 2008 to $47.41 in November, he says, “It wasn’t scary at all.” When I ask Gary Cohn and David Viniar, the firm’s chief financial officer, if, barring a financial Armageddon, Goldman would have survived without all the various forms of government intervention, Viniar says, “Yes!” almost before I can finish the question. “I think we would not have failed,” says Cohn. “We had cash.”
And above all? Nobody gets that Goldman is just trying to do the right thing. FOR AMERICA.
Blankfein professes no doubt. “I’m charged with managing and preserving the franchise for the good of shareholders, and while I don’t want to sound highfalutin, it is also for the good of America,” he says. “I’m up-front about that. I think a strong Goldman Sachs is good for the country.”
“boo fucking hoo” indeed.
I wish I was getting paid that goldman money
-HF peon still under water
Da cutting edge reporting I’m doin’ on dese guys caused ‘em to do dis soul searching. I am da man most responsible for da curbs on speculative trading and crackdowns on executive compensation. Dat’s right, me!
-cg
I was sad to have not interviewed with GS. However, in hindsight, it was a blessing. No embarrassment at the airport, dealing with the “wand.” My unnatural jew-hue looks striking in the summer months. I don’t have to be strapped at all hours of the day. Black cars are readily available after 10. I’m not forced to don the ol’ 10 Lap Ironman. Etc.
Agh, who the fuck am I kidding? I wish I got the interview, and had meditation balls dangling between my thighs right now. Fuck you, mom and dad. Shitty pedigree.
“And no one understands Goldman. No one gets that when Goldman says one thing but does another, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. No one gets that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting an actively regulated market when you’re splicing and dicing toxic debt and selling that shit as if it’s shinola to unwitting third world countries who have difficulty with potable water. And then, when the market bitch slaps you one down day after five years of offering up its fake breasts for you to snort the toxic lines of cocaine that is shit debt like Tony Montana, getting your undescended testicles in bind and crying to the paradoxically named Chris Cox and asking him to change the rules. No one gets that that’s okay!”
bess is god.
Just what we need…
Paranoid Goldman goons swagering about with concealed weapons, waiting for an opportunity to kill somebody.
Now people will be afraid to look at one of the turds the wrong way. They might get shot.
The Guy from Delaware
GS is getting annoying.
Late one night, Satan suddenly appears before GS quant hard at work. Satan says, “I have with me the formula for making wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Here: take a “no obligation” look and you will see what you have been searching for all your employed life. Then, if you like what you see, and you will, all you need give me in return are the eternal souls of you, your wife and your children…”"
The GS employee takes a look at Satan’s spreadsheet, and says, “Mind if I run a few calculations?” Satan does not object.
After a bit, the GS employee hands the spreadsheet back to a surprised Satan and says,”I’ll pass. You’re pretty close but you are using the wrong equilibrium theta for your alpha generation platform.”
“It wasn’t scary at all.”
cough::bullshit::cough
@5
Go back to ZeroHedge ya fuckin’ weirdo.
Goldman “didn’t try to prey on the weakness of other firms” unlike, say, Jamie.
Love that Bethany McLean, I do. But. She drank the Kool-Aid a little.
@Lowly, it’s their loss, you know it is. You should be made VP on the strength of your Macke franchise alone.
@10 um, all 5 did was quote bess, from the above post. moron.
Best. Paragraph. Ever.
Bethany McLean used to work for Goldman, making this article extra rich
@13
Fuck, you are right. My bad…couldn’t resist.
-10
12,
‘Tis true, I pride myself on my anonymous Macke makings.
If any GS folk are reading this board, and you’re shopping around for someone to open a pitch with a Jeff Macke-esque memo, hit me up. I’ll pull the viewer in, first slide, no problem. Honest injun.
@13 – #10 was likely alluding to the weird icon worship cult like mindset of ZH readers towards Tyler Durden and was implying that #5 is demonstrating a similar mindset towards Bess and that he should probably go to where such a mindset is more welcome (i.e. ZH). moron.
@18/CL- nah, since he copped to it at 16. also, there’s plenty of icon worshipping here of BL that 10 is not the minority (to say nothing of the fact that BL worship is deserved, while Tyler’s is…something else).
@perkins agreed. bess is on fire.
@15 which she discloses in the article.
@18 – I know, #16 really took the wind out of my sails.
…then again I’ve spent enough time hero-worshipping Tyler to know that #16 is a fake #10 and is actually #13…which is also #19, which is you.
-Paranoid in Paranoia
@19 I realize I’m asking for it, saying this here, but, depends somewhat on _which_ tyler.
BTW EP wrote a nice piece on zh yesterday, “Is The Fed Facing Margin Calls From European Banks?” Worth reading.
such.fucking.assholes.
“It suffers from paranoia and self-doubt. It’s neurotic” more true than you know.
“crazy guy they used to work with”? YOU VICIOUS ANIMAL LIAR.
-Biff
Hey it’s 10/16 here, again. CoveredLong I appreciate your support and what you said was my original intent, to insult the crazies over at ZeroHedge.
@22 you are wrong but I find your way of thinking to be amusing.
So in the end, I was wrong, admitted my mistake, now am trying to clear the record. I just hope that “Go back to YahooFinance” can try to become “Go to ZeroHedge”.
-10/16
The only thing they are anxious about is that it all may come to an end someday. Their ownership of Congress may end, the administration, ditto…..but then they take a deep breath and say, “Awww, come on…what are the odds?”.
@28 duh.
-LB
@6/TGFD:
Maybe they saw your post last week, wherein you noted at what time of day they would be “most vulnerable” (I believe those were the words you used).
In fact, one of the responders to your post (I’ll bother this once) told you (correctly), its not cool.
@6/TGFD:
Maybe they saw your post last week, wherein you noted at what time of day they would be “most vulnerable” (I believe those were the words you used).
In fact, one of the responders to your post (I’ll bother this once) told you (correctly), its not cool.
The SEC may be finally doing something proactive. Just read SEC requested a copy of STOCK SHOCK–new movie about market manipulation and naked short selling of Sirius XM stock (among others). Amazon has the movie on DVD.
@Bess,
Nice Opus Dei reference with the cilice comment. A little out of place at 85 Broad, though.
Pfluger@#30/#31…
Maybe Goldman did see TGFD’s post from last week, but I was under the impression that Goldman blocked employee access to DB. Well, maybe the senior turds at Goldman didn’t block themselves.
A more likely scenario is that Goldman and its employees have received numerous threats, and Goldman is merely reacting in a way it deems prudent.
In any case, paranoia, when combined with a concealed, deadly weapon, along with a touch of alcohol or drugs can be a very sorry combination. Think of the old wild west, and you’ll get the picture.
The Guy from Delaware
Looks like we’ll need to have this year’s origies in the bathroom and on company time:
http://www.cnbc.com/id/34208633/
Since they have received “numerous threats,” as you state, I wonder why you would call them “paranoid.”
I mean, its clear that you hate them, and so do lots of other folks. I don’t particularly like the people who claim to being doing God’s work myself, I generally have a healthy skepticism of ANY investment banker’s or sell side analyst’s claims, and I like to poke fun of their pomposity and self-righteous nonsense, so its odd that I find myself defending these schmucks, but….
@32
Way to leave the same comment on Seeking Alpha today. That in no way, shape, or form looks like you’re just another shady shill for the movie (that pretty much no one has actually heard of, or is interested in).
Pfluger@#36…
I get the impression that you and TGFD are on the same page when it comes to Goldman Sachs. Why Are you defending the schmucks then?
I think they are paranoid; that’s why I call them so. They seem afraid of anything and everything, real or imagined, and they believe that they’re being persecuted in a systematic, organized and sinister fashion.
TGFD doesn’t know for sure that Goldman received threats. My guess is that threats are a more likely cause of their paranoia than something written by TGFD might be.
It is gratifying to learn that at least one DBer thinks Goldman takes TGFD’s ramblings seriously.
The Guy from Delaware
You flatter yourself more than cg to think that what you or I or most anyone writes about Goldman on a blog matters one whit to them. And frankly, I think these guys would be NUTS not to have a means of self-defense in their homes, but that’s just me.
Over and out.
@pfluger- Not siding with the nutbag from Delaware, but you’re dead wrong if you don’t think that Goldman is VERY upset by what’s being said about them. Not that they’ll do anything different, but they’re not happy about it at all.
@anything written by douchebag from Delaware… not even CG writes in third person as much as you. Do something productive with your life, envious tool.
BESS – Phenomenal. You’re a g-damn virtuoso of words.
@42 agreed. Bess, I want to fuck your brain.
Guest@#41…
TGFD has been writing in the third person ever since I first started on DB, over 20 months ago. Get used to it.
As far as your “envious tool” accusation is concerned, I’ll add that most everyone on DB is probably envious of Goldman, including you… shitstain.
The Guy from Delaware
long and rife with mistakes…boo
@45 such as what?