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We Will Probably Never Find Out The True Shape Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Penis

jeffreyepstein.jpgWell, this is a setback. Back in September, Jeffrey Epstein was deposed re: spending time sans pants with a 15 year-old and asked, “Is it true that you have an egg-shaped penis?”. Apparently this made Mr. Sensitive feel uncomfortable, so much so that he had to storm out of the room in a huff, when what he should’ve done was dropped trou and said “You tell me.” Anyway, we were slightly skeptical– does such a thing exist in nature?– but assumed we’d get an official answer soon. Today, our curiosity has been dealt a blow.

Jeffrey Epstein’s penis cannot be examined by lawyers for women who say the billionaire sex offender abused them, a Palm Beach, Fla., judge ruled Monday.

The shape of Epstein’s penis is not relevant to the civil cases against him, Circuit Judge Donald Hafele ruled. If it becomes relevant, Hafele said he would reconsider the request.

So there’s hope but it doesn’t look good. I leave it to you ladies to figure this one out.
Earlier: Jeffrey Epstein Will Neither Confirm Nor Deny The Allegedly Bizarre Shape Of His Penis

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65 Responses to “We Will Probably Never Find Out The True Shape Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Penis”

  1. guest says:

    I expect this kind of filth from WSJ, but UPI?

  2. guest says:

    WTF?
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  3. guest says:

    UPI = United Penis International

  4. guest says:

    great tags

  5. guest says:

    Mr. Pierman, my hero….”I’m willing to continue.”

  6. guest says:

    We can find out if Bess takes one for the team….but she may be too old for him

  7. guest says:

    1,
    Seriously. 100 years of journalistic excellence, and all.

  8. guest says:

    100% DEALBREAKER!

  9. guest says:

    @8 stop trying to make that comment happen.

  10. guest says:

    @7 Seriously. And owned by Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

  11. guest says:

    10,
    A good man, but an awful date.
    -7

  12. guest says:

    I’m serial.
    Manbearpig

  13. guest says:

    too late. damage done. puts me off sucking hard boiled eggs ever again.

  14. pfluger says:

    cg: I can eat 50 eggs.
    dk: Nobody can eat 50 eggs.
    mb: (To DK) You said he could eat anything.
    dk: Did you ever eat 50 eggs?
    cg: Nobody ever ate 50 eggs.
    dk: My boy says he can eat 50 eggs, he can eat fifty eggs.
    mb: Yeah, but in how long?
    cg: An hour.

  15. guest says:

    Alas now we’ll never know if its an ostrich egg here or hummingbird egg.

  16. guest says:

    Stopped reading at pant’s.

  17. guest says:

    Jeez, if you’re squeezing the fucking daylights out of it at the tip shouldn’t the pipe below it blow like Dizzy Gillispie’s neck when he blows a C sharp?

  18. guest says:

    too egg-shaped didnt round hole

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