• 14 Dec 2009 at 4:11 PM

We Will Probably Never Find Out The True Shape Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Penis

By Bess Levin

jeffreyepstein.jpgWell, this is a setback. Back in September, Jeffrey Epstein was deposed re: spending time sans pants with a 15 year-old and asked, “Is it true that you have an egg-shaped penis?”. Apparently this made Mr. Sensitive feel uncomfortable, so much so that he had to storm out of the room in a huff, when what he should’ve done was dropped trou and said “You tell me.” Anyway, we were slightly skeptical– does such a thing exist in nature?– but assumed we’d get an official answer soon. Today, our curiosity has been dealt a blow.

Jeffrey Epstein’s penis cannot be examined by lawyers for women who say the billionaire sex offender abused them, a Palm Beach, Fla., judge ruled Monday.

The shape of Epstein’s penis is not relevant to the civil cases against him, Circuit Judge Donald Hafele ruled. If it becomes relevant, Hafele said he would reconsider the request.

So there’s hope but it doesn’t look good. I leave it to you ladies to figure this one out.
Earlier: Jeffrey Epstein Will Neither Confirm Nor Deny The Allegedly Bizarre Shape Of His Penis

Comments (18)

  1. 1
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:18 PM

    I expect this kind of filth from WSJ, but UPI?

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:19 PM

    WTF?
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  3. 3
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    UPI = United Penis International

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:21 PM

    great tags

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:22 PM

    Mr. Pierman, my hero….”I’m willing to continue.”

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:22 PM

    We can find out if Bess takes one for the team….but she may be too old for him

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:23 PM

    1,
    Seriously. 100 years of journalistic excellence, and all.

  8. 8
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:24 PM

    100% DEALBREAKER!

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:25 PM

    @8 stop trying to make that comment happen.

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:25 PM

    @7 Seriously. And owned by Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:28 PM

    10,
    A good man, but an awful date.
    -7

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:29 PM

    I’m serial.
    Manbearpig

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:37 PM

    too late. damage done. puts me off sucking hard boiled eggs ever again.

  14. 14
    Posted by pfluger | December 14, 2009 at 4:38 PM

    cg: I can eat 50 eggs.
    dk: Nobody can eat 50 eggs.
    mb: (To DK) You said he could eat anything.
    dk: Did you ever eat 50 eggs?
    cg: Nobody ever ate 50 eggs.
    dk: My boy says he can eat 50 eggs, he can eat fifty eggs.
    mb: Yeah, but in how long?
    cg: An hour.

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 4:55 PM

    Alas now we’ll never know if its an ostrich egg here or hummingbird egg.

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 6:33 PM

    Stopped reading at pant’s.

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 6:50 PM

    Jeez, if you’re squeezing the fucking daylights out of it at the tip shouldn’t the pipe below it blow like Dizzy Gillispie’s neck when he blows a C sharp?

  18. 18
    Posted by guest | December 14, 2009 at 8:46 PM

    too egg-shaped didnt round hole

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