• 29 Jan 2010 at 11:40 AM

Help Name Charlie Gasparino’s New Book

charliegasparinostache.jpgIn chronicling the ‘unholy alliance among Big Business, Big Banking, and Big Government,’ which has brought this country to its knees, a sober voice is required to uncover and distill the backdoor deals, the smoke and mirrors, and the ultimate tragedy found within. That voice belongs to Charlie Gasparino. Which is why it is with great pleasure that we inform you that, due to the runaway success of When Mooks Fail, the Oracle of Rego Park has scored his latest book deal (with an advance that is said to be ‘significant,’ i.e. it’ll cover i.e. it will more than cover several week’s worth of martinis at Tropix, the author’s favorite little neighborhood joint, where they have a lax policy on underage drinking). Gasparino’s upcoming contribution to literature and understanding was sold under the name Bought And Paid For, but we have it on good authority that’s just a working title. That’s where you come in. Chaz has requested we help come up with something better, that truly captures the sentiment of the tome. Early proposals:


* Dis Tim Geithner Guy’s Got His Head Up His Ass
* Suckin’ On Wall Street’s Dick: When Mooks Fail, Part Deux
* Lloyd Blankfein: I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss… I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss
Your help in this endeavor will not go unappreciated. The creator of the winning title will be invited to the premier of the HBO series, Find Me A Stage For This Bull To Rage, which follows Gasparino during the research and writing process of the book. The following is a clip from the opening episode, in which Chaz is confronted by Alan Greenspan, who heard the reporter was sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.

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Comments (86)

  1. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:42 AM

    "Load My Mother Should Have Swallowed?"

  2. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:44 AM

    "See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil: When Financial Flying Monkeys Flew Out of Wall Street's Ass"

  3. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:46 AM

    Revenge is a dish best served cold cuts.

  4. Posted by Lowly Assistant | January 29, 2010 at 7:46 AM

    Mustachatory Rape: A Coming of Age Tale By Charlie Gasparino

  5. Posted by Tax Chick | January 29, 2010 at 7:49 AM

    A Mook of Another Color
    -and no, I do not need to examine my motives. My motives are just fine the way they are.

  6. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:49 AM

    "Womb Broom: The Story of Charles Gasparino"

  7. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:49 AM

    Its Raining Guidos

  8. Posted by Pfluger the Barbaria | January 29, 2010 at 7:50 AM

    Love Triangle: The Twerp, The Hammer and The Tax Cheat

  9. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:51 AM

    "You buy this fcking book or Im gonna break your fcking head."

  10. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:51 AM

    Tim Tebow's Financial Abortion: A Love Story

  11. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:53 AM

    "Wall Street Drew a Moustache on Main Street; Dirty Sanchez or Shitler."

  12. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:54 AM

    First of all, my name is the FAKE Jeff Sneider, and as a former writer/editor at "Nut Buster" and "Hand Jive", I know a thing or two about Internet trolls. You're all too afraid to post your real names because you lack class and you have nothing to say of any substance. I happen to know the man with the mustache in this picture. He is a dear friend of mine. He is not the bubble-headed, dago eye candy/oiled wrestling accessory you Wall St. assholes are making him out to be. He happens to be a BRILLIANT writer/reporter/analyst, as evidenced by the fact that Wall Street keeps him in their company. There is nothing romantic about their relationship. He is a trusted friend and mentor of their………

  13. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:55 AM

    2 Markers 1 Anus

  14. Posted by Tax Chick | January 29, 2010 at 7:56 AM

    All the Bank's Men

  15. Posted by NakedShort | January 29, 2010 at 7:58 AM

    Fugazi. The United States as a whole is so undercapitalized that we will soon discover that we are fucked eight ways to Sunday.

  16. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 7:59 AM

    Titanic Glutes – the Story of How Wall Street Crashed on its Ass

  17. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:00 AM

    A Tale of Two Deli Meats

  18. Posted by NakedShort | January 29, 2010 at 8:01 AM

    The Catcher of Cum Between the Eyes

  19. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:03 AM

    The Great Ugatz

  20. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:06 AM

    Golden Showers: the sorid story of how Alan Greespan kept pissing gold on Wall Street while simultaneously pissing off main street.

  21. Posted by TomOfTheNorth | January 29, 2010 at 8:06 AM

    "Even A Schmuck Can Spot A Quarter On The Sidewalk"

  22. Posted by ExtraordinaryPopular | January 29, 2010 at 8:07 AM

    _MOOKSTACHE_
    (That's mookstache in uppercase, italic font… maybe with movement lines like it's a train or something… cause, you know, IT MOVES)

  23. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:08 AM

    Derr Terk Er Jerrbs

  24. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:09 AM

    22 ftw

  25. Posted by Lowly Assistant | January 29, 2010 at 8:11 AM

    To Cure an Economy: Salt

  26. Posted by Tax Chick | January 29, 2010 at 8:12 AM

    NS – thanks for the shock to the system. Now have Waiting Room blasting from my computer. I want to break shit!

  27. Posted by Pfluger the Barbaria | January 29, 2010 at 8:13 AM

    A Thug's Guide to Wall Street; How to Kick the Living Shit Out of Your Broker for Fun and Profit

  28. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:14 AM

    I Will Fuck You 'til You Love Me; The Story of Wall Street

  29. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:17 AM

    Steal This Book
    and buy protection on HarperBusiness

  30. Posted by MikeTyson | January 29, 2010 at 8:18 AM

    @29, That's my line!
    But for Chaz, I recommend
    "JWOWW the Situation, we're Snooki-punched"

  31. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:22 AM

    The Salami Code

  32. Posted by von Pantz | January 29, 2010 at 8:23 AM

    I need some clarification. I believe "Bought and Paid For" is the working title of Charlie's autobiography. I'm supposed to come up with a better title than that?

  33. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:26 AM

    Barbarians at the Deli

  34. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:35 AM

    I shot the sheriff, but didn't kill the deputy

  35. Posted by Pfluger the Barbaria | January 29, 2010 at 8:38 AM

    "By the Way" — A Compendium of The Greatest Moments of My Life

  36. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:38 AM

    Who is too big to fail? You Are!

  37. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:38 AM

    he looks mexican on that picture. dirty.

  38. Posted by Lowly Assistant | January 29, 2010 at 8:38 AM

    34,
    Nice!!

  39. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:40 AM

    Too Big to Fail

  40. Posted by CoveredLong | January 29, 2010 at 8:42 AM

    Gasparino Shrugged.

  41. Posted by CoveredLong | January 29, 2010 at 8:43 AM

    Avatar.

  42. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:44 AM

    34 ftw
    Bravo, good Sir

  43. Posted by HAM05 | January 29, 2010 at 8:49 AM

    A face only NAMBLA can love

  44. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:52 AM

    The Art of the Meal; How Cured Meats Changed My Life

  45. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:54 AM

    "The Greatest Motherf&*& Book Ever." 25 Fazools. Well worth every penny.

  46. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:55 AM

    Great Expectorations

  47. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 8:57 AM

    Jacked and Tan: A pictrographic chronological look at the evolution of Charlie Gasparino from the pornstache to the upper lip Brazilian wax

  48. Posted by NakedShort | January 29, 2010 at 8:58 AM

    From critically acclaimed investigative journalist and CNBC personality Charles Gasparino comes a sweeping examination of the most recent volatile, anxiety-ridden era his life. How’d Those Dingleberries Get There traces the implosion of Gasparino’s Wall Street sources since James Cayne said “Peace out” while smoking a bowl which left Gasparino without a source on the “inside”. It shows how a back alley salad tossings involving Gasarino and potential new “inside” sources left him wondering how dingleberries managed to become entangled into his newly grown moustache. Gasparino walks readers through what it takes to wine and dine Wall Street's finest executives and traders at Elaine’s—from awkward hellos during the first meetings, to the ordering of drink after drink in hopes of inebriating and getting market altering information from the new source, to the inevitable encounter in the Men’s room where the potential source would drop his pants and ask Gasparino “How’s my ass taste?”, to the sheer terror of sobering up the next morning and not having the new source return calls or emails. The ongoing tumult in Gasparinos drive to get new srouces began when some of our most esteemed financial executives, our government leaders, and even average citizens abdicated their collective responsibilities treat Gasparino as a reputable reporter, eventually selling him out and forcing him to question How’d Those Dingleberries Get There.

  49. Posted by NotNasser | January 29, 2010 at 8:58 AM

    #44, FTW.

  50. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:10 AM

    Raging Bullshit

  51. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:14 AM

    The Sexual Predators Ball

  52. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:16 AM

    I Lost It In The Men's Room

  53. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:20 AM

    Cold Cuts Files – Wall Street Edition:
    Hiding The Salami

  54. Posted by Pfluger the Barbaria | January 29, 2010 at 9:26 AM

    "They're No Friends-a-Mine!"
    Revealed publicly for the first time, The complete, illustrated, inside story of One Man's lonely and heroic efforts to thwart the Diabolical Plans of a Clandestine Group of Anti-Italian Jews. Their Secret Maneuverings to Destroy the World Financial System, exposed!! How a Greedy Twirp with a Napoleanic Complex single-handedly destroyed Middle Class America.
    In plain language that even a bischero can understand, the world renowned financial journalist, investigative reporter, and unrivaled boccalone explains how he saved the world from the brink of ruin.
    ***
    bischero m. (Tuscany) a stupid person, a jerk.
    boccalone m. a big mouth, a gossip; (lit.): an enormous mouth.

  55. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:41 AM

    A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Deli

  56. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:40 AM

    " The Geraldo Rivera, Carlos Santana, John Oates Threeway Lovechild"

  57. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 1:41 PM

    A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Deli

  58. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:56 AM

    SHAMook

  59. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 9:57 AM

    Tossing Salad and Taking Names: The Life and Times of Charlie Gasparino

  60. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:00 AM

    Carol the waitress Simon the fag

  61. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:02 AM

    A Million Little Pierogies

  62. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:04 AM

    Dis 'n Dat Side of Paradise

  63. Posted by Anal_yst | January 29, 2010 at 10:07 AM

    "You'll Never Guess What I Heard in the Equinox Steamroom…"

  64. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:13 AM

    Pastrami in the Rye

  65. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:20 AM

    Da Things Dat I Know

  66. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:22 AM

    Floor Mopper

  67. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:29 AM

    The Great Greaseball

  68. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 10:41 AM

    10 Ways to Look More Like Luigi

  69. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 11:11 AM

    laughed @51!

  70. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 12:01 PM

    You call that a moustache?
    - Freddy Mercury

  71. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 12:15 PM

    2 (inches) and 20 (Jager bombs): The Charlie Gasparino Story

  72. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    "My Sources Are Telling Me"

  73. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 12:23 PM

    "What I Got Is Shoot For The Capitalism"

  74. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 12:24 PM

    "I'm Hearing That"

  75. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 12:27 PM

    @72 ftw

  76. Posted by guest | January 29, 2010 at 12:29 PM

    the situation is fluid.

  77. Posted by guest | January 31, 2010 at 4:59 AM

    The Ramblings of a Penis

  78. Posted by guest | January 31, 2010 at 5:35 PM

    Snarfed my Diet Coke thanks to @51!!!

  79. Posted by Finnegan | January 31, 2010 at 5:44 PM

    Wall Street ATM Machine: Main Street Takes It On the Chin

  80. Posted by DIV01 | January 31, 2010 at 6:02 PM

    Reminiscences of a Deli Operator

  81. Posted by guest | February 1, 2010 at 6:29 AM

    The Gasman Cummeth

  82. Posted by guest | February 1, 2010 at 8:53 AM

    why the picture of groucho marx?

  83. Posted by guest | February 1, 2010 at 12:53 PM

    why the picture of groucho marx?

  84. Posted by guest | February 5, 2010 at 3:00 PM

    The Mindless of Wall Street

  85. Posted by guest | February 11, 2010 at 5:33 PM

    #12… you're hilarious. Give yourself a pat on the back… for being a fucking chucklehead. That joke was old LAST week, you assclown.

  86. Posted by guest | February 11, 2010 at 5:52 PM

    #12, give yourself a pat on the back. You're hilarious! Or… you're a complete chucklehead making jokes that were old LAST WEEK. Way to go, assclown. Feel good about your life.