In chronicling the ‘unholy alliance among Big Business, Big Banking, and Big Government,’ which has brought this country to its knees, a sober voice is required to uncover and distill the backdoor deals, the smoke and mirrors, and the ultimate tragedy found within. That voice belongs to Charlie Gasparino. Which is why it is with great pleasure that we inform you that, due to the runaway success of When Mooks Fail, the Oracle of Rego Park has scored his latest book deal (with an advance that is said to be ‘significant,’ i.e. it’ll cover i.e. it will more than cover several week’s worth of martinis at Tropix, the author’s favorite little neighborhood joint, where they have a lax policy on underage drinking). Gasparino’s upcoming contribution to literature and understanding was sold under the name Bought And Paid For, but we have it on good authority that’s just a working title. That’s where you come in. Chaz has requested we help come up with something better, that truly captures the sentiment of the tome. Early proposals:
* Dis Tim Geithner Guy’s Got His Head Up His Ass
* Suckin’ On Wall Street’s Dick: When Mooks Fail, Part Deux
* Lloyd Blankfein: I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss… I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss, I’m da boss
Your help in this endeavor will not go unappreciated. The creator of the winning title will be invited to the premier of the HBO series, Find Me A Stage For This Bull To Rage, which follows Gasparino during the research and writing process of the book. The following is a clip from the opening episode, in which Chaz is confronted by Alan Greenspan, who heard the reporter was sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.
"Load My Mother Should Have Swallowed?"
"See No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil: When Financial Flying Monkeys Flew Out of Wall Street's Ass"
Revenge is a dish best served cold cuts.
Mustachatory Rape: A Coming of Age Tale By Charlie Gasparino
A Mook of Another Color
-and no, I do not need to examine my motives. My motives are just fine the way they are.
"Womb Broom: The Story of Charles Gasparino"
Its Raining Guidos
Love Triangle: The Twerp, The Hammer and The Tax Cheat
"You buy this fcking book or Im gonna break your fcking head."
Tim Tebow's Financial Abortion: A Love Story
"Wall Street Drew a Moustache on Main Street; Dirty Sanchez or Shitler."
First of all, my name is the FAKE Jeff Sneider, and as a former writer/editor at "Nut Buster" and "Hand Jive", I know a thing or two about Internet trolls. You're all too afraid to post your real names because you lack class and you have nothing to say of any substance. I happen to know the man with the mustache in this picture. He is a dear friend of mine. He is not the bubble-headed, dago eye candy/oiled wrestling accessory you Wall St. assholes are making him out to be. He happens to be a BRILLIANT writer/reporter/analyst, as evidenced by the fact that Wall Street keeps him in their company. There is nothing romantic about their relationship. He is a trusted friend and mentor of their………
2 Markers 1 Anus
All the Bank's Men
Fugazi. The United States as a whole is so undercapitalized that we will soon discover that we are fucked eight ways to Sunday.
Titanic Glutes – the Story of How Wall Street Crashed on its Ass
A Tale of Two Deli Meats
The Catcher of Cum Between the Eyes
The Great Ugatz
Golden Showers: the sorid story of how Alan Greespan kept pissing gold on Wall Street while simultaneously pissing off main street.
"Even A Schmuck Can Spot A Quarter On The Sidewalk"
_MOOKSTACHE_
(That's mookstache in uppercase, italic font… maybe with movement lines like it's a train or something… cause, you know, IT MOVES)
Derr Terk Er Jerrbs
22 ftw
To Cure an Economy: Salt
NS – thanks for the shock to the system. Now have Waiting Room blasting from my computer. I want to break shit!
A Thug's Guide to Wall Street; How to Kick the Living Shit Out of Your Broker for Fun and Profit
I Will Fuck You 'til You Love Me; The Story of Wall Street
Steal This Book
and buy protection on HarperBusiness
@29, That's my line!
But for Chaz, I recommend
"JWOWW the Situation, we're Snooki-punched"
The Salami Code
I need some clarification. I believe "Bought and Paid For" is the working title of Charlie's autobiography. I'm supposed to come up with a better title than that?
Barbarians at the Deli
I shot the sheriff, but didn't kill the deputy
"By the Way" — A Compendium of The Greatest Moments of My Life
Who is too big to fail? You Are!
he looks mexican on that picture. dirty.
34,
Nice!!
Too Big to Fail
Gasparino Shrugged.
Avatar.
34 ftw
Bravo, good Sir
A face only NAMBLA can love
The Art of the Meal; How Cured Meats Changed My Life
"The Greatest Motherf&*& Book Ever." 25 Fazools. Well worth every penny.
Great Expectorations
Jacked and Tan: A pictrographic chronological look at the evolution of Charlie Gasparino from the pornstache to the upper lip Brazilian wax
From critically acclaimed investigative journalist and CNBC personality Charles Gasparino comes a sweeping examination of the most recent volatile, anxiety-ridden era his life. How’d Those Dingleberries Get There traces the implosion of Gasparino’s Wall Street sources since James Cayne said “Peace out” while smoking a bowl which left Gasparino without a source on the “inside”. It shows how a back alley salad tossings involving Gasarino and potential new “inside” sources left him wondering how dingleberries managed to become entangled into his newly grown moustache. Gasparino walks readers through what it takes to wine and dine Wall Street's finest executives and traders at Elaine’s—from awkward hellos during the first meetings, to the ordering of drink after drink in hopes of inebriating and getting market altering information from the new source, to the inevitable encounter in the Men’s room where the potential source would drop his pants and ask Gasparino “How’s my ass taste?”, to the sheer terror of sobering up the next morning and not having the new source return calls or emails. The ongoing tumult in Gasparinos drive to get new srouces began when some of our most esteemed financial executives, our government leaders, and even average citizens abdicated their collective responsibilities treat Gasparino as a reputable reporter, eventually selling him out and forcing him to question How’d Those Dingleberries Get There.
#44, FTW.
Raging Bullshit
The Sexual Predators Ball
I Lost It In The Men's Room
Cold Cuts Files – Wall Street Edition:
Hiding The Salami
"They're No Friends-a-Mine!"
Revealed publicly for the first time, The complete, illustrated, inside story of One Man's lonely and heroic efforts to thwart the Diabolical Plans of a Clandestine Group of Anti-Italian Jews. Their Secret Maneuverings to Destroy the World Financial System, exposed!! How a Greedy Twirp with a Napoleanic Complex single-handedly destroyed Middle Class America.
In plain language that even a bischero can understand, the world renowned financial journalist, investigative reporter, and unrivaled boccalone explains how he saved the world from the brink of ruin.
***
bischero m. (Tuscany) a stupid person, a jerk.
boccalone m. a big mouth, a gossip; (lit.): an enormous mouth.
" The Geraldo Rivera, Carlos Santana, John Oates Threeway Lovechild"
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Deli
SHAMook
Tossing Salad and Taking Names: The Life and Times of Charlie Gasparino
Carol the waitress Simon the fag
A Million Little Pierogies
Dis 'n Dat Side of Paradise
"You'll Never Guess What I Heard in the Equinox Steamroom…"
Pastrami in the Rye
Da Things Dat I Know
Floor Mopper
The Great Greaseball
10 Ways to Look More Like Luigi
laughed @51!
You call that a moustache?
- Freddy Mercury
2 (inches) and 20 (Jager bombs): The Charlie Gasparino Story
"My Sources Are Telling Me"
"What I Got Is Shoot For The Capitalism"
"I'm Hearing That"
@72 ftw
the situation is fluid.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Deli
The Ramblings of a Penis
Snarfed my Diet Coke thanks to @51!!!
Wall Street ATM Machine: Main Street Takes It On the Chin
Reminiscences of a Deli Operator
The Gasman Cummeth
why the picture of groucho marx?
why the picture of groucho marx?
The Mindless of Wall Street
#12… you're hilarious. Give yourself a pat on the back… for being a fucking chucklehead. That joke was old LAST week, you assclown.
#12, give yourself a pat on the back. You're hilarious! Or… you're a complete chucklehead making jokes that were old LAST WEEK. Way to go, assclown. Feel good about your life.