I don’t know how many of you are currently looking for new jobs and suffering through the painful process of figuring out what to say in your cover letter but if I may offer a suggestion– take a page from one ambitious li’l college kid’s playabook. He knew he wanted to work at Goldman Sachs and rather than temper his deep burning desire he shouted it LOUD AND PROUD. He wants to live and bleed Goldman Sachs and he doesn’t care who knows it! He’s not afraid to say, “Lloyd I will lay down in the road for you. I will kill a man in cold blood for you. I will do whatever it takes to get in at Goldman Sachs– no questions asked– UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING.” Even as he writes this letter he’s getting calls and text messages from people asking what stocks he puts his money in today and where they should put it tomorrow– he’s got the street cred and the seed capital to start his own shop over summer break but he’s not gonna cause he wants to do it for you Lloyd! For both of you.
Goldman Sachs Summer Intern Resume And Cover Letter [PDF]
The Only Resume You Need To Land A Job In Finance [BroBible]
I had this dream, I'm in this restaurant, and the waiter brings me my entree. It was a salad. It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach with his penis sticking out of his ear. And I said, "I didn't order this." And the waiter said, "Oh you must try it, it's a delicacy. But don't eat the penis, it's just garnish."
Oh my….. God….
wow. Speechless.
Vayner, can you do this?
@1 I love you.
How much do you really need to know about investing and trading to be able to ask the actual bankers "how many sugars with your coffee?" or "where do I file this?" This kid is in for some real disappointment.
I like this kid.
LLOYD!!!!!!!!!!
Kid only got a 1320 on the SAT equivalent scale that most of us used.
Pretty unimpressive, especially for GS-caliber talent. The university is blocked, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess the name is nothing impressive
@7 it's not blocked in the PDF
We need kids like this in government. If GS passes, I'd love to get in touch with this kid.
- Barney Frank
The rallying cry for him and his ilk:
"WEEE.. AAAARE…. DOUCHEBAGS!!!!!"
@8, do you think it's Tebow?
On another note, Archer, the new show on FX, is chock full of hilarity.
@8 – thanks, just checked it – confirmed my assumption
Is this Tim Tebow's application?
What a pathetic person. I hope this kid does not end up on Wall Street, we don't need another douchebag like him running around, it's people like him that give us a bad name.
Carlos Dunlap wrote this, wasted.
"Lowered Expec-taaay-shuns!"
@3 That crashing sound is the noise made by dozens of hearts breaking at once across these boards. In companies all over America, co-workers are peering over their cubes to see some poor dealbreaker reader writhing in agony on the floor of his pathetic domicile. Dogs howl in terror as their telecommuting owners convulse and puke all over the floor several murmuring ever so quietly "bess….why….why….no…".While all this is happening some bald fuck drops off his Zamboni and begs the gods of the underworld to take his now worthless life. An asian man drops his white board marker while another asian man wonders, in relief, why he stopped. Obama, Bernarke and Geithner in a White House meeting all stop their discussion at the same time. All knowing that some earth changing event has occurred but not quite able to put their finger on it. LD pinches a loaf in the kitchen of his friend's house…..
Sigh….why did you have to do this!
@14 – I didn't think Hollister sold jorts.
@17 FTW
He better be careful, Obama might come after him for the taxable income he failed to report at age 6 and 11. With penalties and interest we are talking millions to the IRS.
@8 Ah, makes a bit more sense now.
University of Florida per PDF.
Figures.
oh my gawsh not another slave. someone call amnesty before these poor kids die.
@23 why? the douchebaggery smacks of a Harvard kid. Or Duke.
He forgot to mention this:
At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's breathtaking… I suggest you try it.
1900 sat score, that does not even put him in the top 10% thats not good enough for God.
with a degree from Florida the best he's going to do is Hollister. I hope they kept his "greeter" job open.
….I forgot to mention on my application – I love juggling kittens, a sport that only my greatness and dedication can bring to Goldman Sachs
"Time is precious, sacred perhaps [...]"
"[...] still understand the importance of patience."
-Bodhidharma, University of Florida, B.A., Expected May 2011
Whoa sonny, blow your load too fast and you're fucked, ease into it, get a good rhythm going, make it last
@31 I feel like I've heard that before somewhere…
http://dealbreaker.com/2010/01/barney-frank-wants...
If one can be naive and skeptical at once, I'm thinking this is a send-up.
- Naieptical
The kid may be a hard working and a financial genius (doubtful) but his over-zealous nature would not a good trader/banker make. Also, and I didn't do the best on the SAT, but going for GS with under a 1400? Godspeed.
Yeah, he goes to U of F, originator of email confirmed.
Plus, Orange Park High School is in Florida, with those kinds of SAT scores, he must have gone local.
He should have added that he securitized his allowance, sold the securities to his friends, but then shorted them and acted like such an ass his parents cut off his allowance…he made a killing!!!
@36 "Yeah, he goes to U of F, originator of email confirmed."
yes, and it also says it in the pdf.
His resume looks like a piece of shit. Maybe Goldman is willing to hire him as a security guard.
the candy thing…he read Greenblatts' little book.
Plagiarism FTW
The cover letter confirms his 580 in Writing. Is this a male cheerleader on the U of F squad or the Rushmaster of a frat?
While I'll allow the possibility it was the notoriously-notorious resume-upload/display software, he needs some help with formatting. That resume isn't good enough for Baird (and he certainly wouldn't pass their "no assholes" test, either).
"Look into my eyes (Lloyd) – you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart – search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for (because it IS)
You know it's true
Everything I do – I do it for you
Look into your heart (do you have one?) – you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am – take my life
I would give it all – I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it – there's nothin' I want more (than the gold scrot)
Ya know it's true
Everything I do – I do it for you
There's no love – like your love
And no other – could give more love
There's nowhere (like 85 Broad) – unless you're there
All the time – all the way (I mean ALL the way, not just 1st base)
Oh – you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it – there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you – I'd lie for you (except on my resume, where it might've made sense)
Walk the wire for you – ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do – I do it for you"
-XOXOXO
I think this kid has achieved what he wanted. With that resume, he wouldnt have attracted any attention at Goldman. Now, a few places will look at him, and maybe he gets a phone interview…a good strategy, I'd say!
he's better off trying a boutique
@45: so would parading around 85 Broad with some vinegar and water
I'm sure there are plenty of people who'd hire the idiot just so they could take pleasure in firing him.
@45 "Now, a few places will look at him, and maybe he gets a phone interview"
how? his name/contact info is not on the resume.
@47:Explains the barricades and a dog outside yesterday?
weak sat scores
Holy Mother of God!
Give me a call..
-Vikram
Yeah! Plus he went to the University of Florida (heard if from the kid himself…so I'm even more connected than @36**)! Hahaha! I'm so much better than he is that it's amazing!His parent's probably couldn't even afford Haravard…what a loser! Did I mention he went to U of F?
(Just trying to fit in and find a reason to comment more often)
**Not really. In fact, I can only wish that I could be compared to @36's level of connectivity. Then I too could flaunt it (under the "guest" moniker of course) for the world to see in the comments section of DealBreaker. If I were that resourceful, I'd just whack my pecker everday until it was blue thinking about myself.
CFA level I candidate if ever there was one.
That "decrease shrink" experience will come in handy at GS
"I'm asking you to do this for us."
…classic
"I just want to say one thing, to the shareholdres and everyone in Goldman Nation. I'm sorry, extremely sorry. We were hoping for 100% returns. That was my goal. It's something that's never been done here. But I will promise you one thing. A lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any banker in the country bank as hard as I will bank the rest of the quarter. You will never see someone push the rest of the group as hard as I will push the rest of the quarter. You will never see a group bank harder than we will the rest of the quarter. God bless."
Am I the only one who feels sorry for this poor, misguided soul?
-Jeffrey Chiang
Forget GS, I will fight to the death for you, Bess.
Tim Tebow
wasnt me. the enlish was too good. what a douchebag
Aleksey Vayner
@headless- are you saying that you think writing a cover letter like this was a wise course of action? because I think it was stupid and that is the only regard in which I'm commenting that I'm better than this kid– because I have the sense to realize telling Goldman Sachs that you- a college sophomore- will be "the best investor they've ever seen."
@21 nice
Wow that's up there with the dude that made an inspiration video. Can someone tell these kids that neither IBD or PWM have anything to do with investing?
-ex-gs
We have an opening in the steamroom at the Equinox. Call me.
-mrp
@65 – He didn't have much of a shot to begin with…so he went with a hail mary.
Wise, maybe not, but I commend him for trying…who knows, maybe it lands him in the backoffice and he works his way out and becomes: THE WORLD'S BEST INVESTOR….or not.
Either way, Vayner was better (or worse).
Florida: The Other South Jersey
I can't believe it took 60 comments for the Tebow speech to come out, what'd everyone peace out early today or what?
speechless….can only hope he at least made the most of the SEC experience down there, but I'm going to guess I had more fun on my junior year fall break trip down south then he has had in his 3 or 4 years
@71 – actually the second time I've thrown it out there. I would BB2N myself but it felt right this time.
Whoever leaked this at Goldman should be fired and/or sued.
Doesn't the lack of ethics here bother anyone, or is the whole Street really full of d–kheads?
CFA or MBA?
@74 his name/identifying details have been hidden. lighten up.
74,
Resumes and applications are punted across the street everyday. Some for good reason (because the candidate is decent, but not right for the sender's firm's culture), and some are forwarded because they're silly or stupid. Unfortunately, this happened to fall into the latter category.
I don't blame the kid, and he'll probably be fun to work with. Maybe this helps. Go get 'em, Gator.
If the kid wants to work for GS he should do what it takes to get into Harvard, get his MBA and a JD and then go join the Borg. Until then he's just another frat boy with a friend who got a $30,000 bonus recently and thinks that a loyalty beg will "get him a shot" at the big time.
Kid, if you are a MAN, that is what you will do. Don't manage those big ball expectations of yours until they EARN the scrotal gold leafing.
At the rate GS is declining (down 6.75 today, over 13 points in two days) he better hurry the eff up and graduate or there won't be anything left.
@79 that was effing good
"Administered exams to students" = brown index finger. Can't be Tebow; no Bible verses.
Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk, waitresses, hot. Football, Florida-Hofstra, slaughter!
The cover letter confirms his 580 in Writing. Is this a male cheerleader on the U of F squad or the Rushmaster of a frat?
Holy Mother of God!
Give me a call..
-Vikram
@65
I think his cover letter was a little over the top…particularly the portion you've referenced and the "asking you to do this for us" closer.
That said, I think the kid's got some balls. Other than that, I agree with Coverd's assessment @69. Lastly, I agree with Lowly Assistant's speculation that he'd probably be fun to work with.
@83 why do you think he'd be fun to work with? his cover letter was in no way humorous (he wasn't doing this tongue in cheek). not saying he's a bad kid, but given your history here, and the lack of anything in the cover letter that would show why he's be "fun" to work with, it's obvious you're just-once again- on your high horse that DB commenters are assholes that you're so much better than.
Aside from this kid being an outright loser, when I see resumes such as this with 3.9 and 4.0 GPAs, they immediately go into the trash.
Only a one-dimensional douchebag with no friends or life could maintain such a GPA. Although he is applying to Goldman, so perhaps a perfect fit.
- LB
i go to uf on scholarship and work crappy jobs to get by. i knew gs wouldn't even look at my application unless it looked like something they had never seen before. i didn't realize how serious the competition was and that even if i did stand out in some small way, i still didn't stand a chance in the end. i may not be from a rich family or a good school, but at least i know what not to write in a cover letter now, the worst part is i still smile when i read over that cover letter.
if it worked it would have been sweet though
i hope he sues and takes them to the cleaners. these resume leaks are totally unprofessional
@86 good on you kid. I hope they at least give you a call (seriously).
I wanna hire this kid. No joke.
84,
Sending something like this to GS, I surmise he's having fun. The writing isn't awful (compared to what I've experienced) and he's (hopefully) creating folly at the world as we know it. I'd grant an interview, just to see what's going on. It's stupid, it's half-assed; however, it's interesting enough to draw attention to the DB crowd.
If you get this kid into the office and he's *seriously* talking about breaking his beer fund into securities, then it's time to go. But from what I gather, he's being ridiculous.
A lot of mileage can be extracted from the quirky bunch. Some hit. Some miss. However, you can *always* depend on the gunner to not give a shit about the work, and focus more on his/her future.
True story.
-Fan de la Underdog
I hate kids like this. I was a summer analyst ('07) and somehow one of these kids that isn't a Harvard Econ, Duke Tennis, Partner's kid/relative finds his way in from a southern school that's go a lot of spunk and enthusiasm, but is just dumb as SHIT. In training, as everybody's going though the excel exercises, he's fumbling over his keys, looking at your fingers…."Oh, ctl, shift!" We don't need another. Or he'll get in though SEO
When this guy gets a response from GS, he's going to cry more than Tim Tebow did after the 2009 SEC championship.
xxx
@89, I need a new intern. Send him my way. — Closeted gay congressman
Comment removed by moderator.
@91….Which employers give Excel training?
~MD using Lotus
@84
See LA's response @90.
The only thing I'd add is that, on the off chance he wasn't doing this with the intention of standing out (if 86 is to be believed), I still like the kid.
I'd sooner take a kid that worked his way though college and has (unrealistically) high hopes for himself and his prospective employer and isn't afraid to put them in writing than another cynical little shit that thinks he's got the whole world already figured out.
If he was smart enough to know that his resume required a cover letter like that to get noticed…he's at least worth an interview. If he was sincere I'd hire an extra person just see what he could do.
More to your criticism, I think he'd be fun to work with because:
- I enjoy being around positive people that want to learn.
- He's idealistic and honest so it'd be entertaining watching him adjust
- If his cover letter is any indication, he's got some interesting stories
- If it turns out that he's entirely out of his depth, he seems like the kind of guy that would have a self-deprecating sense of humor instead of turning into a bitter asshole.
He worked to get through school, still has a high GPA, realized he had little to no shot, so he threw the Hail Mary – I'd hire him over some self-entitled Ivy Leaguer who doesn't want to pay his dues
Earned a 3.9 at the University of Florida. For what, fluffing Tebow?
The correct marketing phrase is "decrease shrinkAGE." Unless the kid actually means that he reduced the number of psychiatrists that he has seen in the past year.
I am the CEO of a hedge fund. What is "Excel"?
91,
Our SEO interns were driven, intellectually curious, and didn't even need H1-B Visas.
-Austin Capital Management
I like the kid's chutzpah, and admire the working through school while still having a good GPA, HOWEVER:
1. The SAT score, which let's be honest doesn't mean much, is a kinda low. I'm curious why.
2. For someone who claims to have been interested in finance for so long, majoring in Polysci and Econ with a BA minor is a semi-strange choice (although certainly not that far out of the ordinary).
he would make a perfect trader…….dumb as a post….the dumber the better……
OK, maybe he is too dumb……..
Does anyone have the original email chain? I want to see which banks this was forwarded to.
@97 – Shit, homey. You just described me. Seriously. Here goes and I have never confessed this, so Bess if you out me, I am going to be pissed.
I went to a state school and was on academic probation for 4 of the five years I was there. I did 4.0 work for the final year, including summer, with extra senior credits, to get my gpa above whatever failing is (see, I don't even remember and I don't care.) I went to work for a shitty company that was acquired by a company just taken over by none other than Sandy Weil. I was politically incorrect for my first year or so until I figured out how to shut the fuck up. I was in the same room with aforesaid fucker and JD of Chase fame during a social hour that they hosted for us (I don't want to say more because if you guess it, I am outed.) Anyway, did that stint for five years and basically did exactly what the job seeker did here. I went for it and I did it in a very bad way. Who cares. I got the jobs, and was fired from nearly every single one of them. Not before I made it pretty high up, with professional designations, licenses, etc out the wazoo now. I am still a stupid fuck and I know it. But, every day I wake up thinking what a lucky son of a bitch I am. I am on Wall Street, making serious money, no MBA (I hire them) and couldn't fucking care less.
I have stories to tell. Tons of them. But, I figure my run isn't quite over. So, I will hold off for now.
Here is my recommendation to you guys/gals at XYZ business school; quit. Get out and make your own money. Prove to yourself that you can make it anywhere, anytime. I mean it. Dial for dollars for a change. Trust me, it is empowering.
@106
If your story is true – let me guess.
1. waspy looking white guy – frat boy type – likely 5'10 or taller
or
2. member of the tribe. Your cavalier attitude toward the academics suggests number 1.
106 is good stuff.
@97 – Made the mistake of hiring a twat like this. Turned out she was dumb as a post, and if you corrected her, she did not respond with some charming witticism about her own ineptitude. She got pissed that your ivy league ass thought it was so much better than hers, and hurled expletives at you. This kid's grandiose sense of self is actually a red flag, not an endearing trait.
@105 by the time it was forwarded to me it'd hit goldman, JPM, citi, calyon, soros, and blackstone.
109,
I'll be the potential misogynist on this board in saying the equation presented by me, HH, and 106 should exclude women. Women that went to inferior schools are traditionally more catty and undermining than the ivy fray. The guys are usually, as HH pointed out, self-deprecating and screwballs that end up showing great worth at crunch time.
/personal experience
@106 lemme guess, broker?
http://www.facebook.com/thejeremykingproject?ref=...
@112 – OP of 106…no, I am not a broker. Never have been. But, thanks for the fucking insult. Not that some people don't make a living in that job.
@114 how can i fucking work for you?
Interview with Jeremy King on Wall Street Oasis here: http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/jeremy-king-e...
@91:
It honestly sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder about the fact that state-schoolers tend to be more successful than the private school kids once they arrive at most investment banks.
Don't worry about it- investment banks typically have much higher standards for the state schoolers they hire. Many Ivy Leaguers are just as successful, too- and if you have the same raw work ethic and intelligence that it took us to get here from state school, I'm sure you can keep up with everyone else's success. I wish you the very best.
He forgot the key entry parameters to IBD: how many photocopies can you take per second, and deadlift of how many Kgs of IPO prospectus.
Rejected; get into weightlifting (while studying an MBA) and we'll talk.
sHaCBe
@118 FTW. Nothing but the truth!
@118 FTW. Nothing but the truth!
Ditto 74. For most firms, campus recruiting is a mostly-pleasant collateral duty which can take a lot of time and offers no career upside for those in a business unit who do it. (I don't know how human resources people feel about it; there are probably much worse jobs in HR.)
Undergraduates do silly stuff all the time in their quests for employment, and it is best to just let the poor attempts go unacknowledged and unrewarded. Publicly releasing job application information like this is almost certainly a terminable offense for whoever sent it. It is very poor judgment to risk losing a good job at GS for a belly laugh at an applicant.
oh. [beep...] it just made me lmfao
@82
awesome
go make yourself today's internet joke of the day…
go make alexey vaynor chuckle quietly to himself…
go gator.
Drunk on a dare he sent this in from a community college in Staten Island. Being obnoxious, overconfident and arrogant with extremely low scores means very little. He sounds like a better fit for the garment center selling piece goods say 40 years ago. Success is about math scores these days. Stop watching "Wall Street" and get a job as a phone operator on QVC.
Sounds like His daddy is a failed Dentist from Great Neck who "encourages" his moronic offspring. STFU and eat your soggy potatoe latkes. With those scores the kid will be lucky to get a job answering phones in a denture factory.
for what?
Cabana boy for Barney minimum wage