shia labeouf helmet.jpgIf I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. Rest assured that this coming April, when we finally get to see Shia LaBeouf in Money Never Sleeps, we can breathe easy knowing that this will not be the performance of some two-bit actor who knows nothing about Wall Street but a market moving BSD who’s sucked it all in and is currently deciding whether his next project will be a rom-com, running a Citadel spin-off Ken Griffin’s dying to land him for, or starting his own shop (potential investors: act quickly and he’ll trim his fees for the first $2bn in AUM with an 8-year lockup). Not only does the Level 1 CFA candidate have his own E*Trade account, read the Wall Street Journal every single day, trade on his cell phone, have Bloomberg on speed dial and “lots of friends in lots of places,” but he’s been briefed on what’s considered a dealbreaker when it comes to landing a coveted gig with Goldman Sachs. And now, he wants to share that wisdom with you.

[LaBeouf] impressed those around him by enthusiastically researching the heady world of proprietary trading, arriving in Manhattan 2½ months early to learn the ropes. And the attitude.
“It is a live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants mentality,” he says. “I talked to a lot of Goldman Sachs people, and one of the requirements of getting a job takes place in the first five minutes of an interview. They take you out to eat. The minute the menu hits the table, if you can’t order within 30 seconds, you don’t have the job.”

Next week: how to survive a whiteboard market attack. ShiLa did an ass-ton of research on this subject, studying under the guru himself.

171 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (171)

  1. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:09 AM

    True. I took Shia out for lunch, and he knew he wanted the tube steak within 5 seconds.
    Obviously I was impressed.
    -LB

  2. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:11 AM

    I have had sex with better looking chicks than that.
    -ping

  3. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:15 AM

    fag.
    -LB

  4. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:16 AM

    does he have any tips on getting hired at sac?

  5. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:17 AM

    okay but how to do you get the interview in the first place? any good cover letter tips?
    -prospective Goldman intern who will fight to the death for gs

  6. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:17 AM

    Are we really sure he's going to pass level I? I mean, if he does, then obviously he's GS material and I'll give him all my money to manage. But what if he gets the dreaded FAIL message on the CFA Institute web site this Wednesday morning?

  7. Posted by Pfluger the Barbaria | January 25, 2010 at 10:20 AM

    To help prospective Goldman Associates, here are some of the more popular items on the menu of the restaurant you will be taken to.
    Main Courses:
    Bouillon kreplech
    Bouillon lochn (tagliatelles fraîches)
    Hareng haché
    Shtetl des mers
    Klops
    Goulach Mamaliga à la Roumaine
    Choucroute Ashkénaze
    Pot au feu
    Dessert Menu:
    Tchoulent (plat du Shabbat – ragoût de bœuf mijoté avec pommes de terre et haricots, servi uniquement le vendredi soirSacher torte (fondant au chocolat
    Gâteau aux pommes à la Juive
    Mlinchkes Strudel

  8. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:25 AM

    @8 FTW
    Ok–I'll bite, he's not really signed up for Level I is he? I can't think of a bigger waste of time…

  9. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:31 AM

    okay so who at GS do we think SL met with? interns? security guards? LB's scrots?

  10. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:32 AM

    "sucked it all in" is right.
    -LB

  11. Posted by highlyconfident | January 25, 2010 at 10:32 AM

    I had the same thing at an interview for Citigroup only Vikram Pandit personally drove me through the McDonald's drivethru in his minivan. I had 30 seconds to order something off the dollar menu while he shouted animal noises. In the end I didn't get the job because I forgot to order him an extra McFlurry (buckling under the pressure as he referred to it). Weird part was it was only a first round interview.

  12. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:36 AM

    If you can't order in a half a minute, you're off the shortlist because they've got an algorithm that's perfected down to 31 seconds to front run your order.

  13. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:36 AM

    @11, I meant for Shia, but WTF do you care about my opinion?
    @12, I think he either talked to an assistant in PWM or just made the entire story up to sound cool.

  14. Posted by Indian Associate | January 25, 2010 at 10:37 AM

    @1 that was amazing. I actually LOL'd

  15. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:38 AM

    Gobbledygook @8 FTW!

  16. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:39 AM

    shudn't take longer than 30 seconds when ur at gray's papaya

  17. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:40 AM

    I'll have everything on the menu.
    Ivan B

  18. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:41 AM

    @18 ftw

  19. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:42 AM

    Grab your ankles, LeBeef, cuzI have a box of Crayola's with your name on it!!!!
    -ping

  20. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:43 AM

    He says "30 seconds" like it's such a long time . . .

  21. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:52 AM

    Hell I got that far. I think where I fucked up is when I ordered the Boston Creme pie for dessert and asked for two forks so we could split it.

  22. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 10:53 AM

    Bess, my spies tell me in fact KG wants this SLB to run his investment bank.
    Quoth SLB: "I talked to a lot of Citadel people, and one of the requirements of the job takes place in the first 5 months of the insane guarantee. They take you out to eat at their favorite shake shack so you put on some pounds and don't make the Griff look bad. But the first month you hit the trading floor, if you can't build a franchise bigger than Goldman Sachs within 30 days, you don't have a job."

  23. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 11:02 AM

    @18 & 27 – yes but what do your spies tell you

  24. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 11:10 AM

    @14 LOL, literally.

  25. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 11:12 AM

    gucci loafers = SUCKER.

  26. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 11:15 AM

    Shia friended me on Facebook.
    — Jeffrey C.

  27. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 11:17 AM

    @31, No shiat!! I told GS that if they hired me, I'd spit polish Shia's helmet with my tongue.

  28. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 11:25 AM

    BEOUF IS BEEF IN FRENCH.
    If he walks into the company cantine he will see himself being eaten.

  29. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 11:48 AM

    The horror.
    JC

  30. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 12:13 PM

    He's looks like an absolute goon in that picture, which means 1) Mr. Stone has no frickin clue what traders look like, and 2) Shia is a boy lover for saying yes to looking like that.
    This movie's gonna suck.

  31. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 12:22 PM

    @35 he doesn't look like a goon, he looks like an investor relations girl at Ping Capital.

  32. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 12:52 PM

    @26 Sharing a cream pie is definitely OK at Goldman. Must have been something else.

  33. Posted by Dark Helmet | January 25, 2010 at 3:30 PM

    use the schwartz

  34. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 3:33 PM

    @14 post of the day

  35. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 2:43 PM

    He says “30 seconds” like it’s such a long time . . .

  36. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 2:53 PM

    Bess, my spies tell me in fact KG wants this SLB to run his investment bank.
    Quoth SLB: “I talked to a lot of Citadel people, and one of the requirements of the job takes place in the first 5 months of the insane guarantee. They take you out to eat at their favorite shake shack so you put on some pounds and don’t make the Griff look bad. But the first month you hit the trading floor, if you can’t build a franchise bigger than Goldman Sachs within 30 days, you don’t have a job.”

  37. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 5:42 PM

    “I talked to a lot of Goldman Sachs people, and one of the requirements of getting a job takes place in the first five minutes of an interview. They take you out to eat. The minute the menu hits the table, if you can’t order within 30 seconds, you don’t have the job. Contrast that to when I went to lunch with the Ameriprise guys, and one of them tried to sell me his Tony Robbins videos while the other guys ate like fucking pigs and skipped out on the bill."

  38. Posted by guest | January 25, 2010 at 6:00 PM

    Shia LaBeouf ruined Transformers, ruined Indiana Jones, and he will ruin Wall Street, if already hasn't. The only reason OS is doing MNS is because he feels guilt over WS. Truly, OS wouldn't last a day in Ayn Rand world (WTF is guilt!!??).
    @14 was post of the day!
    If LaBeouf is a CFA1, E*Trading, Wall Street Journal reading genius, he will give hope and dreams to all those who want to be millionares, after starting out billionares!

  39. Posted by guest | January 26, 2010 at 4:51 AM

    silly douche is silly

  40. Posted by guest | January 26, 2010 at 6:26 AM

    You could drop this twerp in between Ashley's mammary and he'd sink out of sight.

  41. […] then, Shia will no doubt continue to use his E*Trade account and put all that knowledge from his intense research for the role to […]

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  43. Posted by Guest | September 24, 2010 at 7:30 PM

    Lie. Complete lie. I work on Wall Street. I know many GS employees, BlackRock employees, Morgan employees, etc. etc. etc. He is lying about all of it.

  44. Posted by Guest | September 24, 2010 at 7:30 PM

    Lie. Complete lie. I work on Wall Street. I know many GS employees, BlackRock employees, Morgan employees, etc. etc. etc. He is lying about all of it.

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