• 24 Feb 2010 at 12:24 PM

Jamie Dimon Wanted In Hotlanta

jamiedimon.jpgJamie Dimon is the most-loved CEO on Wall Street. There’s no debating that. Obama loves him, the press loves him, tweens love him, we love him. He’s devastatingly charming, handsome, and smart. He’s got integrity oozing out of every orifice. He’s funny. Good at basketball. He can fix things around the house. The list goes on. There is one thing you don’t know about JD, though. Despite having a pretty jam-packed schedule, what with his job running a multi-billion dollar corporation and beating men, women and children off with a stick, he’s somehow found the time to fit in bi-weekly runs to Atlanta. To dump used tires. Illegally. According to City Solicitor Raines Carter. Who’s issued a warrant for Jamie’s arrest.

Atlanta City Solicitor Raines Carter told CBS Atlanta News that the city has issued an arrest warrant for the person they believe is responsible for an illegal tire dump located at 1462 Memorial Drive. “We have filed a citation against this entity and it is our intention to prosecute this entity in court for that violation,” said Carter.
The city solicitor said a bank executive in New York is the person responsible for cleaning up the hundreds of tires that are piled up on the property. The arrest citation names James Dimon as the responsible person. He’s the CEO of JPMorgan Chase Bank.
“It is certainly our intention for him to be aware of this because we want something done about this as soon as possible,” said Carter

Yeah! How they gonna make JD “aware” of this? Meeting him at the gate Hartsfield-Jackson between connecting flights and slapping cuffs on his ass, that’s how! Then sentencing him to community service, Boy George-style. That’ll send a message.

Comments (57)

  1. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:34 PM

    Did anyone check the #2 orifice to sample the integrity he has down there?

  2. Posted by ExtraordinaryPopularDelusions | February 24, 2010 at 12:36 PM

    true off-balance-sheet accounting, from the streets

  3. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:36 PM

    Take off its mask and you will find Maxine Waters underneath !!

  4. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:37 PM

    Take off its mask and you will find Maxine Waters underneath !!

  5. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | February 24, 2010 at 12:41 PM

    “By the way,” I can relate to JD, ex-specially da part about him being devastatingly charming, handsome, smart, and wit integrity oozing out of every orifice. I shit wisdom, ya know.
    - The Thug

  6. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:41 PM

    Looks like Jamie smells something fowl. Is Paulson nearby?
    Oh, and he also looks so regal in that pic… Should make Tax Chicka all hot and bothered.

  7. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:46 PM

    If he’s going to be arrested for anything, its for: “beating men, women and children off”

  8. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 24, 2010 at 12:48 PM

    I have it on good authority that Jamie can also be connected to the Gowanus Canal’s clap sitch.
    http://therealdeal.com/newyork/articles/clap-trap-gonorrhea-in-the-gowanus

  9. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:48 PM

    @6
    *foul
    Not funny. Try again.

  10. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:53 PM

    50/50 on “fowl” being a typo or reference to bird watching

  11. Posted by NakedShort | February 24, 2010 at 12:55 PM

    Did I ever tell you about the time Jamie took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally JD takes me to a vacant lot and says, ‘Here we are.’ We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Jamie yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found em!’

  12. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 12:56 PM

    @10 Where’s the Joke Briefer when you need him?
    -9

  13. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:00 PM

    Jamie Dimon? Integrity? Please.

  14. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:01 PM

    @12
    oops.
    -9 = -6

  15. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:01 PM

    Jamie Dimon? Integrity? Please.

  16. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:03 PM

    What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate…

  17. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:03 PM

    @13 I think there are a lot of Bear guys and gal’s that have a lot to say about JD’s integrity.
    - not a Bear cub

  18. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:04 PM

    Bess, I’m on to you, trying to turn us all gay. The one thing I don’t get is: why?

  19. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:06 PM

    “devastatingly charming, handsome, and smart. He’s got integrity oozing out of every orifice. He’s funny. Good at basketball. He can fix things around the house.”
    are we to infer these are the things bl looks for in a man?

  20. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:08 PM

    @19 besides the part about b-ball (pretty sure she’s a hockey fan), yes.

  21. Posted by volatilitysmile | February 24, 2010 at 1:09 PM

    @ 18 – she likes to spice it up, occasionally? Or, even better, she would like to make us bat for the other team, and then, being a preeminent woman, will get us straightened up (hat tip, Missis Falcone)?

  22. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:09 PM

    JD: Smell my fingers. Seriously. Smell them. I totally finger banged LB last night.

  23. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:18 PM

    They are “treading” on thin ice with that tire warrant. JD might get “black-walled” in the industry. And he was on his way to having a “Goodyear”.

  24. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate…

  25. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    @23 not bad.

  26. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:25 PM

    total rim job.

  27. Posted by Anal_yst | February 24, 2010 at 1:26 PM

    Ok, so because Chase apparently owns the property upon which said tires are/have-been dumped, and because the chase branch didn’t respond to the Solicitor, they decided to issue a warrant for the f*cking CEO of one of the biggest companies in the world?
    Facepalm…

  28. Posted by Tax Chick | February 24, 2010 at 1:39 PM

    @6 – Regal?! He looks like he just caught a wiff of LB’s nuclear scrot or Vickles day old curry.

  29. Posted by Perkins Maxwell | February 24, 2010 at 1:48 PM

    Anal_yst@27: yes, but want to bet those tires are gone in a week?
    I sort of applaud the Atlanta sanitation dept or whoever on this one–they know bankers are currently terrified of bad publicity.

  30. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 1:56 PM

    @7,
    No doubt. Beating off men and women is one thing, but children too? Come on Jamie, that’s appalling.

  31. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 2:09 PM

    @27: I think it’s pretty genius actually.
    But I’m sure the buck stops with….Dimon’s team of lawyers.

  32. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 2:21 PM

    Jamie Dimon? Integrity? Please.

  33. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 2:22 PM

    Jamie Dimon? Integrity? Please.

  34. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 2:22 PM

    Jamie Dimon? Integrity? Please.

  35. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 2:41 PM

    And while he’s down there he can pick up some other items just laying around, SNV & STI

  36. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 3:14 PM

    he’s definitely trying to get one of his own pubes out from being stuck between his teeth after BHO gave him an unexpected snowball at dinner the other night

  37. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 3:14 PM

    he’s definitely trying to get one of his own pubes out from being stuck between his teeth after BHO gave him an unexpected snowball at dinner the other night

  38. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 3:15 PM

    he’s definitely trying to get one of his own pubes out from being stuck between his teeth after BHO gave him an unexpected snowball at dinner the other night

  39. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 3:16 PM

    he’s definitely trying to get one of his own pubes out from being stuck between his teeth after BHO gave him an unexpected snowball at dinner the other night

  40. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 3:22 PM

    My daughter hangs a full sized picture of him above her bed. Bess, do I know you?

  41. Posted by CoveredLong | February 24, 2010 at 3:46 PM

    I’m so tired of watching people spin their wheels on pointless issues like this…they need to get some traction and start moving in a positive direction.
    …and yes I can totally see Maxine Waters come and try to rubber nose in this matter.
    Let’s just hope this case doesn’t turn into a (toyo) proxy battle.

  42. Posted by NakedShort | February 24, 2010 at 3:50 PM

    Why hasnt Phil LeBeau weighed in on this issue yet?

  43. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 3:51 PM

    As we speak, he is hatching a nefarious plan to screw all of your girlfriends in an extremely uncomfortable place…

  44. Posted by NakedShort | February 24, 2010 at 3:53 PM

    @43 Tax Court?

  45. Posted by the opportunist | February 24, 2010 at 3:57 PM

    I hear timmay got into vogue by flashing his tampons. Keep pouting and you’ll make it too, buddy.

  46. Posted by EricM | February 24, 2010 at 9:50 PM

    Could someone ring up Arlo Guthrie? This thing is delivered, wrapped in a bow for him.

  47. Posted by guest | February 24, 2010 at 11:56 PM

    Well played @41!!

  48. Posted by guest | February 25, 2010 at 1:44 AM

    and he has a big dick.

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  55. [...] failed to notice, Jamie Dimon is a winner and he will not be made a fool (I’m looking at you Atlanta prosecutors). He accepted this speaking engagement on the condition that he would be addressing champions. [...]

  56. [...] be known: you do not have to be a strapping, beautiful, devastatingly charming bank executive and no friend of the city of Atlanta to have university students get their panties in a bunch over your speaking engagements at their [...]

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