• 17 Feb 2010 at 11:53 AM

Lucas Van Praag’s Secret Weapon

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Picture 163.pngGiven that he’s a celebrity spokesman, most of you should be aware of Lucas Van Praag’s pedigree by now. The mouth of Goldman Sachs was born and raised in England, graduated from the University of Durham, and prior to entering the world of PR, learned a most important life skill as a Navy officer: how to kill a man. But now that his guns have been taken away, how does manage to issue such blistering, withering statements, day after day, hour after hour, that make his opponents want to curl up and die and translated from their original old English mean approximately “I can’t believe I’m forced to exist in the same airspace as you” and “kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone”? Obviously devastating superciliousness is innate skill but it turns out LvP does have a source of power we’ve been unaware of up until this point. Any ideas? If you guessed cock ring, I can understand where you’re coming from. Most Masters of the Universe have a c-ring on at any given time during business hours. But no, because Lucas’s is a bit more genteel than that, and also, he doesn’t have time to be zipping and unzipping all day when reporters come a’ calling to kiss it before proceeding with questions.

His father, Louis…wore a monocle. Goldman’s spokesperson does not, though he is known for a pinky ring.

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Comments (127)

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  1. 1
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 11:55 AM

    Fat headed Limey Assclown.

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 11:57 AM

    @1 come down here and say that to my face.
    -LvP

  3. 3
    Posted by merkin capital partners | February 17, 2010 at 11:58 AM

    U of Durham? Where are they on the Tobacco Road pecking order? Does he like prostitutes with “keisha”
    tattooed on their upper boob?

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:00 PM

    U of D is oxford’s oldest college, in England, you stupid redneck.

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:02 PM

    @4 – where is England, NC? Is that near Charlotte?

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:03 PM

    @4 you pencilneck, U of D is a separate university, not a college that is part of Oxford
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durham_University

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:04 PM

    @5 don’t comment again until you have something marginally amusing to say.
    -lvp

  8. 8
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:04 PM

    Suck it, Lucas Van Faag. Suck it long. Suck it hard.
    -Jorge Zoros

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:06 PM

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Peanut

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:06 PM

    @6 my point was that @3 is a god damn moron, who thought U of D was in North Carolina.

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:07 PM

    LvP = Schultz and Klink’s love child??

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    And the world watches on aghast as 6 does huge damage to the notion that fatheaded American assclowns ‘get’ irony

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:13 PM

    @12 = Canadian
    -4

  14. 14
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    This guy is a Von toolbox. No wonder why everyone hates Goldman

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:15 PM

    pinky=euphemism for cock.

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:19 PM

    In honor of Ash Wednesday, Lucas Van Praag is a douche.
    -Pope on a Rope

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    @4, @6, @10 -
    “The University of Durham, commonly known as Durham University, is a university in Durham, England.”
    Clear enough for you?
    I love Wikipedia.

  18. 18
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:22 PM

    @17 not sure why you felt the need to tell me something I clearly stated having already known.
    -6/10

  19. 19
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:27 PM

    Just to set the record straight (as i often must do), I keep it unzipped all the time.
    LvP

  20. 20
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:29 PM

    @19 thank you

  21. 21
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:33 PM

    surely 4 was joking or are americans really that unintelligent?

  22. 22
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    “translated from their original old English mean approximately “I can’t believe I’m forced to exist in the same airspace as you” and “kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone””
    is he hiring?
    -k powers

  23. 23
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:37 PM

    @ 21; US college system = football team+keg party+remdial learning.

  24. 24
    Posted by merkin capital partners | February 17, 2010 at 12:40 PM

    @10, brits….clearly sarcasm is not learned in your educational system. No wonder Monty Python sucks so much ass.

  25. 25
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 12:46 PM

    that’s right because even to this day laverne and shirlye looks like really relevant comedy

  26. 26
    Posted by american bandersnatch | February 17, 2010 at 1:03 PM

    @21 – No, we are fairly unintelligent. However, we do enough know not to put in place punitive taxes that drive our top money managers to Switzerland.

  27. 27
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 1:14 PM

    @4 you SOB, You don’t know nuthin about being redneck.
    -South Carolinian (home of the real USC)

  28. 28
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    Isnt that School part of Hogwarts? Dont all brits go to magic boarding schools???

  29. 29
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 1:26 PM

    @21 No they just enjoy pissing on her majesty’s subjects.

  30. 30
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 1:44 PM

    @4/21 you don’t know redneck til you been to the local dirt track race and you don’t know college football til you been to a USC game (yes the gamecocks)
    -Redneck from South Carolina who apreciaties irony, sarcasm, and canadians

  31. 31
    Posted by volatilitysmile | February 17, 2010 at 4:20 PM

    I need to cram on my remdial learning, too, @23.

  32. 32
    Posted by guest | February 17, 2010 at 4:39 PM

    @25 – Lenny and Squiggy were paragons of comedy.

  33. 33
    Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 17, 2010 at 6:46 PM

    What’s an England?

  34. 34
    Posted by guest | February 18, 2010 at 9:13 AM

    Too English inferiority complex, didn’t read.
    Oxbridge produces preening, isolated, panty men who melt in the face of actually laying hands on anything that directly results in generating profit.
    Say what you will about the American university system (and I often say worse than most), but the finest American schools produce leaders that drive the world forward. English universities produce the back seat drivers.

  35. 35
    Posted by guest | February 18, 2010 at 9:18 AM

    Too English inferiority complex, didn’t read.
    Oxbridge produces preening, isolated, panty men who melt in the face of actually laying hands on anything that directly results in generating profit.
    Say what you will about the American university system (and I often say worse than most), but the finest American schools produce leaders that drive the world forward. English universities produce the back seat drivers.

  36. 36
    Posted by guest | February 18, 2010 at 9:18 AM

    Too English inferiority complex, didn’t read.
    Oxbridge produces preening, isolated, panty men who melt in the face of actually laying hands on anything that directly results in generating profit.
    Say what you will about the American university system (and I often say worse than most), but the finest American schools produce leaders that drive the world forward. English universities produce the back seat drivers.

  37. 37
    Posted by Breaking Media | March 1, 2010 at 2:43 AM

    I am what I am; I am my own special creation.

  38. 38
    Posted by Damn It Doesn’t Feel Good To Be A Bankster… At Least Not At Goldman Sachs | December 20, 2011 at 6:15 AM

    [...] Lucas Van Praag’s Secret Weapon [...]

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