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Poll: Should Stephen Schwarzman Kill A Whale Today?

stephenschwarzmansrealhands.JPGBy now you’ve probably heard about the killer whale, Tilikum, that savagely murdered an SeaWorld employee today in front of a packed audience (according to a guest, the trainer was “thrashed around pretty good” and at one point, one of her shoes flew off). A devastating tragedy, and something that perhaps calls for an avenging. By whom? Stephen Schwarzman, ’cause Blackstone owns SeaWorld.


The firm has put out a statement that but I think SS needs to do something a little more…intense. Like getting on a plane, taking matters into his own hands and harpooning this bitch. Or is that too much? Clearly it’s a tough call. And one the Blackstone chief, who loves marine life, might not be up to making. So let’s do it for him. Should Schwarzman take Mr. T out? And if so, how?

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41 Responses to “Poll: Should Stephen Schwarzman Kill A Whale Today?”

  1. guest says:

    kill it!

  2. guest says:

    First analyst that can chug the dork dry gets 2k

  3. guest says:

    @stephen- put a cap in her ass

  4. guest says:

    Give the whale to the japanese.
    Boom! Done!

  5. guest says:

    harpoon from a zodiak!

  6. guest says:

    @3
    Bit severe don’t you think? All Bess did was report on it.

  7. guest says:

    Bad news, WC doesn’t apply to intentional torts.

  8. guest says:

    Make whale eat live dynamite. Boom, sucka!

  9. guest says:

    killing a killer whale is the new killing it

  10. NakedLong says:

    if it bleeds, we can kill it

  11. guest says:

    Wow, talk about offensive. Somebody dies under horrible circumstances and you use it as an opportunity to make jokes about Steve Schwarzman?

  12. guest says:

    Wow, talk about offensive. Somebody dies under horrible circumstances and you use it as an opportunity to make jokes about Steve Schwarzman?

  13. guest says:

    Wow, talk about offensive. Somebody dies under horrible circumstances and you use it as an opportunity to make jokes about Steve Schwarzman?

  14. highlyconfident says:

    I’ve taken down many a whale in my day… leave this one to me.
    -Guy who fucked Maria Bartiromo

  15. Bess Levin says:

    @12-15 the only reason you could possibly have to be offended is if you’re a relative of the whale. I said this was a devastating tragedy, one so bad that something needs to be done about it, and I was deadly serious, not joking.

  16. guest says:

    If Schwartzman’s really that smart he’ll put the man-eater in a tank of formaldehyde and sell it Steve Cohen for $40 million. That should cover the law suit.

  17. guest says:

    @17 fantastic idea

  18. guest says:

    @16
    “deadly serious”?!??! Could you be a bit more sensitive in your word choice?

  19. guest says:

    $2000 to the first trader to eat the entire whale and not puke for 2.5 hours.

  20. guest says:

    @11 nice reference- it was on last night.

  21. guest says:

    @11 nice reference- it was on last night.

  22. The guy who comments on the comments says:

    @2 Ftw
    @12-14 Gay
    @15 Honorable mention

  23. guest says:

    Whale eats tuna. It happens all the time. Why are folks surprised this happened?

  24. guest says:

    Whale eats tuna. It happens all the time. Why are folks surprised this happened?

  25. guest says:

    @17 Brilliant! I’m sure Larry Gagosian is chasing down Damien Hurst allready.

  26. guest says:

    So the killer whale finally lived up to it’s reputation. What took so long?

  27. guest says:

    So the killer whale finally lived up to it’s reputation. What took so long?

  28. guest says:

    Is that a picture of LOBSTERCLOPS?

  29. guest says:

    @19? Maybe this blog is a bit above your reading level? Try some picture books and then work up to Dealbreaker, slowly. Nobody wants to see you injur yourself trying to comprehend it all without a bit more practice first. Good luck little guy!

  30. Anal_yst says:

    @26
    If you saw Hirst’s latest “animal” in a tank @ Gagosian the other week, which they said would fetch what, $10-20mmm, I think this Killer Whale would go for an easy $100mm, no?

  31. merkin capital partners says:

    I don’t even understand the concept of offensive and if you do your time is probably best spent on a gawker site debating whether this act was racist or anti-gay.
    I am shocked that a killer whale ate a person. Next thing you know, the sharks will start rebelling. (No need to worry SC)

  32. guest says:

    @merkin- this isn’t a gawker site. you dumb fuck.

  33. guest says:

    “Gherkin tsk, tsk.” @33 Isn’t that how you usually romance your merkin?
    – not a merkin

  34. guest says:

    I love to hump dead whales, have since I was a wee lad. Let me at him. Just for a little but. Please? Just a couple of humps.

  35. guest says:

    I eat dork rolls every time I go for sushi

  36. guest says:

    @33 manners! if you’re going to call someone a dumb fuck it’s proper etiquette to at least understand what he was saying.
    @gherkin I understood you. I always do. I read you between the lines.
    @34 yes, 33 wasn’t me.

  37. Roy Horn says:

    I’m shocked, SHOCKED I say, to hear that a highly trained, yet wild, animal would attack its trainer.

  38. merkin capital partners says:

    Oh, @37 my sweet muse.
    @34 you affirmative action admit, clearly reading comp was not your strong suit.

  39. merkin capital partners says:

    Oh, @37 my sweet muse.
    @33 you affirmative action admit, clearly reading comp was not your strong suit.

  40. dear your great working….

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