Bloomberg Markets magazine has a long profile on SAC Capital today, and the grand poobah who runs the place, Stevie C. For those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of working for the king, here’s a bit of a primer.
* For the serious neophytes, who should be ashamed of themselves for not knowing the big man’s likes and dislikes: “He doesn’t like noise, so the phones on the floor don’t ring; they light up.” Make one move, one audible squeak that disturbs him, be it a hiccup or moan of ecstasy at the hand of a whiteboard marker and you’re out of there.
* Don’t forget your fleece (“Cohen maintains the temperature on the trading floor at 69 degrees Fahrenheit (21 degrees Celsius) to make sure no one dozes”) though in all seriousness, I’d slay a newborn if one of you would offer yourselves up as a test to see what exactly would happen were you caught sleeping on the floor during the course of a trading day. For extra points, make your snoring audible about 15 minutes from the close, and once he approaches your desk, open your eyes like he just woke you up and go “I’m tired baby what are you doing?” then roll over and close your eyes again. Oh, someone please do this. Berkowitz, I know you don’t sit on the floor, but please, take one for the team.
* If you don’t know your shit, you are gonna get called out. Simple as that: “If a portfolio manager or analyst can’t answer a question about a stock, Cohen is likely to lash out. ‘Do you even know how to do this f—ing job?’ is a standard barb, current and former employees say.” I see nothing wrong with this.***
* And guess what, fucksticks? You’re not the only ones who will get the horns if you mess with this bull. Remember this? What the short clip didn’t include was what happened later in the show: “Cohen…spars with a man in a muscle shirt in the audience after admitting he slept with his ex-wife while courting Alexandra.”
* Okay, but enough about how you’re going to get your ass stomped inside out for being an idiot or audibly breathing, which you’ll have probably deserved. Working at SAC can be really fun too. Like a Saturday night at the Laugh Factory: “The boss has a sense of humor that’s dry, along the lines of Jerry Seinfeld, former employees say. In September 2008, before Lehman’s bankruptcy, Cohen sent a companywide e-mail: It’s all up to the government now. I have no idea what will happen. Good luck to you all. This is a recording.” (Also: the “Steve-isms.” Oh that you should one day have the “Steve-isms” in your life.)
* There will be a quiz on this: “Working at SAC is tough, even as hedge funds go. One of the worst aspects, at least for people who like weekends, is Sunday “homework.” Every week from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m., Cohen has his portfolio managers and analysts call in to tell him what’s coming up that week for the companies they follow.” If you can’t cut it, like one former analyst who “says she worked every weekend one summer before, fed up, she quit,” good riddance.
* And you should be so lucky as to work every day all summer. Goldman’s 57 interview process is child’s play compared to what SAC’s gonna put you through. “…an interview process that can take 14 months, including multiple rounds with executives, including Cohen, and a background check that employees joke will turn up the name of a candidate’s second-grade teacher.”
* Also, not interested in hearing any bitching about this: “Managers’ contracts have ‘down-and-out’ clauses: lose 5 percent from your peak assets, and SAC can take away half of what remains. Suffer a 10 percent loss, and you could be out. ”
* Like basically every company in corporate America, but especially hedge funds, your IMs will be monitored and recorded. There are extra precautions taken at SAC though, so consider not dishing about the bra sizes of your co-workers over AIM, utterly hilarious as the contents of that conversation might be, as someone’s probably reading it right now: “Cohen’s staff of 800 includes 20 legal and compliance workers who, among other things, monitor instant messages and e-mails, including those sent and received by Cohen.”
* Honestly, though, you’re gonna love it, especially the camaraderie, not unlike the kind you’d find in a fraternity house or on an ante-bellum slave plantation: “It was a brotherhood,” says Dan Cherniack, who with Cohen started the firm that became SAC
* This isn’t a ‘what it’ll be like for you’ so much as an opportunity for us to say, how dare you, Bloomberg News: “Cohen prefers jeans and sweaters to suits and looks more like a tax accountant on casual Friday than a trading titan running a $12 billion hedge fund firm.”
* And a final plea, to SC. NEVER LEAVE US. “It’s Cohen’s ability to adapt to a changing environment that’s his biggest strength,” Infinity Capital’s Vale says. “My biggest fear is that he retires.” As is mine, Vale. As is mine.
Photo credit: Bloomberg Markets Magazine.
***The young trader meeting with Steve in the Suburban, in the few minutes he had to spare during the drive home, who was told he was so stupid that he didn’t deserve to be riding in the car, followed by a silence that implied, “I am seriously considering telling you to get out and walk” may have seen it differently. And that’s why he’s a B-team player.
not that there’s anything wrong with that…
did that really happen? in the suburban?
“moan of ecstasy at the hand of a whiteboard marker”
Awesome.
Hey poobah- I hit it too, in the hot tub
- The Situation
@3 That’s what’s she said!
-Michael “I don’t make my employees work, even on weekends because I’m the beast boss in the world” Scott
“Cohen is lifting the veil because he must, says Peter Rup,” as if mere mortals like Peter Rup have any idea what SAC “must” do.
Seems more like, SAC flashes those baby blues & that winning smile and –voila!– next thing you know he’s got an extra $1.3bio to play with.
““Cohen’s staff of 800 includes 20 legal and compliance workers who, among other things, monitor instant messages ”
just waiting for bess to tell us the story here…
I realized yesterday how useless and meaningless my life is.
I will now commit suicide by digesting a 1 l bottle of Chateau Virant olive oil.
Will provide live updates.
@8 no one cares
He should donate his brain to the Smithsonian.
@8 VS – I think all of us achieved enlightenment through the teeachings of Bud0nkey.
Enlightenment sucks.
My preferred method will be drinking 5 gallons of water.
A 10% stop loss. Ouch. That seems awfully harsh, don’t you think?
In other news, we lost $9B and nobody gives a sh*t. Such a cruel, unfair world.
~AIG quant
This is the funniest write up I think I’ve ever read on this website and that’s saying something.
@13 agreed. bravo, bess.
Oh no… here we go.
I fire mofos for losing 5%. Amateurs.
Izzy
I don’t get what the fascination is with this guy. He looks like Humpty Dumpty.
Credit Suisse Houston Secure
@17 last I checked no one is ‘fascinated’ by steve b/c of how he looks.
since when is 69 degrees considered cold?
18,
Wrong.
Signed,
Steve Cohen’s Untamed Lapel
Does he have any pets?
-DK
That’s true about the IMs, fuckers. You better fear me.
-Peter “I’m watching you” Nussbaum
I like 98 degreez better.
-Bawney Fwank
So with 20 compliance dicks reading every message, how did they miss all that insider trading shit?
Having vast amounts of money allows you to be a vast asshole should you so desire.
@24 they’re not monitoring the IMs for insider trading, but for much more serious stuff. Former employees will tell you that.
I just had free pizza. I work at a fund of hedge funds, they usually charge me for excess printer use.
Bess, if give the chance, and with no repercussions, would you ever make sweet sweet love to Stevie?
fake peter nussbaum@22 +100
In all seriousness, I cannot wait for BL’s definitive story on SC/SAC.
@24 raises a good question. Isn’t that SAC place where some male traders have to wear a dress to become better traders? Thank God I’m a manly energy trader. I learned that from my time at Neste btw.
@13 seconded
I love black people.
-Not Stevie
I would seriously like to fight this guy…
I know a guy who is a real douche who works for Intrinsic, he doesnt mention any of this btw.
“….And guess what, fucksticks?….”
Thanks for bringing the noun “fucksticks” back into play, Bess!! I haven’t seen “fucksticks” in print since an anecdotal report about Avista some years back.
re the pic: nice (trash) cans.
@34 most of the ppl who work at cr are douchebags, much more so than SAC proper.
@ 15 – because of you, I drank this poison. All I do now is cover the live-clubbed-baby-seals-upholstered sofa with Shamwow, to no avail.
@ 9 – you have no idea how right you are, sunshine. continue to enlighten me.
Steve = Bizzaro George Constanza.
@ 27 WTF are you talking about?
I was DAZZLED by this SAC post. I’m being SERIAL.
Few will remember any of this 100 years from now. Except, perhaps, for the ticket taker at the National Asshole Museum on “SAC Day”.
@ 11 – you complete me, l’haim.
@ NS – as the chief honcho of HBC LLC, when are you treating investors to golf (or, could we just skip to watching The Cougar Hunter)?
Where are the clients’ assholes?
@41/NS, yes, of course, that suddenly makes so much sense. But were you vejazzled?
what kind of a moron would wanna work for such a jackass? and speaking of morons, I just saw here that the woman who wrote the report yesterday on China buying gold from the IMF had no official sources:
http://www.goldalert.com/gold-price-blog.php
- big surprise
work on Sundays? you could not pay me enough
Think you mean sacjazzled?
you could not pay me enough to work for this greedy, vile, evil jew.
@VS Most of our investors find a simple golf outing a tad blasé. We usually start our investor evenings with drinks, dinner and laughs at The Cheesecake Factory. From there well head to our local community park for various festivities: round robin 4 Square Tournament (no Black Magic, or Double Taps), Red Rover, Lawn Darts and then just to get the blood flowing an all inclusive game of Smeer the Queer. There is no better end to the night than with multiple viewings of The Wedding Date with Deborah Messing while we sip Chablis on ice.
@46 I’ve had my happy trail vajazzled since 2006.
considering the guy has hundreds of millions in art, i for one find it odd that the background her chooses to be photographed in front of is a bunch of garbage cans.
I would love to sneak into the offices and take a gigantic dump on this guys desk.
Something tells me stevie got stuffed in a few lockers when he was a boy…
What a punk. I’d like to take him deer hunting.
he holds the keys to the golden shower kingdom. that’s whay you want to work for him.
Just looking at that pic makes me think he’s a titan at Waste Management
@ 51 – you make me want to inject capital now. seems like an ethical investment opportunity. is HBC still negatively correlated to cleave?
next time in town, will stop by to say hi. j’espere que tu n’a rien contre.
P.S./No thoughts on the cougar hunter (would complement the Chablis premier cru), or 2 nsfw?
He was photographed by the garbage cans cause it was 10 o’clock at night, and the Mexican cleaning crew had just come through. That was the only time the floor was empty, ok? Get a clue!
@26 “they’re not monitoring the IMs for insider trading, but for much more serious stuff. Former employees will tell you that.”
care to elaborate?
Leave Stevey and Anal_yst alone!!
interesting that I didn’t warrant a mention. prick.
-pj
Interesting that he too dabbles in /ES like us plebes.
@62 what is ‘ES’?
This place isn’t the same since Buddha put everyone in their places yesterday.
@30 me too
mmmm stevie! break me off a piece of that.
-you know who
@63 – Sorry, I wasn’t finished…ESTROGEN. Ok, I just finished!
-PJ
63 = AQR quant
@52 Clearly you have no understanding of modern art. The “Trash Cans” are actually part of Stevie’s new installation of early ’80′s Eastern-bloc avant-guard art objects. The grey of the plastic represents man’s innate sense of drab futility whilst the plastic bags represent the disposable nature of life experience in the material world.
@69 = gay
-Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That
The trash cans are duel purpose containers — either puke buckets as the loss meter goes 8%, 9%, and then 10%. Or more likely to catch severed scrotums when Stevie comes by with his portable Guillotine 2000 Bagmaster.
@ 69 – I agree. The installation has adequately captured the ennui and post-existentialism of East Berlin, and the internal struggle of the individual to free itself from the collective tyranny.
Professor X runs a hedge fund?
now that i see the face stevie is making, it looks like he was just caught rummaging through all the garbage cans. prob something he does every night after everyone is gone.
they could have splurged on stainless steel to compliment the Pissaro.
I used to deal with SAC Capital and it was clear to me that all the East Coast hedge funds were piling in (in unison) to manipulate stock movements for their collective benefit. Occasionally, different East Coast hedge funds would be on the same call! Why accusations of insider trading should be of a surprise to anyone (think Goldman=McKinsey=hedge fund network) is beyond me. They were all at MBA school together, doh.
How does one find out whose on the B-team?
-Paul Volcker
@ 76 – MBA beats CFA, deal with it.
wow, some clueless/jealous fucktards on here today, eh?
Where is the Ace of Spades?
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