• 19 Feb 2010 at 10:59 AM

What Will Tiger Woods Be Telling Us Today?

By

CNBC has the six-boxer and BREAKING NEWS banner out so fine, let’s get into this. What do we think the li’l fella’s gonna talk about today?
11:01 Many people in the room know him. (Some biblically?)
11:02 His real apology to Elin will not come in the form of words (’cause money talks bull shit walks, bitches).
11:03 Is he going to cry?
11:05 “ELIN NEVER HIT ME THAT NIGHT [on Thanksgiving] OR ANY OTHER NIGHT”
11:06 “Elin deserves praise, not blame” (who’s blaming her?)
11:07 “I thought I worked hard all my life and deserved to take part in the temptations that surrounded me.” [Eliot Spitzer nods gravely at home]
11:08 Why is this happening?
11:08 Character and decency, yada yada yada
11:09 Parents used to point to me as role models for their kids, now they just look at me as a big whore.
11:10 They sent me to rehab; I have a long way to go; just this morning, on the way here, I stopped at an IHOP and you have no idea how hard it was for me lay that ass across the griddle and give it the Tiger.
11:10 BTW- I never used steroids
11:12 Little known fact– I was raised a Buddhist. But I’ve strayed from those teaching in recent years.
11:13 I’m going to get even more therapy.
11:14 He’s going to go back to golf some day, one day, but probably not today.
11:15 Okay it’s time for this:

11:16 Extended hug for everyone in the audience.
First Reactions
FYI: Larry Kudlow thought it was a phenomenal apology, and he, as someone “familiar with the 12-Step Program,” loved the emphasis on step 9, the making of amends.

Sign up for the Dealbreaker newsletter

Subscribe to our free daily email and get breaking news, financial headlines, commentary, and analysis from Dealbreaker.

— Advertisement —

Comments (40)

  1. 1
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:04 AM

    how not to get the clap?

  2. 2
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:05 AM

    how to score the low hanging fruit?

  3. 3
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:06 AM

    How to putt from the rough.

  4. 4
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:07 AM

    I think he is going to say YES WE CAN!

  5. 5
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:08 AM

    I’M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD

  6. 6
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:09 AM

    Live-blogging Tiger’s plea to get some of his sponsors back.

  7. 7
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:10 AM

    He will admit to having intercourse with someone named Anal_yst.

  8. 8
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:11 AM

    this is so awkward

  9. 9
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:13 AM

    Ohhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm . . . .

  10. 10
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:14 AM

    I had more respect for him when he was fucking sluts.

  11. 11
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:14 AM

    Think he’s gonna stop off at a Hooters fora quicky on his way back to his “therapy” retreat?

  12. 12
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:15 AM

    Was that wrong? Should I have not done that?

  13. 13
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:16 AM

    Goddamnit this is fucking awkward.

  14. 14
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:19 AM

    love the commentary from kudlow

  15. 15
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:20 AM

    He should have dressed like Johnny Weir for this pressy.

  16. 16
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:20 AM

    I like how he said “i let down my staff”

  17. 17
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:21 AM

    Synopsis:
    No more put a tiger in your tank.

  18. 18
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:21 AM

    he could have at least put on the swoosh tie i sent him.
    -Phil

  19. 19
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:23 AM

    I looked up to him and down to him. then up and down to him then up and down to him then up and down to him really fast…up down up down.
    - Rachel

  20. 20
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:24 AM

    IS KUDLOW CRYING??

  21. 21
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:26 AM

    @15 that would’ve been excellent

  22. 22
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:26 AM

    @20 I think so

  23. 23
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:29 AM

    He just emasculated us all worse than that bitch Gloria Steinem

  24. 24
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:32 AM

    Well, thanks a lot!!!
    ~Diner and Greasy Spoon Waitresses of America
    Just the Tip, NY

  25. 25
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:32 AM

    If I was him, I would just jump into the audience and start smacking everyone in the face with my penis. Thwap thwap thwap thwap…..
    Boom done.

  26. 26
    Posted by Joe Mac | February 19, 2010 at 11:34 AM

    Dear Ashley Dupree, any reaction? Advice?

  27. 27
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 11:34 AM

    @23 = Hilary Clinton

  28. 28
    Posted by Investorcluzo | February 19, 2010 at 11:38 AM

    we need a medic STAT. tiger seems to have lost his spine…can we get him barry’s telepromter? he needs a public speaking course in the worst way!

  29. 29
    Posted by Napoleon | February 19, 2010 at 11:46 AM

    Should have announced a name change to “Liger” Woods as part of a re-branding of himself. Oh well.

  30. 30
    Posted by volatilitysmile | February 19, 2010 at 12:03 PM

    Tiger does IHOP?
    Men doubles luge pictures, please!
    http://www.universalsports.com/news/article/newsid=372224.html

  31. 31
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 12:05 PM

    People like Tiger Woods is what the subprime is in trouble.

  32. 32
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    I made a very funny comment about Tiger “ejasculating” all over everyone but I don’t see it here.

  33. 33
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 12:13 PM

    @25 – I like the cut of your jib.

  34. 34
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    @30 that was horrifying

  35. 35
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 1:41 PM

    @31
    that one always brings a smile to my face

  36. 36
    Posted by guest | February 19, 2010 at 2:19 PM

    http://www.beersteak.com/breaking-news/tiger-woods-fucks-bitches-funny-or-die-video/

  37. 37
    Posted by guest | February 20, 2010 at 1:06 PM

    TNB

  38. 38
    Posted by Andrew | February 20, 2010 at 1:32 PM

    Of course they would! They love golf and it shows how wrong our priorities are if the breaking news is about Tiger woods instead of the coup d’etat in Niger currently going on!
    Nevertheless, Wall Street has to care because Woods brings in tens of millions of dollars alone, just for one of white teeth!

  39. 39
    Posted by guest | February 21, 2010 at 7:04 PM

    I would say…
    JUST DO IT
    Tiger

  40. 40
    Posted by oem software | May 1, 2012 at 11:45 PM

    InVLmc Great, thanks for sharing this blog.Really looking forward to read more. Much obliged.

Leave a comment

You can log in with your account or comment as a guest below.

   or