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Bernie Madoff Beaten Up By “Beefy” Inmate, Offering Investing Advice To Friends On The Inside

Remember back in December, when it was reported that Bernie Madoff got the shit beat out him, sustaining “facial fractures, broken ribs and a collapsed lung”? At the time, prison officials wouldn’t say the injuries were a result of a brawl in the yard and Berns is no snitch, so he wouldn’t say anything either. Today sources on the inside have confirmed that yes, Ponzi boy’s face was rearranged by a fellow inmate who believed that Madoff owed him money. Here’s what else we know about the attacker.

Mr. Madoff’s assailant was a beefy man serving time for a drug conviction. The alleged assailant’s mother said in an interview her son had not mentioned any scuffle with Mr. Madoff but that he had been a body builder and held a black belt in Judo until he was injured in a shooting in 2002. While behind bars he has regained strength and gotten back into shape, she said.

Anyway, that’s all in the past. What has Bernie been up to of late? Giving out financial advice and watching Mel Gibson movies, mostly.

Mr. Madoff spends free time in the prison library on the weekends and often watches movies, including “Lethal Weapon,” according to the former inmate. He said he chatted with the admitted Ponzi schemer on Saturdays in the library and asked for financial advice: “He gave me ideas on my index funds.”

Mr. Madoff advised him to diversify, saying he should invest in funds that track the S&P 500 index of stocks “where my money would be on all the stocks instead of putting my eggs into one basket,” the former inmate said.

He said Mr. Madoff also warned him off of day trading. “I was trying to get into day trading and he’s like, ‘That’s not for you. That’s for individuals like me with millions to spare,’ ” he said.

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31 Responses to “Bernie Madoff Beaten Up By “Beefy” Inmate, Offering Investing Advice To Friends On The Inside”

  1. Anonymous says:

    How beefy? Was he brown?

    -Dennis Kneale

  2. Anonymous says:

    Millions of what? Opportunities to enter him through the exit door?

  3. Anonymous says:

    “…money would be on all the stocks instead of putting my eggs into one basket” – but I thought diversification was protection against ignorance?

    “That’s for individuals like me with millions to spare” – UBS sucks

  4. Anonymous says:

    Boogitty, Boogitty! Day 1 of the Tourney! Traders across the land go inattentive . . .

  5. Anonymous says:

    At least in prison, we had knife fights, and we had movie nights. And once, both. Those men did not enjoy Soapdish…

  6. Bullshit says:

    Bess we all hope this guy dies and also appreciate the humor in him getting his ass kicked. However i do think healthcare is a relevant subject for this site. Looking forward to a post. Dont be shy…

  7. Bullshit says:

    Bess we all hope this guy dies, we know he sucks and also appreciate the humor in him getting his ass kicked. However healthcare is a relevant subject for this site and it seems you are dodging it. Looking forward to a post. Dont be shy…

  8. Where are those spare millions?

  9. Anonymous says:

    @6/7 don’t comment here again until you “get” BL/DB.

  10. Anonymous says:

    “with millions to spare.” hah, good one.

  11. Prisonpuss says:

    “Dat big guy knocked my teef out! He made me grow a goatee, too-Upside is my ass gets to heal”

  12. Anonymous says:

    Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this is my b*tch!

    Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain’t gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I’m gonna want some cocktail…FRUIT

    Madoff: No. No. No! Devil Man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!

  13. Anonymous says:

    6/7 is that same dickhead with a new shtick.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Good investment advice. Index funds… I could’ve not gone to jail and invested $1,000 with Sarah Benett for that. Thanks for nothing Madoff.

    Inmate No. 61727-044

  15. Anonymous says:

    Not even Chazzy G. would mess with the Squirrel Master.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Anybody know what Ruthie is up to these days?

  17. Pop-Pop gets a treat? says:

    @5 I guess you just need to know that world.

  18. Inmate Investor says:

    Brown eyes pay big dividends.

  19. Elie Weisel says:

    Why didn’t one of those shanks that we hear about all the time get used? I would use one if I could get into Butner.

  20. Anonymous says:

    THERE IS ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND!

  21. Fuck you 9/13 says:

    I have been posting here since you were a thought in your mommy’s my pants. What is wrong with a post on healthcare? It seems more relevant then Tiger Woods.

    Go back to your cubes.

  22. shanked it left says:

    “sinking putts and nailing sluts!”

    Tiger

  23. Anonymous says:

    May your sphincter always blossom like a cherry tree in spring.

    Confucius

  24. Anonymous says:

    NUTS 4 NUTS?

  25. Anonymous says:

    Rumor has it the fight started when Bernie said small mouth bass fishing was for rednecks and trout fishing is for everyone else

  26. Anonymous says:

    At least Bernie tried to fight him off. I gave it up too easily when I was in the can. And then I started liking it too much.

    A. Fastow

  27. Anonymous says:

    So the guy who bashed Bernie is 1) serving time for a drug conviction and 2) believes Bernie owes him money? Ummm, doing the 2+2 here, I think Bess needs to get us the dish on Bernie’s pre-crash’n’burn drug habit. Like just how much of his Ponzi-scheming proceeds went up his nose (and the noses of his loser wife and two loser sons)?

  28. Anonymous says:

    He became a prison bitch….ass raped by Jeff Skilling

  29. Anonymous says:

    He became a prison bitch….ass raped by Jeff Skilling

  30. I guess it was time for him to get that affectionate prison love. It really looks like he won;t be having such a great peaceful time after all.

  31. oem software says:

    aCaeeQ Very neat post.Much thanks again. Much obliged.

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