Brian Moynihan Wins Over Harshest Critic

When Ken Lewis first announced he was retiring from Bank of America last fall, Rochedale Securities analyst Dick Bové absolutely lost her shit. She knew there was nothing voluntary about this forced retirement, and that her man was being cut down in his prime. Her friends told her not to get involved, that it would emasculate Ken and just make things worse, but she couldn’t help it– she couldn’t even see straight she was so mad! I mean, really! The “success” of Bank of America was “due to the brilliance of Ken Lewis as a visionary and tactician.” And now they were going to push him out?? The guy who “no other banker in this country can equal in achievements but wishes s/he could”?? I’m sorry, no, she did not accept that.

She couldn’t talk to Ken about it, obviously, as it would just upset him, so after he passed out one night, she sneaked into the other room where he couldn’t hear her and called every single member of the board, begging them to not make this mistake. She pulled out all the stops, and even offered HJ’s to anyone who would help, but nobody would budge. That’s when she really freaked out. She momentarily considered driving over to their homes in the middle of the night to make a scene on their front lawns, where she would park her Chevelle. “Let them call the cops!” she said to herself, biting pieces of her hair, which she does when she’s really in a tizzy. But even in her rage she realized that was not the wisest course of action, if history is any guide (the last time she pulled that stunt it did not end well). Oh, but she was not going to let those “fucking pigs” get away with this. So took a deep breathe, splashed some cold water on her face and sat down to give everyone one a piece of her mind, in a report entitled, “Bank of America Should Beg Ken Lewis To Stay.” The thing got a little traction, in that anyone even vaguely interested in taking over for KL suddenly backed out, out of fear that this crazy lady was going to make good on her threats to “make the life of Ken’s replacement a living hell,” though tragically, as you know, they finally found someone to take the job. While in theory Bové accepted that Brian Moynihan was the new CEO, she made no bones about the fact that she didn’t like it. On his first day on the job, she keyed the words ‘You suck’ into his car, and she worked diligently to uncover any dirt she could on the guy that could potentially get him fired. She would send him 3AM emails from anonymous addresses that weren’t fooling anyone, telling BriMoy “You’ll do it like Ken did. Never!”

Eventually though, something strange occurred, and the analyst started to change her tune on the guy. No one really knows when it happened, or why (theories include her resentment over Ken refusing to get a new job, and only leaving the couch to grab another beer, the realization of common interests, and so on and so forth) but somewhere along the line…Dick started to like what she saw. And now? This:

“He’s really come out strong,” says analyst Richard Bove, who covers banks at Rochdale Securities. I was not a fan at first, but I have become one.”

Now Ken’s home watching the clock and Bové is out scrambling to find the perfect dress for BAC’s next earnings call, one that shows off her tits but doesn’t make her intentions look too obvious. FYI, this is how it starts.

(hidden for your protection)
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33 Responses to “Brian Moynihan Wins Over Harshest Critic”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I love the Bove sagas. Bess – do you come up with the story lines in advance, or when there’s an opportunity for one do you just pound a few gimlets and let the Muse take over?

  2. Anonymous says:

    @2 – “pound a few gimlets”… Bove is that you?

  3. Anonymous says:

    “….She momentarily considered driving over to their homes in the middle of the night to make a scene on their front lawns, where she would park her Chevelle.”


    ~The Ghost of Hunter Thompson

  4. Anonymous says:

    Picture needs to be of an adorable woodland creature.

  5. Hunter Thompson was a good friend-a-mine, ya know. I also knew dat broad “Savage Lucy” (“teeth like baseballs, eyes like jellied fire”), in his “Fear and Loathing” book ya know. I knew her in da biblical sense. Hunter Thompson woulda been a nobody if not for my tutelage.

    – Thug

  6. Bess Levin says:

    @5/6 Thanks, but I know what I’m doing here. The picture needs to be of her new boy toy.

  7. Anonymous says:


    “his” new boy toy?

  8. Bovina says:

    He looks so tempurpedic in that picture.

    -Man with a Mustache and Two Sideburns that Meet for Lunch

  9. I wanna tell yous guys a little secret. When I die, I want my ashes to be shot outta a cannon, just like Hunter’s. I’m gonna go out in a blaze-a-glory, befitting of my profound influence on financial join-a-lism and all ova Wall Street.

    I wanna dem to shoot my ashes all ova da streets of Rego Park, where dey worship me as a god.

    – Thug

  10. My dear, sweet Lucy, as related by my buddy Hunter:

    “I tossed my leather satchel on one of the beds and looked around for what I knew I would see … my attorney … stark naked, standing in the bathroom door with a drug-addled grin on his face.

    “You degenerate pig,” I muttered.

    “It can’t be helped,” he said, nodding at the bulldog girl. “This is Lucy.” He laughed distractedly. “You know — like Lucy in the sky with diamonds …”

    I nodded to Lucy, who was eyeing me with definite venom. I was clearly some kind of enemy, some ugly intrusion on her scene … and it was clear from the way she moved around the room, very quick and tense on her feet, that she was sizing me up. She was ready for violence, there was not much doubt about that. Even my attorney picked up on it.

    “Lucy!” he snapped. “Lucy! Be cool, goddamnit! Remember what happened at the airport … no more of that, OK?” He smiled nervously at her. She had the look of a beast that had just been tossed into a sawdust pit to fight for its life …

    “Lucy … this is my client; this is Mister Duke, the famous journalist. He’s paying for this suite, Lucy. He’s on our side.”

  11. Anonymous says:

    Thank you. And no, it is not OK to address a group of analysts or bankers of which I may be a part as “you guys.”

  12. Anonymous says:

    @12 dude, shut up. your comments aren’t funny, and this is about Bove cheating on Lewis. stay on topic.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Brilliant BL.

  14. Anonymous says:

    i wonder if she’s a vajazzler..

  15. @14: I’m sorry. Sometimes I stray.

    – Thug

  16. Anonymous says:

    @14…”referential education”, a core ingredient of most of the worthy literary comments published on this site —which is what @12 was trying to share with you— is not often comedic. If you had gotten past the first year at DeVry, you would have learned that.

  17. @18:

    And, I think that Bess sometimes approaches the heights of “gonzo journalism,” as invented by Hunter S. Thompson, the genius.

  18. b2b MD says:

    What She has figured out is that for this sh!t for brains to have made it to the top of BAC can only imply t-to-the-a…there, now her intentions are known…

  19. b2b MD says:

    of course being CEO of BAC is like being the least smelliest turd in the porto-let….just sayin’

  20. Tess Devlin says:

    @3 You’re assume Dick knows how to use the Internet

  21. muchado says:

    Hunter Thompson is never off topic …

  22. muchado says:

    Rego Park, however, might be … depending on the context …

  23. Anonymous says:

    Pflugie, although I would not quibble with elevating Bess’ journalism to that plane occupied by HST’s, there is a not-so-subtle difference between “gonzo journalism” and Levinism. Not that I expect a thug to recognize it.

  24. “Gonzo Journalism” is not a pejorative, if that’s what you’re getting at.

    Of course, The Thug could explain it much better than me. He’s a genius too, ya know.

  25. Joey says:

    The words brilliance and commercial banking don’t seem to go well together

  26. Anonymous says:

    Of course it’s not perjorative. Gonzo journalism has a participatory quality that is essential but generally lacking in merely Levinist journalism. Except for maybe the night she crashed the SAC holiday party. Ironically, the Thug’s tendency to become part of the stories he covers is more Gonzo in this sense, although he lacks imagination and is rarely entertaining, enlightening, or conveying socially redeeming value.

  27. Anonymous says:

    @28 How would you describe “Levinism”?

  28. Bess Levin says:

    @2 not in advance. you can’t plan for what’s going to come out of this hormonal female. I do it on the fly.

  29. Anonymous says:

    If Bove read this, I don’t know if he would be amused, aroused or ashamed.

  30. JohnWright says:

    BofA and it’s CEO reminds me of that song by John Lennon and George Harrison titled “Piggies” I invite you to listen to this song on youtube and see if it appropriately fits.</P

    Have you seen the little piggies
    Crawling in the dirt
    And for all the little piggies
    Life is getting worse
    Always having dirt to play around in.

    Have you seen the bigger piggies
    In their starched white shirts
    You will find the bigger piggies
    Stirring up the dirt
    Always have clean shirts to play around in.

    In their ties with all their backing
    They don't care what goes on around
    In their eyes there's something lacking
    What they need's a damn good whacking.

    Everywhere there's lots of piggies
    Living piggy lives
    You can see them out for dinner
    With their piggy wives
    Clutching forks and knives to eat their bacon.

    Bank of America Lawsuit At:

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