Hank Paulson Is Soliciting Headline Suggestions For His Obituary

Hank Paulson was recently interviewed for the latest issue of The DAM, Dartmouth’s alumni magazine, by fellow Dartmouth grad, Jake Tapper. The Kegs talk about a whole mess of topics, including but not limited to gal-pal Tim Geithner (the two have an “excellent” relationship), Paulson’s hippie daughter Amanda (her friends in college were people son Merritt would call “granolas,” if you know what HP means and I think you do), his nickname to SAE fraternity brothers (“The Phantom,” because no one ever saw the shady motherfucker), Christian Science (when Hank prayed during the crisis, it was “for humility, to take ego
out of it, for insight and judgment and wisdom”), and the worst kind of heave (sayeth Big P: “All my life, if I’m really exhausted—it doesn’t happen much—I will have dry heaves”). Then Tapper steers the conversation toward his subject’s death, like any seasoned pro is trained to do (my preference is to ask at the beginning of the conversation, as an ice breaker, but anywhere you can fit it in is fine). “What might be the headline of your obituary?” Jake wonders aloud. This is Paulson’s response.

“Was Treasury Secretary During the Biggest Financial Crisis Since the Great Depression and Worked with Ben Bernanke and Tim Geithner to Successfully Prevent a Collapse of the Financial System. Worked with Limited Tools to Prevent It.” Since I believe those are the facts I don’t see that as disputable by reasonable people who understood what was going on.

Clearly this sucks, and is an obvious ploy for us to come up with something better while there’s (presumably) still time (he’s got a cold coming on and with the ixnay on the whole oughcay yrupsay hingtay, you never know). My vote is for it to involve birds and/or Ken Lewis. Get cracking.

paulson 2 [The DAM, PDF via Heidi Moore]

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28 Responses to “Hank Paulson Is Soliciting Headline Suggestions For His Obituary”

  1. tomba says:

    at least he has made his lack of creativity apparent

  2. NakedShort says:

    Hank was like an actual brother to me. And when I say brother, I don’t mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think. If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a former Treasury Secretary’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because he had a mangled pinky finger and was an truly AWFUL public speaker, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Forehead the size of a drive-in movie theatre, but he was a good shit so we didn’t bust his chops too much.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I work with “limited tools” too. They are over in refined products and poor dressers.

  5. NakedShort says:

    Hank was an avid bird watcher (namely hawks with red and blue underwear) and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the finance and cheap wrist watches, and as Treasury Secretary he explored the balance sheets of Wall Street, from Bear Sterns to Lehman Brothers and up to Jeffries. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as he took so attempted to take the toxic garbage off the balance sheets at Morgan Stanley, at Goldman Sachs, at Bank of America. Hank, who loved birds. And so, Henry Merritt Paulson, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the sarcophagus in 85 Broad, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.

  6. us people says:

    Headline? How about “Another Dead Ex-GSer.” It’s pithy. And I think that’s about all that needs to be said.

  7. Bald Flies High, Seeking Promotion to Glory. Examination of Egrets, Without Peer Contempt/Scrutiny.

  8. Guest 5 says:

    You sneaky bitch Henry. I am FUMING. I am going to scratch your eyes out with my pinky nail. Dont you EVER call me a “limited tool.” CUNT.

    -Timothy Geithner

  9. Heywood Jablome says:

    Bess, do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people’s lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?


  10. Anonymous says:

    ….on his death bed he admitted to bailing out AIG only to save Goldman Sachs….

  11. Anonymous says:

    ….on his death bed he admitted to bailing out AIG only to save Goldman Sachs….

  12. Anonymous says:

    TARP: Treasury Asshole Rests in Peace.

  13. Investorcluzo says:

    can we get a picture? and how about red letters for cluzo? pretty please? [-0<

  14. Investorcluzo says:

    testing the emoticons, one more time! bessy, :-c

  15. WTF? says:

    At this point (post upgrade to a better blogging platform, minus the IT intervening glitches), double posts are an indication of ADD or CRI on the part of the poster, right?

    Just wanting to be sure.

  16. NakedShort says:

    @cluzo come on your a smart guy. Here is the full slate of emoticons that we can annoy bess with

    :) :D :( :o 8O :? 8) :x :P :| ;) :lol: :oops: :cry: :evil: :twisted: :roll: :!: :?: :idea: :arrow: :mrgreen:

  17. Obit Headline says:

    He Took It With Him.

  18. Obit Headline says:

    He Took It With Him.

  19. Anonymous says:

    he probably got most of his experience working with “limited tools” during his time at SAE.

  20. Anonymous says:

    he probably got most of his experience working with “limited tools” at SAE

  21. Investorcluzo says:

    @NS – “you’re” a smart guy too! now if we could get them to work ;)

  22. Cluz/21,

    You’re just a URL away. When you log in, go to your profile, edit, place whichever link you’d prefer. Boom. Done.

    P.S./Suggestion: link OG Girl’s FB. That’ll bring her back to the boards.

  23. M2M says:

    Good one NakedShort

  24. Investorcluzo says:

    @22 mitch – I like the way you think…

  25. M2M says:

    Damnit Hank, I’m a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.

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