There’s nothing going on today but even if that weren’t the case, I’d still be asking you to gather ’round so we can have some Real Talk about Tiger’s supposedly scandalous texts to one of his 845 pieces on the side. Joslyn James (pictured) has released a bunch of messages Woods sent to her last year. A lot of people have their panties in a serious bunch over the supposed shock value found within. Here’s a sampling:
* “Where do you want to be bitten”
* “How about a quickie before i go:)”
* “Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls”
* “Let me know when your about 20 out i will order dinner. And what would you like to eat”
* “I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you”
* “I like when you do that to me”
* “No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich”
* “I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp”
* “Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust”
* “Have you ever had a golden shower done to you” [her response/question] “Just morbid curiosity” [her response/question] “Never done it. I think i would get stage freight”
* “Does that excite you at all or no”
So, obviously “sic” throughout but not really “sick.” Emoticons? INTERROGATIVE STATEMENTS? EQUIVOCATING? 1) Lame 2) 14 years-old and scared to just say it 3) Guy who does the recordings for MoviePhone (“If that excites you at all, press one; if no, press two”). Notable hedge fund managers have sent much worse to their underlings (you would’ve gotten big points in you know who’s book for the golden shower text if you hadn’t a) posed it as a mere inquiry like you were literally just curious and b) proceeded to say the whole idea of it makes you nervous, which sickens him).
Some of the messages are good but by good I mean standard and nothing to slap an XXX-rating on, much less act as though you haven’t sent or received yourself. I don’t think I’m off-base here and I’d like someone to back me up or prove me wrong. Feel free to offer comparative analysis (ex. these have nothing on Lenny Dykstra’s promises to choke women out with Twizzlers; you woke up to an SMS from your boss– no names necessary– telling you he was going to use your ass as the cap for his whiteboard marker, etc).
**Having said all that, “No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich” is spectacularly depraved and I hope you all incorporate it tonight.
Please, every single man working on Wall Street has sent the exact same text to multiple women.
too tame, really, he should of asked her is she likes the dirty sanchez and the donkey punch
@1 don’t I know it.
What’s funnier- Tiger’s texts or Pat O’Brien’s voicemails?
“Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat”
-Text message from Dennis Kneale to an unknown collie
Anything on gyno-coptering?
The guy was banging a porn star without rubbers!!?? For that, his wife should castrate him.
Aint nuttin wrong wit a little gyno-copterin, daddy always said.
So was he asking her about DP’s or is he into that?
@2love it… may I add the “ace of clubs” and the “drunken sailor” to the repertoire-
Well there goes that Trojan endorsement we were hoping for. Maybe there a herpes med we can represent.
@bess- show us your texts!
Did he ask about whiteboard markers and urine?
PJ
potential BL suitors, take note do not: use emoticons, ask questions or equivocate when sending dirty messages to our girl.
@4
these dont even touch pat o’brien. that guy is a hero to all drunk dialers
Wearing a jimmy with a pornstar is like putting sushi in a pita-pocket.
Get a life, honkeys.
@13 – Let’s just say Tiger likes to make it rain on the golf course and on women he is having an affair with. (see full list of texts for his golden shower inquiry)
@16 – FTW! Fantastic anal_ogy.
On rubbers, the saying I always liked best is that its like taking a shower with a raincoat on.
But if you are a hooka-fukka like Steamroller 9, its best to wear a raincoat.
I am so buying EA Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11
I’m SHOCKED!!! (at his grammar)
“Let me know when your about 20 out i will order dinner”
Even a Stanford grad doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re???”
@20 his spelling and grammar are atrocious
Listen, the best revenge is to give him the clap, which I can gladly help you out with…
Seaman Bodine to Sandra Bullock
Marv Alberts’ women’s panties/back biting/stolen toupee still wins.
@16 hilarious
Dear Joslyn,
I don’t know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I’ve caused you. The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in other golfers misery. Well, it finally backfired. I succeed in hurting the first person I ever loved. Enclosed is my most prized possession. My Sext Message History. For a long time I considered it my trophy. A sordid collection of my conquests. If you really want to know the truth than please read it. No more lies. Please give me another chance. I’m a wreck without you.
“I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp”
You mean he isn’t talking about Dr Pepper? Really??
~The Forehead Slapper
I make you all look like eunichs. And chicks dig hairy backs.
Ron Jeremy
@pfluger, any idea how these compare to the italian stallion’s text messages?
i actually love your writing type, very remarkable,
don’t quit and also keep creating seeing that it simply worth to read it,
looking forward to see more and more of your own writing, have a great day :)
The lost texts-
“why do you have an adams apple”
“my your shoulders are broad”
“why am i always on the bottom?”
“no men in the 3some unless its MJ”
“Wouldn’t it be crazy if anyone found us out?”
“do you like the wings at Hooters?”
“are you black?”
“am i black?”
“I want to hang you out my window like a dirty wet towel”
“No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich” I know there’s a double entendre in there somewhere and I will be shocked as soon as I figure it out.
a pornstar without a raincoat is like an airplane without a partner…
Guy doesn’t write like a Stanford man.
I’m so sick of hearing about tiger…Why is this even on DB?
Longtime readers will certainly appreciate Cluzo’s comment. Well played!
Can someone explain to me why the fuck this broad thinks she needs an apology?
She used to let strangers blow loads in her mouth for money, and now she expects special treatment from this one?
I will apologize all day long to a chick that lets me blow loads in her mouth.
John Daley
Hell hath no fury as a reformed whore.
~Judge Roy Bean
Law West of the Pecos
Langtry, TX
@32 as stated in the post, because nothing’s going on and this issue needed to be addressed.
@34, if you don’t know the difference between letting strangers blow loads in your mouth for money and letting someone who loves you do it for nothing, you are a degenerate.
why is this on DB? The site has sucked since all the IT problems. Apparently the issue is editorial talent too?
Why didn’t he ask about giving her a Hot Carl? Golden shower’s is child’s play, I’ve seen that question come up on a test before. (yes, literally)
why is this on DB? The site has sucked since all the IT problems. Apparently the issue is editorial talent too?
Why didn’t he ask about giving her a Hot Carl? Golden shower’s is child’s play, I’ve seen that question come up on a test before. (yes, literally)
why is this on DB? The site has sucked since all the IT problems. Apparently the issue is editorial talent too?
Why didn’t he ask about giving her a Hot Carl? Golden shower’s is child’s play, I’ve seen that question come up on a test before. (yes, literally)
We definitely won’t be terminating our sponsorship deal with Tiger.
~Boar’s Head LLC
Bessy,
I would be happy to back you up. When and where?
Stevie
PS What is your favorite position? Besides dp
@30 – that doesn’t even make any sense.
@41 why do you give a flying fuck if this is on here? read another damn post if it upsets you. also, the site has sucked since the tech issues? which started almost two months ago? and yet you’ve still been reading it? interesting.
Why are you posting in threes you ignorant lout.
Still can’t figure out these newfangled machines, huh rube?
@25: dp means double post, not dr pepper
a D without a C while B-ing a L on a PS is what the subprime is in trouble
She must be the most attractive woman on the Street.
So we get Tiger stories but no healthcare stories? Not one fucking mention of a bill that covers 1/6 of our economy? A bill that is being shoved up our ass like we are Barney frank on initiation night?
Bess, there is life after Tiger and SAC.
- oh and the site runs like it was built by GM
@51 It’s bizarre that you would expect me to give you a post on healthcare but enjoy your sodomy and come again.
@16 FTW, @29 for a close, close, 2nd. I give 16 more credit because you could (almost) say it at a Walmart without getting into trouble – it’s not “really” even dirty . . .
- Self Appointed Humor Critic
OMG!! Are you saying that when my sweetie wants to do “the Golden Corral” she’s talking about a restaurant and not ….OMG!!!
Beth -
The DB technology does suck. You gotta give us that one. But we still love you.
Cliff A.
@51…I am ashamed of you. The last time you used “shoved up our ass” in a paragraph weren’t you trying to get a job with Gundlach’s firm?
I am also @29
@53 glad you enjoyed that post (thank you).
Bess- I come many times right here each day and apparently so does your IT guy. You need to restrict access to the porn sites.
Maybe the site will start to work.
@40-42 the editorial sucks b/c you’re a little bitch who gets his panties in a bunch if there’s a story on something he didn’t care about? grow the fuck up.
@51 you self-identify as “FOX NEWS GUY.” ’nuff said.
Bess, do you have any idea how sexy a woman like you is? Intelligent, cute, and zero hesitation to talk dirty.
You have a bright future, deary.
Dick Vitale
@57 “you need to restrict access to the porn sites.” huh? what? how would one who doesn’t work at your company restrict YOUR access to porn sites? would you like to try your comment again, and this time make sense?
@40-42 who gives a shit if it’s on here? it’s funny, things are slow and there are plenty of other posts to read if it upsets you. douchebag.
What the hell is so wrong with turkey?
@29, 53
This is not the Oscars. And even if it were, you don’t get to make a speech for 2nd place. And if you do, at least make it funny. Otherwise shut your pie hole.
Then im going to tell you to shut the F— up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
yeesh, http://www.nypost.com/p/blogs/tiger_beat/text_messages_from_tiger_to_joslyn_mzQJbwpoJ7qH0nBPu6gJnI
the raw texts
@39 Pro, Am, amiright? -not 34
@63 that fell under Bess’s “some of the messages are good but by good I mean standard and nothing to slap an XXX-rating on, much less act as though you haven’t sent or received yourself.”
I’ve definitely received that from a few boyfriends and I’m sure my girlfriends would say the same. it’s good/hot but not crazy. standard dirty talk.
Lil Wayne needs to release a track with “No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich” as the hook. Tiger on Vocoder.
Uhh @51 is joking; and it’s hilarious.
@66 – copyright that before it is too late
oh, and
—-> 69
@69 You son of a bitch.
Tiger’s comments/texts as salacious and interesting as a train wreck…. do not reach the level of superior and regal debauchery and perversion as Prince Charle’s recorded cell phone conversation with Camilla (circa 1993) where he pronounced that he ‘wanted to be her tampon’ or similar. Lived in the UK around the time and this was in the papers for weeks.
Scanner Enthusiast: December 18th
Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can’t bear a Sunday night without you.
Charles: Oh, God.
Camilla: It’s like that programme Start the Week. I can’t start the week without you.
Charles: I fill up your tank!
Camilla: Yes, you do
Charles: Then you can cope.
Camilla: Then I’m all right
Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
Camilla: Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
Charles: Oh. God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be
much easier!
Camilla: (laughing) “what are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?
Both laugh
Camilla: Oh, You’re your’e going to come back as a pair of knickers.
Charles: Or, God forbid a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
Camilla: You are a complete idiot (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.
Charles: My luck to be chucked down the lavatory and go on and on forever
swirling round on the top, never going down.
Camilla: (Laughing) Oh, Darling!
Charles: Until the next one comes through.
Camilla: Oh, perhaps you could come back as a box.
Charles: What sort of box?
Camilla: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
Charles: That’s true.
Camilla: Repeating yourself…(Laughing) Oh, darling I just want you now.
Charles: Do You?