When you’re a big time hedge fund manager, it’s important to have outlets through which to blow off the stress of the markets. Some buy art. Some play golf. Others fuck hookers. A very small group write books, usually related to what they do all day. Crescendo Partners founder Eric Rosenfeld knew he wanted to add author to his list of occupations but he wasn’t much interested in talking about the money making game. He wanted to tell a richer, more meaningful story. A story about a woman with a huge ass, and a dirty little secret.

“Mrs Buttkiss is the charming tale of a big woman with a big secret,” Rosenfeld writes of his meisterwerk. “She’s been holding in a fart…forever. What happens when Mrs. B finally lets it out? Will her greatest fears be realised? Or will the outcome be…magical?”

No, I kid you not. Apparently, the investment guru chanced upon the idea when trying to settle down his three young children for bed, and hasn’t looked back since.

Obviously Eric is not the only one of his kind out there, though he’s the only one to go public with his dream. I know of at least half a dozen hedge fund mangers dying to write children’s novels, some on this very subject, others that start “Once upon a time, there was a good, law-abiding hedge fund manager who married a mental patient.” And obviously I think those tomes should be authored “…with Bess Levin.” Just putting it out there: imagine the possibilities.

UPDATE: I spoke with Eric and am interviewing him re: asses this afternoon. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

Mrs. Buttkiss And The Big Surprise [Shop Mrs. Buttkiss]
Hedge Fund Boss Kicks Up A Stink For Kids [cityAM]

218 comments (hidden for your protection)
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Comments (218)

  1. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 12:30 PM

    @bess- you get me, babe.

    -you know who

  2. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 12:30 PM

    WTF??

  3. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 12:31 PM

    Eric: I am not obsessed with asses.
    Mrs. Buttkiss: Ok, assy. And what is all that shit all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?

  4. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 12:32 PM

    @3 prettay prettay prettay good

  5. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 12:42 PM

    Just pull her finger and get it over with.
    SAC

  6. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 12:49 PM

    I preferred the story of Mrs. Featherbottom.

    Tobias M. Funke – Analrapist

  7. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 1:00 PM

    I SEE

  8. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 1:11 PM

    I would pay good money to inhale one of your farts, Bess

  9. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 1:14 PM

    @8 Time to seek professional help, Dude…..

  10. Posted by american bandersnatch | April 7, 2010 at 1:17 PM

    “She’s been holding in a fart…forever. What happens when Mrs. B finally lets it out? Will her greatest fears be realised? Or will the outcome be…magical?” Clearly an allegory for coming out of the closet.

  11. Posted by PermaGuest | April 7, 2010 at 1:20 PM

    Bizarre. Just flat out bizarre.

  12. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 1:23 PM

    What a weirdo.

    ~Gundlach, Israel, Epstein and Co.

  13. Posted by CoveredLong | April 7, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    He’s trying to signal a large supply of Natural Gas is about to hit the market in hopes of driving down prices to cover his short…little does he know he’s the only one who doesn’t realize Natural Gas comes from coal beds…a sad, sad state of affairs our modern educational system has become.

    -Natural Gas trader who went short just in case.

  14. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 1:26 PM

    In my country, a woman’s mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!

  15. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 1:29 PM

    Clearly a thinly veiled account of his time at LTCM. Substitute John Meriwether for Mrs. Buttkiss.

  16. Posted by farter | April 7, 2010 at 1:38 PM

    lol this is awesome

    this guy is living the dream

  17. Posted by Tax Chick | April 7, 2010 at 1:48 PM

    Butt wait, it get’s better:

    For $16.95 you get the book and…

    “FREE WHOOPIE CUSHION WITH PURCHASE (may be shipped separately)”

  18. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 1:50 PM

    YOU GUYS– I ordered a copy but there was no rush option so he’s sending me one now and I’m interviewing him at 4. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW OF THIS BEAUTIFUL HUMAN?

  19. Posted by Ass_ociate | April 7, 2010 at 1:51 PM

    Please, for the love of god, tell me that the Dealbreaker book club holds its meetings at ‘Beamers, Stamford’s premier strip club’. If so, count me in.

  20. Posted by NakedShort | April 7, 2010 at 1:52 PM

    Whats next? A Karen Finerman book about queefs?

  21. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 1:52 PM

    @19 yeah obviously.

  22. Posted by NakedShort | April 7, 2010 at 1:55 PM

    @18/BL are you for serious or is this a farts alarm

  23. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 1:56 PM

    @22 that I’m interviewing him this afternoon? dead serious. THIS DAY IS LOOKING UP.

  24. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 1:57 PM

    SPOILER ALERT: There will be shart.

  25. Posted by american bandersnatch | April 7, 2010 at 1:57 PM

    Bess – Will it be available for the Kindle? Is there a scratch and sniff version available?

  26. Posted by Ass_ociate | April 7, 2010 at 1:58 PM

    @Bess, make sure you invite him to address our book club. Ask him what his ‘big secret’ is, and if he’s been holding it in ‘forever’.

  27. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 2:01 PM

    @Bess (for Eric): Plans for a sequel?

  28. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:03 PM

    @27, you meant “sqeakwel” right ?

  29. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:05 PM

    What are his thoughts on queefing?

  30. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:06 PM

    ask him how he feels about MBA vs. CFA

  31. Posted by NakedShort | April 7, 2010 at 2:06 PM

    Why did he choose a female as the main character? Who will adapt this for the screen? Why the fuck does a children’s book cost $17?

  32. Posted by HAM05 | April 7, 2010 at 2:07 PM

    @bess questions i want answered:

    1. what is your favorite place to poop in all of nyc
    a. preference between gimpy high toilets that make you feel like a gargoyle or regular ones where you have to really get down there for a good poop?
    2. why did you make ms buttkiss so fat? do skinny women farts really smell like cinnamon and kisses?
    3. is this an elaborate attempt to saterize a particular jabrony ‘gasbagarino’ pony’s life? are you slighting him?

  33. Posted by Tax Chick | April 7, 2010 at 2:07 PM

    Ask him if the net proceeds of his book will be going to the National Association for the Olfactory Challenged.

  34. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:09 PM

    does ms. buttkiss vajazzle?

  35. Posted by Tax Chick | April 7, 2010 at 2:10 PM

    @Naked – b/c you get a whoopie cushion with purchase. While he claims the WC is free, we all know it adds to the cost.

  36. Posted by fartitrage | April 7, 2010 at 2:14 PM

    Questions:

    What’s the longest period of time you have held in a fart for, and why?

    If I were to fart in a job interview at Crescendo, would it be held against me?

    “Whoever smelt it dealt it” or “whoever said the rhyme did the crime”?

  37. Posted by Inside the Buyside | April 7, 2010 at 2:19 PM

    Over the last four years he has received ~$1.0mn in compensation (cash and options) for his role as a director on a number of corporate boards.

    He is the non-executive chairman, president and CEO of Crescendo.

    He is a CNBC guest host, is a faculty member at the Directors College and is a regular guest lecturer at Columbia Business School.

    All this plus he has three kids.

    Question #1: Where the hell does he find the time?

    Question #2: As research for his ass related literature did he view any of Gundlach’s videos?

    Question #3: Is he planning to write an ass related sequel?

    Question #4: If Scorcese buys the movie rights, who would he like to see cast as Mrs. Buttkiss?

  38. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:20 PM

    Hey, Greg Michaels, here. One question, does she have a blanus?

  39. Posted by NakedShort | April 7, 2010 at 2:21 PM

    silent but violent? loud and proud?

  40. Posted by Anonymouse | April 7, 2010 at 2:22 PM

    What are his thoughts on Anal_yst? Get it?

  41. Posted by Tax Chick | April 7, 2010 at 2:23 PM

    Will there be a CD with hit tunes such as “Beans, Beans, the musical fruit”?

  42. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 2:27 PM

    where is the future: wind or natural gas?

  43. Posted by AbeFroman | April 7, 2010 at 2:29 PM

    I would like to know three things:

    1) Writing a children’s book – Tougher audience than teaching at Harvard?
    2) Any more books in the works?
    3) How does a fund with Myron Scholes and Robert Merton build a zillion dollar portfolio without understanding that investment returns have fat tails?

  44. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:31 PM

    Ask him if Mrs. Buttkiss wears a thong or goes commando.
    PJ

  45. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:34 PM

    @42, i think Ms. Buttkiss holds the answer, but she’ll have to take on some risk to find out.

  46. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 2:37 PM

    Who are his literary influences? Is he familiar with the work of William Kotzwinkle?

  47. Posted by Guest | April 7, 2010 at 2:39 PM

    @Mrs. Buttkiss- Why did you bother holding it in for so long? Didn’t it ever slip out at night?

    @Rosenfeld- What are your profit margins on a $17 childrens book that couldn’t have taken more than an hour to write?

  48. Posted by Guest | April 7, 2010 at 2:39 PM

    Also- does the book rhyme? Mine would.

    -47

  49. Posted by american bandersnatch | April 7, 2010 at 2:41 PM

    I don’t care if you are the sausage king of Chicago, the formulas were beautiful.

  50. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 2:44 PM

    This book stinks.

    -CG

  51. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 2:52 PM

    F/M/K: Roger Lowenstein, Boris Yeltsin, JWM.

  52. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:00 PM

    book just arrived. opening lines:

    “mrs buttkiss was a very large woman. she also had a HUMONGOUS butt.”

    “Mr. Buttkiss didn’t live with Mrs. Buttkiss anymore. He moved out because he, too was afraid what would happen when she couldn’t hold it in any longer, and he didn’t know how to help her.”

    (btw mr. buttkiss has a goatee)

    “they didn’t have any kids so mrs. buttkiss lived ALONE. except for her peekapoo sashimi who loved her, no ifs, ands or buts.”

  53. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | April 7, 2010 at 3:04 PM

    Book sales are bound to eclipse sales of “The Sellout” in no time.

    And, the Buttkiss book will contain more useful information for investors and the general public.

  54. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 3:10 PM

    @52 damn, suddenly all horny & tungry at the same time.

  55. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:12 PM

    “mrs buttkiss liked to EAT. she also liked to shop. every tuesday she would walk to the grocery store, fill two carts with food, then go home and eat.” “on this particular tuesday she was filling her SECOND cart and she had just entered the fruit aisle. suddenly, an irresistible urge overcame her.”

    “you can guess what she WANTED to do”

    “what she NEEDED to do”

    “years and years of fart escaped with a tremendous blast. the sound was deafening. it was the loudest and longest fart ever recorded in history. the supermarket shook. food fell onto the floor. people yelled, unsure what had happened.”

  56. Posted by Tax Chick | April 7, 2010 at 3:16 PM

    WTF is a “peekapoo sashimi”? Sashimi that gives you intestinal worms?

  57. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:16 PM

    I’m going to summarize from here:

    okay so everyone passes out, and she goes home, and she feels really good. then ppl come to and they notice all the fruit is the wrong color– oranges are purple, pineapples are pink and so on and so forth.

    apparently this makes the fruit taste better. and the manager decides he MUST find her, so he puts a note up that says “fart woman please come back.”

    she lays low for like a week, thinking people are mad at her. then she emerges to go food shopping, thinking ppl will have forgotten what she did.

    and she sees the manager’s note and thinks he’s mad at her. she fesses up that it was her and apologizes.

    “the manager gave her a big hug. the best he could, because he was a small man and she was a large woman. a very LARGE woman.”

    the manager tells her he was able to sell her fruit for 3 times the price of regular fruit and offers her a job.

    “now she goes to the store every night after dinner and farts in the fruit aisle. when she sees the bananas and grapes, pineapples and oranges, plums and melons, lemons and limes change colors, she knows her work is done.”

    “and the customers are happy. the manager is happy. and mrs. buttkiss is very, very happy.”

  58. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 3:18 PM

    Well look on the bright side. Now she can do A to M

  59. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 3:21 PM

    so I am pretty sure post #55 is pretty much the end-point of the internet.

  60. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:22 PM

    @TC apparently in this book it’s a kind of dog.

  61. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 3:23 PM

    OK so I get it, this is about how the collapse of LTCM actually made things better for everybody, and how securitization adds value.

  62. Posted by american bandersnatch | April 7, 2010 at 3:28 PM

    Call 911 – Dr. Freud needed at Crescendo, stat.

  63. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 3:29 PM

    peekapoo – cross between a poodle and a pekingese. my second favorite.

    D. Kneale

  64. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:30 PM

    I almost want to back out of our chat.

  65. Posted by american bandersnatch | April 7, 2010 at 3:31 PM

    On second thoughts, in all seriousness, I may have to buy this book. I know my 9 year old would think it’s about the funniest thing she ever read.

  66. Posted by Tax Chick | April 7, 2010 at 3:31 PM

    It’s about how making a superficial change to something ordinary results in tripling the price. Sounds like MBSs to me.

  67. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:33 PM

    @AB really? are little kids into scat these days? also, you can have my copy.

  68. Posted by NakedShort | April 7, 2010 at 3:35 PM

    I bet this guy owns a boatload of out the money calls on FDP

  69. Posted by Tax Chick | April 7, 2010 at 3:38 PM

    I win. Suck me bitches!

  70. Posted by american bandersnatch | April 7, 2010 at 3:38 PM

    Bess:
    I’d be delighted to take it as they don’t have a kindle version (it is a 5 star reviewed item on Amazon, The Brothers Karamazov only got 4 1/2). Presumably you can figure out my firm’s address from my email address.
    AB

  71. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:40 PM

    @AB you really want me to send you think at work?

  72. Posted by american bandersnatch | April 7, 2010 at 3:41 PM

    Sure. It’s not porn.

  73. Posted by Ass_ociate | April 7, 2010 at 3:42 PM

    “Today’s winners include FDP, which is up 0.1% on news that fruits that have changed color due to farting are now salable at triple price.”

  74. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 3:43 PM

    Do it for the kids, Bess.

  75. Posted by Bess Levin | April 7, 2010 at 3:48 PM

    @72 I’m pretty sure another major element to the book, in addition to the scat-play, is “hogging” (h/t nakedshort for that term).

  76. Posted by NakedShort | April 7, 2010 at 3:53 PM

    800-FAT-GIRL

  77. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 3:59 PM

    @Bess –

    “No, I kid you not. Apparently, the investment guru chanced upon the idea when trying to settle down his three young children for bed, and hasn’t looked back since.”

    Wow. Those kids will need a lot of therapy I’m sure…

  78. Posted by RosenScheisse | April 7, 2010 at 4:07 PM

    Ask him about the bang-up job Crescendo did on the Computer Horizons acquisition/dismantling

  79. Posted by Investorcluzo | April 7, 2010 at 4:10 PM

    bess, ask him which one of his kids farted at the grocery store…

  80. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 4:15 PM

    this guy is awesome

  81. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 4:15 PM

    this guy FTW. living the g-d dream.

  82. Posted by b2b MD | April 7, 2010 at 4:16 PM

    Pls ask the longest he has held one in…and did it cause him to change colors??

  83. Posted by guest | April 7, 2010 at 5:00 PM

    Q: what’s his process? did he write this book while jerking off with a noose around his neck? or is it one thing at a time?

  84. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 6:17 PM

    Just to be clear, this bitch’s epic fart has the exact same effect as her regular farts?

  85. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 6:20 PM

    @84 do regular f’s change the color and taste of fruit?

  86. Posted by Anonymous | April 7, 2010 at 7:01 PM

    @85- her f’s do, apparently.

  87. Posted by Jerry@fundville | April 7, 2010 at 9:06 PM
  88. Posted by Edgeworth | April 8, 2010 at 1:38 PM

    15, 43, 51, 61: Not the same Eric Rosenfeld. LTCM Eric Rosenfeld has a PhD from MIT and was a Harvard professor; Crescendo Eric Rosenfeld has an MBA from Harvard and did not lose billions of dollars.

    Too bad: it would have made the joke all the better. Instead, this dude’s going to get to hear even more people disappointed that he not only was not at LTCM but that he parlayed his HBS MBA into a book on farts making food taste better. WTF?

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