Not sure if any of you have learned this lesson yet but let it be known, there is no justice in the world of parking your damn car wherever you want. Richard Grubman learned this the hard way Tuesday night, when he attempted to leave his vehicle, a 2007 BMW X5 SUV, in a lot at the Ritz reserved only for residents. After being informed by a valet that the mom-mobile would have to be moved, the Highfields Capital manager chose to do what anyone in his position probably would, which was to throw an obscenities-laced “curbside fit.” Not feeling his message was sufficiently being communicated, Grubs then threw his keys in the valet’s face, “striking him in the upper lip area.” It was at that moment, while the blood gushed from the worker’s face that Rich asked himself a serious question– “What can I do to top this? People are going to talk about the incident and when they do I want them to focus so not much on the fact that I’m a self-important prick but the total fucking lunatic aspect.” And that’s when it came to him.
Accuse the guy you just attacked of stealing your keys.
“He was excited and arguing with everybody,” valet manager Ephrem Temesgen told the Herald yesterday. “He accused us of keeping his keys. I said, ‘Sir, we don’t have your keys.’ ”
Hotel security reported they found Grubman’s keys under a Range Rover.
Grubman said he “did throw his car keys on the hood of the car but denied hitting” the valet, according to the police report.
Honcho’s Ritz access KO’d after alleged hissy fit [Boston Herald via Gawker]
He is just pissed that all the chicks in Boston have a chronic sharting problem. Can’t really blame him. Thats just gross.
Allow myself to introduce myself. I’m Richie Cunningham.
I park my Scion wherever I choose, whenever I choose. No one fucks with me, ever. Dey all fear me.
- Thug
Pretty sweet mugshot.
-Gary Busey
Grubman. Any relation to Lizzie?
looks like he’s about to cry
…and all in favor of the name ‘Ephrem the Retarded Valet?
-Pea Tear Gryphon
What an idiot. And this guy has a job? Shame on you, you pathetic loser. And I hope you loser your Hedge Fund JOB.
They must have taken that mugshot right after telling him that they were going to give him a cavity search.
…and then I awoke in a vicious cold sweat, which was accompanied with a mind-numbing headache – every pulsation feeling like an aluminum little league bat that was crushing my skull into smashed basal ganglia. It is Saturday afternoon, 3:30PM. I am laying naked on my Waverly Platform Bed by Modloft with a young woman next to me who was still asleep. Unfortunately, there is a perfuse amount of dried up blood all over my pearl white fitted bed sheet and duvet cover (all by Sferra Millesimo Linens), which I purchased at Bergdorf (only) last week.
Despite this awakening the rendered me totally immobile and mortified, the events that led to this brutal awakening were nothing short of noteworthy.
It is Friday, late evening, in the fall and I had just gotten out of work. The day was like any typical Friday: 1) morning workout in the gym at workp; 2) meeting with an Associate and VP in my group that was totally unproductive, because they were already making plans on how they were going to blow their bonuses; 3) hanging out with other analysts and seeing if anyone is attempting to party tonight – all while calling a contingent of women with hopes that AT LEAST one will blow me tonight; 4) watching to my playlist of 80s music videos on my laptop while I worked on a few financial models and pitch books (alternating between the two tasks).
Before I knew it, it was already 7PM and I could not tolerate the retarded analysts in my group who were still lingering around the office. So, instead of continuing to subject myself to stories about their eating clubs (or clubs of that sort) from their university days, I decided to split. On my way out, I noticed a young (obviously Blonde) assistant who had to stay later in the evening to perform some ungodly trivial duties that a Managing Director had directed her to perform. Although the assistant, Michala, and I had actually had an awkward “make out session” at last year’s Holiday party, this did not prevent me from stopping at her desk for a quick chat. After realizing that she was in fact on her way out, I decided to ask her to dinner that evening and (of course) she accepted. So, without hesitation, I phoned the Lever House Restaurant to make a reservation. Although it is relatively hard to get a table there, I managed to get one through a friend of mine that I went to university with at University of Cambridge (Christ’s College).
Dinner moved along relatively quickly and during the course of our time there, we drank two bottles of wine. By 9:30PM we were basically completed with dinner and had reminisced about our little kissing incident last year. I even admitted that I had jerked off to thinking about her blowing me and to my relief she laughed and assured me that she is better than I could conjure. Typically when a young woman makes such a claim it is a blatant life, but she looked like she gave great “globe”. By 9:45PM that bill had came and it was $312.50, which I paid for with my platinum AMEX card – I estimated that this month’s bill must be around $6,000 (YIKES!)
Friday around 10PM lends to traffic as one heads from midtown to SoHo – which is the neighborhood I live in and where I, usually, go out. Seeing that this was the case tonight, I figured that with a little gentle persuasion (hint: the reference to the Tears For Fears song, “Head over Heals”, which is a play on a young fellow who lusts for a librarian at an Oxbridge university [that means Cambridge or Oxford for you fucking, and unsophisticated, idiots who are not aware]) I would be fortunate to get some “globe” on our ride down to Thom Bar at 60 Thompson – the boutique hotel. Without hesitate, a quick and lustful smirk led to her head ending up in my lap within two minutes of being in the cab. By the time we reached W. Houston Street, I had busted a huge nut in her mouth, which was rather elegantly received. As quick as she consumed my construda, she mentioned that something about her being my “little office slut”, but I was too busy frantically worrying about whether or not my new suit from Oxxford Clothes (which will be ready tomorrow morning) will fit appropriately after having been tailored. This uneasiness is soothed by the fact that it is located conveniently next to my favorite store, Bergdorf.
Once we finally get inside to Thom Bar, I immediately order two vodkas and water for myself and a soda water for Michala – fooling her into thinking that there is actually vodka in her drink. I think to myself that if I can keep this up, at least this will relieve the stress of worrying about an absurdly large bar tab, which I will again put on my platinum AMEX card. At first, I did not think we were going to be let into the bar. This was totally attributed to the fact that Michala was wearing some skanky skirt from Barneys and what could be considered stripper boots. Fortunately, for me, we were granted entrance. After a few hours, I got very drunk, got jerked off (under a table) by the girl and insisted that we needed a change of scenery.
At 2AM on what is now Saturday morning, is when things started to get a little shifty. Earlier in the week I had spoken with my cousin who is currently studies at Stern as an undergrad and he informed me of some “hipster” party that was going to be rocking. Having just remembered this, I asked Michala if she would like to accompany me to this party, which was being held in D.U.M.B.O. (Brooklyn – obviously). She expressed her yearning to dance and I assured her that there would be plenty of dancing at this party, which, at the time, was a lie.
Upon our arrival to the party, I was pleased to see that the party was in full swing and that there actually was a great deal of dancing. Of course, Michala b-lined it to the dance floor where we began to dance much like a sultry, cheap whore – despite that fact that she was wearing Mikimoto pearls that had been a gift from her supposed sugar daddy who was a “big swinging dick” from CSFB. Aside from the fact that she looked incongruously hot, I was more bemused by the fact that they were playing “Everywhere” by Fleetwood Mac and that a buddy of mine, whose is a trader at Citigroup, was dancing in an extremely uncanny way. After only being at the party for 45 seconds to one minute, I was already immensely perplexed and decided that my time would be better spent finding my cousin, who was obviously doing blow somewhere in this rather large and industrial apartment.
After finding my cousin and doing what he said was a “boat load” of blow, I moved on to the bar where I grabbed myself some Jim Beam on the rocks. After consuming four of these drinks in probably 30 minutes (although my perception of timing was absolutely shot by then), I eventually moved onto the dance floor once “Everything She Wants” by Wham! (which was a Billboard’s #1 hit in 1985, only to be succeeded by “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears For Fears”) began. The dance floor was being fueled by drugs, alcohol, sweat and a contingence of unadulterated sexual libidos – with what was now Hall and Oates’ masterpiece “Method of Modern Love” blaring in the background. Throughout this whole time, my nuts were getting soar from being groped by Michala, who was eager to have some dick in her. Being fully aware of her needs, I motioned (by way of a disco hand swing) to the bathroom and grabbed my arm and dragged me into a rather large bathroom that already had a couple in the shower – an exclusively female couple.
Michala closed the door and as she did this I was totally fixated on the two hardbodies that were going at it. To my amusement, one hardbody was sitting on the closed toilet seat with her legs on the shoulders of the other broad who was eating her box. Pulling me away from what was transpiring, she began to blow me. At this point, I was so cocked that I motioned her to stop, lifted her by her shoulders, placed her on the marble top where the faucet was located and began to eat her out. After five minutes of juicy fluids being exchanged from her pussy and my mouth, the proverbial “turkey was done” and it was time for me to “put it in the oven.” While banging, I am quite sure that I came only because I was watching/thinking about the two hardbodies going to town on each other. Not the fact that I was banging the hottest assistant on my floor at work.
Its 6AM and Michala and I finally arrive back to my place. She insisted that she spend the night. Immediately when we arrived, we took the party to my bed where I continued to eat her out. Her screams, of pleasure, were piercing as she begged for me to slide inside her. After an array of sexual positions the included the likes of “The Polish” and “The Kansas Plow”, I finally came. Michala came five times. Having been so drunk at this point, I apparently decided that there would be no need for a clean up.
That afternoon, when I woke up, I was unable to calculate how, and more appropriately, where this blood came from. In a panic I woke up Michala only for her to tell me that I was so drunk that I had not even realized that she had been on her period. She need began to mentioned how she “revels” (synonym: “paint the town red) in a manner in which she can hang certain rather embarrassing moments over the heads to guys with type-A personalities.
To this, I assured her that this was not embarrassing for me and she labeled me as one with too much pride that was in sure denial. What was my counter-response? I ate her out right there on the spot.
Three years later, Michala and I are now engaged.
“Pleasure is the only thing to live for. Nothing ages like happiness.” – Oscar Wilde
wasn’t that guy in Manhunter?
He got $8 billion to take care of…, a little bit of anger is understandable.
must be an april fools gag. Anyone with HF credentials knows ’07 X5′s are key fob operated.
Guess there wasn’t a cup of scalding hot coffee handy.
@8
Lay off the crack, son.
@10 that was horrible. spare yourself the embarrassment and never try that again.
I was actually there at the time. It wasn’t nearly the “hissy” fit it’s being made out to be, and the valet was a serious prick.
@12 I’ve got 12+ billion to take care of and you don’t see me throwing keys at valets (because I have a driver. fucking peasant).
-SAC
@17 hahah omg welcome, mrs. grubman!
He has to call ‘a contingent of women’ to get a bj? What a loser.
@20. I’ll blow you if you let me do your taxes.
@7 – That made me laugh. I love that episode.
@ 12 – Sonofabitch! Do you know who I am? I’m Dick Grubman! I made my bones when you were still picking up soaking wet women in bars!
sorry, meant Stevie @18
looks like he’s opening wide for a cockmeat sandwich – with extra mayo
I know the HF’s have a high water mark to meet from 08 but geez, what they won’t do to avoid a tip these days.
Princeton. Figures.
someone say they wanted to do my taxes?
-tiger
So someone enlighten me, is @10 an “original work” or what?
If you’re a valet, how the fvck do you not rape-choke the $h!t out of some db who throws keys in your face?
@10 – I’m confused. What were you trying to accomplish? It seemed to lack any of the positive qualities one would hope for in a piece of writing.
@30 While satisfying, if you throttle the dude you’ll probably lose your job and get charged with assult. If, on the other hand, you just stand there and let management (and reporters) come running, you may have a nice basis for charging said db with assault (not to mention showing the world said individuals profound db-ness and possibly making a couple $$ from lawsuits/selling the story.)
@29 anal_yst – why do you want to know? so you can figure out what degree of ad hominem attacks to direct at the author? we’ve seen what you’re capable of and it ain’t nice. What was nice was a break from you when you were on vacation.
@29,
Judging from the fact that he still calls it CSFB, it looks like a rejected 2005 Leveraged Sellout post.
Looks like an O-face. Care to enlighten us further @17/The Mrs?
@9, either that or it was taken at the same time as the cavity search.
And @33, chill dude…
@32
Aren’t you defending yourself? how is going nuts and throwing things at you not the first punch?
Besides, if you lose your job you’re talking about a valet job…
@30,32,36…
TGFD lands on the “Kick-His-Sorry-Ass-All-Around-the-Parking-Lot” side of the issue; however, before I kicked his ass, I would have asked grubman what made him feel so important? If grubman said just about anything other than an apology, I would have kicked his ass twice. Probably would have hurt him too.
BTW, this is the real TGFD. I signed-up yesterday. My restriction on registering must have been lifted by DB management.
The Guy from Delaware
@33 – blow a goat.
(cue goat . . . )
@37 TGFD GTFO
I believe this Grubman’s previous brush with fame involved (accurately) referring to Jeffrey Skilling as an asshole.
No … wait … it was Skilling who called Grubman an asshole, during that 2001 conference call as Enron was swirling down the sinkhole, right? Possibly still accurate. But Grubman isn’t locked up for a long time and begging for help from a wise Latina and 8 friends.
@33 = Sarah Bernett? I haven’t seen the term “ad hominem” used so much since we were mocking Bernett Capital Management LLC.
Anal_yst – 1
@33 – 0
Anal_yst gets a point to not responding to your pussy post.
I have no idea why Jeff Skilling called this guy an asshole.
None…whatsover. Really, I dont get it.
Anonymous@#41…
The ad hominem Fallacy Fallacy
http://plover.net/~bonds/adhominem.html
The Guy from Delaware
Hey Anal_yst@41 – awww! You’re so cute, awarding yourself points when you’re pissed. Any thoughts or insights to offer about this?
@44 – blow me.
@10 Go kill yourself.
He looks like Peter Thiel is about to nut in his eye.
TGFD – I’m bookmarking that page. Thanks.
Anonymous@#48…
You are welcome.
The Guy from Delaware
@10: TLDR
born on third base and thinks he hit a triple
what a decade….from getting called an asshole on a Enron earnings call to ending the career due to a spat with a 19 year old kid
this guy is responsible for “managing” billions of other people’s money???
seriously???
he cant even park his own car
geez, wonder what all those investors are thinking now
@52 Good call.
@40 Too.
the conversation today at Highfields:
“what do we need to do with this problem? either we toss Richard or the firm goes down as the investors walk out the door. we could have a run on the bank”
Adelphia….asshole
you guys laughed at me for 2 years while I shit the bed and blew up my business….
tag, you’re it….have fun Jake & Richard
looking forward to hearing about this in the Q1 letter.
and you better believe I will be there on April 30
@11, no, that was William Petersen
@44 that would require cool-headedness. Not his trait.
@51…I’ve always loved that phrase. Thanks.
Small pecker syndrome
@10. You’re a real jabroni dude. We’ve all read AP and don’t need some geek trying to imitate it, to show that you GET WITH CHICKS! SWEET!
Grubman, you freaking parasite, you took 1/3 of my money to do nothing but write quarterly letters.
they call me Grub”MAN”, while I suck the brothers off in the city jail…..
Jake, go fuck yourself. I picked you off for the 1/3 asshole. Stop wearing those 80′s mock turtlenecks and learn how to write yourself, you ignorant jock. Princeton in the house!!!
And we have these bitches Sidman and Farb doing all the heavy lifting.