* 9:45: Fifteen minutes to go. Disappointingly, His Fantabulousness and Lloyd Blankfein are on separate panels, meaning no opportunity for potential backhands to the face. No matter. There’s gonna be a showdown. So while we wait:
[I have it on good authority that Lloyd and Lucas have rehearsed the above moves and will be performing them at intermission.]
* 9:57: The “Pink Ladies” have traded in their standard uniforms for prison garb. Good one, ladies.
* 10:03: Carl Levin (NO RELATION) is telling us why we’re here. Goldman Sachs took advantage of its clients, yada, yada, yada.
* 10:04: That’s right, cameraman, focus on The Fab (who’s grown his hair a little longer and is looking kind of hot).
* 10:09: Carl: “Goldman Sachs treats clients like objects (of profit).” Jackie Treehorn, a former prop trader, was the first to pioneer this model at the firm.
* 10:16: Goldman made money off its shorts. Dun Dun Dun.
* 10:26: Apparently Goldman didn’t just hurt its clients, it hurt everyone in the world. Take a moment right now to show us on the doll where Goldman touched you.
* 10:28: Going to interrupt Carl for a moment to announce that Melissa Francis gave birth last night to her second son (with husband Wray). The kid’s name is Greyson Alexander Thorn. May he grow up to be a Goldman banker.
* 10:32: Senator Susan Collins: I’m very discreet…but I will haunt your dreams.
* 10:38: According to Suzy, we’re not here to celebrate the fact that Goldman Sachs made some money during the crisis. Which means I’ve made a terrible mistake. Reader poll: cancel the stripper cake, even though she’s already inside? Or just say fuck it? Why should this lady get to say what’s what?
* 10:40: Senator Claire McCaskill is just going to throw words out there, arrange them in any way you like: bets, odds, bookies, tranches, waterfalls, golden showers, clown-facing, pit bosses, Las Vegas, street gamblers, KGB.
* 10:44: SENATOR MARK PRYOR: “I MAY NOT UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING ON WALL STREET.”
* 10:47: Daniel Sparks, former mortgages department head and PMD: He only meant to stay at Goldman for two years. But he couldn’t let it go. There was something about Goldman he couldn’t shake. Something…special.
* 10:51: Josh Birnbaum, Former Managing Director, Structured Products Group Trading: Wharton grad. That is all.
* 10:56: Michael “Swenny” Swenson, Managing Director, Structured Products Group Trading: [guy behind left shoulder is just gonna play dead until the Model 5000 GS employee is finished]
* 11:02: Fabrice “Fab” Tourre: FINALLY. The only reason we’re here today. Reading of this statement. Unlike the Toyota hearings, no translator necessary. Won’t get good until he’s performing off the cuff but so far, I sense a ‘tude, and I like it. If he wants to make us really happy he’ll whip out a cigarette when he’s done and light up.
* 11:12: Before Carl finishes this little speech, is someone going to tell him that Sparks hasn’t found the email in the 938,918 page binder he was supposed to be looking for yet?
* 11:13: WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN FOR SPARKS TO JUST NEVER FIND THE RIGHT PAGE IS A GENIUS. LOOKIN’ AT YOU LUCAS.
* 11:16: Sparks: Senator Levin, I literally have no idea what you’re talking about. No joke, no offense, I straight up have no idea what you’re saying.
* 11:17: Senator Levin: IF I POINT AND SAY THE PHRASE ‘HOW DO YOU GUYS GET COMFORTABLE WITH’ OVER AND OVER AGAIN MAYBE AT SOME POINT IT WILL MAKE SENSE [aid whispering in Levin's ear: "Sir, things are unraveling, it's getting away from us." Levin: "Shut it bitch."] HOW DO YOU GUYS GET COMFORTABLE [FINGER POINTS] GET COMFORTABLE [FINGER POINTS] GUYS [FINGER POINTS] COMFORTABLE?!?
* 11:24: This is how it’s going to be. Every five to six minutes, Carl’s going to pick a new phrase to shout over and over, in the form of a question that people will have no idea how to answer. First phrase was “how do you guys get comfortable with,” next up, “crap pools.” Crap pools. Crap pools. Crap pools.
Sparks: I don’t…
CL: Crap pools.
Sparks: Sir?
CL: Crap pools.
Sparks: Um…
CL: Crap pools.
Sparks : All I’m saying…
CL: Crap pools?
Sparks: Mr. Chairman I’m just…
CL: Crap pools?
Sparks: Sir?
CL: Crap pools!
Sparks: We…
CL: Crap pools!
Sparks: I’m sorry?
CL: Crap pools! Knock, knock.
Sparks: Who’s there?
CL: CRAP POOLS!
Sparks: Look…
CL: Crap pools! Let me tell you a little story about a man named Crap pools! Crap pools! Even before you start. That was a preemptive Crap pools. Just know I have a whole bag of ‘Crap pools’ with your name on it.
11:30: Phrase # 3: “Shitty deals”
11:33: Carl: Who’s Tom Montag? Who’s Dan Sparks? Who’s Lloyd Blankfein? Who’s Carl Levin? WHERE AM I?
11:37: Senator Collins would like to go down the line and ask everyone if they felt they had a duty act in the best interest of their clients. Sending a silent plea to Fab to, after everyone else says yes, jumps up on the desk and say, “Our duty to our clie-ents vas simply zees [dramatic dick slap to random audience member's face.]
11:43: Collins: “Mr. Chairman, I think a tactic of this group is to burn through time by asking the question to be re-stated.” You win this round, Susan.
11:47 Collins: Turn to page 104.
Birnbaum [turns to page 104, sees it has nothing to do wtih what she's talking about]: Sorry, 104?
Collins: Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me! [confers with aid] Hmm, no. Not 104. 26. Bet you think you’re so smart, don’t you Goldie? Is this how you played your clients?
11:53: Levin: I’m hip to your games and your little tricks and we’re going to stay here until you answer the questions whether they make one ounce of sense or not, got it? [NOTE: THIS IS ONLY PANEL ONE OF THREE!!! SAVE YOURSELVES!]
12:00: Senator Kaufman: What I’m getting here from this hearing is that no one did anything wrong.
[panel: nods gravely]
12:05: Kaufman: I’m not a fan of hindsight or Monday Morning Quarterbacking (O RLY?). I’m not here to embarrass you You’re here to embarrass me and my colleagues. Just wanted to be clear on that. Got it, boss?
12:10 You guys this thing is sucking my will to live. There’s only one way way to recharge. Do this with me:
12:21 Senator Coburn: I’m just getting here, so I’ll make my opening remarks now, 3 hours into the thing. I was busy tending to more important issues. I was having a mole removed. Anyway, Swenson I have a question for yo, did you–
Swenson (as transcribed by PB): Senator, if you can’t bother to get here on time, just shut the fuck up already. I know what you’re going to ask and it was covered in my prepared statement. I will not repeat myself in order to accommodate your tardiness.
12:23 Senator Coburn: Who was your leader? Who sent you here? Who is your leader?
Birnbaum: We did it as a team.
Coburn: Who is your leader? Who led?
Birnbaum: We did it as a team. Are you suggesting there can only be one leader?
Coburn: There can only be on leader. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LLOYD BLANKFEIN (which, btw, is the title of my memoir).
Birnbaum: Swenny was my ultimate boss.
Swenson: Sparks was my boss.
Sparks: Zuul was my boss.
12:30: No longer interested in even pretending to give a shit about this charade, Swenny has turned to audible sighs. [Swenson, you asshole, this is kind of a turn on-- call me. Sparks, you can give me a ring as well.]
12:36: Coburn: Were you embarrassed by those emails…the ones to your girlfriend?
Fab: Yeah, a little bit.
Coburn: Were you deeply embarrassed by them? Do you think Lucas and Lloyd released them to distract everyone from the fact that they’re currently structuring newfangled derivatives for Paulson&Co to short, such as Senator Levin’s performance on Dancing With The Stars?
12:40: We get it, Claire McCaskill, you have a gambling problem, particularly as it relates to sports betting. If GS just gives you a little money to get by can everyone go home?
1:15: [Riffing between Senator Ensign and Senator who's name I missed based on joke Ensign took a week to come up with-- "I think the people of Vegas would be offended to be compared to Wall Street. At least they know the game is rigged."]
1:30: Ensign: I think one of the reasons you guys were able to get away with this whole scam is that you used fancy words that people who aren’t market manipulators wouldn’t understand. For instance, the word ‘static.’ Hows is someone who doesn’t work at Goldman or have their CFA supposed to understand what that means? Can you even tell me what that means right now?
Sparks: Sure, sir, and I understand it’s tricky. ‘Static’ is industry jargon for ‘fixed.’ Like when something doesn’t move.
Ensign: Okay, now define ‘canines.’
Sparks: Dogs. To the layman.
1:42: Senator Baucus: Do you think Goldman did anything wrong, Mr. Sparks?
Sparks: No, I would say I don’t think Goldman did anything wrong–
Baucus: Interesting. So you’re saying you don’t think Goldman did anything wrong?
Sparks: No, I would say I don’t think Goldman did anything wrong–
Baucus: Son, you’re not speaking my language.
1:55: Senator Tester: You guys have done a great job. You didn’t answer a single question but that’s okay that’s fine, that’s not your fault. Maybe later we can go out for a pop without the lawyers and you can tell me what really happened.
2:05: [Levin, to no one in particular] “Shiftin’ risk…CDO’s…lemons….lemons…”
2:20: Senator Coburn: I’m not finding what I want in these emails…you know…incriminating shit…so how about this– true or false, the firm has a policy which states that you’re not allowed to raise any ethical issues in an email. You know, the sort of shit that had you put it in an email, would’ve really helped me out today. Let’s just go down the line. Is that or is that not a firm policy.
Sparks: No.
Brinbaum: No.
Swenny: [Dramatic eye-roll] No.
Fab: No.
Coburn: Agree to disagree.
2:25: Senator Coburn: “We’re not that stupid.”
[...]
2:25: Senator Coburn: Does a ‘PM’ refer to ‘prime mover’?
Fab: Uhhh…generally it refers to ‘portfolio manager.’
Coburn: Phat magic?
Fab: Portfolio manager?
Coburn: Pimp money?
Fab: Portfolio manager?
Coburn: Potty mouth?
Fab: Portfolio manager?
Coburn: Pussy magnet?
Fab: Portfolio manager? But Pussy Magnet too, yes.
3:13 We’re past the 5 hour mark. HOW IS THIS STILL HAPPENING? Is it even legal not to break for lunch? There are two more panels to go– will Lloyd have to stay over night? HE DIDN’T BRING AN OVERNIGHT BAG!
AND BREAK.
3:30: I love you, Viniar but my fingers need a break. Resting them ’til LB.
Run for your lives! There’s a giant shit cloud coming!
Does Fab have a soul patch? I couldn’t tell with the wonderful panning by the cameraman.
Fabulous Fab looks just a bit nervous …..can’t say I blame him- he’s about to get corn-holed live and in living color-
Why is Bess’ estranged father the Senator leading this hearing?
Bess, you better have gotten your dad, the right honourable senator, to be asking some ballbuster questions otherwise i am going to have to get theatrical here.
Someone should tell the Senator that the combover isn’t fooling anyone…
@4/5 you slay me.
Nice Big Lebowski ref Ms. Levin.
@6 – lol. what about the giant mole/pimple on the left side of his lip? is that fooling anyone?
Has there been a Maxine sighting? I assume she will sit in the gallery and yell out questions.
“SCUSE ME! Axe him bout Golden’s credit card rates and FEES, axe him bout the fees. Fa the minaritees in the cuhmunity!”
@Bess – your work is incomplete until you include NO RELATION in your tags. Maybe it’s because you are getting all hot from looking at His Fabulousness, but you are disappointing us. And we still want to know if his French babe in London is hot and why he writes to her in English.
NICE CHARTS!
8 year olds dude. 8 year olds.
BESS’ PEDOPHILE UNCLE FROM MICHIGAN NEEDS TO STEP DOWN. THIS IS ATROCIOUS. A WITCH-TRIAL.
Bess, text your uncle and tell him to STFU. I want Fab to make a speech and I want him to make it now.
you mean these young guys on the camera created all of this shit, where is LB?
@16 he’s on the third panel.
Fab does not like so fabulous today….
Bess, I am your father
Maxine: Is this your homework Fab? Is this your homework Fab?
Maxine: Your killing your father Fab! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!
I think GS did not send enough grey haired employees to this grilling, this looks like it is going to be a major PR disaster for GS – no high visible GS employees at the table. Did they send associates or mid-level employees only?
So is he saying that GS should not have shorted the market and just asked for more bailout money?
Swenson’s blinking a message in morse code…anyone fluent?
Fab may flip a quarter at Bess’s dad and go Uncle Buck on him
@ 21 Scroll up, go to second sentence.
Bess: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn’t really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Bess’ Senator Dad Carl Levin: No actually the girl is quite astute. I really am trying to kill her, but so far unsuccessfully. She’s quite wily, like her old man.
I think we should have a new rule: If you talk like you are chewing your cud, you shouldn’t be allowed on the panel.
Why does a stroke victim have the floor?
Did Sen Collins put Vicodin on her cheerios this morning?
she sounds like the female steve hawking
Holy F*CK – Get the hook!! get Sen. Collins off— is she having an anuerism?
@21 – Are you being serious? Great. Now go back to Yahoo! Finance please.
28, haha, beat me to it!!
Does the guy to Fab’s right have a soul patch on his forehead?
I did all for the nookie(s).
~Fab Fab
@30 – just hit the screen with coffee – thanks
Fab: “I wouldn’t hit that with Blankfein’s dick.”
@6 The honorable Senator should corn-row his combover.
Sen. Susan Collins thinks the crisis is not catastrophic enough, say “nearly catastrophic”
Blonde behind Collins looks very sad.
I think there should be a rule/law that if you’re on a televised panel, you must first take public speaking classes…this is making a mockery of the “reading is fundamental” program. how did she get elected? collins = fail.
and McCain is there. hell
Bess: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Daddy Carl: Bess, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
Who is this now? Looks like my second-grade teacher.
@40 yes, she thought collins spoke too fast to follow
up 2% on volume.
This is a perfect opportunity for a Godfather 2-like scene when Frank Pentangeli testified before the Senate. Fab starts reading his testimony and Blankfein walks in with Fab’s brother Olivier and takes a seat in the back row. Then Fab suddenly recants: “Abacus? I never heard of an Abacus.”
Just because *she’s* not here to celebrate doesn’t change the facts. I was told there’d be cake.
-guest
Who’s the asian with the funny faces over Sparks’ right shoulder?
@47 that would be legendary
GS is rising quickly. I think investors are starting to realize that those prosecuting them are dumber than dirt and GS’s lawyers will have them choking on pretzels in no time.
What a farce!
when lb is staged?
Maxine W:Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn’t look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Daddy Carl L: Oh sure.
MW: Well, after a couple of years we got a little.impatient. CL,I would like you to meet your daughter.
CL: My Daughter?
MW: Ja. BESS!
[Bess enters]
CL: Hello Bess.
Bess: Hi.
CL: I’m your father. Senator Carl Levin.
Bess: I haven’t seen you my whole life and now you just show up and *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What?
CL: Can I have a hug?
Bess: No.
CL: Give me a hug.
Bess: No way.
CL: Come on. Let’s go. Pronto.
Bess: What are you doing?
CL: I’m with it. I’m hip. Well, don’t look at me like I’m friggin’ Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.
Bess: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[CL runs after her with his arms out]
CL: Hug, hug, hug.
@49 japanese i think
@49 If I’m not mistaken, that’s George Takei.
Wharton. There we go. You knew it was in there somewhere.
Quick Recap:
Indignant Senator 1: Rabble Rabble Rabble
Indignant Senator 2: (Unintelligible)
Indignant Senator 3: HARRUMPH!
Not related? I can see whay you’d say so but it says right here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Levites#Family_name that you are. But you also have some heavy hitters in your lineup, including a guy named Moses. So you have your compensations.
@57
I didnt get a HARRUMPH outta that guy!
Tell me Swenson isnt the square of this group.
LOL. This guy looks nervous.
These Senator’s are absolute scum.
@60- This guy blows. I’m pretty sure he’s going into such ridiculous detail just because he doesn’t know any better, but there’s an off-chance he’s just trying to confuse Bess’s uncle et al.
@59
You have to admit, they could just play this scene and call it a day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JN99jshaQbY
OMG OMG FINALLY!
Americans=not guilty
Fab=guilty as charged
@53 Not Funny…..Fail…..Epic Fail even….
Now everyone, the Carl/Bess Father/Daughter joke was funny the first, maybe second post. Now it is old so let’s put the lame horse out of its misery before more of you embarrass yourselves.
That is All…..
The woman behind Fabulous looks like a cabbage patch doll.
Fab: “Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries. “
“I vill mount a vigorous defense, just like Chaz Degaulle. Viva la Fab!”
@68 totally. They need to filter the audience better.
Well, the senators seems to have perked up now that Fab Fab is talking…
I think Fab is hot. And I think he should make some serious bank, Martha Stewart style, by writing a book after all this is over and settled.
did you notice those binders on the desk? how can you not! wtf is that? lol
GET THESE GUYS SOME IPADS
sacré bleu! this is an outrage, I did nothing wrong. harrumph!
sparks is sweating
“Apparently Goldman didn’t just hurt its clients, it hurt everyone in the world. Take a moment right now to show us on the doll where Goldman touched you.”
Everything I love about Bess’ writing in two sentences.
WHY ARE YOU ASHAMED OF YOUR LINEAGE! AND WHY DIDN’T YOU ATTEND KATE’S BAT MITVAH? WAS THAT A SLIGHT????
Does anyone have a link to the exhibits on the senate website?
Carl Levin looks like a Sharpei.
One day it will be Senatrix Levin asking the tough questions
Why does Sen. Levin’s first question reference the 300th page of the binder? And referencing an email that was not in this exhibit?
Holy shit this must be a joke. Who put this shit together?
“I know you dont know” But answer me anyway, goddamnit!!!!
- Levin
@67 I know you’re a proud papa and all, but shouldn’t you be paying attention at the hearing rather than reading DB?
that pile of paper is about 15% the height of the new health care law
Fuck, politicians are such goddamn morons.
how can u get comfortable….?
Bess, I know it’s hard but it is time to put Daddy in a home
HOW DO YOU GET COMFORTABLE?!
DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?!
I’m waiting for the Spanish Inquisition to jump out from that door behind Sen. Levin.
Obfuscate! Obfuscate! Obfuscate!
Sparks is doing his lawyers proud.
I know we lost money on the long but I have no idea if we made money on the shorts???? Clearly the plan is to run out the clock on these questions without giving a clear response.
I just don’t think this will work this time.
Next Up:
The Senate grills Cheap Suit Salesmen:
…”Were you aware that you were selling unvented, polyester suits ? What were you thinking ? Did someone who purchased one if these suits for $40 try to turn around to sell it and could only get $10 for it ? How do you live with yourself ?”
Cloudy, with a chance of grease balls.
Sen. Levin: Look here. It say’s CRAP! “Crap pools.” Don’t even bother reading the rest of the email, I just wanted to say crap on international television. Crap. Pools.
Are these people not briefed on anything? They have the whole GS mortgage team from ’07 here and this is the sh*t they can manage?
plead the fizzif
Does this guy even work for Goldman, or did they just hire him for the Senate gig? He doesn’t know anything. Brilliant strategy.
The Journal has a rather unflattering photo of Tourre on the main page. Ouch.
Give Sparks a hat and cane – what a performance!
senator levin, quite frankly…you can’t handle the truth! (sad trombone).
this dog and pony show is complete and utter nonsense. now go to page 278, you see that email where fab wants to snuggle with his girlfriend? take my word for it, he wants to snuggel. how do you get comfortable with that?
lots of book page flipping, seriously do they expect these Goldman kids to remember what color tie they also wore on April 20, 2008?
oh HE DID NOT JUST DROP THE S* BOMB so far the count is 5 times! hhahaha
Oh, this is getting good.
Someone count the “shitty”s. You could turn this into a drinking game.
How is whether or not something is inherently a good or poor deal on trial here ? Have we really gone that far as a society ?
is the FCC going to fine Levin for saying shitty multiple times?
Mr. Levin has a potty mouth
duck, dive, deny, lie, can’t recall, mis-remember, – outstanding -they’re perfectly groomed for a life in public office
What a waste of time: Flash…US Congress decides to make short selling illegal. They also make it illegal to go long.
While they are at it, they make it illegal not to not tell everyone you know, ever met or ever will meet in your life the god’s honest truth every time you open you mouth….this would include ex wives, chicks at bars, parole officers, trading counterparties, rouge nuclear states…etc.
The good news it will put the lawyers out of business (politicians too)..
Problem sorted…
I cannot believe GS is going to come out *better* out of this whole farce. 18 months of “investigation” for this. Wow!
Oh dear, you said doody!
Bess, your dad is making us proud.
Here goes Sen. Vicodin again – oh jesus -
@92 — haha amen
BUT THE LONGS LOST MONEY!!! Don’t you people get it?!?!!?!?
Wow this lady needs to look up what “fiduciary duty”, “market making” and “investment advisory” mean…
Why does she not just have them say Yes, I am guilty, and then ask the question…
Is that Diane Rehm from NPR?
Here we go, a question for Farice…
Tourre at the hearing is just the Senate’s revenge on the French for the one off tax on French banks that just shifted the US taxpayer money from SocGen to the French. Let them eat cake!
What is a re-fir-ence ?
Shut up, no, answer the question, I SAID SHUT UP.
why is ms piggy seated behind senator collins? does someone have their hand up her a$$ too (perhaps that’s why her voice is a little shakey)?
Meg Ryan looks old over Fab’s shoulder .. wow… what happened there?
Senator Shakey asks a question, does not like the answer and simply answer it for him.
Who the hell are these people ?!?
This is billiant.
Senator: “Look at 104! Now, I am going to ask you a question about exhibit 26.”
GS: “I dont see the email”
Senator: “They are wasting our time!”
why not just use a old fashioned overhead projector to show the page in question?
this woman is a moron.
How can they be so incompetent? It’s TRIVIAL to number pages.
this has to be the most embarassing, disorganized and ignorant line of questioning…Goldman 1: Iquisitors 0
anybody else see the frustration on the politicians face that reads: “why wont these guys just roll over and play dead?”
I’m convinced Birnbaum is just fuggin with this people
What page?
What exhibit?
Was that a question or a statement?
I went to Wharton – that’s a statement, plebes.
Welcome to equity trading 101
Sen. Levin call for cots….
oh… so now she is making a judgement of this guy who is a trader and has a masters in finance that the charts are more accurate than his description and she is much more perceptive than he.
now they’ve done it. “we’re going to stay here as long as it takes!” damn, levin…my dad tried that tactic on me once. once.
Why arent’t they following my EXPLICIT instructions – Tell them NOTHING. Keep repeating, “Its a small neighborhood.”
- Kimball, The Fugitive
These are the people drafting the FinReg. Sh*t’s gonna get real soon. Long vol.
Senator Lemony Snicket is awesome.
Why don’t you Google it Senator?
Birnbaum: Now are these really the questions I was called here to answer?
Crap pools and and “$hitty deals? Please tell
me you’ve got something more, Senator.
Please tell me there’s an ace up your sleeve.
This country wants culpability, please tell me their
law maker hasn’t pinned their hopes to an
ill-labeled, monstrous binder and perpetually
repeated curse words.
Why are the French such pussies?
ooooo….scary…we’ll be here way past lunch…never done that before
I think they should go after the creator of the pet rock next. I mean, that guy was just selling people rocks. It is his fault for selling them, not the idiots who bought them; definitly his fault.
I would love for them all to just get up and walk away a la Jessup: “Thanks, Guys – I love Washington’… lol
Sen. Levin: Now, to teach you boys a lesson, Officer Rabbit and I are going to watch you smoke the whole bag.
CNBC (together): Please no…
Sen. Levin: Please yes!
There was a GIANT sucking sound. And then an explosion! dont you think there was an explosion?
Kaufman is annoying as hell.
“this has to be the most embarassing, disorganized and ignorant line of questioning…Goldman 1: Iquisitors 0″
agreed – but not too much of a stretch to figure that the SEC will probably be more than slightly astute when it comes to questioning these guys.
They should now switch from the “Everyone was doing it” strategy to the “But Lehman’s started it” strategy. Cue 5…4…3…2…
kaufman looks like a jewish john kerry
note to anyone seated behind a senator who is speaking…sip the red bull, pinch yourself, do jumping jacks. but for goodness sakes, don’t sleep! wtf…that dude is getting better REM sleep than I did last night (but then again, I have a long short position)
“large” short…
what are “thin files?”
Kaufman- Mr. Sparks do you like gladiator movies?
I got barbelled last night
- B. Frank
Of course you’d go with stated income mortgages if you have a view that the collateral will appreciate 10% annually. Jesus.
Kaufman pulling for his alma mater. Wharton now ratchetting up the Biz School tables.
What do you know about “thin files?” Nothing? Ok.
What do you know about barbells? Nothing. Ok.
Lets move on to the topic of fairness. What do you know about fairness?
I can turn double A into Triple A
–Ashley
@141 lemony snickets…well done
Did the late-joiner say he is working on a problem bigger than this one?
Well, this is getting tiresome, I’m going to work on my own problem bigger than this one. Back in 10.
That concludes our fourth and final hearing – I will now move to my opening comments I should have given hours ago but quite frankly, I was working on something way way way more important than this ridiculous exercise in futility.
Is that Adam West over Swenson’s shoulder?
“Senator, if you can’t bother to get here on time, just shut the fuck up already. We will not repeat ourselves in order to accomodate your tardiness.”
@164 yes.
Coburn- Did you make a lot of money?
Swenson- Define a lot?
Coburn- Can you swim in it?
Swenson- yes I can but no diving!
damn swenson, your blinking is making me nervous…
@57 they should pass out Paddle Ball racquets next. The sherrif (congresswoman) is near???
same hairdo? http://www.andrewlove.org/blog/blogpics09/afterglow5.jpg
wow this guys are bigger pr!cks than I thought!
“we did it as a team”. Ha fucking amazing!
How much grief is the dude who put together the binders improperly going to catch after the hearing??
May I request the committee place hot interns in the front row next time? TYIA
Coburn- Do you know LB?
Umm no we know no one by that name.
If you mean god… he was on the 5th floor at 85 Broad at 10am on that Monday and he doesn’t like to be second guessed.
Exhibit 69, indeed.
Can we get some of this, please (video): http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/28/world/europe/28ukraine.html
Bess–12:23 post shouldn’t “Zulu” read “Zuul?” Because obviously GS is a conspiracy plot run by an evil Babylonian deity. Blankfein and Babylon both start with a B and end with a N!! PROOF!
Swenson eerily reminds me of Luis (Matt Ross) from American Psycho..
@176 Those binders were cartoon-like in their size. Whoa-there’s probably 3 interns right now in emergency hernia surgery.
Trying to get the French guy to rat out the ugly Americans. Good strate… oh never mind…
is this the distinguished lady from Jersey?
Apparently McCaskill is a big sports better. Love the irony of comparing the legal activity of market making to the illegal activity of sports bookmaking.
oh no.. Principal McCaskill is back! We are $crewed now! No Prom for any of us!
Sparks is a total moron. How did he make MD at Goldman?
Assuming your entire operation is identical to that of a bookie operating on the streets of Queens, tell me what your VIG is. What is your Vig?? Tell me, damn you! I know how bookies operate.
McCaskill is pissed she put the nest egg on KU in the tourney
CALL YOURSELF A BOOKIE, DAMMIT! I INSIST!!
McCaskill: “What I want to know is what is GS’s spread in tonight’s Cavs game?”
Didn’t she just admit to gambling? Hmmm, now THAT is illegal…no?
McCaskill: Mr. Sparks, have you ever sucked d!ck for coke?
Sparks: I’m not sure what this has to do with this hearing…
McCaskill: Answer the question! Have you ever sucked d!ck for coke?!
Sparks: Checkmate
@188 – no, he is most certainly not dumb.
And the answer to your question is: He made a metric fuckton of money for GS.
ACA sounds like KAKA
@188 It’s an act. They have all been prepped well.
This is cringeworthy. It’s like my mom telling me how to trade. She’s clueless.
McCaskill: What can you tell me about John Paulson?
Fabrice: He was part of that whole…Yale thing,
you know.
McCaskill: Yale thing?
Fabrice: Yeah…Yale thing.
McCaskill: What do you mean…Yale thing?
Fabrice: Well, I think for one that he was probably a closet
homosexual who did a lot of cocaine…that Yale thing.
So is there just an invite only asset picking room at 85 Broad?
Did she bet on the Timber-wolves too?
Man she is a whiny annoying twathead.
Are Goldie employees fighting back by buying up the stock for their 401k today to keep it positive?
Grey Wolf is resposible for unemployment in Missouri? OHHH-kayyyy….
“Why are there so many unemployed people in my state??!
Answer me, damn it! Everything sounds “so weird” to me.
Does everything “sound weird” to you??! Answer me! I demand answers!!!”
swenson smacks back. stand down senator…senator has been corrected and is now flustered!
McCaskill has no fucking clue!! It’s unbelievable
whoever put the exhibit binder together…….
They just announced on CSpan that the people responsible for putting together the binders and tabs for today’s GS hearing will be brought before the panel at 4:40pm today as well – and someone will be fired.
Claire McCaskill = The Maxine Waters of the Senate
would we be here today if people followed the rules of this book?
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1389/saturday-night-live-dont-buy-stuff
and it’s Ēchō, not eechō frenchy
- so the HC bill is more expensive then the Obama admin had said, costs were hidden from the public.
When is that senate calling Obama to take responsibility for his actions?
@198…FTW!
No one has commented on:
Teen Wolf
Airwolf
The 3 Wolves Howling at the Moon T-Shirt
The Boy who Cried Wolf
The Wolf’s Lair
The Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
How could these Senators miss these key Goldman Synthetics?
Claire Rocks.
The Senators don’t know enough about finance, derivatives, market makers etc to even ask a single question of value. To think they will be in charge of creating new law- OMG another disaster!!
Why are they allowed to testify about the SEC fraud allegations before the SEC has a go at them?
they have no case. just setting table for agency-principal trading reform. http://ht.ly/1DLgj
Bess — why do you feel the need to make every entry a snide comment?
Any inclination to intersperse any insight/criticism between the entertaining entries?
@217 I reveal insight *through* snide comments. any other brain busters?
Fab is killin it.
I love the senators glossing over the govt’s responsibility in this mess. I mean if you call GS, you call barney, you call chuck shumer you call Obama you call EVERYONE!
Fuck this court!
These people are fucking morons.
Swenny: What did we do wrong? We did nothing wrong.
Sparky: Yeah, we did. We were supposed to fight for the people who couldn’t fight for themselves. We were supposed to fight for Willie.
fade to tom cruise smiling appreciatively
anyone know how I can stream this on my smartphone? Bloomber radio needs wmp which my phone doesn’t have.
Love how the Wall Streeters the so called geniuses made so much money while hard working well educated professionals barely survived. WS drove up luxury goods and housing prices so nobody but them could afford even a bottle of good wine. Well I met these people and over and over thought to myself how did they make their hundreds of millions because frankly they are all so low class and stupid- the wives are botoxed bimbos who couldnt put a sentence together -well now we all know- THEY ARE NOTHING BUT CRIMINALS, THIEVES, SCAM ARTISTS-and the wives hit the lottery just like the pizza guy who hits the meganumber. This might be a dog and pony show but it does expose our pathetic culture.
finally a senator that is smart
Speaking of NOT smart-What about Barney Frank??? Anyone want to discuss what is still going on- they are still giving out loans to people who will not and can not repay! Then what?
When does the American public get to put Senators on parade to ask about lobbying and payoffs? Speaking of ethical behavior Senator!
224….I too wonder how these wizards of wall st made so much money while the rest of us lost so much AND bailed them out too!
Can anyone tell me what value add the Wizards of Wall St bring to this economy???????
@224
Go fuck yourself.
@224: Senator McCaskill, should you really be blogging during this critically important hearing, which sheds new light on bookies, “thin files,” barbells, etc? What a “shitty” thing to do, Senator. With all due respect.
The room is populated with morons- on both sides of the interrogation table-
Birnbaum is getting snippy.
This senator looks like a pig
Birnbaum is bitch-slapping Mr. Crewcut
Ta ta today Tester
@231 I would “eeecho” that sentiment.
tester v. birnbaum – like tyson v. holmes
He “socialized” his thought.
Can you define “socialize,” sir? Did you give it a few drinks and let it sleep with an analyst?
Oh there is sweat now. Birnbaum pissed his boxer briefs.
Wow Birnbaum should’ve been a lawyer
@229 I don’t need to your wife who left you will be doing it. But I’m sure she will be back once you build up your bank account! Talk about botoxed skanks raising kids with fetal alcohol syndrome- you are going to need the money- so go out there and steal more before Larry King becomes available!!
Birnbaum’s answers and general attitude towards this sh*tshow has been entertaining
Figures he’s from Montana
Birnbaum’s smirks should gain him a cell at Ryker’s Island for the nite with a large man who would like a ‘wife’ for the nite
@241 Go Fuck yourself again-
Different guy telling you to go fuck yourself
When did Jon Goodman get elected to the senate? I hope he asks a question about “f*ck!ng a stranger in the @ss”
So lets get this straight. We made all these bad deals that failed very quickly but the firm overall still made billions in net profits? If they did nothing wrong a simple spread sheet should be easy to produce that shows gains and loses and just go down the list.
In the eyes of the general public Goldman is going to lose. The net will be public out cry to make sure they are not involved with anything Goldman related.
This is asshole tennis and the taxpayer is the net. Fuck them all.
(BTW, Senator Tester had three fingers hacked off in a meat grinder accident as a kid. Rahmbo only has one hacked off finger.)
@241 huh?
@247 A couple of reasoned, well-informed senators who actually knew what the f*ck they were talking about would have done GS damage. All this populist grand-standing and dumb accusations are hurting their own case.
Believe me, GS did some shady sh*t or they wouldn’t be here, but this is just ridiculous.
“I MAY NOT UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING ON WALL STREET” Classic! If you don’t understand, shut the fuck up and stay out of it!
And oh, is anyone going to mention the fact that SEC filed the lawsuit just to cover its own sorry battered ass and to keep its massive failure out of the papers last Friday?
Hard hitting, overdramatic, nice combover, Senator Levin please submit to us the names of your election contributors. And who was that lobbyist you were having a free dinner with?
Senator Ensign: Mr. Sparks, who provides the financial background for the ratings agencies?
Mr. Sparks: Goldman Sachs.
Senator Ensign: That’s Wall Street.
Mr. Sparks: For the most part, yes.
Senator Ensign: Do you think that might affect their priorities?
Mr. Sparks: No. Just as, I’m sure, campaign contributions don’t affect yours.
Senator Coburn: Mr. Sparks is not hear to testify on the goings on of the ratings agencies. We’re hear to examine the possibility of a warning label on CDOs. Now, Mr. Sparks, I have to ask you out of formality, do you believe that CDOs, over time, can lead to losing your nest egg and lead to other fiduciary conditions such as fucking over your client?
Mr. Sparks: Yes. In fact, I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone who really believes that CDOs are not potentially harmful. I mean – show of hands – who out here thinks that CDOs aren’t dangerous?
[The Fab whips out his dick and cock-slaps the nearest reporter. Flash bulbs begin popping like mad.]
@252 HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!
New rule: if you describe yourself as just “a farmer” you don’t get to question bankers about managing complex risk.
@254
God bless you Mr. Naylor!
The only JUNK is what’s on Levin’s head to keep his hairdo down in a windstorm.
- I believe we were long at that time.
- Yeah you were short
- Know we were long
- Exactly, less long
Duuurrr me senator. I don’t get it. Why did you only sell assets you owned to people who valued them more than you? Why didn’t you sell to people who valued them less than you?
@248 FTW: pithy, funny, and all too accurate.
LB: “Okay, guys, listen. Next time you’re asked to testify in Washington, make sure you drive down there in Priuses, not private jets. It went much easier last year for the Detroit guys after they drove down in hybrid vehicles.”
Lemonade for everyone!
This line of questioning reminds me of when my 97 yr old senile grandfather accused me of picking up our house and moving it to Florida behind his back. He didn’t want to listen to my explanation either. Almost identical conversation.
and boy was he pi$$ed at me….
Mr. Levin should watch it.
There’s a lot of money involved here and PR is a big deal.
He doesn’t want the brakes in his car to fail suddenly, or to find himself in an unfortunate accident.
“Big ‘ol Goldman Sachs Lemons”
Where is Anal_yst and his simplified insight (i.e. all these senators are idiots, the MSM are clueless, buysiders are dumbasses, no one but me “gets it”)?
Plus, my roots are showing and I need product advice.
Is it just me or does this guy look like the penguin from Batman?
Levin “You bastards shorted the bubble we helped cause, Why couldn’t you guys be good Americans like Dick Fuld.”
I wish it were lemonade for everyone.
Geez guys, how dare you take assets with limited value (lemons) and find a way to combine them in a way that increases value (lemonade). This is bad — how dare you create value.
methinks Senator Levin does not like Sparks.. or is it just me?
I think Birnbaum is most likely to drop an f-bomb.
Sparks s making some serious bank …word is that evrytime they ask for a page # llyod is going to give them 25k…stick it to these senate yoyos
@bess @218 — you clearly don’t, or I wouldn’t have asked.
I suspect it has more to do with your inability to make any intelligent commentary on the issues at hand. What do you think?
@248″This is asshole tennis and the taxpayer is the net. Fuck them all.”
My SPY puts love it
lloyd has got to be getting pissed about waiting for his minions to get done before his turn on the floor of this dog and pony show. at this rate, lloyd will have to sleep in d.c. tonight…I think he’s texting our favorite hooker fk’r right now.
@177 the hot interns a) don’t show up until late May b) are only entrusted to give capitol tours and blow staffers who pick them up at Hawk&Dove
Mr. Birnbaum: Gentlemen, it’s called education. It doesn’t come off the side of a pitchbook. It comes from our teachers, and more importantly our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world, including CDOs, so that one day when they get older they can choose for themselves. I look at my son who was kind enough to come with me today, and I can’t help but think that I am responsible for his growth and his development. And I’m proud of that.
Senator Levin: Well, having said that, would you condone him buying CDOs?
Mr. Birnbaum: Well, of course not. He’s not not an institutional investor. That would be illegal.
Senator Levin: Yes, I’ve heard you deliver that line on 20/20, but enough dancing. What are you going to do when he joins a hedge fund? C’mon, Mr. Naylor. When he gets a job will you share a CDO with him? Will you spend a lovely afternoon – like one of your ludicrous CDO pitchbooks? You seem to have to have a lot to say about how we should raise our children. What of your own? What are you going to do when he starts investing?
Mr. Birnbaum: If he really wants a CDO, I’ll underwrite his first one.
Some set of ears behind coburn
@275 so why read her blog?
Long me a short!
@275 Go back to Yahoo
All those printed documents… the only thing we are getting out of this is dead trees. dead trees.
@275 do you know what a ‘brain buster’ is? it’s a fancy way– a GOLDMAN WAY- of saying ‘a question’ (generally a tough one). the reason I think you don’t know what a BB is, is that you answered “you clearly don’t, or I wouldn’t have asked.” which makes no sense. but please, as you were. also, I’m sorry to have let you down by only offering entertaining commentary and nothing insightful. I know that’s what you come here for and I’ve failed to deliver.
This show is absolutely laff out loud. You can almost see fab trying not to smirk. What is an equity ?
PM???
Tourre that is my nickname pussy magnet
These senators remind me of the Alliens talking when “Mars Attacks”
1ST ALLIEN: QUACK, QUACK QUACK,QUACK—QUACK
2ND ALLIEN: QUACK QUACK, QUACK QUACK QUACK
“What does PM stand for? Is that Prime Mover?”
LOL!!! Love it. These guys are all idiot shitheads!
how the fuck did a “page turner” like sparks become partner?
PM = prime mover, is that correct?
oy, vey! these are the people about to re-write financial regulation? wtf? they don’t even know what the’re reading…make it stop, this is a bad dream, right?
You know, before we all started having CDOs, in the olden days our grandparents, they would bring a chicken to the bank, they would say “I’ll paint your house.”
I mean, that’s the old days of what people would do to get synthetic CDOs. Bankers are very sympathetic people. I’m not backing down from that system.
“Was it more than a few?”
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE.
“Fabulous Fab: Explain to me why someone wanted insurance on only the senior tranches, but not on the junior tranches!!! Explain that, and stop smirking at me as if I am a grandstanding idiot. I am not a grandstanding idiot. Anyone can see that.
Next, explain how it can be that someone will buy shares of a stock, while at THE VERY SAME TIME!!!, someone else will sell it? Does this sound fair to you???! I’m asking you! Stop smirking at me, you evil bastard. I know you don’t do God’s work. I’ve seen your e-mails to your French squeeze. I know what kind of person you are, Fab.”
lol @292
I’m 2 and the orders chicken bid on that there synth ‘do
I have not laughed so hard in my life. This is really entertaining. Absolutely nothing has been said for hours and everyone is out of central casting in Hollywood. Does anyone believe as I do that the Senators are behaving just like the scene in the Godfather when the Senator excuses himself after giving a speech about the noble Italian American community. I thought buying protection meant you were cutting in the mob??
After this fiasco, one of his aides should remind Blankfein that the SEC is much smarter than Congress.
Just like a headless chicken is much smarter than a rock.
Bess @285. I love you.
I’m demanding a reality tv show be made of this. Lloyd must be just must be chugging pepto mouth agape in the green room.
@bess @ 285 “you clearly don’t, or I wouldn’t have asked” was in reference to your claim that “I reveal insight *through* snide comments”
And thanks for the etymology re: BB, but not necessary.
These poor guys are up against a Harvard Law trained lawyer Senator Levin. Very entertaining.
@300 actually, those with a shred of intelligence understand that there is much insight to be gleaned through the entertaining, humorous commentary. it doesn’t have to be dry to shine a light, you just have to not be an idiot to see that. also, if you’re not getting anything out of this post, why are you still here, reading and commenting (multiple times)?
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
~Groucho Marxberg
CDO Desk
85 Broad
@301 are you serious? he looks like an absolute retard.
@285, you do realize that liveblogs post the most recent entry first? So readers don’t have to scroll to the bottom every refresh? It’s kind of a … brainbuster.
Paulson: “don’t call me outa name ”
Fab: friggin birny shorts vol and then does nothing for two months, thinks he’s friggin stevie cohen. He’ll blow out.
tester’s qualifications:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Tester
how is it that a farmer (sorry, former farmer) somehow thinks he’s qualified to discuss CDO’s? who elected this clown? oh wait, montana…that explains all I need to know.
@304 yes, 301 is dead serious.
-not 301
PS Harvard sucks.
CL: “so, let me understand this – RMBS stands for “Really Misleading Bond Sales – is that correct? ANSWER ME DAMMIT!”
I think its great that GS can look simply shameful at the same time the govt look incompetent and totally disgusting.
Its a win win.
@305 you do realize that I don’t give a shit how other people may or may not do their live blogs? or no? okay, there it is.
does anyone else think Birnbaum looks like the bad guy from the crappy Ghost Rider movie?
http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/c/m/O/ghostriderpubw.jpg
@285 and @275 – Hey Bess, why didn’t you just tell him F-You like you told me a week ago after I said I wanted to read more about Krygyzstan? (Which I really didn’t, I just get excited when you say F-You. I bet you do that to all the guys).
Anyway, @275 – F-You. Go kill time reading the Huffington Post until Olbermannnn comes on MSLSD tonight and tells you how to think again.
@305 good thing it looks like there are plenty of people willing to refresh the page to read this…
@307: I like the farmer turned senator with the three hacked off fingers. But I liked McCaskill even more. She was absolutely fantastic. Not surprising, given her background:
“Claire is a fourth-generation Missourian who has spent her entire life in the Show-Me State. Born in Rolla and raised in Lebanon and Columbia, Claire has never forgotten her roots. Claire’s first home was Houston, Missouri, where her father William worked at the McCaskill feed mill. Later, the family moved to Lebanon, the hometown of Claire’s mother, Betty Anne, where Betty Anne’s family ran the corner drugstore in town.
After another move, Claire attended Hickman High School in Columbia, while her father served as a state insurance commissioner, and her mother became Columbia’s first woman city council member. At Hickman High School, Claire graduated near the top of her class and was very involved in student activities. Since she had already sewn many of her own clothes, Claire took an after-school job working in a fabric store.
The day after graduating from high school, Claire left town for a job busing tables at Lodge of the Four Seasons at Lake of the Ozarks to earn money for college. Waitressing for six years helped Claire work her way through college and law school at the University of Missouri – Columbia.”
http://mccaskill.senate.gov/?p=about_senator
birnbaum is hilarious.
Dude @300,
B. Levin’s sense of humor is excellent but she does not have thick skin. Anything less than sloppy fawning for BL will result in persona non grata status for you.
Strap your athletic cup on quick!!!
After seeing today’s hearing, you can bet I’ve sent a strongly worded email to our public relations group about the name they chose for our firm!!
~F. E. Cal
CEO
Shitty Deal Capital Advisors, LLC
Greenwich, CT
Birny: We loaded up on the deck Leem 38 PUTS when they were at the mun.
Biggest winner I ever had sen.
Shoulda frickin been there, it was maje.
Birnbaum is not good PR for GS. He is a bad bad smug lil man.
Birnbaum….I am still here
I am betting that Birnbaum wished Coburn stayed in his more important meeting all day.
page 10,060
@317- disagree, BL tends to only lash out (rightfully so) at the utter morons, such as 300.
@320 good thing he doesn’t work there anymore…
SPG …see page gazillion
@ 317 Strap — FTW!!!
I wanna put money with Birnbaum
PLAYA
What’s the over/under on when someone posts a comment saying “You can’t handle the truth!!!!!!!!”?
~Risk Dept.
ACA
@318 – Great idea!
Jake Dristan
CEO
Crap Pool Advisors, LLC.
234 Treme Terrace
NY NY 10034
Put it in the book, bitch
@310: Totally. FTW. Its an absolute win-win.
HELLO CLARISSE
I think Swenson shits his pants everytime he says something…he constantly looks like a child about to get beaten with a large stick
Mr Levin, could you please give me a detailed explanation of VaR?
shorted, traded, made alot of money for your firm…..this is all so illegal I cant believe it….crap pools, page numbers, yes or no please….how does my comb over look? CARL
@333 dead wrong. swenny’s is a look of contempt for having to sit here and answer these idiots’ questions.
These graphs look like mountains, Wheeee!!!
I bet if they only sent Birnbaum, this hearing would be over and the gov’t would be giving GS money
your clients shouldnt know but definitely congress should be let in on it…..
Levin- Next to the mountain things and those straight lines. Can tell me how GS felt about its positions where the squiggly line goes up and meets the mountain?
Fab’s gal pal is hot….I want come
BREAK TIME-
Bring in the Krakan!
Man, I wish someone puts together best-of package of this. Not watching this right now but I know what I am missing. Damn.
did anyone see how short fab is HAHA
@334……VaR is the light house for the soon to be financially ship-wrecked.
~J. Skilling
Observable Shower, CO.
Levin: Mr. Birnbaum, in your opinion, CFA or MBA?
CL: “In conclusion, despite the fact I was obviously unable to prove anything or to make even one cogent point that supports my belief that you did something wrong here, I will jump directly to my prepared rhetoric that you have in fact proven my point indeed and that all of you Capitalists deserve jail time as a result. Thank you.”
@brain intact — try your luck over here: http://dealbook.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/27/live-blogging-the-senate-hearing-on-goldman/?hp
@302 — if you had a shred of intelligence yourself, you would recognize that most of this commentary (from his/her perspective and mine) is neither entertaining nor humorous.
that’s all…
Birny: ( an aside to sveny ) *whispered* Man these guys are the biggest fade I’ve ever seen. Where do they clear ?
@348 it’s cute how you pretend to be some random person agreeing with 300 and not in fact 300 yourself. unfortunately IP records show that you are a liar.
that’s all…
@333/Bess, not that I disagree that the questions are idiotic, in fact a nutless monkey could make better arguments, but I still think Swenny looks terrified…reminds me of Luis Caruthers in [sorry to make the reference but it fits] American Psycho
@350 FTW
I still cant seem to get comfortable…
@300 = Greg Michael’s fan. His new favorite = Kouve
@348 -yeah absolutely, take brain intact and your sorry self to the NY Times blog, that is sure to be fascinating and entertaining. Don’t let the door hit you in the rear on the way out.
@ Bess – and NOW I have to insist that you include “Pussy Magnet?” in your tags. Stay on top of this Bess, don’t make me come through this screen and give you a spanking.
LMAO Luis Caruthers you nailed it @351
Gotta remem to use that more.
A Few Good Men??? I think Billy Madison is more appropriate:
“what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
@350: Anna Wintour with a dash of Maria Callas…
Bess, If you were a tad older, and not betrothed and such, and if I could make Itchiko disappear…
God I hope all the Congressioal panel members give their prior opening statements all over again – verbatim!!
Why do all risk managers look the same?
PM = Penis Mightier
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80693916/
Why does everyone in this hearing look like they came out of central casting?
Who the fuck screened the crowd? A “Shame” sign? Really?
Levin- did you make a lot of money?
Viniar- Yes, we could swim in it. Diving allowed and encouraged!
I have a significant position.
“You, you, you… you parse words!!! You are a parser.”
i can confirm that there were significant positions
“If it weren’t for the damn binder and tabs screw up you would all be in handcuffs today!!!!”
Yeah, like the guy wearing the $6,000 suit is going to give straight answers to the guy who doesn’t make that in six months. Come on.
Now they look like railroad tracks! Whoo-whoo!
All right class, this is how you read a graph.
Is that Nora Dunn prompting Levin?
Lev: Admit it you were short !
Viny: it’s nuanced, I did in fact own a house at the time so that is was my offest.
I am quite certain, any grilling from the senators today does not compare to the grilling they received from lloyd or hank during more trying times…our elected officials are kidding themselves if they think this is instilling any fear.
At least Goldman’s risk manager has his pants on.
~Former Enron Employee
Senator Levin: Well I’ve been told i’m kinda short, DO I MAGICALLY HAVE 2 BILLION DOLLARS! NOOOOOOOO my slush fund only has 10 million. SO WHY ARE YOU SO SPECIAL. (also, anyone on this panel tap erin callan, or have her number, or that picture getting out of the black car…yeah you know…cuz we could work something o…the mic is on? I MEAN FIRE AND BRIMSTONE AND STUFF!!!!
@370 – amazing
also bess’ thread post at 2:05 god so good
OMG, this is a farce! Not a very entertaining one so far either. Back to my ‘Allo ‘Allo collection.
(It is I – Levin!)
@363,
wtf does your rhetorical question even mean and what are you getting at?
This is Goldman Sachs testifying in front of Congress. Who the hell should be there/where should they becoming from?
@350 how about someone sitting next to 300 in the same office behind a customized subscriber-edge router? Just because you’re capable of looking up IP addresses doesn’t mean you’re tech-savy; I would stick to commenting on wall street matters if I were you…
–348
@381 you sitting next to a collegue of yours and agreeing with him, on the internet, in the comment section of a website, is extremely, and i emphasis, extremely pathetic
@381,
my thoughts exactly. Unless 300 is posting from his house then he is just going through a proxy server with a few thousand other pitchbook monkeys.
@381: maybe, maybe not.
If it was the result of coworkers colluding against free speech, consider yourselves warned. Marxine is going to expose you on national television.
@381: Can you tell me how to customize the tool bar on Microsoft Outlook? If you’re busy, can you ask someone else at the Help Desk? Thanks.
emphasize sorry kitty stepped on keyboard
Most commented thread ever?
And the market was fun too. GS held like a rock.
@383 – you have intimate knowledge of the back office…
@385 – LOL
Viniar looks a little nervous on the AIG questioning.
I haven’t been watching so this is my catch-up. Is it really the case that a Senator investigating GS had to ask the meaning of the term “PM” in the relevant context?
It obviously means “Pissoff, Maggot.”
is viniar the CFO of the happy hand club too?
@387- no, that’s jeffrey chiang. but this may surpass biff basness.
Bess, I’ll help you blog
3:50: Sen. Levin: Look at this chart. The black line is going below the railroad tracks in the middle and that means you hate America. Correct?
Viniar: Well actually this chart is only for one group within the mortgage department and…
Sen. Levin: Admit it. You love terrorists and you shorted America.
Viniar: We had a lot of longs and we offset it with a lot of shorts.
Sen. Levin: SO YOU SHORTED AMERICA AND MADE A BAJILLION DOLLARS!?
Viniar: We increased our shorts somewhat and made about $500 million dollars in 2007, but…
Sen. Levin: Yeah, well, 500 million sounds like a bajillion trillion dollars when you lose your house and you’re smoking crack on the street.
stillnotnasser@391 sadly, that seriously happened. your taxpayer dollars at work.
“We’ll make this a matter of fiction than of fact…”
Luddite @385,
That was just lame. “Router” and “IP” screams IT to you? I’m surprised you even managed to find your way onto these fancy internets.
~Not 381
You guys crack me up! The right stuff :=)
Thanks, Sharon….Unbelievable today!!! Euro yields were flatter than a fourth grade cheerleader and Libor is expecting a big move soon sort of like and ExLax consumer after a bad Mexican food lunch!! In US markets treasuries showed a flat curve based on the selling of PIIG products as investors went on a flight to safety with a Lockheed L-1011 track record. Like badge “BOJ” behind me, we need to be seeing the “salad days” of the bond market going forward! Naked walks through Versailles to the glittering light reflected from golden balls of the best and brightest may slow down the recovery we need going forward. Maria, back to you.
Viniar looks like Mike Fratello. Wait a minute, Viniar is Fratello…Fratello is Viniar!
Did we hit record comments?
great, THIS fuckin’ guy again.
@387 you have to be kidding. The prepube squad made GS look like a group of white collar amateur robbers.
Now we have the grey hair brigade who think speaking in technical terms is going to win them points with the public. Only no one understands or cares what he talking about. GS looks like nothing more then a boiler room. I dont even think they are holding onto their shit.
GS is taking it hard, long and short.
401 – I think the J. Chiang episode reached more.
@397: I’ll bet you are frequently surprised. What about the custom tool bar, though?
Congress risk manager: Why are you spreading out of this ? I told you to liquidate the open and I’m treating this as an add. MOC on everything by the close or your out.
And who the hell hired fabs anyway ?
Upshot of all of this: Financial smarts ≠ media savvy. Let’s see if LB can rescue this mess. But right now Goldman’s digging itself a political hole. With a gold-plated shovel, perhaps, but a deep hole nonetheless.
@403
GS +1.01 on the day. Try and keep up.
-not 387
So, should Goldman have a tall chairman during bullish bubbles and a short chairman when those bubbles burst?
~2nd Year Student
Billy Sol Estes School of Financial Speculation
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
@Genius at 403,
387 was referring to the stock price.
our clients pay us 7%; counterparties pay us a 7 mills
Senator Dolittle: If I’m selling ” a short” …wheels turning… then next day I’m selling ” a long”….
Doesn’t that make me a medium ?
Viny: It’s spread product, you gotta be nimble
Hey! “Repo-105″ and “Gold Scrot” will be playing Friday at The Closer to Home Club on the Triple A parkway. You call ‘em “wells” $5.00 all night.
Not 1 through 413 …
Now hold on!!!! “Shitty credit ratings…..℠” is the proprietary sales mark of Moody’s and cannot be used without attribution and prior written consent!!
~Moody’s Internal Guy
Citi, down; BofA, down; JPMorgan, down; GS, up. Suck it Congress.
Most comments on an essentially boring post ever.
This post does not deserve this many comments.
@311/Bess
Please replace shit w/ flying fuck. It’s aggressive and I enjoy the imagery.
Levin “Well, it sure sounds like a lot of money WHEN YOU’RE LIVIN IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!”
While the younger folk in the first panel exhibited some stress, Viniar and the risk management guy are showing that they have what it takes to do god’s work at a senior level. Senators aren’t touching them and they exhibit no emotion
@417 is Gundlach after a hard day of dildo purchasing.
“I’m not sure what “succeed” means……..
~Viniar
Mr Levin, what is your question…?
@350/Bess: way to call brain intact/not300/ARS out on his shit. haha.
God gave investors free will…and then he rested.
Do you deny that you were observed storming into s and p screaming quote ” all right who the hell do I gotta blow around here to get this synth ‘do stamped investment grade”
email….shemale
Uh oh…Levin owes some dollars to the swear jar.
@420 – agreed. But Viniar screwed up bad with that last question! He was doing so well not displaying smug entitlement and then….vampire squid baby!!!
We gotta vote (read: CRAP) on banking reform
Well, this certainly ended on a “shitty” note.
@ 424:
check you 381
- 381, 3.14, 2.71, i
New Century to Goldman….if you can package it, we will keep selling this shit
Takeaway: When writing about your crappy and shitty securities in company e-mails, given them pet names, maybe after your favorite drink or sexual position.
Viniar: Can I get real for 5 here, yeah, it was pretty unfortunate that one of our employees said “that was a shitty deal” over email, yeah. I wish he wouldn’t have done that and you can believe that he or she won’t be the lucky recipient of a gold scrot.
Goldman to New Century…I’m sorry, what page is that on?
@370 = awesome.
senator, even though we are doing God’s work, it’s possible for us to be agnostic when selling a security to a client.
-where’s the forehead slapper when you need him?
Can someone please let me know what Viniar said at the end there to make the audience react like that? Missed it :(
said it’s unfortunate that the shitty truth about the crap they were selling ended up in email
@276 Hold those SPY puts baby! -@248
I’m sad comments will surpass Jeffrey Chiang status.
I’m sad that anyone votes for these idiots.
442 why do you contribute to your own sadness
Dick Fuld
Vagina. Big, hairy, teeth-bearing vagina.
You’ve probably already noticed that we have a new guest writer. Perhaps you’ve heard of him? Zach Kouwe, formerly of the NY Times, was last in the news in a little episode a little while back when it came to light that he borrowed passages from the Wall Street Journal, a no-no that got him dismissed.
You’re probably also aware he’d done a similar thing to yours truly when he lifted a memo from us and claimed he’d received it on his own (a claim later retracted by DealBook). Apparently that’s what it takes to get a job here these days! So ladies, if you’re looking for a new gig just start CTRL+C’ing DealBreaker– and I’m sure we’ll be giving you a call. Plagiarizers with tech expertise will get extra-special consideration.
@442 then you missed the first scene/panel.
The one with fabs and luis caruthers and this dude birnbaum who wouldn’t even bother to feign interest, and would say things like what page was that again, when he lost interest.
Reality TV classic
“Is there an ethics department?”
“Of course. If you want to buy some ethics, the ethics department will be happy to sell you some of ours.”
Are we back to comfortable? I’m comfortable saying that this is the biggest piece of crap I have ever seen. And I would put that in an e-mail.
@445
VAGINA DENTATA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH8yuld4DUE
Viniar reminds me of Gene Wilder’s character in The Producers.
Ohhh–Viniar isn’t fixing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? Why not Dave? Why aren’t you doing God’s work for us?
bring out the gimp, er I mean, lloyd!
“Do you think Fannie Freddie have problems? Do you? What about Iraq? Do you think there should be a withdrawal plan? Answer, damn you! What about the Mexican drug cartels? Does your firm have any official position on the cartels??! We want to assess your ethics, and we demand to know your position on these issues!”
Goldman Sachs puts its own interests before its clients’?????? Utter bullshit.
~Risk Manager who believes in the Tooth Fairy
Moreover @442, the sad shitty truth about that jeff chiang comment thread was that it was never more double bb rated and has now been downgraded.
Also, “take the pain bitch”
just saying
@444
Because I have a conflict of interest, duh.
Look, Mac, I’m tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin’ mess, so I’m gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
this is the best shit i have ever read.
I’m going to go walk the dogs. At least that shit is real.
Bernie got out of jail to become Lloyd’s lawyer.
CONFIDENTIAL
To: David Viniar
From: Lloyd Blankfein
Subj: In House Terminology
—————————
Effective immediately, via texting or IMs going forward, please refer to “the shorts” as “the Bermudas”.
OMG IM SO EXCITED SOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!
@458 appreciate the IASIP reference.
wait wait, so is DCF discharged cock flows?
- B. Fwank
Lloyd:”Hard working diligent and thoughtful” notice how he didn’t say anything about ethics
If they call them “securities”, why are they not secure? There’s not much of a leap between the phonetics of “shitty” and “security”.
get your stink eye on!
I’ve had enough. I’m switching the channel to “Hawaii 5-0″.
Goldman gets grilled and our stock gets drilled. Puzzling.
~AIG Quant
Bessie…you there?
Blankfein: I’m just saying that you can’t be sure you’re not the culprit.
Levin: That’s ridiculous; I would know if I was the culprit.
Blankfein: CDOs are a profit loss security, so maybe you just don’t want to remember.
Levin: I would remember.
Blankfein: [pretending to be serious] Now, how could you if it just erased your profits?
Levin: That’s not how it works!
Blankfein: Now, how do you know how it works?
Levin: Knock it off! Okay, I’m interviewing you.
Blankfein: No! That’s not what you said, you said that *I* would be conducting the interview when I walked in here! Now, exactly how many CDOs did you sell?!!
while levin is talking camera sh be on lloyd…eye twitch r us
who else thinks Swenson looks like Louis Carruthers, the biggest doofus in the business.
LLOYD IS GETTING FEISTY
INCONCEIVABLE!
@381 – blow yourself. And while you’re there, if you can even get a grip, go ahead and bite the little thing right off.
Levin is too stupid to know the difference between market making and asset management.
v&t’s should calm everyone down
How does Levin continue to pop off with those giant golden balls in his mouth?
ken lewis would never be able to hold his ground like lloyd…hat tip to you sir.
Could people please refer to him as Carl, it’s awkward when you use a name he tried to steal from Bess….
fk’n (carl) levin watched boiler room to prepare for this hearing, so unfortunate that he does not understand what a market maker does…
Goldman just bought google from me; they told me that they were going to OWN for the long term….assholes
lloyd ftw…carl levin is a fucking idiot.
Where the hell did they find this guy? I don’t think he understands how supply and demand works, much less financial markets. Someone school him on Econ 101 please…
5:42: Sen. Levin: What happens when you go to the default swap store and you buy a CDS apple and you think it’s a bad apple?
Lloyd: Senator, with all due respect, you, sir, are an idiot.
He doesn’t know their earnings?
McCain is freaky as shit – his slow talking and questioning were throwing LB off his game.
Why does McCain always whistle his “s”?
just when you thought clevin was a retard…here comes america’s least favorite senile grandfather to spout nonsense on something he has no understanding of.
What the christ is McCain talking about – going after GS for not being one of the community banks that made bullshit subprime loans is just such a mental twist.
Lloyd’s balls on the table. Levin just passed the hammer.
Lloyd’s balls on the table. Levin just passed the hammer. Too bad McCain’s a bad carpenter.
fuck McCain is old and confused…
500 million to small businesses?
I never got any part of the Goldman Stimulus Package.
WOW McCain fail. Huge fail.
McCain just got his ass kicked and he knows it. Lloyd is mopping the floor with these senators…crazy poise
LB do you give a shit about your clients?
LB- Over the past 30 years? No.
500 bitches
I can see the ceiling lights on LB’s head. Or is that a halo?
massively short…as opposed to?
enough with these post-mortem grand standing…cry me a fk’n river senator. if paulson had lost money, would we really be discussing this? me thinks not.
Kaufman: Someone was deciding to make these bets
LB: It was the juniors. I didn’t know
Kaufman: But you and other Wall St. people are very smart
LB: We’re really not that smart
Kaufman: Yes, you’re very smart
LB: No, all the smart people end up at the rating agencies. Let’s talk about their role in this mess
Kaufman: If you think you’re not that smart, why do you get paid so much?
LB: It’s all relative. My bonus was so insignificant this year that I can’t even recall what it was…$9 mm or something…but I covered my long GS RSUs by creating synthetic GS RSUs and selling them, so net net, I’m not even sure what my bonus was
I would like to thank Wamu and all of the other idiot small time bankers for making these 0% down, interest only, no doc ARM loans on second homes (and the distressed borrowers of course). I bought an awesome lake house out of foreclosure at <40% of the original loan amount. Built in 2007, never lived in, previous owner didn't repay a dime of principal. The second home market is in the shitter and cash buyers can get great deals. Thank you!
Lloyd: I I I I I I don’t know know.
–Mr C.Walken will now begin questioning Mr Blankfein—
Walken: I’ll be damned if some bald headed Jew is going to sit there and disclose its front-running and client manipulation to some Senators. You did and will do the only thing you could do, you held it up your ass, for 4 god damn years.
this woman from missouri is fucking. slow.
@507 It’s Robin Williams in drag. Would you fuck her for $5M?
Carl Levin VS Claire McCaskill for the Stupidest Person Alive award
@508 i’d pay $5M to anyone who will shut this bitch up…she does not understand a word blankfein is saying but also has no idea what the fuck she is talking about!!!
idk
idk
idk
idk
@510 Not one of these fucking senators have any fucking idea what they are talking about…Did you see old man McCain fail in his questioning? Or perhaps you saw Old Man Levin scream like a retirement home patient?
did this mofo just bring up some tier 100 bank from bumfucksville, nowhere?
despite over 8 hours of a tutorial, these guys (and gals) – otherwise known as elected officials – don’t understand because they aren’t listening! they are trying to make their points and get their sound bytes for the local news…
and now a shout out to stephens! c’mon, do they even have capital to get into these types of deals? senator, with all due respect, don’t speak what you don’t know (or understand)!
@512 yea unfortunately saw it all, definitely one step closer to a heart attack after today’s hearing…no more watching cspan hearings for me…for the sake of my health at least
I have to say LB doesn’t exactly come across as a genuine guy. He has given at least 3 blow jobs to Obama and has all but taken credit for the finance reform bill.
He claims responsibility for the firm then has no idea why emails are released, who lied to clients and why or if GS shorted anything.
GS sucks as much as the govt.
Is this what Obama meant by increasing our rep in the world?
This is getting tedious we need some celebrities to testify.
@516 – GS does not represent the US, it’s an Israeli bank
Love these corn, horse, farm, plowfield references real homey BS. Can’t wait for Senator Cornball to raise cash and sell out the country to the lobbyists. Then Cornball sits around and looks shocked when accused of double dealing. Lawyers attacking Wall Street for conflict of interest is pure comedy.
when can i set up court for all the fucking retards who bought mortgages they couldn’t afford? this is fucking unbelievable!
oh no he diiint.. he had to go there. He pulled the WB card.
WE ALLL KNOW LB THAT WB KNEW….THE BAILOUT WAS COMING!!!
LB really thinks WB believes in him and GS. Shit no…
LB just showed his limitations…
Vanity… my favorite sin.
@198 Genius.
what is the bar to be a senator…this levin guy is a fucking retard..he couldn’t add 1+1 to save his own goddamn life.
Bring Levin his slippers and metamucil its getting late and he’s getting cranky.
@198 Yale and Princeton top closet schools.
way to look like an idiot on national television carl levin
Ok Lloyd…its now past midnight…can you answer my question? shitty this, crappy that, betting against….I am not sure who you are…big short? will you manage my money?
great googily moogily, these politicians are fucking idiots. they are so fucking stupid that they have confused GS to the point that they too look like fucking idiots.
sorry for bringing his name up, as it has not been mentioned in a long time, but is it possible Kouwe/Pooey is the retarded lovechild of these senators?
Politicians didn’t sink the global economy.
@530 They don’t? What about the US debt levels? What about Greece?
@530 Why don’t you go talk to all the “real americans” who bought mortgages they couldn’t afford? Asshole.
Cash instruments don’t sink the global economy, synthetics do.
LOVE the stink eye
short and French is no way to go through life
Long and French is no better.
@536, agreed
@536-7 morons
Levin = The Penguin, where is his umbrella?
There and but for the grace of god..
@530 then why did a senator say that 90 percent of the crisis was the governments fault…….
Crap pools? Ha ha! Interesting article about how financial reform, which is strongly supported by Goldman Sachs, Blankfein and the ilk, helps investment firms exactly like Goldman Sachs!
Bess Levin, you are a genius.
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