John Carney Needs Help

My dear friend and former colleague John Carney will be joining as a “senior editor” in the coming weeks and will also be “appearing regularly on CNBC’s Business Day programming.” Over the last few years John has been on the network as guest commentator but now that he’s an official member of the team, one very important thing needs to happen. It goes without saying but here it is: a nickname. Maria’s got one, Erin’s got one, Phil LeBeau’s got one and now Carney needs one too. If he’s gonna do this, he’s gotta do this right. I know what my pick is but let’s get democratic about this. Serious suggestions only, please.

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239 Responses to “John Carney Needs Help”

  1. Yo Me says:

    CNBC, is that supposed to be moving up on the food chain?

  2. Anonymous says:

    The Lithp

  3. Yo Me says:

    the Gimp

  4. guest says:

    @1 it’s a step up from Business Insider, but that’s not saying much…

  5. Anonymous says:

    how about ‘sellout’ or ‘the sellout’?

  6. hasidic splooge says:

    Straight Cash

    – The Splooge

  7. Anonymous says:


    -Wildcard bitches!

  8. Who the fuck watches CNBC? Seekingalpha is good.

  9. Anonymous says:

    “Danyow” AKA Giovanni Ribisi playing a ratard in The Other Sister

  10. Anonymous says:

    “My dear friend and former colleague..”

    Bess, Martha Stewart couldn’t have written a sappier post if she was on estrogen pills, downing chocolate covered ice cream and sipping a glass of chilled sauv blanc.

    Lay off nostalgic posts please, for the sake of us all.

  11. Bess Levin says:

    @11 I hope you burn for your stupidity.

  12. Anonymous says:

    The Plum Smuggler

  13. guest says:

    @11 wait, are you serious? you thought a line in a post in which BL is literally serving up carney to be destroyed by the commenters was written in anything but jest? wow.

  14. Anonymous says:

    He looks like one of those Martians from the movie “Mars Attacks”. I suggest “Ack-Ack”.

  15. guest says:

    @11 epic fucking fail. detection of (dripping) sarcasm is required when reading BL/DB.

  16. guest says:

    Money Donkey

  17. guest says:

    @11 how does it feel to be the biggest fucking idiot on earth? good/bad?

  18. Ron Blarney says:

    There can only be one.

  19. Anonymous says:

    I wish him all the best, he’s a very rice guy.

  20. guest says:

    @19 haha, nice.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Where’s Lindasy? Isnt’t that Carney coming out of a club at 6am?

  22. guest says:

    Lon Varney.

  23. Obviously... says:

    The Circus Carny

  24. Anonymous says:


  25. Anonymous says:

    Tits McGee?

  26. Anonymous says:

    Mongo. Forehead the size of a drive-in movie theatre, but he’s a good shit so we dont bust his chops too much.

  27. Matt says:

    The Carnivore

  28. Anonymous says:

    or however how the hell you spell her name

  29. Anonymous says:

    “Paddy O’ Rice”

  30. JRH says:

    “Chile”, as in “Chile Con Carne”

  31. Anonymous says:

    16 FTW


    the Stock Cock

  32. guest says:

    So Much Awesome

    -you know who

  33. guest says:

    RON BLARNEY. Done, no more suggestions.

  34. anon says:

    DJ Jameson

  35. kouwewatcher says:

    dear god that picture is frightening. His upper lip looks completely immobile and he’s got the crazy eyes. Who the hell would put that man on television, besides Chris Hansen, addressing him with the phrase: “So what are you doing here, John?” with a gesture toward a pack of lambskins and a four pack of Jack Daniels’ down home punch.

  36. Anonymous says:

    Poor old Carney. Now anytime Bess gets a scoop on the Druries or Michy-Lou or other talking heads at CNBC, those folk are going to glare at Carney like an electricity trader at his risk manager.

  37. MisterB says:

    Johnny Carnage.

    Done and Done

  38. Anonymous says:

    Carney Asada

  39. Anonymous says:

    the Stock Cock

  40. Anonymous says:

    Clammy O’Flop-sweat

  41. JRH says:

    Idiot. I mean:

    “Chili, as in “Chili Con Carne”

  42. Anonymous says:

    Cash Kouwe
    Rice Pudding
    Legal Beagle

  43. guest says:

    @36 you mean all the scoops bl got that were subsequently jacked from DB and reported as an exclusive on business insider? I dont think anyone at CNBC will be laboring under the impression carney’s feeding bess stories.

  44. Anonymous says:

    Chart Shart

  45. Anonymous says:

    “Tabasco Scrote”

  46. guest says:

    @40 “Clammy O’Flop-sweat”

    made me laugh

  47. guest says:

    Cheetah Bait

  48. Anonymous says:

    @26 maybe he’ll cry himself to sleep on his humongous pillow (said w/ a Scottish accent)

  49. guest says:

    dollar douche

  50. Anonymous says:

    @44: “Dealbreaker” is one word. Use “D” instead of “DB” please.

    ~Wall Street Journal Style Editor

  51. guest says:

    I’m a classics guy so it has to be Ron Blarney. But “Clammy O’Flop-sweat” is hilarious. Props.

  52. guest says:

    The Dope from Park Slope

  53. guest says:

    cum dumpster


  54. Anal_yst says:

    I’m with @18

  55. One step closer to Erin Burnett’s bosom.


  56. Anonymous says:

    His philtrum is longer and wider than Maria’s backside. How about something easy to remember, like Asshat?

  57. I have the best name for him; unfortunately it’s not a serious one.

    – P.D. Fermat

  58. guest says:

    @56 hahahahaha. EB wouldn’t fuck him with Cramer’s dick.

  59. Anonymous says:

    Bess, you can call me Daddy.


  60. guest says:

    my top picks:

    1) ron blarney

    2) lon varney

    3) don klarney

  61. Perkins Maxwell says:

    @18. done and done.

  62. Anonymous says:

    Bag O’ Dicks.

  63. Anonymous says:

    What happened to his upper lip? Did he eat it by mistake?

  64. guest says:

    Is Carney a prolific Swordsman?

  65. Anonymous says:


  66. guest says:

    John “The Truth” Carney

  67. Anonymous says:


  68. Anonymous says:

    i dont get @18

  69. Anonymous says:

    The Stalker or Stalker John

  70. Anonymous says:

    the Carnivore…….Carnastic the Great

  71. Anonymous says:

    @64 It’s called dogface

  72. Anonymous says:


    Face For Radio.

  73. guest says:

    @69 if you don’t get 18 you need to GTFO.

  74. guest says:

    Face for Radio, Voice for Blogs

  75. AMX70 says:

    Pecker Breath

  76. FKA says:

    John “Collect Call” Carney.

  77. Meatbone9 says:

    The Carney you love to hate?
    small hands, smell of cabbage?
    Bess’ Btch?

  78. Anonymous says:

    @74 = little, yellow, different. fag

  79. Anonymous says:


  80. 74 says:

    Bess’s Bitch

  81. anon says:

    @79 nah. Just no tolerance for idiots who just started reading here. (You need to have been reading for at least 2 yrs to get the RB joke)

  82. TGIM says:

    @83 Bess’s Bitch is priceless
    @10 go choke on one.

  83. Anonymous says:

    Will CNBC pay to get his teeth whitened?

  84. 83 says:

    78 stole my thunder…

    The did it all for the CNBC Nookie, Rookie

    -ex 83

  85. Is D(B) penetrating the CNBC ranks via the backdoor? Is Blarney going to unsheath & unleash his sword for the benefit of the financial community?

  86. Yarghlie says:


  87. duh says:

    the dungeon master.

    But at the risk of sounding like a geek and a curmudgeon at once, in my day we did it the old-fashioned way. In all likelihood we were in somebody’s basement, sitting around a table with our dice at the ready and our character sheets in front of us. My brother John was the dungeon master, and he was a good one, too. My brothers — Mike and Tim — and I, along with our friends Chris and John (I’ll withhold their last names to protect their reputations), spent hours at a time exploring a world that existed only in our imaginations. D&D was, after all, much more like old-time storytelling than the videogames that have come after it. The game allowed our little troupe to star in some of the greatest stories we ever told. For that we owe Gary Gygax our gratitude.

  88. guest says:

    just when you thought CNBC couldn’t get anymore irrelevant….

  89. Anonymous says:

    “Bridgewater Mime”

  90. PS/ the picture!?!? – what are the odds he attempts to board commercial to tel aviv looking like this just to get off?

  91. Anonymous says:

    J to the C on C N B C
    or JCNBC

  92. Anonymous says:

    The Haggis Torpedo?

  93. guest says:

    the probe

    -ray dal

  94. Anonymous says:

    @84 = sad

  95. Anonymous says:


  96. Anonymous says:

    Gorlap, The Mole Sphincter

  97. Anonymous says:


  98. Anonymous says:

    Bess please use @9’s suggestion “Danyow”, pure brilliance

    @26- fivehead would also work, no?

    – No 9, but envious of his creativity

  99. watchmen says:


  100. Anonymous says:

    The Grill.

  101. Anonymous says:


  102. Perkins Maxwell says:

    @90: you think Bess wasn’t on it at the time?

  103. Anonymous says:

    The Bond Vagilante

  104. Anonymous says:

    How about we just call him, Apthorp.

  105. guest says:

    it’s too long for a nickname but something that captures the essence of:

    “I was drinking on a rooftop last night with a bunch of merrill bankers. the air was as hot as the vodka in our martinis was cold. one of the guys, an MD, said to me that he had a deep dark secret about Merrill’s books that he wanted to get off his chest, and that he’d be waiting for a drunk financial blogger to come along to let it out on. he said to me ‘johnny, i saw you in the corner, slurring your words, and i knew you were my man.'”

  106. Anonymous says:

    Not Bess Levin

  107. guest says:

    @110 I don’t get it. Explain pls.

    @112 it should be “he’s no bess levin”

  108. Is he a Cum Laude?

  109. headache says:


  110. Anonymous says:

    I liked the Clammy O’Flop-sweat one. I think it is fun to say.

    I did not like the Mole Sphincter one. That is not fun to say.

  111. Anonymous says:


  112. Anonymous says:

    I go it!


  113. CosmicRay says:

    GE Johnny

  114. Bosephus says:

    The Gossipotamus

  115. Anonymous says:

    Bloggy O’Fail

  116. guest says:

    @111 how is that too long for a nickname?

  117. lol says:

    @ 76

    Pecker Breaf?

  118. HAM05 says:

    i’d be willing to bet blarneys life savings that he isn’t shaking his weight at this post. LOOSEN THE NOOSE

  119. Anonymous says:

    @122 – lol

  120. Anonymous says:


  121. HAM05 says:

    to clarify @125 i believe he’s masturbating to this post

  122. guest says:

    Open Hole.


  123. A. Vayner says:

    @122 FTW

  124. Anonymous says:


    -Argument between Kneale and O’Floppy

  125. Anonymous says:


  126. Anonymous says:

    The New Jersey Jackhammer !

  127. Guest says:

    Pat Buchanan Jr.

  128. guest says:

    I strongly agree with the title of this post.

  129. mrpink says:

    Bon Quiqui

  130. Bill Brasky says:


  131. Hatade says:

    @39 FTW Nothing tastier than a Carne Asada

  132. Anonymous says:

    Pig Vomit

  133. Launchpad says:


  134. guest says:

    Fart Simpson?

    The Scottish Bum-Face?

    Loose Lip (no s, singular)

  135. Amanda Drury’s PayPal

  136. Anonymous says:

    The Douchepocalypse

  137. Carnac the Magnificent?

    (The guy who Johnny Carson used to play)

  138. Anonymous says:

    @ 141 – you’re just f’cking jealous. Get over your issues.

  139. Ass_ociate says:

    My vote goes to Chart Shart @46; absolute gold. God bless us every one.

  140. Seaman Bodine says:

    john “the guy who blogged the weekend before lehman failed when no one else worked and took that ticket all the way to the shit show that caused lehman to fail and we hope makes it fail too” carney

  141. Jerry Cruncher says:

    John Carnegistan

  142. Anonymous says:

    Dick CircusFreak


  143. Anonymous says:

    Former Secretary of State Warren Christopher, the cat.

  144. Mrs blarney says:

    “the least successful sibling”

    -john’s mom

  145. guest says:

    @152 haha. mean but good.

  146. Anonymous says:

    Private Pyle

  147. analyst says:

    @132 awesome

  148. Anonymous says:

    can’t we just call him KEITH HAHN

  149. Anonymous says:

    “Gundlach’s Battery Boy”

  150. Anonymous says:

    @50 I enjoyed that

  151. Anonymous says:

    Shameus MacBlogsuc

  152. Anonymous says:

    The Dollar Dong

  153. Anonymous says:

    Hassen Bin Sober

  154. Operator says:

    J. (O and) C.

  155. Anonymous says:


  156. Anonymous says:

    Carn Dog

  157. Anonymous says:

    The load that should have been swallowed

  158. Anonymous says:

    I just heard that Carney is going to CNBC!

    ~AIG Quant

  159. Launchpad says:

    @146: Fuck you asshole. Carney used to make his mark here by ripping on mainstream journalism, now he’s joining it!!!???

    I had no problems with him leaving to another blog. But to join those mainstream, quasi US Govt/Fed mouthpieces at CNBC, is a fucking sellout move.

    The only worthwhile on that ship is Rick Santelli.

  160. Anonymous says:

    Maria’s tampon

  161. Anon says:

    Carney the Clueless ?

  162. Anonymous says:

    Carney folk

  163. Paul Giamatti says:


  164. Anonymous says:

    Erin’s lover (ha,you love that John,right?)

  165. Arthur says:


  166. Anonymous says:


  167. Anonymous says:

    The “Yuan Yawn”

  168. Anonymous says:

    Loot Sloot

  169. Anonymous says:

    Paul Giamatti

  170. Anonymous says:

    The Czechoslovakian Meat Hanger

  171. AirHead says:

    If David Faber’s nickname is “The Brain” then Carney is “The Skull”

  172. I believe we need a poll to decide between Rob Blarney,
    Clammy O’Flop-sweat and The Gossipotamus.

  173. Anonymous says:

    Ol’ Lazy Eye

  174. Anonymous says:

    stock cock

  175. Anonymous says:

    I’ll call him whatever he wants if he can get Kudlow back on the sauce.

  176. Anonymous says:

    @168 Do you really consider CNBC “mainstream”? They have like, what, 28 viewers? The only idiots who really watch it with the sound on are a bunch of retail “traders” spinning their Ameritrade accounts.

  177. Anonymous says:

    Wall Street Meat! (Or Street Meat for short)

  178. Anonymous says:

    Chili Con Carney

  179. rahodeb says:

    Ron Blarney, Don Klarney or Lon Varney, clearly.

  180. anon says:

    Carney, Small Hands.

  181. guest says:

    John BOB

    So CNBC can have the show named after Dennis Kneale’s favorite pastime:


  182. anonymous says:

    Tweet McSwampass

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